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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What do you even say?

36 replies

SadAndConfused1 · 10/05/2022 15:01

A light came on around 18 months ago and I realised my husband's behaviour wasn't ok. He's very controlling and emotionally abusive, but I didn't want to admit to myself that it wasn't ok, until one day, I just realised it wasn't.

I started making plans to leave last year, but his Mum died very suddenly, so I shelved my plans and I've supported him the best way I can in the 9 months since she died. I'm now at the point where I need to leave, but how?

I know he'll be crushed, we've been together over 20 years and he's still not over his grief, but I can't do this anymore. What do I even say to him? I did try and bring it up a few months ago but he was so broken that I couldn't do it.

OP posts:

MzHz · 10/05/2022 17:47

Right now, this is YOUR hour of need.

your LIFE needs you to change it.

MummaLeonax · 10/05/2022 17:54

does your parents know about this? could you use someone else's phone? does he work would? would you leave the house while he was at work maybe? x

Prerapher · 10/05/2022 17:57

I left an abusive relationship four months ago, I should have left at least five years earlier but I didn't...why ?....because I felt sorry for him...tried to help him with his drink problem...stood by him through his breakdown...helped him keep of the drink...stood by him when he started drinking again and had a second breakdown...tolerated the abuse...supported him through the two separate occasions he racked up considerable debt....trust me it won't get any better, don't waste those precious years that I did, you won't get them back.

Original poster

SadAndConfused1 · 10/05/2022 17:58

D0lphine · 10/05/2022 17:06

Well done OP, were womens aid helpful?

They were. They confirmed everything you all said and put me in touch with my local branch who could come and physically support me if I need it.

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 10/05/2022 18:00

Can you say you’re going to doctor / dentist and just go?

please be careful op this is such a tricky and dangerous time. Take care and good luck!

Original poster

SadAndConfused1 · 10/05/2022 18:03

FinallyHere · 10/05/2022 17:42

No, he checks my phone bills to see who I've called so I can't.

Wow.

Does it help at all to know that I, and I assume many others, will be gobsmacked to know that, in your mind, his need for comfort following his bereavement, appears to entirely trump your need to live your life as an autonomous adult without being subjected to this level of control.

I'm glad you are talking to womens aid, they really are the right people to advise.

You have a place to go and no children to consider.

Would he stop you just walking out ?

Could your parents come and collect you, in a taxi if they don't have their own transport?

So long as you have a safe place to go, pretty much everything such as passports etc can be replaced.

I sincerely hope that you very quickly get clear how far from acceptable his behaviour towards you has been. How far you are from abandoning him in his 'hour of need'.

If you possibly can safely, do please update when you are safely away. Such inspiration for others in a similar situation.

You deserve so much more in your life. Good luck, All the very best.

I don't think he'd physically stop me, but he would try and talk me round for sure with tears and guilt trips. I think that's what I'm most afraid of, that I'll muster the courage, only to give in to his feelings once again.

I have my own car, it's just the actual leaving that is so scary.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 10/05/2022 18:03

I guess you go to visit your parents, take a fake phone call if need be and never return?

Original poster

SadAndConfused1 · 10/05/2022 18:05

MummaLeonax · 10/05/2022 17:54

does your parents know about this? could you use someone else's phone? does he work would? would you leave the house while he was at work maybe? x

I'm embarrassed to admit that he doesn't actually work, he just stays at home watching tv and playing video games, because work "stresses him out".

If I heard someone else saying all this stuff, I'd be thinking why the hell does she put up with this, and it's only recently I've started thinking the same.

OP posts:

Original poster

SadAndConfused1 · 10/05/2022 18:07

Thank you for the support everyone. It's really helpful and every post is nudging me towards the door.

I'm going to spend this week getting my ducks in a row, then there won't be anything holding me back

OP posts:

HollysBush · 10/05/2022 18:14

I think you will soon be needing a new username OP! You can do this!

FinallyHere · 10/05/2022 21:08

then there won't be anything holding me back

Virtual hugs for you @SadAndConfused1 and all the very best xx

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