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Original poster

When sex dried up, is it gone forever or does it come back?

39 replies

Giveme2gins · 10/05/2022 12:06

I learned a cousin of mine had a baby. I also recently learned that my friend from school is also expecting a baby. Myself and my partner also knows 3 more couples expecting a baby and due soon.

My relationship is sexless with my partner. I still have a libido. For him it's different. He's not able to maintain an erection for intercourse and he has to maintain a grip on his penis with his hand and jerk off instead of sex. The sex between is has been brutal from the start. He always made up for it outside of the bedroom though and we always got on well. However this is beginning to grate on me. I need to have a sexual connection and there is 0 between us. I remember before the pandemic was the first sexless year, we went away on holidays and some hotel stays and still there was no sex between us.
He has never once gone to the doctor to try and sort this out.

The only time we were successful with sex was when he would return after a period of being away. He has siblings abroad and he used to visit them. I suspect he would stay off masturbation when he was away. I think this man has death grip. I think maybe the issue is death grip.

I'm building up so much resentment against this man now. We are a couple, we are engaged, he's trying to pick a date for next year but he won't have sex with me.

I'm roaring crying because all of these pregnancies just hammers home the sexlessness between us.

I want to break it off with him but I don't know how and I don't know what to say to him.

OP posts:
Beamur · 10/05/2022 12:10

I think you need to tell him that you need a relationship which includes sex and children in the future and that's not happening here. You sound quite incompatible sexually.

TropicalPotatoes · 10/05/2022 12:10

Definitely sounds like a death grip issue. I'm not sure what the fix for that is though. He'd need to make some changes. Maybe if he cuts out wanking, it'll help?
He's got to be willing to make the changes though.

NalashixTerashkova · 10/05/2022 12:11

You can break it off for any reason and don't need to give the true reason. It's also fine to say 'sexual compatibility is important to me and I've realised I do need it in a relationship'.

Your title is a bit misleading as your sex hasn't dried up, it never really got off the ground to begin with. Sex that starts off fine and dries up can come back with time and effort and willing.

TopCatsTopHat · 10/05/2022 13:02

I came on to say it can come back as mine has with dh after a series of life challenges got in the way for a while. But we started with and used to have a decent mutually enjoyable sex life.
What you're describing is a relationship that never had that in the first place and survived despite the sex, not enhanced by it.
Sorry, I don't think this is sustainable without him being willing to sort out his inability to have sex without a choke hold, which from what you've said seems entirely unlikely.
In your shoes I'd end it and tell him you want a healthy sexual relationship which you can't have with him. Whatever you do, don't marry him feeling this way, you're simmering already!

AmbushedByCake · 10/05/2022 13:04

Don't marry him, don't marry him, whatever you do DO NOT MARRY HIM, you will be miserable forever.

zafferana · 10/05/2022 13:08

You don't have to marry this man OP and if sex and DC are part of what you want for your future I would urgently advise you to walk away now. He's not making you happy! You don't have a full relationship! Is this all you want for the rest of your life? Please don't marry him!!!

Shedcity · 10/05/2022 13:08

This guy is happy to wank himself into oblivion and not go see a dr about the fact he can’t maintain an erection
despite how it’s making you feel and at the risk of losing you.

you know he can stop wanking, since he does it on holiday. But he won’t do that for you
And You know he has a sex drive since hes wanking so much
so I don’t know what else you need to do.
either give him the ultimatum or just leave. You deserve better than this

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/05/2022 13:15

He has huge problems with intimacy and I would also think he had been watching porn for a long time.

End the relationship asap and do not marry him under any circumstances because you will end up divorcing him.

Opentooffers · 10/05/2022 13:18

What the heck! This was a non-starter. In no way is this personal, this is his issue to sort out, but he hasn't. How have you lasted so long? Without intimacy, there is no relationship other than friendship at best. Its amazing you both have ignored this and even contemplater marriage.
How you end it? "Sorry, this relationship is not for me". Probably best to have an escape plan if you live together, then move out asap.

Original poster
Giveme2gins · 10/05/2022 13:27

There was sex in the early days but I felt it dwindling within 3 months of having a ring on my finger. That's went it all went downhill.

OP posts:
AmbushedByCake · 10/05/2022 13:28

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/05/2022 13:15

He has huge problems with intimacy and I would also think he had been watching porn for a long time.

End the relationship asap and do not marry him under any circumstances because you will end up divorcing him.

Or worse, he'll manage to supply enough sperm to get you pregnant and you'll be trapped with a baby in a miserable marriage that you can't afford to leave.

Assistanttotheregionalmanager · 10/05/2022 13:33

Ive had partners with the death grip issue and I still expect them to get me there. Its their penis that gets me there or their fingers, mouth or whatever- not their ‘finish’. I have one partner who would always death grip to finish and I would help stimulate him but only after I’ve finished a few times myself. I wouldnt be putting up with what you are at all.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/05/2022 13:34

“I want to break up, this relationship is over. We’re not compatible and want different things”.

D0lphine · 10/05/2022 13:41

How old are you OP? Do you want kids?

What has he said when you've talked to him about it?

Nootella · 10/05/2022 13:42

You knew sex wasn't a big thing for him since the beginning, no one should be pressured into sex they don't want so maybe that's why he isn't bothered about the doctors.

Forcing yourself into a relationship with someone that isn't compatible is making you miserable. Find someone else and be happy

Watchkeys · 10/05/2022 13:43

I think maybe the issue is death grip

No. That's what his issue is. Your issue is that you've, for some reason, put up with a relationship with 'brutal' sex for any length of time. It doesn't matter if he's godly in every other arena of life. 'Brutal' sex is the ultimate in disrespect, unless you've both previously consented.

Whatever you think his issues are, your issue is that you're still with him. Put a stop to that, and all the other problems will miraculously vanish, too, including some of your disrespect for yourself.

Alcemeg · 10/05/2022 14:10

Is he cirumcised? It caused a loss of sensation for my ex-DH, which had the kind of effect you describe.

Original poster
Giveme2gins · 10/05/2022 14:24

Nootella · 10/05/2022 13:42

You knew sex wasn't a big thing for him since the beginning, no one should be pressured into sex they don't want so maybe that's why he isn't bothered about the doctors.

Forcing yourself into a relationship with someone that isn't compatible is making you miserable. Find someone else and be happy

We were on the same page together regarding sex at the start. For the first 2 years we were on the same page together. It was 1/2/3 times a month and we were both happy or so I thought. Then it dwindled right on down to nothing.
He never explained to me that he wasn't interested in sex. I didn't trap him or force him into any sex.

If anything it was the other way around. I feel like he pretended to like sex to get a ring on my finger and then stop it altogether.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 10/05/2022 14:28

We were on the same page together regarding sex at the start

v

The sex between is has been brutal from the start. He always made up for it outside of the bedroom

Somewhere along the line, you're kidding yourself, OP.

Original poster
Giveme2gins · 10/05/2022 14:30

Alcemeg · 10/05/2022 14:10

Is he cirumcised? It caused a loss of sensation for my ex-DH, which had the kind of effect you describe.

No he's not cirumcised.

OP posts:
stuntbubbles · 10/05/2022 14:34

You can have children without having sex. However, children will mostly likely put the kibosh on sex for a while, so if it’s this intermittent or non-existent to start with, it’s likely to never return. Don’t have children with him!

Sex also dwindles naturally in a long-term relationship, and if you only started at 1/2/3 times a month you’re obviously going to end up with much less sex than a couple who started out like weasels trapped in a pillowcase.

It does sound like you are fundamentally sexually incompatible, and that’s a perfectly OK reason to end a relationship.

TopCatsTopHat · 10/05/2022 14:35

But even when you were having regular sex it doesn't sound like it was the kind of sex you'd have chosen if he'd been capable of something different.
There's regular and there's fulfilling they don't always go together.
I think it's hard to nail when you've invested a long time in someone and others around you are moving forward in their relationship. There can be a pressure to follow through.
But honestly, speaking as someone married for 20 years, if the strain is spring now in this way you'll be full of bitter regret in 5 years tops if you don't cut your losses, based on what you've said here.

TopCatsTopHat · 10/05/2022 14:35

Bail, not nail. 🙄

Original poster
Giveme2gins · 10/05/2022 14:44

TopCatsTopHat · 10/05/2022 14:35

But even when you were having regular sex it doesn't sound like it was the kind of sex you'd have chosen if he'd been capable of something different.
There's regular and there's fulfilling they don't always go together.
I think it's hard to nail when you've invested a long time in someone and others around you are moving forward in their relationship. There can be a pressure to follow through.
But honestly, speaking as someone married for 20 years, if the strain is spring now in this way you'll be full of bitter regret in 5 years tops if you don't cut your losses, based on what you've said here.

The cost of weddings. It's so expensive. Even for a small budget wedding it would be about 8 grand. I can't believe he wants to go ahead with a wedding and marriage considering we only ever had sex a few times over the past 3 years. I can count on one hand the amount of times. I had more birthdays in the years since then, than I had riding with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Giveme2gins · 10/05/2022 14:45

It's been about 8 weeks since I invited him into my bed. He wanted to come in a few times since then but I just can't stomach it knowing it's going to be so empty.

OP posts:
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