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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

When sex dried up, is it gone forever or does it come back?

39 replies

Giveme2gins · 10/05/2022 12:06

I learned a cousin of mine had a baby. I also recently learned that my friend from school is also expecting a baby. Myself and my partner also knows 3 more couples expecting a baby and due soon.

My relationship is sexless with my partner. I still have a libido. For him it's different. He's not able to maintain an erection for intercourse and he has to maintain a grip on his penis with his hand and jerk off instead of sex. The sex between is has been brutal from the start. He always made up for it outside of the bedroom though and we always got on well. However this is beginning to grate on me. I need to have a sexual connection and there is 0 between us. I remember before the pandemic was the first sexless year, we went away on holidays and some hotel stays and still there was no sex between us.
He has never once gone to the doctor to try and sort this out.

The only time we were successful with sex was when he would return after a period of being away. He has siblings abroad and he used to visit them. I suspect he would stay off masturbation when he was away. I think this man has death grip. I think maybe the issue is death grip.

I'm building up so much resentment against this man now. We are a couple, we are engaged, he's trying to pick a date for next year but he won't have sex with me.

I'm roaring crying because all of these pregnancies just hammers home the sexlessness between us.

I want to break it off with him but I don't know how and I don't know what to say to him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Giveme2gins · 10/05/2022 14:48

We were chatting a few weeks ago and he wants to pick a date for a wedding. I changed the subject. Here I am at the very opposite end to him and I want it all off.

I haven't had the courage to talk to him and call everything off.

OP posts:

D0lphine · 10/05/2022 14:56

Giveme2gins · 10/05/2022 14:48

I think you need to be honest about where your head is at.

smallbirdwidesky · 10/05/2022 15:03

You will never have a sex life with this man. He wants to get married as the absence of sex is not an issue with him.

You break it off by saying you need a full relationship and you can't have it with him. Do not listen to him begging or promising to change as, even if he does manage to for a while, things will shortly revert to how they are now.

You will be miserable with this man.

Original poster

Giveme2gins · 10/05/2022 15:08

smallbirdwidesky · 10/05/2022 15:03

You will never have a sex life with this man. He wants to get married as the absence of sex is not an issue with him.

You will be miserable with this man.

I can only say this now with hindsight but I get a sense that a lot of what we had was only for show for him. He had a girlfriend before we met but broke up a few months before we met. I think maybe he rushed into trying to get someone else. He only really had a 3/4 month gap of being single. I know for me, I would need more time. Like maybe 6 months. I feel like a lot of our relationship was only for show for Facebook or what not.

OP posts:

something2say · 10/05/2022 15:09

I've been through this, a few years ago. It didn't end well. My advice is to get your head around the fact that it is not right for you. And then sit him down and end it. It was ok at first, but now the true colours are flying and its not right for you. I'm sorry xx

Original poster

Giveme2gins · 10/05/2022 15:20

It's just after hitting me. He pretended to like sex until he got a ring on my finger and allowed it all to dry up between us. There's something not right about that.

OP posts:

something2say · 10/05/2022 15:23

Exactly. I wonder too whether he has an issue with women. 'Wives dont fuck' sort of thing. Madonna/whore. You don't need his projections when they're going to deny you a sex life.

SlickShady · 10/05/2022 15:43

You have to be clear about your feelings to him. Either sex happens or it's over.

Original poster

Giveme2gins · 10/05/2022 15:54

SlickShady · 10/05/2022 15:43

You have to be clear about your feelings to him. Either sex happens or it's over.

I think at this stage my desire to have sex with him is gone. It was there for a long time but the idea of sex with him now fills me with sick. It's just been so long and it will be awkward as fuck. It would be on the same level as picking a man or a stranger of the street and bringing him to bed with me, at this stage after such a long gap.

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 10/05/2022 16:20

So that's it, then. You don't want a relationship without sex, and you don't want sex with him. You say 'There's something not right about that' with regard to his behaviour, but what's right about you staying with him?

Original poster

Giveme2gins · 10/05/2022 17:27

Over the past year, he went to work in a new job but it had the very opposite schedule of what I work and I feel it was just another division between us. I feel like if we were at least maintaining some date nights it wouldnt be too bad. There would be some level of bonding happening but there are no date nights between us any more.

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 10/05/2022 17:30

Then it's over. He chose that job. He chooses no sex. You choose no sex.

I don't understand why you're conflicted. I know it's hard to actually leave, but why can't you see that you want to?

cool4cats2020 · 10/05/2022 22:30

Giveme2gins · 10/05/2022 15:20

It's just after hitting me. He pretended to like sex until he got a ring on my finger and allowed it all to dry up between us. There's something not right about that.

Not really true though - you said even at the start it was only 1-3 times a month, and most people would consider that very infrequent during the honeymoon stage. The problem here is not the mythical death grip, this is just someone with a very low sex drive (bordering on non existent). It won't improve, you're not compatible, and the relationship has ran it's course.

Anothernick · 11/05/2022 07:19

If you are not having sex and do not intend to have it in future then you are not in a relationship. You are just close friends sharing the same house. Sex is a physical and psychological necessity for most people and it's rare to find a successful LTR in which sex does not take place.

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