How to end things with short term boyfriend

[Cloudyrainy]

Ive been dating someone since January, we made things official at the end of March. This is the first person I’ve been with since my sons dad. He has not met my son yet.

At first he was very intense, he told me he loved me after a few weeks, didn’t want to leave me, was very keen to be ‘official’ after a very short time, but did make comments if I didn’t respond to his messages quickly enough.

I found it overwhelming but I liked him so I told him I’d like to slow it down, and he seemed to listen and things were good.

Since being bf/gf though there’s a lot of things he has said that have given me red flags. We spoke about tinder (how we met) and he told me a girl who he’d spoke to for a day or so stopped replying to him so he kicked off and sent her a big message and told her where to go. He tells me men are so lonely and women can’t possibly be as lonely as men because women get everything they want, and that he’s always treat terribly by women because he’s ‘too nice’ and women want to be treat badly.

There have been occasions where he’ll seem jealous, or insinuate I have ‘another boyfriend’. He makes the odd snarky comment too about women never paying their way and expecting men to pay for everything, eventhough we’ve ALWAYS split everything 50/50, I earn significantly less than him so it makes me feel a bit crap like he thinks I’d try scrounge off him.

Im pretty sure I want to end things, but I’ve got no idea how to go about it or what to say. Things between us have been fine, but I can’t shake the red flag feeling. He is reminding me a lot of an ex who was emotionally abusive and it’s making me very anxious, so I’m a little scared of how he will react to me ending things because we haven’t argued, but it’s just not sitting right.

Any advice is welcome

You are right to be cautious. Those flags are there for a reason. You can end things for any reason you like.

Tbh I'd just text him and say things aren't working out and you wish to end the relationship. Wish him well. Ask him not to contact you. Block him on EVERYTHING.

"This isn't working out for me, so we need to end things. Wishing you the best -not-"

Just bite the bullet.

If he gets aggressive, screen shot everything he sends, then block him.

I agree with this.

You don't need to go about it 'right'. You need to go about it in a way that works for you.

Do you want to do it face to face, or in a message? Do you want a conversation about it, or do you just wish it was already done? Do you want to explain? Do you never want to talk to him again?

Best life advice for all tricky situations: What do you want to do? Do that, and find a way to do it that's as respectful to others as you believe they deserve.

I note your ex was emotionally abusive and the red flags re this current man are all too apparent namely his very quick attachment, his wanting to make things official after a few weeks, making comments if you did not respond quick enough, his snarky comments about other men. I need not go on.

It is not an uncommon scenario for women to go from one abusive man to yet another and I think this is what has happened here. I would have no qualms whatsoever about sending him a text message stating this is no longer working for you and wish him well. Then block him on all channels; do not further JADE (i.e justify argue defend or explain your decision). You owe this man nothing now, let alone a relationship here.

Do look at the Freedom Programme and do this in person or at least online if you have not already done so. Men like your ex and this individual can and do mess with your head and boundaries and those were already weakened by previous abuse.

I would also suggest you read this

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

Well, on the plus side you've identified the many red flags and are aware you need to end things.

Ending things is never easy. I'd be inclined to call him and just say you're really sorry but you've realised this relationship isn't right for you. Be prepared for him to fight/kick off/demand explanations. But you don't have to go into a lot of detail - just tell him that you're looking for different things and that you've realised you're not compatible in your views or approach.

From the sounds of things, he will then start sending you nasty calls and messages and texts so it may be worth blocking him at that point.

You don't owe him an explanation but he will definitely ask for one. Perhaps say his views on the world don't match yours so you are not compatible. Your worry and wish him well. Then BLOCK

Well done, you're seeing the many red flags!
I would say the sooner you end it the better.
He will almost certainly make a big fuss and be horrible to you.
Keep it simple don't get drawn into explanations or justifications and don't see him face to face. Say it's been nice but it's not working for you, BYE!

Make today the day you get rid op. There really is no reason to have him around. Red flags- a - flying and well done for seeing them. A short sorry this isn't working for me any more.. Block and delete all messages and his number..

Whatever you write, go through it and remove all hint of you being sorry or apologetic in any way. Men like him will go for any chink in your armour. That's why you need to send the message but against others advice, I wouldn't immediately block as that might have him turning up at your door. Once you have repeated the first message a few times he will be more likely to get it and less likely to want to go toe to toe with you.

Good luck but you are right to have these gut feelings and put in these boundaries.

First things first, does he know where you live?

There are many ways to end a relationship from disappearing and blocking to a full face to face with him hanging onto your leg crying as you walk back to the car. Or more worringly him getting shouty and physical.

It has been a matter of months so you would be within your rights to tell him anything by text, rather than face to face. But if he knows where you live or work you might want to take a different approach.

I was thinking best not to block in Case he shows up at your house, don’t really need to block unless he becomes abusive, I wouldn’t send it then immediately block

End it today;i know it's considered cowardly to end things via a message but in this situation it's probably the safest solution as he seems like he'd kick off.

A simple "Ive decided this relationship isn't really working for me,I'm ending things,I wish you well for the future" and then block immediately.

It good that you have realised that this man has a load of red flags. Everything is about what he wants and he will get thick about you not replying quickly to his messages. He then expects you to pay 50/50 always despite earning more than you.
I just hate meanness in people and it not always about money.
You know he is not a good man. You have a child also so your not willing to keep this man in your life as you have experienced his red flags.

I do want the posters above said either ring or text him and say that you have decided to end things as you don't feel you and him are compatible. If he sends nasty message, copy them and block him. Block him on your phone if he get abusive with you. I do the freedom program as well.

It's good that you realised what he is like and you know to end things. I have seen a lot of woman staying with men full of red flags. I have seen friends and family telling them to get away from him but they stay because they don't want to be on their own.

Phone call might be better than face to face, but a firm but sensitive sorry but this is not working out for me, not quite what I am looking for. Avoid the gory details & messy debate. Wish them all the best and walk away.

Block only if they get abusive or won't leave you alone.

I wouldn't do this face to face - he'll keep going on at you until you capitulate.

I would definitely end it - he sounds really horrible and as though he's an incel, tbh.

I'd send a message saying you don't think you have enough in common to keep seeing each other and that you wish him all the best.

If he asks what you don't have in common, say that his opinions on women and men don't match yours, then block him.

Oh I can so understand, it’s easy for others to say just end it but I get myself into knots too.

I guess the main thing is to say it’s not working for you (as opposed to any sort of criticism of him)
I mean, I’m sure you wouldn’t criticise him to his face but you just don’t want to get into any sort of conflict. So if you own the fact that you feel uncomfortable and want to end things, then he can have no argument with that.

I’ve got no idea how to go about it or what to say

Not saying that anybody is wrong or right is a good tip. Keeping it passive ('It's not working for me', rather than 'You are hurting/upsetting/unsettling me'), focussing on incompatibility rather than mistakes or blame.

Sorry- but run. Sounds like an incel poster boy. He's love bombing you, feels he has the right to diatribe women who don't respond to him, and can't get a partner because he's 'too nice'. Bollocks. I would end it ASAP, and also prepare yourself for the onslaught of messages about why you're not good enough and he's just better......

He sounds like a loser.

I agree with not apologising. I'd say something like, "I've been thinking about you and I seeing each other and have realised it's not working for me. I hope you find what you're looking for."

I wouldn't block either. Not yet. Blocking can antagonise some people into acting where they wouldn't ordinarily.

From what you've said about him, I'd also expect a "you're just like other women" type response. If you get that, don’t be provoked into replying. Just ignore him.

I once ended things for no obvious reason, but a bad feeling. I'm grateful I did, he was a boundary pusher and as my head cleared I remembered various dodgy things he did, as our time together progressed and he got cozy. His mask slipped. I still struggle to accept that he was abusive* because he was much nicer than many other men I'd been with, but he was the type to malign his "crazy" exes and casually mention how he breaks furniture when angry but "never people." Sure, dude. Go spin that yarn somewhere else. I noped on out, and don't regret it for a second. He was pushy after as well and I ended up having to block him everywhere.

*he was abusive, btw.

Not sure why that bolded.

I can see exactly why you want to end this.

I would suggest showing him full courtesy so he can't have a go at you for dumping him by text. With tricky men like this it's kind of like covering your arse at work and following protocol to avoid trouble.

Send him a heads up after work, 'Hi, are you free for a chat tonight? I think we need to talk about us'.

Then, call, say it's been lovely getting to know him the last few months but you would like to leave things here as unfortunately you don't feel the relationship is quite right for you long term. You're not saying there's anything wrong with him, but you don't feel like it's a good fit for the long run.

Wish him all the best and tbh prepare for a follow up text similar to the one he sent the woman on Tinder. But know it isn't personal.

I would try and keep it non specific as it's an accumulation of things he will claim were jokes/ misconstrued, rather than one huge unforgivable act. The insinuations you have another man is a solid example to use if you feel you want to give one, however.

Good luck, you will feel better for this. I've had similar- ish recently and feel so much better now it's over.

I would suggest showing him full courtesy so he can't have a go at you for dumping him by text

Or, show him the level of courtesy she thinks is appropriate, and not deem his opinion on her to be valuable, whatever response he has. Frankly, he can have a go at her for anything he wants. He'll find something, if he wants to have a go at her. OP's responsibility isn't not to upset him (even if she's doing that for her own benefit), it's to realise that if he disagrees with her decision, she doesn't need to do anything about that, and she can just get on with her life, however loudly he disagrees.