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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it worth staying together for the baby

39 replies

struck · 09/05/2022 19:43

Hi,
My dp and I have been together two years and have a 16 week old baby.
My partner has pushed me a few times before the baby was born and has been violent twice since. Once on the night our baby was home and once when I was 6 weeks pp. The violence was in the form of pushing. He also beats his head with his fist causing lumps etc.
I grew up with divorced parents and my dad was very absent for a while.
In response to the behaviour of my dp, my family and his encourage us to work it out for our daughter but I'm conflicted.
They say that it isn't him. He doesn't do this thinking he'll hurt me, but sees red. He forgets everything he did in the moment. It's like he changes into a different person when he's tired and pushed too far.
Childrens services are involved and are okay with us staying together as I have acted protectively by finding help.
I deeply morally know this is all wrong, but I've been made to doubt myself. I'm scared to tell him I want to leave, not because I think he'll get violent but because I care about him and don't want to see him upset.
I also want the best for my daughter and my mind is clouded by others judgment.
Some people may recognise my story as I've posted before.
Please be kind. I am deeply upset but masking it all for the sake of my family and partners ease. I am only young and I'm confused.

OP posts:
DogsAndGin · 09/05/2022 19:46

No OP, you have to leave him.

Fairislefandango · 09/05/2022 19:48

Get away from this violent man. It doesn't matter why he is violent. 'Seeing red' is an irrelevant excuse. The effects of his behaviour on you and your child will be the same whatever his pathetic excuse for his violence is.

I know leaving can be hard, but I honestly cannot even imagine caring about someone who behaved that way. You must not prioritise your feelings for him over the safety of you and your child.

Original poster
struck · 09/05/2022 19:53

I know you are both right.
It's so hard to leave. I think because obviously our lives are so entangled now and I have no money at all.

OP posts:
GreatCuppa · 09/05/2022 19:56

You need to leave for your DD. She will copy this relationship in later life and think violence is normal. Don’t think for one minute she will grow up not knowing what goes on. I work with kids and see them fucked up in later life with mental health problems because of their home life. Break the cycle.

Fairislefandango · 09/05/2022 19:56

I really feel for you, OP. Be strong and disentangle. Do it for yourself and your child. I hope you have some real life support. Flowers

Unanananana · 09/05/2022 19:56

Do you want your daughter growing up seeing her mother treated that way? That she should expect to be treated like that when she grows up?

Is that what you want her to believe is normal?

You need to protect her. Leave, before he goes too far and one or both of you end up injured or dead or she is taken from you.

Original poster
struck · 09/05/2022 19:59

I'm going to leave, I'm just trying to pluck up the courage. I always feel so ill from stress. I mask my feelings for everybody else.

I have no real life support apart from my health visitor and my friends. I see my HV every 3 weeks but no help in between. My family want me to stay with him and make me feel bad for talking about leaving. They say they feel bad for my daughter.

His family beg me to stay with him and one member said they'd be annoyed if I told anyone about what happened.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 09/05/2022 20:01

OP reach out to children’s services for more support. Your family and his are wrong and minimising his dangerous behaviour. Are cultural issues involved here? I’m struggling to imagine encouraging my DD to stay in this awful relationship.

contact your HV or SW and they will help you.

Original poster
struck · 09/05/2022 20:06

There are no cultural issues. I think they would prefer less hassle in general so they brush it under the rug. I feel like I'm dramatic but I'm not

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 09/05/2022 21:17

Jesus, what if he murders you and she has no mother and a dad in prison. His family are awful.

Hiddenvoice · 09/05/2022 21:25

I’m annoyed that your family think it’s okay to stay with this man.
Please ignore your family and his, take your dd and leave. Contact your hv and explain that you need support and are leaving now. Contact womens aid for support. Phone your friends and see if you can stay with anyone. Please keep away from this man. You know the violence is wrong, you don’t deserve this! You and your dd will be so much better without him.
You are definitely not being dramatic. You are incredibly strong for being open about this and asking for help. You know you’re doing the right thing by leaving. Anyone who suggests staying with him is just stupid, he is hurting you and could hurt your baby. Family members who want you to stay to keep your family together are not thinking clearly.

YRGAM · 09/05/2022 21:33

He doesn't push and swear at his boss or his friends. He's choosing to use you as a punching bag, and you and your kid both deserve better than being exposed to that

HappilyHadesBound · 09/05/2022 21:38

It is NEVER worth staying for the children when there is abuse involved. Even if not physical, it causes real harm to developing children's brains to witness emotional abuse. Please, please put your child first and don't stay in a situation where harm will be caused x

Cleanbedlinen12 · 09/05/2022 21:41

If it helps I had similar.I found it ridiculously hard to get my family or his to believe me. I was told it was hormones, or I must be mistaken. Led to a LOT of confusion, self doubt and massive depression.💐❤️

TeethingBabyHelp · 09/05/2022 21:47

My mum left my violent dad (literally ran away with kids one day) and I am forever grateful that I didn't grow up witnessing and living in that environment. Far better to have a happy carefree home than have 2 parents and have a hellish environment

My dad did subsequently go on to marry (and beat) someone else and their kids got to see the whole sorry mess and it has done them no good whatsoever

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 09/05/2022 21:49

Please leave.

I’m the child whose mum stayed ‘for the children’. The effects are horrendous.

And guess what? I never saw the signs of my own abusive relationship because it was all so ‘normal’ to me.

Please leave. Your dd will be better for it.

CallMeBettyBoop · 09/05/2022 21:53

Please, please leave OP. Your poor baby deserves so much more.

SpaceJamtart · 09/05/2022 21:55

Sorry you are going through this but Its never going to be worth it staying for the baby.
My mum stayed for the children and it really messes everything up for a child, amoung other things none of us have had good relationships as adults and several of my siblings have fallen into similary abusive relationships.
Even if you leave with no money, it is going to be less damaging for your baby then growing up with violence.
Hope you are okay, it is very brave to leave xx

PurpleDaisies · 09/05/2022 21:57

Have you laid it out really clearly to to your family that he’s been violent towards you?

Your HV should be able to direct you to sources of support, or women’s aid work with women in your situation all the time.

Good luck Flowers

whatnumber · 09/05/2022 22:02

I'm sorry you are in this situation.
If you cannot do it for yourself then do it for your daughter.
A baby will pick up on it all and it will suffer from early emotional (and possibly physical) trauma. This is a very serious situation.
It isn't best to keep her in this environment.
So tell the people who are saying stay for your daughter that you are leaving for your daughter!

Threetulips · 09/05/2022 22:06

Firstly nothing it your posts refer to you! What do you want? Do that!

Hos family want you to stay because otherwise he becomes their problem. Whilst you are together he’s less bother.

As a parent you are your child’s only voice, for a long time! If you can’t stick up for what you want, then you’ll struggle to be your daughters voice. You need to learn quickly.

On the money front, investigate benefits. I think you’d be surprised.

Original poster
struck · 10/05/2022 08:40

@Threetulips
Thank you. What you said about being my daughters voice really stuck with me.

Thank you everybody for your support. I know what I need to do and I will Sad
I do know what I want, but the only way I can describe it is that it's like being brainwashed. I have my morals but I'm caring too much for everyone else's opinions.
They all say 'well it's stressful having a baby and you've taken a lot on so it's high pressure' so it's hard to ignore everybody

OP posts:
Cherry35 · 10/05/2022 09:27

Please leave, violence will only get worse, they never change. Do it for your daughter's sake, when she's older she will believe that's a normal relationship. Would you want her to go through the same?.

It took my sister for her partner to almost kill her for her to finally understand she needed to leave after tolerating this for 20 years. Yes, it will be harder at the beginning but you will be happier.

Watchkeys · 10/05/2022 17:26

His family beg me to stay with him and one member said they'd be annoyed if I told anyone about what happened

Why are they so involved?? Stop telling them things. Stop having contact with them, if he's telling them things. He's violent. You have a child. That's it. There's no more than that for you to have your mind swayed on, and surely your mind can't be swayed on that?

MardyOldGoth · 10/05/2022 17:28

Please contact Women's Aid. They will support you.

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