Husband confessed to prostitute

[Namechanged567]

My husband works abroad for long periods and has done for last 10 years

We have two primary aged kids who absolutely adore him

I wouldn't say we were happily Married, we have had lots of issues a lot around me having adhd and him struggling with it

But when we sat down and spoke about it we always agreed we both want to try and make it work, so we stay together and for most the time things are ok I'd say.

Anyway he has just broken down crying out the blue and told me on his trip away this time he got very drunk and slept with a prostitute ...well tried to but it didn't work out as he couldn't get it on due to alcohol but regardless of that he took her to his room and certainly tried to have sex with her.

He says it's been eating him up the guilt and that's why he has told me. I do believe this is the first time as why would he have told me. There is literally no way in earth I would find out and I don't have any trust issues with him ...well until now

I've no idea what to do, he has left it to me to decide. He will do anything to gain my trust he says and really doesn't want to lose me and the kids but totally understands if it's over for us .

I don't know what to do the thought of a divorce and the future separated and what my kids will go through is making me want to cry.

He has always told me he thinks men who sleep with women for money is morally wrong and in his line of work unfortunately a lot of the men do , do it but he has always told me he just goes to his room and leaves them at the bar with the prositutes

Can someone make a mistake, or now is that him , always going to be cheating with these poor women.

We are meant to be celebrating our 10 year anniversary soon too.

I've no idea what to do. I know the sensible thing for my self worth is to chuck him to the kerb but I'm scared for my kids and I know I will struggle alone with them.

I'd forgive but remain wary
And also push, push, push for him to fund work locally.

Long distance / cross-border is very hard on relationships.

Anyway he has just broken down crying out the blue and told me on his trip away this time he got very drunk and slept with a prostitute

I'd ask him what he plans to do in the future to prevent this happening again. If he doesn't answer along the lines of quitting alcohol, or relocating to a job with no travel, I'd not actually be able to trust he wouldn't do it/try it again. Especially given that it appears to be culturally appropriate in his work group.

That he would drink so much to completely turn his own moral code upside down means one of two things:-
He has serious alcohol issues or
He never actually believed what he said to you about prostitutes and just told you what you wanted to hear.

Sorry, culturally accepted

If this is the first time has he said why now? Why not in the last ten years? What was different this time? Basically what’s his excuse.

Would he consider changing jobs? You would always worry that he might decide to try again especially if he thinks there’s no consequences.

I couldn’t stay but I’m not you. Only you can decide what happens next.

Oof tough one.

My immediate answer would be to leave him, as how can you ever trust him again? If it's common among his colleagues then he's probably seen how easy it is for them to get away with this. Also, the fact he's told you and begging you to stay, if you do then he'll see how easy it is to get away with this and not tell you. The ability to lie and cheat only gets easier for them the more they do it so the first time is the hardest.

On the other hand, you've been married for nearly 10 years, you have kids, you have a life, you don't see him all that often. Could you turn a blind eye? Could you comfortably go on knowing it may happen again? Could you just have a don't ask don't tell type marriage?

It's very tricky and coming to a simple "stay or go" solution isn't going to come easy. Only you can know if you can move past this with him or if it's time to go.

Personally I'd really struggle as it would change my view on how he views sex. It is simply transactional instead of something meaningful.

The cynical part of me wonders if this is not the first time, but that on this occasion he has caught an std.

I would assume that he knew you were going to find out somehow.

Have an STI test if you need one, and kick him out.

I'd book us both on one and get him to share his results.

So to answer a few questions

He does drink alcohol only once every few months when he leaves the oil rig with his crew. They all go to the bar and have a drink

Unfortunately it is deemed acceptable with his line of work he has always been very open with me about the fact the hotel bars are full of sex workers touting for business

He cannot explain why now I have asked him he says he doesn't know he was at the bar minding his own business and she came up to him and he normally says go away but this time he didn't

He has offered to return to the uk to work as aware there is no way for me to know if he is doing it over there so knows trusting him would be hard for me. So says he happy to give up his job to save his family

I asked why did he tell me , he said he couldn't live with the guilt it's taking him 3 weeks to tell me as he didn't know how to tell someone such a devastating thing .

There is no way I would find out. He is surrounded by men doing it all the time and there wives have no clue. This is international work where the bars are targeted by sex workers so it not like they even need to be looking up numbers on internet etc. The women are sat in the bar waiting.

I have booked a STI check and so has he.

I could not forgive this or move past it no matter how much I loved him or that it's been 10 years. I could not trust him again and even if he didn't get it up, anyone who thinks it's ok to use a prostitute and be a part of that misogynistic culture would be someone I could never respect again. The whole scenario would be so repellent to me I couldn't look at him again never mind feel attracted to him.

In your situation I would want him to move out and give me space and time while I got my head around things. Only you know if you could stay eventually, it would have to be lots of changes actioned for me to consider it. But if you do stay then what happens next time he gets drunk and has the urge? If he's so moral as he says, what suddenly happened to that? Plus you say it's not been brilliant all this time, so what's the point of staying if you aren't 100% happy and he does this to you on top? He threw your marriage and kids away when he took her up to his room.

I left my husband at just before our 10 year anniversary. It was hard and the kids struggled, but it wasn't nearly as hard as I'd thought. The kids adjusted and we are much happier. Just to give you another perspective, separating may not be as bad as you are building in your mind.

@glebaisaword thank you that is helpful to hear about you moving on

Yea I have to admit it's the thought of the process of moving out and on and what the future will be like alone for me and the kids..

If it wasn't for the kids I would definitely go , and to be honest probably not miss him that much. We don't have that much in common.

If he's working away a lot would the kids even mind too much?

I hemmed and hawed for a long time about splitting but realised the kids would be far happier with a mum who was not feeling unstable, gaslit and mistrustful all the time. And it is true, I'm calmer and happier and the kids are now totally fine and adapted to our new life quite quickly. It's been nearly a year and my only regret is I didn't actually do it sooner.

I honestly think you need to get angrier about this and tell him to go. He's disrespected you and your family and his own values and then just left it up to you to decide - putting it all on you. Has he come up with a plan of action to show his remorse or that he wants to make changes? If not, why not?

I would always say leave, throw him out, there’s no way to go on if a partner cheated. But. It seems like it is possible to salvage your marriage, given the way he has been honest with you now and his commitment to giving up the job where the men are surrounded by that kind of thing. If there were ever an argument for forgiveness, this might be it. It is concerning that you said you have nothing in common and wouldn’t miss him. So your marriage has not been in the best shape for a long time. I don’t know. This is a hard one 🌸

I wouldn't say we were happily Married, we have had lots of issues a lot around me having adhd and him struggling with it

I am wondering if he actually wants out but doesn't want to be the one to pull the plug, and hopes that you will do so. Either at the time it happened, when his judgment was impaired due to drinking, or now at the time he's told you.

But the fact he's offered to seek work in the UK instead makes me think it is more like he's regretted his actions and does actually want to make things work.

He's made a massive cock up, but do you have it in you to forgive and move on, and also make the changes needed from your side as well? I don't think anyone would blame you if you decided you couldn't get past this.

It's very easy to find these things out. All it takes is one of the blokes bringing home an std for the whole sorry tale to come out, said bloke to name drop all the other men that do it, and the wife telling you all.

I left (porn/cam use by my ex for it for us) where you're at now is daunting but it is doable and you could end up having an amazing life.

But I too know that it's not the path that everyone takes. I guess you can see how you go, see if the feelings change and you think you can function. But bear in mind, you're a long time together, it's a long life ahead and you deserve to be happy, not miserable for everyone else's sakes

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz he works with men from all over the world he is the only British guy in his crew. Honestly there is no way I'd find out unless I guess I caught something from him. Not that it actually matters I guess

I do believe he has told me because he is angry and upset at him self as cheating if a big no no for him and he always made it clear he couldn't move past it if I did it. I don't believe that is a lie, if I cheated on him I would also have to tell him. I couldn't live a lie .

I've never doubted him in past he is very family oriented, never drinks , never goes out, everything in his life is about his kids. I've always had access to his phone , Facebook email etc in fact he often get me to reply to messages as he can't be bothered.

So I don't think he was a cheater etc up until that night. I just wish I could understand why he has ruined our lives for one stupid moment .

He's offered to find work in the UK.
He's willing to leave if you want him to.

Seems to me he's leaving all the decisions up to you. Which puts you in a position of blame if things don't work out - he could turn it back round to you and say 'I left my job because you wanted he to' etc.

To be honest, it just sounds, like a pp said, that he wants out but doesn't want to be the one yo pull the plug.

I could be wrong of course. But you say it's not a happy marriage anyway so you'd be wise to consider what you do next.

I wouldn't say it was mega unhappy we have just had our struggles, he is away a lot and I'm left to look after kids and they don't sleep well, he comes home exhausted and it can be a bit of tit for tat but really we are both exhausted.

It's not quite as simple as him just leaving job, he needs to find another job and his line of work there isn't that much in the uk for him.

I think he is trying to do the right thing in his eyes and let me decide what I want to do

He says he knows he has massively fucked up and doesn't expect me to forgive him but hopes I will . We haven't really even argued about it as he has pretty much told me anything I have asked included the sorted details, I believe him. He isn't a one for lying which is why I think he has told me what he has done. Apart from this I would of said he was decent honest guys who adores his family he has sacrificed a lot for us to have a nice life. Which after all his efforts I can't believe he has jeopardised everything he has worked for by a stupid mistake

I don't know what I'm going to do, honestly just wish he hadn't bloody told me. I'm devastated for my kids honestly the adore him and when he is home every second of there day is consumed by him, from wake up to bed time he does everything because they want him to .

Until this I would of described him as a decent hard working man who family is his whole life. But they why would a man who appears to be this way risk everything for sex.

We don't have a great sex life which has been a issue for him and he has been honest with me over the last few years about it and how it's a struggle for him that when he is home we don't have it that often but I just feel shattered and because he away a lot I don't tend to notice going without it . Obviously he does. I did ask him if this is why he did it and he said no. He can't explain why he did it just when he woke up in morning it hit him what he has done and he felt sick and has done until today when he broke down and told me out the blue.

I would seriously consider splitting up, and not necessarily because of the cheating.

I've always seen cheating as a red line and assumed I would LTB if there was any element of it. However in this situation, where you believe that it is genuinely a one-off mistake and he's volunteered the information because he couldn't keep it from you, and he's offered to do anything he can to put things right..... I would not necessarily have jumped straight to LTB IF everything else was good about the relationship. BUT...

Your description shows a not great relationship. Not a great sex life. You wouldn't stay with him if it wasn't the children. Against that background I wouldn't suggest sticking around. You would be putting yourself through the pain of dealing with his cheating, trying to forgive and move on, putting yourself through that pain for someone you don't really want to be with.

Your child can still adore their father. He would still be their father. He could still be a great father. They are used to not seeing him for weeks at a time, so it wouldn't be such a huge wrench for them necessarily. And a happy mum is really important to them.

Sorry childREN not child.

I couldn't be with a man who felt sexually exploiting women was acceptable. Grim.