Husband confessed to prostitute

[Namechanged567]

My husband works abroad for long periods and has done for last 10 years

We have two primary aged kids who absolutely adore him

I wouldn't say we were happily Married, we have had lots of issues a lot around me having adhd and him struggling with it

But when we sat down and spoke about it we always agreed we both want to try and make it work, so we stay together and for most the time things are ok I'd say.

Anyway he has just broken down crying out the blue and told me on his trip away this time he got very drunk and slept with a prostitute ...well tried to but it didn't work out as he couldn't get it on due to alcohol but regardless of that he took her to his room and certainly tried to have sex with her.

He says it's been eating him up the guilt and that's why he has told me. I do believe this is the first time as why would he have told me. There is literally no way in earth I would find out and I don't have any trust issues with him ...well until now

I've no idea what to do, he has left it to me to decide. He will do anything to gain my trust he says and really doesn't want to lose me and the kids but totally understands if it's over for us .

I don't know what to do the thought of a divorce and the future separated and what my kids will go through is making me want to cry.

He has always told me he thinks men who sleep with women for money is morally wrong and in his line of work unfortunately a lot of the men do , do it but he has always told me he just goes to his room and leaves them at the bar with the prositutes

Can someone make a mistake, or now is that him , always going to be cheating with these poor women.

We are meant to be celebrating our 10 year anniversary soon too.

I've no idea what to do. I know the sensible thing for my self worth is to chuck him to the kerb but I'm scared for my kids and I know I will struggle alone with them.

Can I side step for a minute and ask you about the adhd issues?

(I'm wondering if you are getting scapegoated in your dynamic)

How is it managed? How does it impact him? Have you considered your sex problems in terms of adhd (very common)

The neurodiverse board might be a good place to delve in to those issues if you want.

I’m completely opposite to what others are saying about kicking him out.
Give yourself some time to think this through. Don’t make a knee jerk reaction.
Presumably he’s going back to the rigs so you will get some head space then.
If you can stomach or indeed believe that this was a one off, perhaps you can get over it?
It is a shame in a way that he’s dumped this on you. Did he think that sharing his guilt was helpful especially as you have said you could never have found out.
An STI test is definitely required but I note you’re doing that.
Maybe this is a good time to review the state of your marriage & both of you evaluate where you are & what you want. It’s a bit of a watershed isn’t it? Communication is key so both put your cards on the table with honesty. It might take several iterations.

It’s great that he’s a good & much loved dad.
Keep your antenna up for the foreseeable future.
Think, think, think and don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.
Good luck. I hope you’ve found this forum helpful.

I know people who worked on the oil rigs and that prostitution was rife and common with them. I think he needs to get out of that line of business now - but he needs to choose to do it. Put it back on him, it's his choice to leave if he wants to save the marriage but it needs to be soon, he needs to sort the adhd and get help with that. He made a big mistake and owned up to it, I think I could forgive that - but big changes need to be made.

@Staynow sorry it is me who has adhd and he struggles with me, and living with me . I'm not easy to deal with and I am aware of that. I'm currently contemplating trying medication for adhd due to difficulties for me and him and me and my kids. Caused by my behaviour.

Yes it's international working with rigs and he has told me prostitution is rift as in a lot of these countries Asia and Africa it's normalised unfortunately

As I said he has told me before the lady's sit in hotel bar looking for business

If he returned to uk this wouldn't be the case as he would fly out to rig heliport in Scotland . It's more a international thing to do with the countries they are working from
Many many men come off the rigs , hit the drink and then the women. Then fly home to their wives who have zero clue. He has always been honest about what goes on but insisted he would never do that to me or risk losing his family. Until now.

I have been aware about this for years but I trusted him as really I had to as no way I would find out anyway. I always just thought he had morals and respect for women. Which now I'm finding difficult to believe.

I do think it's a one off and he genuinely sorry. I do think it's a sign our marriage is a mess, we have had issues but always told each other we love each other, love our kids and want to be a family.

I don't want to end our marriage but also I am someone who finds it hard not to hold a grudge, I can't throw this in his face daily for the next ten years. If I decide to stick with him I need to be sure I can let it go and accept his apology and move on but im not sure my personality will allow me to do that.

Also devastated at thought of selling our home, uprooting the kids, potentially moving there schools. Not having the funds to allow them to do all the stuff they do and enjoy. It's them I really care about and the impact on them,

Im so angry he has put our family in this position

I didn't have a clue adhd is linked to sex issues. I've just googled it and it's a light bulb moment

The mind wondering aspect during sex. Not being able to focus etc

I have a lot of the issues they speak about but never realised it was linked to my adhd. Thank you I'm going to do some reading about it .

I don't hold back when it comes to advising people to LTB. But having read your posts I don't think you should. I can understand the hurt you are feeling and if you can't get past it then fair enough. But I think it's possible that the two of you could work on things and use this as the catalyst to improve your relationship. I think he needs to actively look for a job much closer to home that will allow him to spend more time with the family. And the two of you need to do couple's counselling. If he can sort these things (and it needs to come from him) I think there is hope.

Maybe I’m horribly cynical… but this does not surprise me in the slightest… it’s known that men who work on oil rigs (or similar) for long periods of time use prostitutes… hence why they’re hanging out looking for punters. Surely it crossed your mind at some point that your husband was doing this? As I said above, perhaps I’m just very cynical.

Sorry this is happening to you.

At your STI test you need to make sure they test for Hep B, too. Also be mindful of window periods for some blood-borne viruses (such as syphilis) are up to three months, so you may want to repeat the screening in three months’ time for peace of mind HIV testing is generally accurate six weeks after potential exposure.

Yes on the early days I did worry about it but he did this job before I met him so I did know about it. Honestly I trusted him, I had no option but to if I wanted to be with him.

He doesn't drink at all, apart from the odd pint or two and then he would go to his room and FaceTime me and the kids then go to sleep. He isn't a major sex driven person, hasn't had loads of girlfriends etc, I just honestly assumed it's just not something he was that interested in.

Not all men do it he has told me many times plenty of guys are faithful to their wives and head up there rooms and leave them men to it. He said about 40% of the guys do it he would guess. I assumed he was one of the good guys.

@WhackingPhoenix yes the lady told me 8 weeks and then 6 months for testing

He is going tomorrow to be tested, along with me.

How embarrassing, but I told the lady on the phone the truth. I've nothing to hide. I'm innocent in this.

Well if I was to even consider staying he'd have to do better than 'can't explain why' because if he doesn't know why he did it, how is he going to stop himself doing it again?
He had a reason, whether it was that the particular woman was very attractive, he was feeling lonely, he wanted the experience as a one off, whatever. There was obviously a reason. He needs to own it, share it and tell you what he's going to do so there's not a reason again.

Have you had sex with him in the 3 weeks since he says this happened? He said he couldn't have sex due to the alcohol so was there any penetration. I know this seems like really odd questions, sorry. But my line of thinking is this.

1. If t they didn't have sex there is no chance of an sti, so why is he suggested it?
2. If it's positive then he's done it before

Sending you love x

It's me who is brought up and insisting on STI check, because ultimately I don't know if it was this one and only time or if what happened is even true about the not getting it up part.

So first thing I did when I he told me was call a clinic and insisted he did as well which he did.

I'm going to ask him these questions tomorrow, I've gone to bed . I couldn't be arsed discussing it tonight once kids in bed. My head is fried with it. I just feel numb and in shock if I'm honest.

How are you op x

@Itstimetoquit hellos thanks for asking

I am ok, we have spoke at length , he is extremely remorseful and disgusted with himself. Not only what he has done to me, but also ashamed for the poor lady involved , he knows these women are desperate for money and he exploited that and feels sick.

His excuse is obviously way too much Alcohol - he isn't ever going to drink again which I do believe as he doesn't really drink anyway or enjoy getting drunk

Other one was feeling our marriage was dead, which to be fair is kinda true. We have both lost respect for each other and I have been very distance and cold for last couple of years.

But he is well aware there is no excuse he just trying to put a reason to why he believed he did it.

He is happy to quit his job but for now I've said no , I do trust he made a mistake and if I don't put trust in him what's the point

He is going to look for a new job though and make the move back to uk.

He is going to make it up to me he said and will accept it's going to be a long road for me to forgive him

The fact he told me and I didn't find out is why I am staying and trying to make things work. Had I found out myself I would leave but because he told me I believe he did just make a mistake and is truly sorry. The fact this only just happened and he confessed to me makes me think this was the first and last.

We have kids, a nice life and we do love each other we have just fallen into a trap after kids came along of just looking after them and forgetting about us. I love him so I hope we can save it

He is aware if I can't move on then that will be it and he accepts that might happen but happy I will try

To be honest I'm not even angry I'm more hurt than anything and feel so let down.

With regards to us we both have work to do, it's not one sided we have both playing into the issues we have had . Fault lies on both sides and we both realise that and are going to try and change.

If I will be able to let this go and forgive only time will tell but for now I'm not rushing into anything and see how I feel over the coming months

Thanks everyone for your input.

Sounds promising, obviously no magic solution but it's good that he is going to look for a job that will allow him to be with (or at least closer) to you, and that he wants to work on regaining your trust. FWIW I think you're doing the right thing to see if he can make changes and you can move past it. Good luck.

@Namechanged567 how are you doing now? A friend of mine is in a really similar situation to you. How did things work out for you? Thank you x

I was wondering about this too. You clearly manage everything when he is gone- how exactly is is such a giant issue?

I’d say he needs to try and make some changes

its not a great working style - and he made a very very bad decision
i can see it happening and it’s doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a repeat pattern now

but if he brushes this under the carpet
not good

If it wasn't for the kids I would definitely go , and to be honest probably not miss him that much. We don't have that much in common

Would you encourage your beat friend to stay with someone in this situation .... ?
Don't stay for the kids . . They don't thank you for being a martyr. And what do you think you are teaching them by staying in an unhappy relationship?

Go to therapy or something together to work things out OR go and do what can make you happier than this ...

I don’t believe it was the first time and I don’t believe he didn’t “get it on” sorry op.

I speak from bitter experience and I think something must’ve happened to make him fess up now, possibly fear of an infection.

sorry to be cynical but I’d be digging further.

@insomniac1 hello sorry to hear someone close to you is going through the same .

we are still together and things are ok actually, I do believe it was a one off, we ended up going to Marriage councillor Discussing everything and why we were both unhappy , husband felt the reason he did it was because of in his head lots of rejections from me over sex , it started to affect him inside and on the day it happened he thought forget her out marriage is over as some harsh words had been said. I believe him and what he said, we both tried to make things better in relationship and to be honest I haven’t thought about it in months. Not everyone could do what I have done and forgive and move on though . He still works abroad , the sacrifice of a job change was too big a hit on wages so I didn’t want him to go through with it, ultimately i need to trust him as if someone wants to cheat they will , doesn’t matter where they are. I think it was a mistake and I don’t think he will do it again. Our relationship isn’t perfect we still have bad days, but we have way more good days, he seems happier and I am happier. The actual event in a strange way has made us better as it gave us a reason to stop and listen and take action to improve us as a couple of that makes sense.

i think the main reason I could move forward was the fact he confessed to me off his own back and quickly too it not like it was months later.

You know him we dont.

He didnt sleep with her.
I would treat this as a turning point to work on your marriage

He obviously doesnt want to leave you and he's prepared to start making this work. Moving jobs etc

Use this as a fresh start