How am I ever going to leave?

[Fiftypercentrecycleable]

I'll try keep this short and sweet as possible.

I've been with (let's call him Bill) since 2014. At the time we both had full time jobs, and although he had a flat he pretty quickly moved in to my flat (around 2 months in).
Shortly after he lost his job. He was unemployed for about 6 months which put a strain on me financially but I was just happy to have a boyfriend.
He eventually got another job and we rented a bigger place in 2015, and within 6 months he lost his job again.

He hasn't had a job since. Fortunately we don't have kids, but because I'm working full time we get little to no help financially, and every month when I get my wages, I'm into my overdraft by the next day. And any benefit money he does get, he squanders away on buying online things for his playstation games.
We owe thousands to utility companies, rent arrears, council tax etc. We have a joint tenancy and all the bills are in both our names.

He's very emotionally manipulative, and always has an excuse for why he can't work right now. Neither of our families are involved in our lives, so we don't get any help that way.

I can genuinely say I can't stand him. He makes my skin crawl, we haven't been intimate in maybe 6+ years, haven't shared a bedroom in even longer. I work from home and suffer badly with social anxiety and I feel constantly trapped inside the house with him.

I can't afford to pay off my debts, let alone save up to move out. If I hand my notice to my landlord then Bill gets evicted too and he'll end up on the street. I've spoken to several debt management companies etc but my circumstances don't warrant their help so I feel well and truly stuck.

Has anyone else ever been in a similar situation, and how on earth did you ever come out of it?

Thank you if you made it this far.

Your only option is to leave. What happens to him is his concern. If you can't get a rental because you have a bad credit score then you can do a house share for a few years. It will also give you some time to get your finances back on track.

Were you turned down for a council house?

This sounds incredibly difficult.

I think you do need to ask yourself whether you can afford not to leave him. The longer it goes on, the further into this mess you get. You need to financially disentangle as soon as possible.

Is there a family member or close friend who could take you in for a while? I don't think you should concern yourself about what he does. He is an adult and will have to work something out / get a job / find somewhere to go. It is not your responsibility to keep him anymore.

Dear love. I am so sorry this is so awful.

If I hand my notice to my landlord then Bill gets evicted too and he'll end up on the street.

So? That's Bill's problem. Bottom line, do whatever it takes to get away from this man so you can start over. It will be tough going at first, but it will be 100% worth it. You will come out the other side.

I think you will find that if Bill is no longer able to cocklodge off you, he will suddenly and miraculously become able to work again. Or he won't. Either way, not your concern - simply, you can't spend any more of your one precious life with a man who makes your skin crawl.

As a PP suggested, maybe look at a house share for a few years to get yourself straight again. You'll probably find your anxiety will get better once he's gone too.

Bill has chosen not to work because he would rather spend his time playing Playstation.

Once he is evicted, and knows he has no income (you), I'll bet he is able to find a job that same day. Or another victim girlfriend.

You don't owe him anything. If anything, he owes you!

He was unemployed for about 6 months which put a strain on me financially but I was just happy to have a boyfriend.

That’s incredibly sad to read. Once you’ve dumped his useless arse please stay single for a while and realise you don’t need a boyfriend to validate you. You’ll be vulnerable to forming another dysfunctional relationship with a shit man.

He makes my skin crawl, we haven't been intimate in maybe 6+ years, haven't shared a bedroom in even longer.

Once the dust has settled on your new life without him you need to work out what the hell went on here that you’d put up with a lazy lodger you hate who costs you money for so long.

The longer this goes on the more debt and the trapped you are. Are you able to move home?

I would give notice immediately- you don't need to ask permission for this but inform the landlord that the (presumably joint) tenancy is ending. If he wants to take it on as a single tenancy that's up to him. Sadly you will be jointly liable for any utility debts if in joint names. It's worth adding up what is owed now and assume you will be the only one who will be paying. Contact the providers for a pay down plan. Or do you have a empty credit card that might offer a 0% or low rate cash advance? If so might be easier to just pay it off in one hit and clear as much of the balance as you can afford on a monthly basis.

Starting over is hard and painful but ultimately I cannot see you've another option

Firstly you make decisions for you right now and screw Bill. If he lands up on the streets because you can't live with him any longer then he's not a functional human being is he.

Forget him.

It's great you have no mortgage, you can totally leave.

The only issue is where to go.

I'd just up and leave even if you get a place a YWCA for a month and use their housing service as homeless, say you are NFA.

The bills will continue to chase him while he's there.

If you can get somewhere with an internet connection and get right back to work from there you will be all good as you can save up then without a leech spending all your money.

What if you just up and leave on payday? Could you have enough to rent for a month then?

Then you work your ass off from your comfy new home to pay next month's rent, and you carry on until you're all set up living a nice life with an income you can live off.

Then you get happy, then you find a good person to build the life you both want together and then you live a happy and fulfilling life.

Start looking now for the cheapest possible rental options e.g. renting a room. Once you find something, give your landlord notice and contact all utility companies and inform them you are moving out too (so you're not liable for anything ongoing). You are not Bill's mother or carer. He is an adult. Thank god you have no children together. You can do this!!

I had similar to you, I didn't leave my ex because he wouldn't be able to cope if I did. He would get evicted, he couldn't read or organise the bills, he would miss me. I'd be responsible for abandoning him.

They rely on this.

Once I was in my new place I literally realised I had been there for absolutely no reason at all as none of that mattered, nor was it my problem. It was liberating.

Yeah, fuck Bill and the horse he rode in on. Time to look after yourself.

You can leave. Fuck Bill, don’t worry about him being homeless, he is a grifter and won’t be homeless he will ether get a job, or more likely move in with another women who will pay for everything like you have.
Give notice today, and find yourself a shared house, stop paying for his food-lock the cupboard if you need to, ditto for any toiletries and anything that you have previously provided for him. Bill adds nothing to your life and you hate him, think how much better your life will be once he is gone, and next time please don’t settle for anyone just because you are happy to have a boyfriend, also any man wanting to move in after two months is a red flag, decent men provide for themselves so they would be much more reluctant to give up a home so soon.

If I hand my notice to my landlord then Bill gets evicted too and he'll end up on the street.

Good. It's where he deserves to be.

The utility company won't care that you're moving out though. I think the priority here should be getting out into another room. The debts can be dealt with afterwards when they eventually chase you, and then you can get help with them as single person on a low income or benefits.

Can you have him taken off the rental agreement as he is not working ?

You're not responsible for Bill.

Letting him move in after 2 months is too soon, I always said to boyfriends,,, no moving in until we've been together for at least 5 years. I've never had a man sponge off me.
Is his name on the tenancy, I suggest you find a room to rent and call your landlord, do not let Bill make you feel bad, who cares if he ends up sleeping in a ditch, not your concern.
Being a lodger will work out cheaper as you only pay rent, you don't have to worry about all the bills.

I wouldn't give a damn what happened to him.

Look after yourself, OP. Do whatever it takes to keep you safe and happy.

Leave on your next pay day. Rent a room for a while to get your head straight.

Thank you all for your responses.

I know logically I shouldn't care what happens to him, but I know for a fact that if anything were to happen because of me leaving I would never ever forgive myself. I've been through quite a lot of trauma in my life and I don't think I could handle that.

My credit score isn't good enough to rent anywhere else and I'm in so much debt I just can't see a way out of this, and because so many direct debits come out on the day I get my wages I'd never have enough to actually leave, I'm barely left with anything for the month as it is.

I'm on the waiting list for a council house/flat but because I'm not in any "harsh or life threatening conditions" I'm looking at 2-3 years of waiting.

I'm not sure what the point of your post was if you e already decided your going to stay with him

I know for a fact that if anything were to happen because of me leaving I would never ever forgive myself.

So, you're on the council house list, with 2 - 3 years to wait. That suits you because it means you don't have to do address this or do anything now.

But what happens when you get offered a council place? Are you going to turn it down? You leaving is you leaving whether it's now or later.

You need some practcal advice about how to leave and go on to manage the debt, direct debits and your own income. Have you tried the CAB? Womens Aid?

You also need some help dealing with your past trauma because currently you're caring about what happens to this dreadful man and accommodating him in your life. Someone with healthy boundaries wouldn't be doing that.

I'm sorry you're in such a tricky situation. Do you have any friends who could help you out?

If it were me I would become a lodger or do a flat share. Scrape together the deposit somehow. I'd then end the tenancy and leave. I'd get a second job at the weekend or evening and clear my debt.

In a few years you'd be solvent and free and could move on with your life. I most certainly wouldn't be staying with that waste of space.

Do you know exactly what you owe to who?

If I hand my notice to my landlord then Bill gets evicted too and he'll end up on the street.

not your problem. He’s an adult man not a dog. It’s up to him to find somewhere. You are doing this to yourself.