How am I ever going to leave?

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I'll try keep this short and sweet as possible.

I've been with (let's call him Bill) since 2014. At the time we both had full time jobs, and although he had a flat he pretty quickly moved in to my flat (around 2 months in).
Shortly after he lost his job. He was unemployed for about 6 months which put a strain on me financially but I was just happy to have a boyfriend.
He eventually got another job and we rented a bigger place in 2015, and within 6 months he lost his job again.

He hasn't had a job since. Fortunately we don't have kids, but because I'm working full time we get little to no help financially, and every month when I get my wages, I'm into my overdraft by the next day. And any benefit money he does get, he squanders away on buying online things for his playstation games.
We owe thousands to utility companies, rent arrears, council tax etc. We have a joint tenancy and all the bills are in both our names.

He's very emotionally manipulative, and always has an excuse for why he can't work right now. Neither of our families are involved in our lives, so we don't get any help that way.

I can genuinely say I can't stand him. He makes my skin crawl, we haven't been intimate in maybe 6+ years, haven't shared a bedroom in even longer. I work from home and suffer badly with social anxiety and I feel constantly trapped inside the house with him.

I can't afford to pay off my debts, let alone save up to move out. If I hand my notice to my landlord then Bill gets evicted too and he'll end up on the street. I've spoken to several debt management companies etc but my circumstances don't warrant their help so I feel well and truly stuck.

Has anyone else ever been in a similar situation, and how on earth did you ever come out of it?

Thank you if you made it this far.

Hello OP, we are all very sorry for what has happened to you and we really do empathize with you, however I agree with @DenholmElliot there is no point in posting if you have made up your mind and you are not willing to accept any of the advice people are giving you.

I do not think that we need to tell you anything, that you actually know what you have to do, but I will still repeat it to you. There is no point in staying with this person. You do not love him and he most definitely does not love you, he is useless, lazy parasite that uses you to pay his bills. You are both adults and have to find the way out of this situation and there are ways. They may not be ideal for the time being but you have to start somewhere. You have to get out of this relationship asap and he has to learn how to take care of himself. There is no other option for you. I mean there is... to stay and keep sinking. There will get the point when what you are earning will not be enough to cover all your expenses and your dept, what will you do then? You may both end up on the street, homeless. Think about that.

The harsh reality is that in 2/3 years time you will still be a working age adult and therefore extremely unlikely to qualify for council housing as demand is only going to increase over the coming years and your situation will not render you a priority

The situation you are in is not sustainable; you could look into a IVA? I have no idea why you'd want to spend another 2 years with a man who makes your skin crawl.

I think you're completely burying your head in the sand here. I'm guessing you're mid to late twenties? You don't say how old you are. But please stop wasting a perfectly good live in a situation you yourself say you can't stand. It's hard I know as I've run up huge amounts of debt previously but unless you're likely to be in receipt of a large fortune anytime soon the only way out of this mess is through hard graft; something your partner appears not to give two hoots about

Hi,

I appreciate it is a really difficult situation if every payday flips straight into overdraft. Overdrafts are not cheap and it makes it look impossible to do anything.

Can you change the dates of your direct debits so you have a space with money? It might let you get a week's rent for a room?

Try asking your bank what you can do or switch if it helps?
survivingeconomicabuse.org/i-need-help/banking/how-banks-can-help/

I would suggest you start off with the decision that you will leave and live on your own because this is just dragging you under. ( You don't know you would make him homeless.) Once you have that outlook maybe get your paperwork lined up and ready to go with you. Think of what you actually need and don't worry about anything you don't. If you can get more work get it and put your money aside. You don't need to explain yourself to Bill but you can always tell a white lie and say you are saving up to get a car or a licence. Once your direction is set look out for how you can make it happen. Be ready for new answers.

Baby steps can work even if you are shaking at first but it is easy to say stuff like this. Maybe see if you can change when the Dad's go out to take the pressure off pay day anyway?

Go back to the housing officer and tell them you are in a relationship which you need to get out of because it is harming you. You might get an offer sooner than 2-3 years?

Direct Debits not 'Dad's"

I can't afford to pay off my debts, let alone save up to move out. If I hand my notice to my landlord then Bill gets evicted too and he'll end up on the street.

So appreciate that you feel responsible for Bill, which is great for Bill as he feels zero responsibility for himself or you. It will not change whilst you enable this. He is not even contributing with his benefits, which shows he has zero feelings for you.

Time to look after number one & put an end to this misery. End the tenancy, sort out your debts and Bill will need to grow up and find a job (& new home).

OP, nothing is ever going to change or improve in your life until you get rid of this pathetic useless parasite who doesn’t give a damn about you and is cynically exploiting your good nature.

Dump him.

What happens to him then is not your responsibility. Let him find some other mug to leech off.

This all day.

I don't know why you think I've decided to stay in this situation.. I've tried to make it clear that I genuinely can't see a way out of this situation and I'm looking for advice. I don't want to be living in debt, miserable with what feels like no options.

I've spoken to Citizens advice about my debts and because of the circumstances (eg I've been willingly paying off per month, £1 here and there to try and do something) I apparently don't qualify for help unless I go bankrupt, which would mean losing my job that I've been at for 10+ years.

Thank you I didn't even know the banks offered anything like this I'll look into it!

Also just to add - I don't get a say in how long I'll have to wait to be offered a property with the local council, all I know is they've told me I'm likely to be waiting around 2-3 years before that happens.

Is he actually named on the lease of the flat?

OP, you feel trapped. I get it.. but actually you feel more trapped than you really are.

my mate ‘Sue’ had a Bill. A charming and friendly chap when you first meet him and once you got to know him, a lazy sponging waste of human skin. He (apparently) had terrible mental health.

Any suggestion that he might attempt to support himself or his weed and gaming habit, and he’d take to his bed with (alleged) PTSD. Nevermind making a bloody contribution to the bills or rent. Poor bloody Sue stuck by him for 10 years. Hating him for about 9 of those, but not daring to chuck him out, in case ‘something‘ happened and she couldn’t forgive herself.

after a lot of counselling and soul searching and the realisation she was going to turn 40 and still have this lazy shit in her life… she finally, finally screwed up the courage to do the thing she should have done aged 30. She ignored the excuses, the threats of suicide and packed his stuff. She’d come to realise, she (like you) is not responsible for someone else’s mental health. Only your own.

a mere 2 weeks later, she Rang me. Guess what the fucker had done?

he‘d spun some poor woman a sobstory and moved in with her. That’s what he’d done.

Far from being not OK, the human hermit crab was absolute fine, he had merely scuttled off sideways and found someone else to leech off.

Sue was incandescent with rage. All those wasted years with that layabout. On the plus side, she’s living her best life now. All the money she now has because she isn’t paying for him. She has a full program of festivals and amazing trips planned.

id say plan A should be some help/ counselling so you can come to terms with the fact that you aren’t responsible for him, and you aren’t responsible for his actions.

If the rent and bills are in joint names, see if you can transfer some of the bills into his sole name. Maybe you can persuade him it's in his interests to do that, so that then he's only liable for some of the bills, not all of them.
Then you would only need to pay the ones in your name.
What happens when you tell him he needs to contribute? I would not be buying household food/drinks/anything else for a loser who refused to contribute.
As you live separately, with separate rooms, I would have thought that he could make a benefits claim seeing as you do not have a duty to support him and you are not living as a couple. These days, lots of couples separate whilst still continuing to live in the same accommodation. Make sure you do not do anything like washing or cooking for him. You are literally flatmates. If he can claim, he can contribute to the bills. If he still refuses, give notice. Well, do that anyway if he won't play ball. You can't afford to continue paying for him. It would be much cheaper to live by yourself.
In the meantime, can you earn any extra money? Get a bar job, do evening waitressing or something?

I was in your shoes once. Here is what I did:

Save up 1 months rent, deposit and moving van costs. Once you have this, you can just go.

Find a studio or 1 bed private let dealing direct with the landlord not an agency. Many landlords dont credit check and will rent to you because you work full time.

Give immediate notice on your lease and cancel all direct debits and accounts.

Have prepay meters installed or set up new direct debits.

For Utilities, you can have your debt added to your new account so every time you top up, you also pay off the debt.

Move.

The worse that can happen is CCJs against you but your credit will already be ruined anyway.

Stop paying the debt off until you have moving funds.

The cocklodger will crawl back to mummy or family. Stop putting your life on hold for him.

I'd definitely make an appointment to speak to your bank, explain the situation and see what your options are for consolidating debt in a manageable way. That'll be the key to walking away - having your finances in a better place. Good luck x x

Maybe try and speak to citizen's advice or even woman's aid to try and find a way out of this situation. I think you just need to sit down, work out what your expenses are and put together an exit strategy.

With the cost of living going up you cannot afford to keep a manchild in online gaming (who pays for the internet?). This situation is not going to get better anytime soon and you will be in even more debt in a couple of years time.

He's taken cocklodging to a whole new level!

Leave.

He'll be fine.

He'll find another GF to scrounge off.

I've spoken to Citizens advice about my debts and because of the circumstances (eg I've been willingly paying off per month, £1 here and there to try and do something) I apparently don't qualify for help unless I go bankrupt, which would mean losing my job that I've been at for 10+ years.

This doesn't sound right to me, OP. There are other ways than bankruptcy. What about and IVA or payment plans? Maybe speak to a different debt charity?

Definitely try the bank too, as suggested.

I know you feel stuck, but you just can't carry on like this or you will go under anyway.

Any chance you can throw him out now and sort it all later (get your reduction in Council Tax...etc)? He needs to go. As soon as possible.

I stayed with someone fir debt reasons.. Bill will fund a job.

You aren't responsible for Bill. You Bills will go down without Bill. Can you increase your income? Work evenings weekends to clear debt. Refuse to finance anything fir Bill tell him he has to go.

I have a feeling you won't though.

Sorry to hear about this sorry mess. Time to sort out your life and ditch the cocklodger.

Contact PayPlan DMP charity. I have a Debt Managemnt Plan with them. I had never missed a payment and was completely allowed to go on a plan. I was struggling to pay 1200 a month and with PayPlan its 600. Look at this now.

As you're already in arrears you may as well cancel all direct debits and take your full salary on payday. Then the late payments requests etc will start and you ignore them all. Take one months salary and find anything, a house or flat share and start again.

Good luck.

The lazy git hasn't worked since 2015 and you're worried he'll end up on the street? His problem. Why should you leave your flat? Tell him to get out.

If it were me I would....
Set up a new basic bank account with a bank I do not owe money to. And change my pay to go directly into this.
I would cancel all the direct debits about 4 days before pay day.

I would then pay each of them £1 per month and inform them that you are getting help with your debt with a debt charity so if they could accept the token payment in the meantime. I have used StepChange.

Contact StepChange or whoever you use. Make sure it is a money advise charity not just a debt management company.

When you give StepChange all your information tell them you need to move out ASAP and make sure that you tell them which debts your hopefully soon to be ex is also liable for. I expect he has carefully put everything in your name though hasn't he!

Using your pay in the new account find yourself somewhere to go. A tiny bedsit would feel less claustrophobic than living with this leech as you are. Imagine how it would feel.

Then take meter readings and photographic proof and move out. Also photograph the flat.
Give immediate notice to your landlord.

Do you have any friends who would help you move? If not how about a man with a van?

You can deal with your debts bit by bit. You MAY be able to do a DRO which would not effect your work if you are sure that a bankruptcy would.

Or you may have to repay every penny but you can do it bit by bit and you will will eventually be free. Don't forget to get your creditors to chase him too for any liability. But at least you will slowly be getting out of the hole. The longer you stay where you are the worse it is going to get.

It is time to put your "big girl pants" on as my mate used to say and woman up and do this.

That "man" will be absolutely fine and will slither away and sponge off someone else probably! He is a grown up and you are NOT responsible for him. Because trust me, he would not be supporting you if you were unable to work for whatever reason.

Look for private landlords ...ask to pay deposits in 2 lots ...any thing you have to. But just get out. You are in an abusive toxic relationship. Women's Aid may be able to help you too.

But for your sake please. Leave him.

Give Christians Against Poverty a call (Martin Lewis from Money Saving Expert recommends them). They're a free debt/money advice charity and they'll be able to help you figure out what to do money-wise. If you're massively in debt and struggling, you might need to get an IVA but at least this gets your creditors off your back and will allow you freedom to leave.

I have a friend who was stuck in an awful marriage many years ago but felt she couldn't leave because of the mountain of debt and all the joint names stuff but she eventually got free. She's now debt free and is with a lovely, normal man who is treats her the way she deserves! There is a future out there for you beyond all this, but you'll need to be the one to take the first step. 😊

I would ask for counselling at the doctor OP to help you get perspective that it isn't your responsibility what Bill does. That seems to be what is holding you back from leaving. It isn't a healthy situation for you, it doesn't seem like Bill minds that you are in all this debt because of him so is not showing you any respect but you still feel responsible for him. You deserve to be happy OP.

I'd be making plans to leave. Bill is not your responsibility and it isn't your job to make sure he has a roof over his head. It sounds like it will be a hard thing for you to overcome but you need to grit your teeth and get past any feeling of responsibility for him. Bill sounds like he quite happily takes what he needs from your living arrangement, leaving you to sort the bills and other payments while he wastes his money on his own enjoyment. You've said you can't stand him, so make plans to leave.

Could you look at a house share if you can't afford to rent privately by yourself? Have you spoken to the agencies you have debts with to see if there's anything you can do/freeze debts/token payment until things are a bit easier? You could speak to Stepchange or the Citizens Advice if you haven't already and see if there's anything suitable to help reduce some of the stress of the debts.