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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Distraught, don't know how to feel

38 replies

Candlev · 09/05/2022 03:17

I am 9 months pregnant and my husband just got arrested for detention of pedopornography.
I'm distraught.

I don't know how to feel. I found out about it recently. Was completely shaken. I spoke to helplines about it, and he spoke to associations about his porn addiction, but the police must have been alerted.

I believe he is making it up that I called the police on him for alleged domestic abuse.
(I was in contact with women's aid and other associations on and off for various reasons, but never called the police on him, and when they asked if I wanted to press charges for domestics, I said no).
Police are saying his parents know but his parents are denying it and saying that he, himself, doesn't know why he is being arrested and is only speculating.
(Which is not true as he told me that he had admitted everything about the indecent photos and that they took his phone away and asked me if I thought he was in trouble. He wasn't pissed at me, so he knew it wasn't me)

So, on top of the situation, I have been receiving accusatory phone calls since this morning. But I never told them why he actually got arrested.

I feel like shit.
I feel so scared, lonely and can't sleep.

Police told me he would get therapy, and that he wouldn't have unsupervised contact with the baby until therapy was over.

I feel both extremely reassured and extremely crap.

What is going to happen once he gets out of custody? Is he going to come home directly?
What do I do, what do I say?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 09/05/2022 03:30

You do everything possible to ensure this man is never near your child. You never speak or communicate with him or his family in any way, whatsoever. They are permanently blocked. You do not put him on the birth certificate, and you do not allow any contact unless he goes to court and the court demands it. That's what you do.

Original poster
Candlev · 09/05/2022 03:42

Thank you
I will do that

OP posts:
Sweepingeyelashes · 09/05/2022 04:40

You poor thing. This must have been such a shock.

I am afraid as you are married he will be on the birth certificate. I mean I know it might be seen as charmingly old-fashioned to be married but there is always a chorus of don't put him on the birth certificate.

Whatever he is telling his parents, he obviously does know what he has been arrested for. It may not have been anybody telling the police as they do sweep for this kind of stuff being downloaded and your husband was extremely naive to think this wouldn't be noticed by the authorities. Obviously people are going to find out its not about domestic abuse.

Police may have told you he wouldn't have unsupervised contact with the baby until therapy was over. I wouldn't care what therapy he had, as far as I'd be concerned any contact at all would be supervised given that he is watcher of child pornography.

I would begin proceedings for divorce as soon as possible. I would revert to my maiden name if I had been using my married name and I would give the baby my surname. I think your husband's name is likely to be reported. I would apply for sole custody.

I do hope you have family support or supportive friends. Remember you haven't done anything wrong. Is there somebody who can come and stay with you? If he is bailed I'd kick him out to his parents who are persisting in a state of denial.

Original poster
Candlev · 09/05/2022 04:52

Thank you for your reply and your kind words. It means a lot, especially right this moment.

I am waiting to see what will happen today. If he will be allowed back home or not. And what is going to happen next

OP posts:
Addicted2LuvIsland · 09/05/2022 05:29

Allowed home? Whether he is allowed or not he shouldn't be in the house. Both because of the nature of the pron but also the DV.

AlternativePerspective · 09/05/2022 05:35

I would speak to a solicitor wrt whether he can come home. The fact that you’re married complicates things in that he will have rights in terms of the marital home. Once your baby is born you will likely have a case for his not being allowed in the property, but before that may be more complicated.

As you are married his name will automatically be on the birth certificate, but I would equally speak to your solicitor about his not having contact with the baby once it’s born.

And divorce the bastard.

Original poster
Candlev · 09/05/2022 08:12

Thank you for your response.
I will contact a solicitor today

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 09/05/2022 08:34

Please do contact a solicitor.

KangarooKenny · 09/05/2022 08:35

I’m assuming SS will get involved too. You need to tell your MW, and the HV

Original poster
Candlev · 09/05/2022 08:46

Yes, the case was registered sith SS and from my understanding they will indeed be frequently involved in the next steps.

What does HV mean?

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 09/05/2022 08:52

Health Visitor

SunnyShiner · 09/05/2022 08:55

Why would you want him to be allowed home? He won't be coming back unless you mean to get his things?

Kitten2 · 09/05/2022 08:56

If I were you I would stop ALL contact with him and absolutely everyone to do with him. Don't put him on the birth certificate. Move abroad or at least far away and don't tell anyone where you've gone.

Original poster
Candlev · 09/05/2022 09:02

I don't want him back home,
I am scared of his reaction if he and his family are back home with m

OP posts:
Original poster
Candlev · 09/05/2022 09:05

KangarooKenny · 09/05/2022 08:52

Health Visitor

Ah I see
I will get more information later on today on the whole situation.
I told the police I didnt want him to have unsupervised time with the baby.

Will try to advance my appointment with my midwife as my cramps are getting more and more painful and will tell her about it all

OP posts:
Blossomandbee · 09/05/2022 09:05

Whatever you do, do not put him on the birth certificate. It will give him parental rights that you will never be able get removed.

Original poster
Candlev · 09/05/2022 09:05

Thank you for your all your advice

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 09/05/2022 09:06

Do not have any contact with him or his family. Bar them now.
Change your door lock and get a chain/bolts fitted front door and back.
Do not put his name on the birth certificate.
Do not put any photos or details on line. Ask friends/family not to post either.
Block him and all family from SM.

Original poster
Candlev · 09/05/2022 09:11

The police asked if I was okay if he came back or what living arrangements I prefered as after the interview later on they would have to release him as they cant keep him after a certain amount of time.

Im worried, does it mean he is just going to be let go off with no repercussion? Or is it still safe for me to assume he won't be allowed near the baby unsupervised?

OP posts:
Addicted2LuvIsland · 09/05/2022 09:13

I would ring solicitor or speak to SS given they are already involved

cooldarkroom · 09/05/2022 09:15

He should nit be allowed home.
What is the situation re your house?
Would it bd possible to relocate before the baby us born ? Or near you support group
Ignore "people" accusing you,
Or say, he has been arrested for pedophilia. & you would have dobbed it in if you had known.

NoSquirrels · 09/05/2022 09:18

Call the police again. Say he is not to be released home to stay at your house. Tell them you are scared of him and extreme vulnerable.

GodspeedJune · 09/05/2022 09:23

They will be releasing him while they continue the investigation. They have 6 months to bring a charge against him. Do you have an idea of what you need help with in the immediate future?

Campervangirl · 09/05/2022 09:26

NoSquirrels · 09/05/2022 09:18

Call the police again. Say he is not to be released home to stay at your house. Tell them you are scared of him and extreme vulnerable.

This!!
He needs to be released to one of his family members homes.
Set your stall out now, he doesn't get to come home, he doesn't nor do his family get to abuse you, he doesn't get access to your baby without a court order.
Protect yourself and your child, ring ss too and tell them that you don't want him at home, that you're scared and vulnerable.
💐For you

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 09/05/2022 09:31

You must press charges for domestic violence, it's you and your baby's best protection from this predator. It will enable you get a non molestation order, an occupation order on your home and to access legal aid:
childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/legal-aid-if-you-have-been-a-victim-of-domestic-abuse-or-violence/

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