anyone had counselling and it helped their midlife crisis?

[Haggisfish3]

I’m mid forties and very happily married. Dh genuinely fabulous person and two lovely dc. Good job I enjoy. However, I think I have a lot of unresolved trauma and hurt from my mid teens when my parents divorced in a horrible fashion. I think this trauma is now coming out. I have recently contacted an ex I went out with during that time and we have become close again. I have had several opportunities to reconnect with this person since we split but have never had the slightest notion to do that. Until recently. I don’t really understand why I have got in touch or what I want from it. Has anyone had counselling for similar issues that has helped them understand themselves more? Or even a dh who has had a mid life crisis and had counselling that helped?
I really want to understand my behaviour more. I know I need to end this reconnection and I intend to do that soon. I’m looking for reassurance that it can be helped with counselling, I guess.

Mid 40s?

Start of peri/menopause would be my guess. It made me question everything about my life and do stupid things too.

Yes, counselling/talk therapy helps.

Yes I’m definitely in perimenopause. I know the general thing said is that it helps, but I’m curious to know if people have actually been helped, rather than a generic ‘it will
help’ if that makes sense!

How long did it last?

I've had CBT which was fantastic for negative thought patterns . I had some therapeutic counselling for loss that really helped my grief. I found hypnotherapy fantastic for anxiety.

@autienotnaughty thank you. I’ve had cbt for anxiety and it worked as well.

@Haggisfish3 Yes, I found it helped me to understand why I was being like I was and provided coping strategies. General talk therapy and CBT.

@autienotnaughty The peri/menopause or the counselling? I'm still in peri and the counselling was a 6 week block I arranged to work through why I was becoming irrationally frustrated/anxious/short tempered then a "refresher" of CBT.

Thank you

@DatingDinosaur sorry the peri menopause. I've been have symptoms a couple of years I'm not sure if I want it to go full blown or if this is actually easier!

Ah okay. Not sure what “full blown perimenopause” is though.

Everyone experiences it differently – what you’re experiencing might be as bad as it gets for you. As I understand it, menopause is a label for one year after your last period. Up until then it’s classed as perimenopause.

I’ve certainly become calmer now I have a reason/explanation/therapy for my change in behaviour. I see it as it being something we have to find our own coping mechanisms for it because it’s just a natural part of being a woman.

I have recently contacted an ex I went out with during that time and we have become close again. I have had several opportunities to reconnect with this person since we split but have never had the slightest notion to do that. Until recently. I don’t really understand why I have got in touch or what I want from it.

You may very well be having issues with peri-menopause. It can be brutal, I know first hand. Regardless, you have got to get your shit together and stop communicating with your ex. Right now, completely stop. You are on the verge of detonating a grenade right into the middle of your life and your marriage. Familiar with the expression "playing with fire?" That's exactly what you are doing.

Give your head a wobble and stop that nonsense immediately.

@Aquamarine1029 I agree that’s what I ‘should’ do. But I want to be able to do that properly, understanding why I contacted him and why he’s been able to get under my skin so easily. I ‘know’ I’m not in love with him as I don’t really know him anymore, obviously. And we have never even gone away for a night together or weathered any of life together etc. but at the same time, the spark that was there when we met is still very much there. And the stuff w eloped about each other is still there. We split up for no real reason and neither of us were horrible to the other. So it almost feels ‘unfinished’. I also want to understand why I’m prepared to throw a grenade into my marriage. If I’m honest, I feel I often don’t appreciate what I have until it’s gone-potentially that could include my marriage. Why is that the case? Im curious to know if anyone has managed to find resolution to similar problems through good counselling.

I think therapy will be very helpful in figuring this out. If the ex is from the time when your parents divorced, perhaps your younger self is trying to revisit the past for a chance to change things? Did he support you emotionally through your parents' split? If the trauma is coming out now, maybe you associate him with this and are seeking that comfort again?

Counselling will help you unravel this; I don't think it's about the ex at all - you associate him with a time in your past that you now need to examine and make peace with.

I could have written your posts! I am going through very similar currently. I've been having therapy for the last year to deal with many issues from my childhood, divorced parents and really horrible aftermath and it's forced me to confront the fact that I have never really felt physical desire for DH. Until now (17 years of marriage) I've "managed" and we have a wonderful family and happy life in so many ways. But suddenly I feel I may regret this life and the choices I've made. I've seen an ex recently, our relationship ended for no dramatic reason, nothing all has happened between us now but I can't stop thinking "what if?" But equally I can't bear the thought of destroying my husband's life and the happiness of our children. It's a horrible place to be. You have my sympathy, I wish I had an answer.

Therapy totally changed my life. When I started it I was so confused and lost, unhappy and scared. After a few months I could see things so clearly for what they were. I realized that my husband was emotionally and financially abusing me and that I did not want to "work it out". Left him within the year.😊

I had 2 years of therapy and at the time spent about £3k on tattoos. 😄

Feeling much better now.

Therapy definitely made me think more clearly. I would say it would help to have counselling. Yes there could well be unresolved issues from years ago. Maybe the ex is related to that time of your life. I have an ex that got in touch was also had a feeling of being unfinished. It was a few years after I had started wondering about him and decisions I had made. Good luck.

@Catnipples so much of your post resonates! He did act as a distraction and support through the worst of it. And my parents have each hurt me again recently which could totally help explain it. I’m definitely going to go to counselling as I think a lot of you are right. It’s not ‘him’ per se. I spoke to the ex and we had a really good chat. We have agreed to be friends moving forward. He is a decent chap and it’s nice to be back in contact. It is, bizarrely, helping me fall in love with dh all over again as im really thinking about all that I get from dh and our relationship. Thank you all, I’m so glad I posted.

I’m sorry to hear you feel similarly. I think my situation is slightly different in that I am still very attracted to dh, and he to me. I hope you find peace eventually.

I’m older than you but am having counselling now and it’s so helpful I’m thinking of paying for some for DD just because I know how many mistakes I could have avoided if I’d known some of this stuff 40 years ago.

I have been in therapy on and off for about ten years and it has been life changing for me.

I got to my forties and everything went 'bang'. My mother ran off with one of her old affair partners, my marriage was a sham, some friendships were downright toxic, one sibling estranged themselves, the other moved abroad, came back and didn't tell me. It was a complete and utter mess. No wonder I was so unhappy.

What it did was to have someone finally listen to me, really listen to me and understand. I was able to unpick my awful childhood and the scapegoating that had led to me being a people pleaser and doormat. It took a long time to process but gave me the confidence and self esteem to end my marriage, get back to work, eventually go no contact with my family and get away from some invalidating people who kept me stuck in a dysfunctional self defeating role.

It wasn't easy and I grieved a lot of losses, especially the fantasy of my family. I am a different person now, in a happy relationship with a happy daughter. I would recommend it to anyone.

One of the most startling things is I didn't realise how dysfunctional most of my relationships were. Just couldn't see it because it seemed normal to me. I'm still reevaluating some friendships but my attachment style has become more secure which makes life so much easier to cope with. I would definitely recommend it to be able to understand yourself.

I think the perimenopause has a lot to answer to in all of this op.

There is another thread running about 'how content are you'? My answer would likely be 50/50. Some aspects better than ever such as some work I find enjoyable (a new thing)/okay finances and the satisfaction from seeing my dc grow etc. It's mainly the relationships in my life that fall short and also the seemingly continual stream of health issues albeit minor so far and likely connected to the peri. I have already had a number of tests/treatment this year and seem to lurch from one niggle to another.

I have received some therapy for trauma related issues in childhood. Yes, I have a longing to go back in some ways (such as my college days) and I'm trying to reconnect with the past and probably somehow wanting to re-write it, I can't quite make sense of it so reading this thread is very useful. I ask myself just how unhappy I am or how much is attributed to the peri-menopause. Fortunately, I've not done anything irrational/made any major decisions. I live quite an insular life so that might be a good thing given my current situation. In better moments I am able to stand back and look at things/the whole picture and what I have got and yet there feels this rumble of discontent like somehow I'm not living my best life - mostly in connection with not great relationships and this is likely attributed to my traumatic upbringing. The other regret I have is that I didn't understand myself better at an earlier age and made limited choices thanks to having poor mental health.

I would very much like to return back to therapy at some point. I appreciate just having a listening ear.

I so wish that was the same for me. It might give me more hope for the future. Instead I just now am filled with a shocking realisation, guilt and utterly feeling trapped and lacking hope. I know it's stupid but I keep thinking if I died that would be the easier solution. At least I wouldn't be the villain. I wish you all the best xx

I'm mid 30s happily married and dad of 2 under 2. Becoming a parent brought to the surface all of my skeletons and traumas. Been working with a psychotherapist for the past 6 months and it was the best decision ever. Trust me, just do it. (My parents divorced, eating disorder, addictions etc etc).

I thought id come back and update for anyone looking for similar in future. I am having counselling and it is really helping. I realise my hugely dysfunctional
family have affected me more than I thought and my
Relationships and how I view myself. I’m working through it and have stepped away from any potential affair and am feeling much better. Thnaks for contributions.

@Haggisfish3 Funnily enough I was thinking about this the other day & wondered how you were doing.
Really good to hear you're working through things & feeling better 😊 It's not easy but so worth it x