Separated

[Primrosehill82]

Hi all
i would just like your advice & experience if possible.
My husband & I have recently separated, he moved out a month ago to a two bed flat in the next town.
we separated because he said I’ve been bullying him & have done over the past two years.
to give you a bit of background - we have a 7 year old son with autism and two year old twins, all our children are ivf (3 rounds & 3 miscarriages)
my son got diagnosed with autism 4 days before I gave before to our twins in aug 2019.
I developed (undiagnosed until recently) pnd after having the twins and then we went into the covid lockdown.
We have no family close by or no support network.
im on anti depressants now and I am seeing a therapist for my pnd and my separation.

with regards to my husband he says the bullying centred around my asking him to do too much around the house - he said I had him getting up in the morning to tidy the kitchen, empty the dishwasher, change twins nappies, do the kids breakfasts all before he could leave for work. He also said when he came in after work (he has a very pressured job) he would have to make me & him dinner - he resents me for all this.
I don’t recall it happening quite like this, however as I used to do all of looking after the 3 children during lockdown (& after lockdown as I don’t work) & homeschooling my 7 year (5 at the time) which was difficult due to his autism and I was very low due my pnd and obviously we had no support because of lockdown.
my husband said he felt he was doing too much around the house and I kept piling on more pressure.
my question is - is there any hope of a reconciliation after a separation?
Had anyone experienced anything similar with husband feeling like he’s doing too much around the house?
(please be nice, I’m quite fragile at the moment)

It does sound like he was doing a lot before he left for work in the morning. What did he say you were doing at this point, and how do you remember it ?
And I’m going to assume you were doing bath and bed for 3 children while he cooked tea, or were you sitting with your feet up enjoying a glass of wine ?
I don’t see how this can be solved until he sees what really went on.
How much is going to have the kids now he’s gone ?

I'm not sure there is much hope. Sorry, but accepting two sides to every issue etc, what you have described expecting is in my experience normal for a DH to do, accepting he has a pressured job. Equally you have a pressured job with the kids as well and it needs to be a team effort and not one he comes home and does little whilst you carry on alone.

Unfortunately his position is likely to be one of refusing to come home but in his terms, if he is even prepared to consider it. Currently he gets to live the single life. How much is he having the kids at his flat overnight?

Thanks for the reply.
I was actually helping too, I would be up with the kids helping with the breakfasts etc

Yes I was doing bath & bedtime with the kids in the evening.

we would take turns to cook in the evening and whoever didn’t cook would tidy the down the kitchen afterwards.

he’s having the kids every other weekend.

he is taking our son to school 3 times a week

He’s having the kids every other weekend and they will be staying over night when he does.

he’s yet to have them as we haven’t told our eldest daddy is no longer living with us we’ve just said he’s working away.

he can’t have them overnight through the week cos he works till gone 7pm and the kids are in bed for 7pm.

Is it possible that he’s using this as an excuse to go ? Putting it on you.

Yeah possibly

we’ve been together 18 years, married for 10 - it’s all been very happy.

we are having separation counselling and he told the counsellor in our session last week that when our son was born in 2015 he felt he lost his ‘fun loving wife’

ill be completely honest and say I don’t think he enjoys family life (as at times it can be boring) and I do wonder if he just prefers the part time parenting - I’ve never asked & he would never admit anyway

Have you been able to access couple's therapy? It sounds like you both had different expectations of how life with small children would be and it helps to have a third party in the room when those are aired. Three children under 7 is hard and you have twins and a child with autism which is extra hard. If he thought that he could come home and put his feet up whilst you worked 24/7 on house and childcare he needs a reality check. Maybe PND, a global pandemic and homeschooling meant that you both got tired and stressed and didn't communicate well.

What does he want to happen? Does he want to work on the marriage?

It may be that there is a third party. It is painful I know but blaming the wife for all a man's unhappiness is part of the script.

What do you want to happen and do you have treatment/support for PND?

Hang on, you have a child with autism, and twins, and HE feels put upon and has decided to bail?

What a monumental bastard. Selfish in the extreme. Call in the lawyers, not the counsellors. This sounds like an excuse anyway. Watch him carefully. “Cherchez la femme.”

Having a child tests how strong the marriage/relations are.

Having 2, 3, or more children tests it x2, x3 times more.

For us developing happy family relations is about improving/having good communication and agreeing on a fair load/amount of work.

We made a list of what needs to be done for the day to day tasks:

1. daily
2. weekly
3. monthly

Then we chose who naturally prefers doing what/who is better at doing what/doesn't mind doing it so we share it more or less equally & fairly.

Try this practical method. It might help.

He doesn’t want to work on the marriage, we did try couples counselling but he just wasn’t putting any effort.

we are doing separation counselling which differs from traditional couples counselling but he did say he wants to learn to communicate properly with me, so I guess that’s something. I do really love him.

yes I’m on mirtazapine for my pnd which also helps me sleep as I’ve not slept properly for nearly two years and I’ve just started individual therapy for it too.

Thanks for this - it actually made me laugh 🤣 god knows I need it.

This is actually a great way of working.

We used to communicate really well, but we just had a breakdown in communication.

we ended up moving to a semi rural area 6 weeks before the twins were born and my son goes to school 17 miles away in Brighton so I never got the chance to make mum friends really. (we kept him at the school because he we used to live in Brighton - hindsight is a great thing we should have just moved him to a local school, but the Brighton school has very good SEN provision)

Which just added to my isolation really.

Also he does say there isn’t anyone else - I can’t prove this obvs.

however when we did have a big argument over our situation in nov last year he made a very odd comment..

’I could have 10000 women queuing up round the block for me with the money I earn, you don’t realise how lucky you are’

that type of comment is completely out of character for him.

He may well have had his head turned then, and is blaming you so he can escape.
Classic deflection.

So you weren't led in bed all day expecting him to everything?

I think he didn't like family life and the drudgery of 3 young dc. Now he gets to play super dad by doing school runs and you're left with the majority of the work day in and day out, by yourself. I don't think he's a very nice man, I think he's selfish.

I had to make my ex h leave the house when I ended our marriage. I ended it when I very much loved him and didn't want it to end. I know how it feels to lose that security of thinking you'll always be with someone. It was awful at the time, I broke down with stress for a few months. 6 months on I'm so happy, so so happy.

I was also a sp for years when my two dc were small. I loved the freedom. You can pick your dc up from school and go to the park for a picnic or get a chip shop tea in the park. You may well find you have less work to do as husbands can create so much physical and mental work that soon you may be feeling amazed about how much more energy you have. My top top tip is to buy paper plates and put your school aged dc onto school dinners (I didn't have a dishwasher when my dc were young). Get a NT pass, mines a fiver a month, make sandwiches and go exploring on your weekends with them. They will all sleep well with the fresh air. Make plans to go to softplay hell with your friends, get out and make parent friends. I see on MeetUp that they arrange park dates for parents. Make your life as stress free as possible.

I don't know how much money you have but a Davil Lloyd membership might be in budget. You can take your eldest swimming after school if his autism restricts him from the kid classes and have the twins in the creche. You could use school time as a time for the twins to go to the creche and exercise too. Exercise will really help you beat depression and make you feel great once you get past the initial unfitness.

You can create a great life for yourself.

A good break up meditation m.youtube.com/watch?v=j5G71BVjYZw

You had twins.
You have an older child with autism.
You had PND.
You had lockdown.

He's monumentally selfish if he thinks the small amount of stepping up he had to do was too much. Don't blame yourself.

It does sound as if he has checked out of the marriage, it doesn't mean there is no way back but can you do some thought experiments about what you want and need? Does it make sense to be so isolated and semi rural if you are on your own? I did it for a while and lovely scenery takes so much time out of the day with getting anywhere. What does divorce look like financially? Would it make sense for you to move close to friends and family? What does work look like? Can you retrain, study, change careers? None of this is definitive but helps regain control so that you are proactive rather than reactive.

Well I’m in Brighton & my family & friends are in Cheshire.

I want to move back up north to be close to them and my husband seems happy to let us go and will make the commitment to see the kids every other weekend.

ive had a chat with solicitors and I’m entitled to have a house bought out right for me providing there is enough equity in the property.

im just very sad that it’s come to this.

I can’t believe he is happy to throw away 18 years because of two very difficult years under extreme & unusual circumstances and the family we have worked so hard to get.

He has shown his true self. You go back to your family.

Are you sure you want to leave brighton? If your son is in a good school there? With twins in Brighton you could be doing a different baby group every day and make loads of friends. There are special twin groups. You could live somewhere like hove park or fiveways. Very very sociable.

What an absolute waste of space he is. He was happy to have kids but doesn't want to engage in family life or do anything around the house. Let him go and enjoy your children. You will at least have your family and a home.

He's accusing you of bullying him because he was expected to do a minimal amount of parenting? That's awful and he's deflecting his poor behaviour on to you which is awful.

This... !!

He's walked away leaving you with twins and a child with Autism (I have two and know how tough it can be).. that's not on at all. Piss poor quite frankly, blaming you makes him feel better. Put your big girl pants on and get smart quick sharp.

If you haven't done so already, look into portage for your 5yr old. Early intervention is key when dealing with Autism. It saved my sanity.

I think that he is happy for you to move back to cheshire says it all...clears the way for him but don't expect him to be seeing the children every weekend as the drive is horrendous...and bank on him expecting to stay at your house. What a fuckwit you have there. Better rid if that's your marriage in the future

he can’t have them overnight through the week cos he works till gone 7pm and the kids are in bed for 7pm

He could choose to NOT work until 7 some nights so that he could have the children, but he chooses not to.