Almost a week post break up, and I miss him. Tell me it gets better.

[Bagoshite]

I ended it on Monday. There's no going back, rarely do I say never ever about things but in this case it really is (3 years ago he had an affair for months, I managed to forgive him and then on Monday he let slip hes been in contact with her for months. And discussing our relationship. That is unforgiveable in my eyes). So we're done.

I've not felt upset, I've not cried. I'm the crying type usually but I haven't. I cried a lot 3 years ago, I felt so sad and betrayed. This time I'm annoyed but mostly disappointed. I thought better of him.

I do miss him though. My parents died nearly 30 years ago and after that I spent my entire adult life feeling alone. I'm an only child, no other family. I had friends but it's not the same, I never had anyone I felt I could rely on or was truly on my side until I met him. It was like I could finally let out a sigh of relief, that someone actually cared about me. I had plenty of other relationships before him, but none ever made my life easier or better really, all were a drain one way or another. I could be myself with him too, I didn't have to dumb myself down. He liked me just as I am.

It was the first time since my parents died I'd felt like a normal person. Not alone. And now, I'm back to square one. I don't want to rush into another relationship, truth be told the dating business nearly broke me before I met him, I'd all but given up on men when he came along. But when he did I realised what it was like to have a relationship that was a meeting of minds.

And I just worry I'll never have that again. It took me 20 years of dating and relationships to meet him. I'm nearly 50 now, I don't know if I have another 20 years left. I mean I hope so, but who knows?

I just wish he'd valued what we had more rather than throwing all that good away for some ego stroking by text.

So sorry OP, that is really tough. He's let you down and betrayed your trust more than once. Has he moved out or have you? Just give yourself time and space to be and to begin to heal. Be kind to yourself. In time you can make more decisions about longer term issues. He may try and worm his way back. Think about what YOU want. Best wishes to you xx

We didn't live together luckily. I took all my stuff from his when I left on Monday. So that's something.

I doubt he will try to contact me again. We spoke on Weds, I thought he might apologise or even acknowledge my point of view,, it wasn't going to be a reconciliation but I hoped it might be a chance to part ways calmly. Instead he screamed and shouted like a madman. It was horrible. Quite sad to think thats the last conversation we'll probably ever have.

I just feel so lonely. I've told friends we're not together and briefly why, people say oh that's s shame he's a shit and that's end of conversation. And then I'm on my own having a pity party for one. I've slept most of today because I have no energy for anything I just feel flat.

I am so sorry this has happened. I wonder whether feeling somewhat alone in the world, with some justification, is making it worse? I would think so.

I hope his behaviour on Wed confirmed that this breakup was the right thing to do. You deserve better, and that can mean a good life alone. I have friends and a dear relative who have worked to build wonderful lives without a primary romantic relationship. (And you never can tell when one might come along). I know that might sound glib and I apologise.

Yes, it will get easier but when I broke it off with a jerk I was convinced I needed to marry the first three months or so were hard. Six months out I was happier than I had ever been with him. Hugs and best wishes

I’m so sorry.

Break ups are so hard - it’s like grief really, and you will go through stages, sometimes going backwards and forwards, through the same stages again and again.

I’m 4 months on from a hard break up and it’s only now I can get though a day without crying. Some days I’m resolute that it was for the best. Others I just want it all to go back to how it was and I’m almost willing to sacrifice anything to have that. Sometimes I just think I may as well be dead as it isn’t going to get any better, maybe he was as good as it gets and I won’t ever meet anyone else. It’s been a head fuck for sure.

Sorry that’s not awfully inspiring, but just be prepared to be hit by the hard feelings when you’re not expecting them - at the moment the adrenaline of the split is probably keeping you afloat but if it becomes hard for you make sure you come here and talk. Having support from MN has been a life line for me.

Be gentle on yourself, once you’re ready to talk to people in real life you’ll be able to get some support but in the meantime we’re all here for you.

And if it’s your friends that are cutting off the conversations about your split then maybe try counselling? I’d say find better friends but you don’t need the extra work of that at the moment, so use them for light relief and come here or speak to a professional to deal with your feelings

Thank you

People I know have their own lives, they don't really want to discuss my shit at length, I can't keep bending their ear. I could phone him anytime, he was always there. Gosh, actually crying now for the first time. Losing his friendship as well as our relationship is hard. Thing is I couldn't even be just friends with him now.

I do have adult children, I should have said that, I know I'm not totally alone but of course this is not something I can discuss with them. I've not even told them we've split up yet, I don't want them to worry about me.

I know the hard feelings will come in weeks or months time. When we broke up before, we were apart for about 3 months, and then slowly got back together over another 3. I think when I get to 3 months this time, and then 6, it will really hit me.

I don't know what lies ahead and that scares me. I always knew there was someone out there who would was all the things I wanted, I was so sure he existed. And now its like I've had that. And its ended, and what now? Is that it? Was that my turn? 😥

His reaction seems unusual. What was he shouting? Was he blaming you?

He blames me, for him contacting her in the first place (he said I caused this, because I starved him of affection apparently, we've not had sex since Christmas, and I don't pay him enough attention. So when she sent him a message asking how he was, he responded) and that also I should not be objecting to him being in contact with her, because I shouldn't be trying to control who he speaks to, that's abusive behaviour on my part.

Sure its abusive to object to him contacting a woman he previously spent months shagging behind my back!

His reaction was OTT, the shouting was off the scale. The closest I've seen him to this previously was when we split up before, but even then he wasn't anywhere near as angry with me as he was on Weds. This is partly the OW influence, she's a toxic person who loves drama, screaming and shouting. I know she egged him on the previous time. He's an absolute fool to be so easily influenced of course. I think that realisation will dawn eventually when he stops feeling hard done by but the damage has been done.

2 friends were fed up with their partners yesterday, one had buggered off for the whole weekend on a sporting activity leaving her with their kids, and another had gone out and got drunk. My ex doesn't do sport, doesn't drink - I can hear his voice in my head saying 'look at all these other blokes, they're worse than me, I don't do any of that'

Thing is, l'd be far more inclined to put up with the sports or drinking (assuming it wasn't out of control/alcoholism) than with him messaging a woman hes previously had an affair with. Just because he doesn't do the other stuff doesn't suddenly make that OK.

Hello op. I get you. I'm in the middle of a split too, one I thought would last forever. And I also have no family, estranged due to child abuse, so I'm also on my own staring down the barrel at 50.

FWIW I think he's a dick too. Affairs? And turning it round on you? He's swapped you for a not good sounding woman.

At least you don't live together. We've got that to navigate.

The thing is tho, it could just be about resetting our minds. We thought it would last forever. It didn't, and now we are thrust into new territory.

What I know from my past breakups is that there are many positives. And while at the beginning you cannot conceive of a new man, one does tend to come along. And you can have a solid good time in the meantime, living alone, doing what you want to do.

And we can add our experience and learning to it. My problem is that I ignored red flags and they are what ended it in our case. I am really going to study that and learn from it so I don't make the same mistake again.

Is there anything you have learned from this?

But....we have the early days slog to get through first. I'm still crying every day and in shock a bit. Fearful, blaming myself for letting it become so deep while my gut said no.

Having read your updates
i think you’re looking at this relationship through rose tinted specs now to at its over

it sounds like it’s been limping along for many months

Limping along, not really. We'd had a tricky few months with us both struggling a bit with feeling low, we've both had to fully WFH since Covid which has been hard (I know we're not alone in this), hes had some health concerns. Yes things weren't at their best, he'd stopped smoking at well (see health concerns) which had made him more irritable. But day to day we were getting on as well as ever, we don't usually argue and that hadn't changed, but what I'd put down as stopping smoking irritability/ being a bit out of sorts was actually because he was messaging her. The slight change in mood goes back a few months, slightly longer than him stopping smoking.

I don't expect relationships to be all sunshine and rainbows, there are always ups and downs and until Monday I thought that's all it was. Underneath it all as far as I was concerned we were a partnership for life, a team.

I'm not sure I've learned much from it all. Maybe I'll see that in time. I guess I've learned I enjoy being in a good, supportive, relationship which for most of our time together this was. Perhaps I've also learned to trust my instincts more. We had an incident a few years ago where he massively moved goalposts around us living together. When I posted at the time most people took his side. But it didn't sit well with me. That said, a few months after that, things changed unexpectedly and it would have been impossible anyway.

I did give him a second chance after he was unfaithful and I don't regret that. If I hadn't, I would have wondered if it was the right thing, if I'd been too hasty. I didn't want to throw away all that we had and didn't think he did either. Now I see that he put himself before us, again. Of course he thinks its all my fault. But then he would, wouldn't he? Easier to blame me than take responsibility. Thing is, First time round I took responsibility for some/ most of the issues we were then having (not sure they were all down to me, but anyway) but irrespective of those issues, the only one who did the cheating was him, so the fault for that lies squarely with him too.

You hadn’t had sex for 6months. Given obviously important to him, this does not sound like a thriving relationship to me.

How long has you been with him?

Christmas is less than 5 months ago. He isn't particularly bothered about sex, has always said so throughout our relationship, and rarely if ever initiates. So don't think I've been turning him down daily, or even at all.

We'd been together almost 10 years.

You know you have made the correct decision. I really admire your boundaries! Far better to be single now than in 10 years time. But being single really doesn't matter. Loads of people are single now and its an increasing trend even amongst people much younger. The problem is, this man is a liar and he lies about important things, he goes behind your back, he blames you and he shouts at you for objecting to that. Thats not a good person to be with and I suspect part of the reason you feel so lonely right now is that he is doing something to your head that has made you feel anxious, and you don't know what to fill the space with yet. It will come, stay strong and stick to your decision.

I only know a handful of single people, most are in 20+ year relationships, or longer. The single people I do know have either never been in a relationship, or not for decades. I don't really know anyone in my boat.

I have stuff to fill space with, but its all the stuff I grew sick of in 20 years of being single or in shit relationships. It was being together that I loved, having someone to do things with, plan things, spend time together.

I'm doing my garden at the moment and think whats the point? I have no one to show it to, no friends that visit. He obviously won't see it. And he can't help me with all the bits I can't do myself either, so they will never get done, and it all feels so bloody pointless.

Yes. - 5 months nothing to me

But obviously a big deal to him!

He’s behaved like an absolute dick over this. I hope you manage to start feeling angry soon at the way he has deceived you and then had the nerve to turn it all back on you. Keep the image of him shouting at you WHEN HE CAUSED THIS in your head.

Thing is, he can't say he doesn't care about sex, never initiate it, and then turn round after 5 months and say it is a big deal, that I don't care about him (I clearly do) and that it justifies him chatting to the ex OW. A lot of this comes from her, she thinks (from her POV of sex clubs, swinging, and sleeping with 100s of men) that sex is everything, and so long as you're having sex 3 times a day everything is fine. I guess for someone to like her, still living with your parents in your 40s, no proper job or responsibilities in you have different priorities. But he's an absolute mug for letting her influence him in that way.

And tbh, he was still saying in our last conversation that sex isn't important to him!

Although I'm sad about it, I also am angry with him, far more so than when we split previously. All he had to do was not contact her. He needed to speak to someone, he can talk to anyone else. I said to him, he had a girlfriend from his teens, they kept loosely in contact over the years, he went out with her again a couple of times when he first got divorced but it didn't work out and then he met me. If he'd contacted her, even though they had a previous relationship, honestly I wouldn't have been upset. But this woman he'd already betrayed me with once, I couldn't just ignore this. He either knew I wouldn't tolerate it and it would be the end, or he didn't even think about me.

It's exactly like the infidelity. He wanted to do it, so he did. He's had previous addictions, resolved before I met him, all of which revolved around doing stuff covertly and secretively, taking risks - drugs, alcohol, gambling, porn. I guess this is how he gets his kicks now instead.

Thing is, he can't say he doesn't care about sex, never initiate it, and then turn round after 5 months and say it is a big deal, that I don't care about him (I clearly do) and that it justifies him chatting to the ex OW.
You are right, he can’t
but he did
And it is called an “excuse”

My husband's stepmother was widowed when his father died after years looking after him They'd been married for 40 years or so. She was very upset. Her daughter hoped she'd take up water colour painting. A few years later she remarried - she was 77 and the groom was 79. He was a widower and went to the same church and had looked after his wife who had had a stroke quite young. They were zipping off on tropical island holidays, had the engagment party, the big wedding and the pair of them seem to be having a great time. She was all giggly like a teenager dating. Now I'm not saying that you have to wait to be 77 to find the right man but there are good man out there - she found two of them. We're all thrilled that she had found somebody that makes her feel happy again and I'm sure my husband's father would be glad she wasn't sad or lonely.

The fact that he had a history of doing shady things under cover rings alarm bells for me...

It absolutely is/ was an excuse.

Ultimately I think he wanted the thrill, not even of sex, I think that was an excuse, he would have done this inevitably at some point, but because he likes taking risks.

Honestly I thought by late 40s he'd have grown out of this shit. He's never learnt his lesson - he's had convictions as a result of past misdemeanors (it's all minor stuff, he's never been to prison. But we could never have gone to America which was something that I was a bit peeved about. That's something I can do now I guess) so this isn't even the worst thing that's happened to him. Looking at it dispassionately, he'll probably still be taking stupid risks when he's 70. I'm probably well out of it.

My dad led a pretty reckless and hedonistic life for years, but the difference was he stopped all of that once he met my mum, he only did the stuff he did because he had nothing in his life. My ex has had everything, but it wasn't enough. He was married with a family, but wasn't happy. He lost that. Then had me, and still wasn't happy. The more I think about it the more I see how stupid it is.

Being on my own forever and trying to meet someone else are both depressing so I'm trying not to think about the enormity of either for now.

Good plan. I'm doing the same, just getting through today. I'm sorry.
The signs were there. Patterns. It's sad isn't it, the patterns are there, but we still choose to believe the best of them.