I ended it on Monday. There's no going back, rarely do I say never ever about things but in this case it really is (3 years ago he had an affair for months, I managed to forgive him and then on Monday he let slip hes been in contact with her for months. And discussing our relationship. That is unforgiveable in my eyes). So we're done.
I've not felt upset, I've not cried. I'm the crying type usually but I haven't. I cried a lot 3 years ago, I felt so sad and betrayed. This time I'm annoyed but mostly disappointed. I thought better of him.
I do miss him though. My parents died nearly 30 years ago and after that I spent my entire adult life feeling alone. I'm an only child, no other family. I had friends but it's not the same, I never had anyone I felt I could rely on or was truly on my side until I met him. It was like I could finally let out a sigh of relief, that someone actually cared about me. I had plenty of other relationships before him, but none ever made my life easier or better really, all were a drain one way or another. I could be myself with him too, I didn't have to dumb myself down. He liked me just as I am.
It was the first time since my parents died I'd felt like a normal person. Not alone. And now, I'm back to square one. I don't want to rush into another relationship, truth be told the dating business nearly broke me before I met him, I'd all but given up on men when he came along. But when he did I realised what it was like to have a relationship that was a meeting of minds.
And I just worry I'll never have that again. It took me 20 years of dating and relationships to meet him. I'm nearly 50 now, I don't know if I have another 20 years left. I mean I hope so, but who knows?
I just wish he'd valued what we had more rather than throwing all that good away for some ego stroking by text.