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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex married the woman he cheated with

61 replies

Lulu996 · 07/05/2022 13:57

As the title says
Ex DP announced he was leaving me during my pregnancy and I later found out there was someone else and he had been cheating. They got engaged quickly and married last month I am torturing myself but they look so happy in their wedding photos. She knows about me and our young baby and since the wedding he hasn’t bothered to turn up to see our son. I am not usually a bitter person but I feel so resentful, how can he leave me to struggle during my pregnancy and with a newborn and swan off into the sunset. Has anyone been through a similar experience and managed to rebuild their life. He is still on my WhatsApp and he dosent seem to care about what he’s done to me I’ve never had an apology.

OP posts:
ImAvingOops · 07/05/2022 15:40

A man who can abandon a baby and try to weasel out of child support, is a man capable of screwing over anyone, including his new wife. They look happy now but it's only a matter of time before he shows his true colours to her - once the novelty wears off he'll revert to type. Nice men don't abandon their kids and not even offer decent financial support. So he's no prize and you are well rid, hard as it feels right now.
My advice is to take as much money as you can get from him and keep him well away from your child.
And stop looking at his social media - it isn't real and will just torture you needlessly.

Summerholidayorcovidagain · 07/05/2022 15:42

Cms all the way op. Not only will she always know he has your ds but letters from the Cms letters dropping home will be her constant reminder. And his too.
Claim what your dc is entitled to. Whatever he says.

Thepowerofthelook · 07/05/2022 16:14

This happened to me 18 years ago, it gets easier but takes time. My ex went on to have 3 kids with ow and left his job in order not to pay cm. Worst still is he walks past dc rather than say hello /ask how he is.
Try turning things around in your head to 'ex is missing out on x milestone'. I found the first year the hardest because I resented the fact I went into pregnancy thinking I was going to be supported and I wasn't once I got that out of my mind and looked at the practicality of work /childcare /future I settled.
Dc tryed contacting ex in early teens and ex still didn't want anything to do with dc, it actually helped dc draw a line in the sand. I also kept photos of ex to show dc and be able to talk about ex. I was always factual and never said a bad word about him, they realise in their own time who's there for them. Dc is a happy 18 year old now and is content as knows no different.
You can do it. You will be doing it differently to how you anticipated but that doesn't mean it's a bad thing. In 18 years you'll look at dc and be able to say I did that, I raised a good person, I was there for every illness, exam worry, first break up. And what's more is your child will know too.
For now be kind to yourself and take every day as it comes.

intheaviary · 07/05/2022 16:21

agree with PP. Married quickly to a cheat?? It won’t last, and you’ll have the last laugh. Sorry you are going through something so horrible but focus on your lovely little boy. It is completely his loss! What an idiot he is to lose you both.

LaurieFairyCake · 07/05/2022 16:24

Omg TELL EVERYONE

Contact his parents/brothers/sisters and ask if they'd like a relationship with their grandson/nephew

Email her and 'welcome her as his stepmother' and make sure they have him over when he's older so you can do life too

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 07/05/2022 16:29

It does sound as though you were the OW, doesn't it? And now he is panicking that your CMS claim will be visible to her, or anyone... like his boss?

He's a shit. There's little you can do other than know you are best off without him in your life. Keep up the CMS claim and live a happy life with your child.

AlternativePerspective · 07/05/2022 16:36

In fairness I would cut the OW some slack as you were the OW yourself although you say you weren’t sure.

But it’s similar, she sent him things which he explained away, and you contacted her which he likely also will have explained away.

I’m sure you don’t want to be described as morally bankrupt in the same way that she has been described, she could be as innocent as you say you are…

Fuzzyhippo · 07/05/2022 16:40

I hear about this so much, then they end up cheating on the OW and marrying the next one too. So bizarre why they do this, but it's his loss. I've been cheated on many times and they always cheat on the next one, once they start the cycle it never seems to stop

Original poster
Lulu996 · 07/05/2022 16:40

I’m so glad you’ve recovered from your experience and your doing well! x

OP posts:
Nursenomore · 07/05/2022 16:41

Honestly, you’ve had a lucky escape just fleece him for all you can and although it may not seem like it now you will meet a nice person in the future. In the past I’ve worked with loads of doctors and I was shocked how many cheated on their partners too and yes I remember a few whose partners were pregnant or had just given birth. I’ve had to make it clear to a couple myself after a few Xmas staff outings that I would never knowingly disrespect another person by cheating with their partners. I stopped speaking to an Aussie Nurse I worked with cause she was shagging a doctor who she knew had a pregnant wife I just lost respect for her. At least you found out early☀️ Don’t view any of his social media stuff either it’s not healthy.

Original poster
Lulu996 · 07/05/2022 16:43

What an amazing woman you are your children are so lucky to have you.

I’m so sorry you and your children were treated so poorly but no doubt your children are a credit to you!

OP posts:
YayitisfinallySpring · 07/05/2022 16:45

LaurieFairyCake · 07/05/2022 16:24

Omg TELL EVERYONE

Contact his parents/brothers/sisters and ask if they'd like a relationship with their grandson/nephew

Email her and 'welcome her as his stepmother' and make sure they have him over when he's older so you can do life too

This is exactly what I would do! In fact, I did. Me and My DD were a dirty secret and when she was eight months old, I had had enough and told her half siblings. They knew she was my baby, but had no idea that she was their dad's. He had left their mum years earlier. The news spread round his family really fast to mixed reactions. I just wish I had told them sooner. It's not great to be the mother of a secret baby.

orangeisthenewpuce · 07/05/2022 16:46

You'll get over it but I don't blame you for feeling the way you're feeling right now. They are both horrible horrible people. What goes around comes around and they'll get their comeuppance one day. Take one day at a time and focus on your child who is better off without a father like that.

Original poster
Lulu996 · 07/05/2022 16:47

AlternativePerspective · 07/05/2022 16:36

In fairness I would cut the OW some slack as you were the OW yourself although you say you weren’t sure.

But it’s similar, she sent him things which he explained away, and you contacted her which he likely also will have explained away.

I’m sure you don’t want to be described as morally bankrupt in the same way that she has been described, she could be as innocent as you say you are…

I was more than likely the OW I do not blame her and actually reached out to her with good intentions as I wouldn’t want to be married to a cheat myself.

However I had no idea I was else I wouldn’t have touched him with a 10 foot barge pole. 🤮I like to believe that he’s denied my son is his rather than his version of events in that she knows about us both and doesn’t want him to have any contact with his son as I’ll be there breastfeeding. In my eyes that is enabling and makes her just as bad as him.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 07/05/2022 16:49

My cousin's bastard exH left her with a toddler and a preschooler to move in with the OW. They married as soon as the divorce came through. Cousin was absolutely devastated and it took her a few years to recover to the point of being able to be civil. Raising two DC on her own was tough, he was the typical EOW 'Disney Dad' and she didn't get a lot of practical support from him, although he did pay CM with no problems other than occasional bitching about it.

But now, 20+ years later she looks at him and realizes the OW did her a massive favour. She's had a wonderful and peaceful life, owns her home outright and is financially secure due to an inheritance from her parents that he probably would have either blown or tightly 'controlled'. OW on the other hand has had 20 years of dealing with his selfishness and bad temper. Cousin was able to retire early due to that inheritance whilst OW is still working at his 'up and down' business with no retirement in sight.

Don't 'cover' for him with his family and others. You don't need to keep his 'secrets' or respond to his questions and you owe him NOTHING. You live your life in the way you choose to live it and do what is right for YOU and your DS. I know right now it's hard. Just remember that your future is unknown, but will definitely be better than 'right now'.

Original poster
Lulu996 · 07/05/2022 16:50

Also to add he has another son with his ex wife who is 7, she would have found out this week as the cms have sent an updated payments later to both of us saying another claim has been put in.

His entire family live abroad, he’s from a community where his name would be black listed if his behaviour comes to light, hence him sweating over the cms

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 07/05/2022 17:09

Surely his other son knows about your pregnancy/the baby though?

Mumwantingtogetitright · 07/05/2022 17:11

You're better off without him, OP.

She will never be able to trust her husband.

Original poster
Lulu996 · 07/05/2022 17:38

AlternativePerspective · 07/05/2022 17:09

Surely his other son knows about your pregnancy/the baby though?

No he does not sadly, he has a bad relationship with his ex wife and despite asking her to tell her he hasn’t. I feel bad for her too.

OP posts:
GlamorousHeifer · 07/05/2022 18:33

I would tell him to double whatever the cms tell him he has to pay or I would be writing to his family but I'm an arsehole 🙄

Crikeyalmighty · 07/05/2022 19:21

He's a total arse-- but to be frank she's an utter bitch too to shit on a pregnant woman- hope karma catches up with her.

Original poster
Lulu996 · 07/05/2022 19:25

GlamorousHeifer · 07/05/2022 18:33

I would tell him to double whatever the cms tell him he has to pay or I would be writing to his family but I'm an arsehole 🙄

I love that idea 😂

OP posts:
BridgesofMadisonfan · 07/05/2022 20:06

@Lulu996

Sometimes all you can do is try and look at the positive in the situation.

At least you've found this out now. You can make a new happy life without him for you and your son.

TryingNotToReact9to5 · 07/05/2022 20:17

Incredibly painful right now, but the others are right, the trash took itself out there. She has married a real prince there.

sandgrown · 07/05/2022 20:32

If he has a bad relationship with his ex wife there is every possibility she will tell his family anyway. If he has two children he should be paying a decent amount if maintenance which won’t please the new wife !

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