Have you ever been attracted to someone but not dated them because you felt you could do better looks-wise?

[Anonanonon]

Just that really. Obviously we shouldn't date anyone we don't fancy - but has there ever been anyone who you felt an undeniable attraction or chemistry with but didn't go there because you felt you wanted to hold out for someone who was more aesthetically your "type"?

Hmm I think if there was a spark and chemistry there then that would be the equivalent of good looks to me.

I do remember ignoring chemist with one lad because I had had a mad crush on his old for years. And the crush...Well he was rather wooden tbh lol. Yet I was obviously choosing the crush more than the guy i had actual chemistry with. But...they were both good looking lads so I guess that's not quite the same thing.

But the point is...don't fixate on one thing at the expense of losing something that could be great.

*on his friend

I've certainly never done this but I've experienced it from the other side.

I've had a couple of guys enthusiastically hook up with me, gush over how amazing my body is, then basically say "but I could never go out with someone like you cos my friends would laugh at me for dating a fatty" 😒

First time I was speechless. Second time I said "wow, sorry to hear your friends are shallow pricks. But it doesn't really matter as I don't date men who aren't good enough in bed" 😂😂😂

No!! If you have a spark with someone, what else is it you're hoping for? Someone more 'textbook' good looking who would impress other people?? I have found, again and again, that how attracted I feel to someone is very much affected by their character. I dated textbook model-looks guy when I was a young adult. He turned out to be a cheating arse and in all honesty, when I recall him now he isn't remotely attractive to me. Conversely, an 'average' looking person who laughs a lot and is interesting and interested in life becomes better and better looking.

So if I had a choice between 'spark' guy and 'great looks on paper' guy then I'd choose the former.

No.
What matters to me is the inside, not the outside.
I don't mean that in a creepy serial killer way. 😁 but looks are a very trivial thing and change over time and sometimes in an instant eg injury. If you have chemistry with someone, grab that chance.

Yes. Theres only been one guy like that and he was 15 years older than me. I never normally find much older men attractive but he was. It was like a freaking lightning bolt between us but I admit I was reticent to date him due to the age difference and the fact that we were at completely different life stages. I often wonder if I made a mistake.

Nope. I don't fancy people unless I have a connection with them. It all sounds rather shallow imo but I'm aware I'm in the minority on this. Op are you worried what other people would think?

No that would be incredibly shallow tbh

you could do better looks-wise

I think a certain type of man has this anxiety. They think that women won't date them because they're not quite 'up to standard' and look for assurances that they are right in thinking that all women are looks obsessed.

'could do better looks-wise' is pretty different in tone and context though to 'hold out for someone who was more aesthetically your "type"?'

People generally want someone they're physically attracted to, but a lot of women here will tell you it all starts with personality and the physical attraction follows. I'd say physical attraction is more important to men than to women, broadly speaking.

No. If I found someone attractive and there was a spark, it wouldn’t occur to wait for someone ‘better’. Surely if you find them attractive then they are your ‘type’? It literally means ‘the type of person I find attractive’.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation "but I could never go out with someone like you cos my friends would laugh at me for dating a fatty"

That's AWFUL.Fucking hell :(

This topic was covered in Frasier when Roz started dating a garbage man. He was hot.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. They don’t need to be classically good looking but there has to be something you find deeply attractive. My partner has shoulders like coat hangers, snake hips, hands like shovels, and a deep Scottish voice. That’s what works for me 😁

I thought my future husband would be more of an athletic type & into sport (not just watching it but doing it:)) gym/fitness like me and will have a fit body & stomach (like mine).

He is fit enough & good enough for me in all the other areas of married life. We go for walks together :). He used to go to the gym before he met me. Then he said he wasn't motivated anymore.

No

I suspect that holding out for someone better looking despite attraction is something men tend to do as IMO they value looks in a partner more than women do, very generally speaking. This is more so if the man has history of dating gorgeous exes who also had nice personalities.

Not sure if it counts but I had/ have ridiculous sexual chemistry with a man who is actually naturally fairly handsome- tall, broad, my type. He is also kind and smart. However what puts me off is his presentation and hygiene. I don't mean he isn't the most stylish dresser, I mean he wears random combinations of worn out garments and actually smells sometimes. It definitely isn't poverty and I don't think depression. I can't fathom it but yes, I suppose that aspect of his appearance has put me off.

More the person I like might be! It was a general question out of interest but, yes, inspired by someone I’ve known for a few years. We’re both divorced, no big age gap, similar life stages (both single parents of similar age kids). In the last year or so we’ve got chatting fairly frequently and become friends and it feels there’s a definite connection. However, she’s very much someone who’s quite attractive and aware of it - not in a smug way, more she just knows it in a matter of fact way, and makes a point of always looking stylish (not in an over the top way). When she first divorced she started following a few guys on Instagram who looked like Love Island contestants and they were giving her likes and comments back. One was even a high earning surgeon! In contrast, I’m much more nerdy looking! So it just feels daft to think she would date me when she could easily get someone with similar chemistry but more like those Instagram guys, who I’m guessing are her type because of her following them.

Just to add: when I first met her, her looks actually put me off as I’ve usually always gone for more nerdy people myself! It’s only since getting to know her - admiring how she’s had to do so much bringing up her kids and run a small business on her own, her sense of humour and the fact it feels so easy in her company - that I’ve had to look at the idea I might be judging her superficially myself.

No, if it works it works. I’ve dated some truly beautiful men I have found thoroughly boring and far more enjoyed less attractive people I have felt a spark with.

Oh OP there are two separate things going on here. Your good-looking friend could probably have scooped an instagram-accessory boyfriend by now if she wanted one. But that doesn’t tell you much about whether or not she’d be more interested in you.

I’m good-looking in a matter of fact way (nicely put) and absolutely not bothered about ‘handsome’ but major differences in aesthetic taste and self-presentation do put me off. This is because I express myself through my appearance and I worry that wouldn’t be noticed or valued by someone who wears old sportswear out. Try complimenting her on the way she presents herself and see what she does :)

much prefer the guys that laugh the knickers off me Tbf …

You are assuming that she thinks of looks the same way as you do. In my esteem, men tend to prioritize looks more than women do in a long term partner. I think you should not bother dating because you said her looks put you off (initially, but still.. first impressions count!) and you suspect she could do better physically. Too much insecurity for this to take off successfully.

You are basically asking whether she could fancy you even though you believe she is out of your league (sorry to be blunt) in an asthetic way.

We cannot possibly know what importance she places on what she finds attractive. As someone said before beauty is in the eye of the beholder and is made up of many things, some very obvious things, atractiveness, health, dress sense, personality etc and the subconcious traits such as smell and taste.

You clearly like this woman but she may think you are just clearly in the friend zone, but you talk of this undeniable attraction, is that coming from you, her or both ?

I tend to agree with those who have said that men are more concerned with looks and most likely to do this . I also think a lot of them have delusions and entitlement issues about how the women they date should look …
never done it myself