Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner in contact with ex

35 replies

callyscake · 07/05/2022 09:47

My partner of two years is unwell at the moment. He's in hospital facing an upsetting diagnosis.
For context, he is in what could be called mind altering drugs.
I've just found out that he has contacted his ex partner of years.
They ended badly nearly four years and had no contact since.
The contact was casual and polite and he tell her that he was in a relationship.
They left it at that and there has been no contact since. This was a week ago.
He hasn't told me that he's been in contact with her and there is absolutely no interest on her part.
I feel sick to my stomach after hearing this, literally minutes ago.
I know his ex partner and we get in well. She is not a trouble maker and knows I appreciate straight talking.
Why do I feel like this apart from the fact that he knows I wouldn't like it
For context , I have major trust issues that I've been working through and we are very happy together and plan for the future.
Thanks. This is my first ever post .

OP posts:
Original poster
callyscake · 07/05/2022 10:02

Anyone ?
Please. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
RitaFaircloughsWig · 07/05/2022 10:06

His ex partner has told you this?

What do you mean by "For context, he is in what could be called mind altering drugs."?

Original poster
callyscake · 07/05/2022 10:10

Yes she told me and was adamant that it was closure. Nothing inappropriate or untoward. He told her about us .
I wondered that because he was on such high doses of a specific drug which made him high and behave strangely , would that have been a part of it .

OP posts:
katieg03 · 07/05/2022 10:11

How do you know this? If you know her too are you in the same friendship circle? I'm not sure what kind of drugs you mean either? What's the reason for your trust issues? Has he been unfaithful before?

Original poster
callyscake · 07/05/2022 10:14

Thanks@RitaFaircloughsWig and@katieg03 . No he's never been unfaithful . It's me who has the issues from my unfaithful husband. It's taken me so long to trust myself or anyone again.

I didn't like that he had female friends from on line dates that didn't work out or old exes on social media. I told him this and he Un friended them straight away. That's the type of thrust issues that I have

OP posts:
RitaFaircloughsWig · 07/05/2022 10:16

callyscake · 07/05/2022 10:10

Yes she told me and was adamant that it was closure. Nothing inappropriate or untoward. He told her about us .
I wondered that because he was on such high doses of a specific drug which made him high and behave strangely , would that have been a part of it .

My Uncle called me in the middle of the night to tell me the nurses were trying to kill him. These things happen. Do you know the nature of what he said to her? On drugs and thinking you may be dying can make people do certain things if only to apologise eg.

RitaFaircloughsWig · 07/05/2022 10:16

callyscake · 07/05/2022 10:14

Thanks@RitaFaircloughsWig and@katieg03 . No he's never been unfaithful . It's me who has the issues from my unfaithful husband. It's taken me so long to trust myself or anyone again.

I didn't like that he had female friends from on line dates that didn't work out or old exes on social media. I told him this and he Un friended them straight away. That's the type of thrust issues that I have

Sounds like he respects your wishes then.

Original poster
callyscake · 07/05/2022 10:19

It was general chit chat about being unwell and in hospital. The drugs he was on made him loud, strange and high. He was confused and disorientated also . Hallucinations and nightmares
She feels it was closure amd making things right. Only for he told he about us I would be devastated .
Am I completely over reacting?

OP posts:
TedMullins · 07/05/2022 10:26

Yes you are completely overreacting and it’s really unreasonable and controlling to police who he has on social media. Your previous experiences and trust issues are not his fault or responsibility, but it sounds like he acquiesced to your demands anyway.

It doesn’t sound like he’s ever actually done anything to merit this level of suspicion. I don’t think it’s odd or unreasonable of him to think an ex might want to know of a serious illness - even if they ended badly and haven’t had any contact since, they were important to each other at one point.

RitaFaircloughsWig · 07/05/2022 10:30

callyscake · 07/05/2022 10:19

It was general chit chat about being unwell and in hospital. The drugs he was on made him loud, strange and high. He was confused and disorientated also . Hallucinations and nightmares
She feels it was closure amd making things right. Only for he told he about us I would be devastated .
Am I completely over reacting?

Yes I think so. I am wondering a bit though why the ex partner felt she had to tell you this.

bumpertobumper · 07/05/2022 10:31

Yes, you are overreacting. Find a way to work through your insecurities. Living like this can't be nice for you or him.

ThatLibraryMiss · 07/05/2022 10:31

Am I completely over reacting?

Sounds like it, yes.

He's in hospital, bored, time to mull things over, drugged up, contacts her to tell her how he is including that he's in a relationship... what's the problem? The only bit I don't understand is that you know his ex partner and get on well. How come she didn't already know about you and him?

Original poster
callyscake · 07/05/2022 10:47

We know each other through work .
Thanks for the reassurance

OP posts:
Original poster
callyscake · 07/05/2022 10:51

She does know about us but didn't want
To be sneaky if he ever brought it up that they were in contact, as we do get
On quite well.
She's very happy in her relationship.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 07/05/2022 11:05

Its all fine op. Nothing to worry about from what you've told us. And you know we mumsnetters would be the first to say if his behaviour wasn't OK.

Original poster
callyscake · 07/05/2022 11:14

Well I have looked at the relationships board for a long time tbh and I do love the honesty! Thank@Pinkbonbon
I got so overwhelmed, I started shaking mad my throat dried up completely and I couldn't talk myself

OP posts:
Original poster
callyscake · 07/05/2022 12:59

He doesnnt know that we're friendly .

OP posts:
RitaFaircloughsWig · 07/05/2022 15:26

callyscake · 07/05/2022 12:59

He doesnnt know that we're friendly .

Well that's a bit weird ...

Original poster
callyscake · 07/05/2022 15:31

They ended badly and both of them
To this day that the other was in the wrong.
Do you think her telling me was a kind thing to do .. for the reasons she said ... that she worried that I would
Consider a sneak If he told
Me.
Or was it not?

OP posts:
Original poster
callyscake · 07/05/2022 15:49

I should have tagged you in that @RitaFaircloughsWig . Thanks

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/05/2022 16:25

Tbh I think it's more disloyal of you to be secret friends with his ex than it is for him to send her a message including the fact he's with you.

You have trust issues yet you're keeping it from your partner that you have communication with his ex?

You have secret communication with his ex but are annoyed he has done the same once?

I'm confused as to how you think you're the wronged party here.

Let alone the fact the poor guy is really unwell!

Name99 · 07/05/2022 16:36

Yeah I also think it's really weird your secret friends with his ex, I would not be happy if my partner was friendly with my ex completely unknown to me

Original poster
callyscake · 07/05/2022 16:45

Yes I know it's wrong and we've had little
Contact lately , only for her to tell me this.
It had all died down prior to this .

OP posts:
Mintchocicechip · 07/05/2022 16:46

My recent ex was forever in touch with his ex and it wrecked us. They were playing games in my opinion. Still had emotions because my ex never wanted her to leave him. He got caught out talking to other women more than once and his ex had enough. She says he cheated. He claims he didn't. But he did admit to meeting another woman straight after for sex. He triangulated them both for ages then he moved out. He has been on and off talking to her and I respected it until she called me a sarky name and he'd tell me she'd be jealous or watching our facebooks.

The thing is it's ok if there's no unresolved feelings. It's ok if they are both fully over the idea of a relationship reunion. It's ok if love and stuff has stopped. That they don't care intimately for the other. If it's just a friendship and you all know eachother it's ok. Perhaps he's just scared and thinking of his life. His past. His memories. Although I fully get you. I have hated my now exes ex. In my eyes she ruined us. But actually he ruined us. Go with your gut. If you don't like it talk to him and tell him truthfully what bothered you.

What are your worried about?
She meant more?
Her relationship with him was more important to him?
There's still feelings?
Ask him and be honest. Talking is the only way a relationship can work. In my case he wasn't willing to grow up and change.

Good luck (nobody likes an ex lurking)

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/05/2022 16:48

callyscake · 07/05/2022 16:45

Yes I know it's wrong and we've had little
Contact lately , only for her to tell me this.
It had all died down prior to this .

Why?

Why were you secretly in touch with his ex?

Can you see how hypocritical and bizarre it is to feel betrayed by him for doing the same thing, when he actually had a previous relationship with her and he mentioned you so not like he was trying it on?

I've had serious illnesses that have caused me to reflect and reach out to people to gain closure / make amends or share memories.

He's facing a serious and emotional diagnosis you say.

Maybe focus more on how he might be feeling and less on feeling annoyed he's done something you've only found out because you've been doing the same thing...

Swipe left for the next trending thread