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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Controlling behaviour, nagging and manipulative

34 replies

TheMostAnnoyin · 07/05/2022 09:06

Can I please have some opinions as I’m feeling a bit confused ?

I have been accused of being all of the above. Especially the nagging.
the reasons for this are life admin/ household tasks/ discussing important issues.

DP eyes glaze over whenever I talk about anything like this and I’m told all admin paperwork applications or things like insurance and pensions are down to me and I have to do even his- if I try to discuss any aspects I get told in nagging controlling and manipulative and how all should be expected to do is go to work and have a clear mind and to relax the rest of the time .

Im really hurt because I’m just talking and trying to sort out things that need doing ? But no it’s nagging 😞

OP posts:
Everyoneishappier · 07/05/2022 09:10

Nope not ok. Being shut down like that is simple bullying.

Beetlewings · 07/05/2022 09:11

Do yours, let him do his own. You're not his mum

KangarooKenny · 07/05/2022 09:11

Wow, I’d say it’s emotional abuse.

Clymene · 07/05/2022 09:12

Well you're married to a pig.

Everyoneishappier · 07/05/2022 09:12

Do you work outside the home OP ? Why does your head not require the same uncluttered existence that his does. ?

Original poster
TheMostAnnoyin · 07/05/2022 09:12

Everyoneishappier · 07/05/2022 09:10

Nope not ok. Being shut down like that is simple bullying.

That’s how it feels. I’m trying so hard and if I have to do all this stuff sometimes I need to run through aspects of it but I’m expecting too much apparently? Then if i persist I get called all of the above.

OP posts:
50ShadesOfCatholic · 07/05/2022 09:14

He sounds like a gigantic cock.

How can you live with someone so rude and disrespectful?

The name calling and put downs are abusive behaviour.

I think I’d be focused on getting my own financial affairs into order and leaving him to his mess.

Original poster
TheMostAnnoyin · 07/05/2022 09:14

Everyoneishappier · 07/05/2022 09:12

Do you work outside the home OP ? Why does your head not require the same uncluttered existence that his does. ?

I’m even up in the night sometimes as I suddenly remember something I need to do so I’m not even getting full sleep ! But he doesn’t realise

OP posts:
Original poster
TheMostAnnoyin · 07/05/2022 09:16

50ShadesOfCatholic · 07/05/2022 09:14

He sounds like a gigantic cock.

How can you live with someone so rude and disrespectful?

The name calling and put downs are abusive behaviour.

I think I’d be focused on getting my own financial affairs into order and leaving him to his mess.

It’s the nagging comment - seems the most ‘mild’ of the 3 but it’s the most frequent.
i can literally be asking the most important question and get told I’m nagging over and over
I’ve just had enough of it

OP posts:
Mix56 · 07/05/2022 09:16

Egg shells = walk with away

Mix56 · 07/05/2022 09:17

Walk away, sorry

newbiename · 07/05/2022 09:25

Leave him. Let him sort his own life out. What a prick.

Original poster
TheMostAnnoyin · 07/05/2022 09:26

50ShadesOfCatholic · 07/05/2022 09:14

He sounds like a gigantic cock.

How can you live with someone so rude and disrespectful?

The name calling and put downs are abusive behaviour.

I think I’d be focused on getting my own financial affairs into order and leaving him to his mess.

If I’m honest it’s been quite odd in that of things are going his way and we are having a calmer time (basically less admin etc ) then it’s all ok and I think I’ve mistaken that for things being ok when it’s basically just been that it’s not car insurance renewal time/ loads of school admin / other work or forms

but lately it’s been hectic and I’ve seen the pattern clearly. I’m expected to do it all but resented if I speak about it ?? If that makes sense ?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheMostAnnoyin · 07/05/2022 09:30

I feel a bit stupid even but ironically I’m so busy that I’d hadn’t seen it for what it really is ?

in any case I’ve had enough. Talking about important joint issues and things that affect us equally isn’t nagging and I’m sick of being his free PA

OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 07/05/2022 09:34

You know what I'd do about his pension?
Divorce him and get a sharing order and let him fuck off into the Admin Sunset with his own filing cabinet as his lover.
Fuck guys like this. I was married to one of them for years.
I didn't marry in order to become anyone's PA or manager, especially to a lazy asshole.
And neither did you, OP. When conversations in your marriage feel like tense talks next to the staff kitchen's water cooler, it's time to rethink the life you want. It's not fun living with men like this.

ConfusedByDesign · 07/05/2022 09:35

Let him know that you're no longer his PA or his mother.
We'd all love a life where we get paid to do our job then have a nice easy restful time outside that. Life's not like that and you don't burden someone else excessively just so you can achieve that.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 07/05/2022 09:44

On the other hand, given that he does not want to be bothered about such trivialities as pension, insurances and so on, make those decisions yourself and ensure they are in your favour so that when you divorce him (inevitable), you are all organised.

TheVanguardSix · 07/05/2022 09:46

ConfusedByDesign · 07/05/2022 09:35

Let him know that you're no longer his PA or his mother.
We'd all love a life where we get paid to do our job then have a nice easy restful time outside that. Life's not like that and you don't burden someone else excessively just so you can achieve that.

This is so well said and succinctly wraps up what your husband wants, OP.
Mine was like this.
Home = 100% rest and relaxation. He could come home from work at 4pm sometimes and I'd still be up at 11pm, bleary-eyed and managing our his shit, putting out admin fires. Work got ALL of him. The rest of life? Forget it. He didn't have to manage that. 🙄

It's a mug's game and I don't know how smart women like us end up walking right into this way of life... just complying. That's for another thread.

Clymene · 07/05/2022 09:46

TheVanguardSix · 07/05/2022 09:34

You know what I'd do about his pension?
Divorce him and get a sharing order and let him fuck off into the Admin Sunset with his own filing cabinet as his lover.
Fuck guys like this. I was married to one of them for years.
I didn't marry in order to become anyone's PA or manager, especially to a lazy asshole.
And neither did you, OP. When conversations in your marriage feel like tense talks next to the staff kitchen's water cooler, it's time to rethink the life you want. It's not fun living with men like this.

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Fireflygal · 07/05/2022 09:51

Op, are you married? Do you work?

If NO to both those answers then you'll need to plan an exit. This man won't charge. He is telling you that it's your responsibility and it isn't a partnership.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/05/2022 09:55

What the Vanguard Six wrote in its entirety.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships here; they are learning that men are King (and who died and made this man King?) whilst women are subservient to their whims and or otherwise do everything else. Its no legacy to leave these young people.

If you're married to him I would seek legal advice asap re divorce. If you are unmarried I would start untangling your life with him all the same.

lisavanderpumpscloset · 07/05/2022 09:59

I'm a bit confused. What is the reasoning behind all of it falling to you? Do you work outside of the home?

AlisonDonut · 07/05/2022 10:01

Stop nagging then and spent your time preparing to split. What is the house and job situation?

billy1966 · 07/05/2022 10:05

He sounds like a nasty bully, who name calls to shut you down.

Is this really the life you want?

Original poster
TheMostAnnoyin · 07/05/2022 10:11

billy1966 · 07/05/2022 10:05

He sounds like a nasty bully, who name calls to shut you down.

Is this really the life you want?

No, it’s not

I don’t work at the moment I’m a sahm

OP posts: