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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out

63 replies

anne2650 · 07/05/2022 06:52

I can't quite believe I'm writing this but just found out that DH has been having an affair. We've been together for 30 years. It's been going on for about a month apparently and I've been sent a screen shot of a message he sent to her. They've been using Signal app and sending photos of themselves. He's been around mostly so I think this has been more of an online thing. We have two teenagers. I feel numb.

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 07/05/2022 06:56

I am so sorry op.

KangarooKenny · 07/05/2022 06:58

Have you spoken to him yet ?

Hiya Wishy · 07/05/2022 07:18

Who sent you the screenshot?
I am sorry OP, that must be incredibly hard to deal with 😔 Have you approached him yet?

Sexnotgender · 07/05/2022 07:19

I’m so sorry. Who sent you the message?

wakeupandshakeup · 07/05/2022 08:02

Who sent the screenshot? Can that person give you anymore information? Be prepared for your H to lie his way out of this.. I speak from experience. I'm sorry you are going through this, but remain calm and get the facts straight.

Original poster
anne2650 · 07/05/2022 09:22

Thanks for the replies. The screenshot was sent by the partner of the woman DH has been messaging. I wasn't going to say anything just yet but he knew I'd found out so spoke to me. Of course, he's tried to explain it all away. She was going through a hard time, he was just a shoulder to lean on etc etc. The comment on the screenshot was not meant that way etc etc. He shouldn't have been so caring and guilible.. I love you, you're the only one, not done anything wrong. On and on it went...

OP posts:
ExMachinaDeus · 07/05/2022 09:41

Read through a few threads here to find “The Script” that these cheating men make up. It’s standard.

Tell him to get out of the house so you can think about what you want to do next. The pain is awful, so try to be kind to yourself.

Also - this is not your fault. Flowers

ExMachinaDeus · 07/05/2022 09:43

Google The Chump Lady for good strategies.

chosenone · 07/05/2022 09:44

Think carefully about your next step. Give yourself time to process this and assess what you think. A silly mistake? A well planned and well executed secret? A one off? Then think about what you want to do. Can you forgive? Look after yourself

layladomino · 07/05/2022 09:46

Don't let him downplay it. Of course that's what he'll try to do as it's his only chance of getting away with it.

But he did it. He chose to get emotionally entangled with another woman. While ever he's downplaying it he isn't being honest. I agree with pp you should ask him to leave the house and give you space while you think what to do next, and that you don't know how long you'll need. It's the very least he can do. If he won't even do that for you then ....

Original poster
anne2650 · 07/05/2022 10:14

I think he's tried to log into my FB account to see the messages from ow's partner. He wanted me to block them. I don't know what to think or feel right now. He's apologised profusely and says nothing will happen again.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 07/05/2022 10:24

Sorry he's doing this to you.

If it were me, I'd be telling him to leave for a few days while I get my head straight. I'd find it very difficult to process and plan while he's still around trying to manipulate my thoughts.

RitaFaircloughsWig · 07/05/2022 10:29

At 30 years it is a real kick in the teeth. Part of the problem is that you may feel so tied to him because of the length of time and so fearful of a future without him that you accept all of this . Face it - if the H hadn't told you you may never have found out until much later. In my and other friends' experience they all do this - beg to stay. It is their first reaction on discovery. They promise to cease contact etc but then often find this impossible to stick to. The marriage is never the same again and in my situation broke down after about another 3 hideous years. Think carefully about what you want to do. There's many a happy woman out there setting out on a new life again after that length of marriage. You never know you might meet someone who will make you really happy!

Moodycow78 · 07/05/2022 10:36

I'm so sorry, you need to ask him to leave so you can really think about this (and do some planning). He's already trying to manipulate you and mess with your head, he's 100% full of shit and you need to get yourself away from him so he can't mess with your head anymore. Stop talking to him for the moment, don't let him minimise it, you can't trust him. Get him out, have a cup of tea and a bath, try to relax, call your mum/sister/best friend. You can make it through this xxx

AtillatheHun · 07/05/2022 10:37

You do know he wants you to block the partner because he knows there’s far more to tell? I’m sorry, but having been through similar, what he admits to now will be the tip of the iceberg.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/05/2022 10:39

Ouch, that’s awful. I’m so sorry.

Olsi109 · 07/05/2022 10:43

AtillatheHun · 07/05/2022 10:37

You do know he wants you to block the partner because he knows there’s far more to tell? I’m sorry, but having been through similar, what he admits to now will be the tip of the iceberg.

I agree with this. There's a reason he's trying to log on and block this person.

I would ask him to leave for a few days so you can think clearly without him trying to get in to your head/trying to carry on as nothing has happened. The things he's said to you are manipulating, not done anything wrong? I'm sure if this was you doing it he'd think differently. Also OP, I know this isn't a great thought but is this the first time? Or is just the first time he's been caught?

Double3xposure · 07/05/2022 10:45

Why would you block the OWs partner when he is the one telling you the truth ? Persoally I’d want to meet with him to get as much information as possible.

I would also be telling your husband to move out on a temporary basis, to give you/time to work out what you want to do. If you think he will try to manipulate you with sob stories then don’t talk to him on the phone or by text. Tell him you will only read emails.

That will give you space to start to come to terms with the shock and collect information ( about the affair and also legal and financial advice ) .

notapizzaeater · 07/05/2022 10:50

There's no way I'd be blocking - he doesn't want you to know all of it, just his edited version.

Pinkpigs · 07/05/2022 10:58

It's a hard one and i hope you're ok if nothing happened or nothing was happening why keep it from you I'm so sorry for you but I'd be showing him the door end of

lisavanderpumpscloset · 07/05/2022 11:02

anne2650 · 07/05/2022 10:14

I think he's tried to log into my FB account to see the messages from ow's partner. He wanted me to block them. I don't know what to think or feel right now. He's apologised profusely and says nothing will happen again.

Don't delete or block anyone and keep him away from your phone / social media.

Ask him to disappear for the day / weekend to give you time to think it over.

Even if you already know what you want, asking him to leave for a bit will put the fear into him and rightly so

picklemewalnuts · 07/05/2022 11:07

I'm so past this sort of thing now. I'd rather be on my own at this point in my life.

What have you got to look forward to, with him? An ever increasing care burden, most likely.

Sorry, I know that's a bit jaundiced, but I've seen friend after friend end up caring for their husbands as they get older- initially just the ongoing larger share of housework, but that seems to grow and the husband's contribution and motivation shrinks, until they are essentially carers. That's one thing when you've had a happy marriage where he's pulled his weight, another when he's been dallying elsewhere and treated you as a housekeeper.

KangarooKenny · 07/05/2022 11:14

It’s a tough one, if you stay together you will never trust him again, and spend the rest of your marriage looking for signs. He’s really fucked up for a cheap thrill.

LowlandLucky · 07/05/2022 11:26

Anne I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Please take time to work through this and please remember this is about what you want and need not what your idiot of a Husband wants. If he was so sympathetic about her going through a hard time ask him how the hell he feels about the shit he is putting you through. Please be kind to yourself and don't be rushed into saying or doing anything.Flowers

Original poster
anne2650 · 07/05/2022 13:54

Thanks all. It really helps to read your posts.
I went shopping with DD but felt a twist in my stomach the whole time. Had another conversation with him. He's upset that I'm still upset and feels terrible 🙄 He thinks because it was nothing physical, it's not a big deal.
He's not done anything like this before - that I'm aware of. I thought I knew him and we've been so happy as a couple. I obviously don't know him as well as I thought.

OP posts:
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