Just found out

[anne2650]

I can't quite believe I'm writing this but just found out that DH has been having an affair. We've been together for 30 years. It's been going on for about a month apparently and I've been sent a screen shot of a message he sent to her. They've been using Signal app and sending photos of themselves. He's been around mostly so I think this has been more of an online thing. We have two teenagers. I feel numb.

Sorry OP. But he's only sorry because he's been caught.

Ask him to leave. Today. Even if only temporarily to give you some room to think.

So sorry op.

the previous posters are right though. What he is admitting to will be the bare minimum and there will be far more. There obviously is for him to try and block ow partner.

can you contact him to get all the information he has?

Oh so you have to switch off your emotions and move on as your DH says it was a mistake and nothing physical happened.

how dare he be annoyed that your upset. He is a disgrace and I would be asking him to leave for a few nights until you process this. His feelings are not relevant

I would be inclined to meet up with the guy who sent a message and see what's really going on.

Im sorry OP. Ive been through this more than once sadly. You need some time apart and if I were you I'd try to arrange to meet up with the partner of OW to find out the other side of the story. There's clearly more than he wants you know. Im sorry x

So he claims they never did anything? I wonder what her husbands version of events is! No wonder he's trying to block him.. be careful and change your password to be on the safe side. As hard as it is you need more information from that man, you most definitely won't get the full version from your own H that's for sure. I was told a very watered down version 4 years ago by my own H.. I was so scared to be alone and tried to hold it all together.. 4 months on I got contacted by OW which told me all about his double life and I was blindsided. I'll never forget that shock feeling, I promise you there is much more to this. He's playing it down and hoping it will pass, next week he'll be brushing it under the carpet and tell you that you need to get over it. If there is somewhere he can go ask him to leave! That's set out a clear indication that your not taking this lightly and won't be fooled. Sending virus hugs your way. xx

*virtual hugs!!! 🤦‍♀️

Do you believe it was never more then messaging? I wouldn't be so convinced. What sort of messages were they sending if he thinks he can blow them off as him 'being too caring'.

God 30 years what a kick I can't imagine how you are feeling

Please ask him to leave and give you some time to figure out what it is you want to do. As pp has said you will never trust him again so ask yourself do you want a life always wondering if he is doing it again xx

I wonder how far it would have gone if they’d not been found out 🤔

Gosh what a shock.
He doesn't even sound remorseful, just trying to deflect blame.
Hope your ok

I'm so very sad and completely numb inside. I have my DM here and am trying to act like there's nothing wrong. I don't know what to do.

I have my DM here and am trying to act like there's nothing wrong. I don't know what to do.

Why are you acting like everything is OK? Be honest. Your DM might have some good advice.

Get it out in the open and make it real. With real consequences. You've done nothing wrong here and you have nothing to be ashamed of. If people (as in your DM) think less of him, that's entirely of his own making.

I can't yet. I'm not strong enough.

I can understand you wanting to hold it to yourself a bit longer while you try and process what's happened.

It's your choice. It also takes strength to keep it from her.

You will want to decide whether you want her to know. You may find her support helpful, you may find it oppressive. It depends on your mum, and on what you want the future to look like.

Horrendous, I'm so sorry Anne.

Of course you're numb at the moment, especially after such a long partnership but soon enough the anger will come.

He's not remorseful enough, that's the minimising, trying to get you to believe he has not been physical with her. He's fronting at the moment, why should he be 'that' sorry when he's trying to make out he didn't go too far.

All the rubbish game that you will be drawn into, but you have proof (a word betrayers like to brandish about, if you have none other than your instinct.

Make a coffee date with this woman's husband and find out the truth, it will be easier than listening to his crap and maybe his pining for her even though he will say she meant nothing. You will become angry.

You have a potential ally, with this woman's husband, use him, you could also find out if he could end up being trouble for your husband, my h picked the wrong woman to befriend, although he was not a big man, he was an influencial one who sent heavies round.

Maybe he's messed with the wrong man.

I honestly think some men really don't get that many of us don't care if it's 'just' texting or 'just' secretive chats and coffees - emotional affairs can be just as devastating as if they were shagging the other person and it was 'just' about sex. I actually found the emotional deception and sneaking round and secretive texting worse than I would have found a ONS .

Please don't hide his awful behaviour.. I did that, told no one in real life, it ate me away day by day. I really wouldn't advise it.! I've since been open and honest and it's made me feel so much better. Speak to your DM she may surprise you with her advice!

@Crikeyalmighty

I agree and the consequenses should be equally as harsh.

So sorry op

Do nothing in a rush.
Sharing it with your mum might not be for the best just yet. Give it time to distil what you want to share.
If it’s possible to get him out of the house for a while, I think you will find it helpful.
Make an arrangement to see the other woman’s husband. Doing so might help to clarify your thoughts & put lots of 2 and 2’s together.
After such along time together you might just get through this but as someone else has pointed out, as he ages & needs you more & more to take care of him, can you do that without resentment?
We’re all here for you. Keep us posted.
💐

I’m sorry you had to go through this but don’t let him bullshit you, even if he says it was a emotional affair they would have done the deed anyway sooner or later .
you need time to get yourself together and decide what to do next.💐

@anne2650

Anne, be wary of telling your Mum. Nearest & dearest often want things fixed/made better & will encourage you to 'make up' & brush it off. They're not the most objective people.

sadly I agree with the others, brace yourself because this is the tip of a particularly hideous iceberg.

Of course he wants you to block the OW's partner, god forbid should someone tell you the truth.

As for trying to get into your account to block people - that alone would have him being told to get out.

sunken cost... beware if this. Just because you've been together 30 years, it doesn't mean you have to stay together.

when my Ex cheated on me, I wish I'd just told him to go, but it was before I found MN so I didn't, I spent two years trying to forgive & forget.

one night he said 'I just want to put this all to bed' and I saw red and told him
uf he hadn't put her to bed we wouldn't be in this mess and that I was DONE with trying to make OUR relationship work, when HE was the one who fucked up.

It hasn't all been sunshine & roses since, but it's a LOT better than living with someone who is able & willing to break your heart like that AND there have been lots of good times too.

Eat, drink & take your time!

Sadly lots of us here know how you feel x

Why not tell her mother?

I wish I hadn't kept things quiet on so many occasions looking back.

I would tell him that you need time to process and that he needs to get out of the house for the time being. He needs to know that you are serious and that this is not going to be brushed under the carpet. If he argues, tell him he is not in the position to argue or demand anything right now and if he doesn't do as you ask the. That will tell you all you need to know about his lack of reflect for you. He's fucked up. You need time to think.