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Original poster

Clares law

34 replies

Kiivmum · 06/05/2022 12:49

Hi all.

Just wanting a bit of advice really. I was with my ex partner 15 years (abusive relationship) and he left me for someone he met at work. I was glad and said he could stay on my sofa until he got himself money for his own house. Anyway a few months past he was lodging on the sofa and seeing this woman from work and I decided to get myself out there and met the most lovely supportive man I could ever ask to meet. Ex didn't like this beat me up so I rang the police and he's now got to stay away from me and the kids and is at court in a few months. I have got increasingly closer and I'm now in a relationship with the man I met. He's amazing with the kids and always looks after me. I did a clares law check and have just got a phonecall saying the police want to speak to me. He's already told me he used to fight a lot and has been arrested before for it. Social services are involved with me anyway due to DV from past relationship and they have said they are coming out again today so I'm really scared about what has shown up. I know abusers are good at hiding things but he's so open and honest and nice. Would they disclose his fighting to me? And if it was just fghting from his past and i stayed with him would the social put me down as a bad mum? Obviously if it is anything to do with women or kids ill leave straight away but if it qas just a fight in a pub i really dont think me or the kids are at risk. I'm certain he's never been abusive or violent to women or kids. I have to go to the police station Monday I'm terrified.

OP posts:
PumpkinsandKittens · 06/05/2022 13:00

I would say they’ve obviously found something if they want to come and visit you with ss as well? How long have you known this man? Sounds like it’s moved very quick?

Iflyaway · 06/05/2022 13:04

if it qas just a fight in a pub i really dont think me or the kids are at risk.

How do you know?? If he's had fights in the pub (FFS!), he could have fights anywhere, including you and your family.

The fact that the police contacted you after requesting a Clare's Law enquiry I would see as a big red flag!

Furrbabymama87 · 06/05/2022 13:05

I thought they only disclosed information regarding domestic violence, so fighting in a pub wouldn't be the type of thing they'd tell you. I might be wrong though. I'd see what they have to tell you and then end it, otherwise you're back to square one, back with an abusive man. You deserve better.

Original poster
Kiivmum · 06/05/2022 13:05

PumpkinsandKittens · 06/05/2022 13:00

I would say they’ve obviously found something if they want to come and visit you with ss as well? How long have you known this man? Sounds like it’s moved very quick?

It's not with SS they were involved anyway due to the dv I'm not sure I'd it's just a check up today but I've known him since we were kids 30 years or so but we was never close before. We have been together about 10 weeks I requested the disclosure about 8 weeks a go

OP posts:
RevengeOrNot · 06/05/2022 13:05

They wouldn’t be coming to see you if he was fighting other men in the past.

It looks like something has come up that they deem serious enough to visit with SS.

Please be safe OP, when are they coming?

Original poster
Kiivmum · 06/05/2022 13:08

RevengeOrNot · 06/05/2022 13:05

They wouldn’t be coming to see you if he was fighting other men in the past.

It looks like something has come up that they deem serious enough to visit with SS.

Please be safe OP, when are they coming?

Sorry my post may be confusing. Ss were already involved due to DV I had a call yesterday from the social worker saying we need to see the kids again in a certain time frame (they know they are safe with me) the concerns are their father. But then today I got a call from safeguarding at the council wanting to book me in on Monday at a police station due to the disclosure so whether the social worker knows about it I don't know. She knows I did the check

OP posts:
cherrymax · 06/05/2022 13:08

Furrbabymama87 · 06/05/2022 13:05

I thought they only disclosed information regarding domestic violence, so fighting in a pub wouldn't be the type of thing they'd tell you. I might be wrong though. I'd see what they have to tell you and then end it, otherwise you're back to square one, back with an abusive man. You deserve better.

Not necessarily, it varies. I've known them disclose other criminal activity if it's like to put the family at risk or expose them to violence.

OP, you need to be VERY careful here. If the police and social services disclose something that is concerning, you need to take their advice.

You have to show that you can safeguard your children and protect them from harm. Exposing them to another potentially abusive partner is showing that you might prioritise romantic relationships over them.

Well done for doing the disclosure request, I think it's really important and positive that you did.

BlimBosh · 06/05/2022 13:13

Doesn't look good OP.

Opentooffers · 06/05/2022 13:29

You've been with him 10 weeks and he's already 'great with your kids'. There is no way that he should of even met your kids yet! If he was bona fide, he would know himself that it is way too soon for that. Instead he is getting his feet under the carpet at a super fast rate. Consider that there is something very wrong with that. Any port in a storm, do not cling onto this rock, as a way of getting over your ex. After trauma, you should take time to heal on your own, jumping into this is the wrong thing.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 06/05/2022 13:35

They will ONLY disclose relevant information so it will be something relating to DV, violence or sexual risk to you or children.
this one isn't your Prince.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 06/05/2022 13:36

We have been together about 10 weeks

why is he in contact with your children?

JennyForeigner · 06/05/2022 13:41

I have given professional advice to women in this situation who thought it couldn't really be important or didn't listen properly to the disclosure and attendant safeguarding actions. They thought they could maintain contact when SS clearly indicated this could put children at risk.

Please do not repeat their mistakes. Listen and take very seriously anything you are told because it will be the very minimum that is disclosable.

Time on your own is ok. Please consider it.

angieloumc · 06/05/2022 13:43

'Just' a fight in a pub!
Ten years ago my son had his jaw broken and had to have a steel plate put in it from a man in a pub who thought it was 'just' ok to attack him for no reason other than he was in his way.

OrlandointheWilderness · 06/05/2022 13:46

I think it shows well in your favour that you have done a search, but tbh I think there is obviously something serious on there. Please be objective about this, it is there for a reason.

ComtesseDeSpair · 06/05/2022 13:48

I think SS involvement is the best thing for you and your DC to be honest, you desperately need support and guidance with your boundaries and what appropriate relationships look like. You’ve just gotten out of one relationship with a violent man to which your DC were exposed, a few short months later you’ve introduced them to a strange man you’ve barely known two months, who has already told you himself that he is violent (and that this didn’t prompt you to run a mile in the first place is worrying) and who the police also want to pay you a visit over.

A man who gets into fights with strangers is not a good man or a good potential partner or model for your DC. End this relationship, accept whatever support SS can offer, focus on yourself and your DC, get some therapy and learn how to make better choices when it comes to your relationships and what’s best for your DC.

Goldybear · 06/05/2022 13:51

Why on earth would he have had any contact with your kids after 10 weeks of dating? Havent they been through enough without introducing them to a man you are only seeing for a few weeks. Sorry OP I think this was a HUGE lapse in judgment.

lunar1 · 06/05/2022 13:53

You need to ask social services for support and absolutely must do some work on maintaining your children's safety.

A man you have been dating for 10 weeks shouldn't be anywhere near your children or their home.

Asking to see you in person regarding the disclosure isn't a good sign at all.

AlternativePerspective · 06/05/2022 13:57

In fairness to the OP she said she’s known him for years but that they’e only just started seeing each other.

When it’s a friend you know i I think it’s easier to think it’s ok to introduce them to the kids sooner iyswim.

But OP, this man is violent. It doesn’t matter what kind of violence it’s something that will show up on a Clare’s law request.

I wouldn’t even bother to find out what it is, get rid.

HardRockOwl · 06/05/2022 14:04

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CPL593H · 06/05/2022 14:07

Op, while you did the right thing in getting a Clare's Law check done (did your social worker suggest it?) moving straight from a violent, abusive long term partner to this guy was not great judgement, even if he was a total angel (and it doesn't sound as if he is) Was your ex your kids father? How old are they?

He really, really shouldn't have met your kids yet and I think the "known him since we were kids, 30 years" thing is a red herring. You have no idea what he is like in a relationship or whether it may become long term and your kids shouldn't be involved while you find out.

AlternativePerspective · 06/05/2022 14:08

Some of the comments here are uncalled for.

OP has been in an abusive relationship which has ended. She has then started a relationship with someone who according to her she has known for many years.

She has done a Clare’s law check to see if there is anything in his past which she should know about. Reality is that most women never bother to do that. And now that the police have got back to her she is understandably in shock, because finding out that someone you know is violent to the extent the police has been involved will be a shock.

And people are accusing her of not taking care of her children’s wellbeing and that SS should be involved?

There’s no need for that.

cultkid · 06/05/2022 14:13

You're so brave to have made that request and to end a relationship also with an abusive partner

I don't think him meeting the kids is awful after ten weeks. It depends what capacity he has been introduced in I guess.

It's easy for other posters who have thankfully never been in your position to pass judgement on the whole "just ten weeks" time frame

Anyway, whatever comes of today you know that you can move forwards and do the right thing for your children and yourself too.

Lots of love x

Blessmyears · 06/05/2022 14:16

I also don't think it's likely it's 'just' the pub fights, which apart from anything else means he hasn't been honest with you and that's enough in itself to warrant ending this relationship.

And then there's the SS issue, you should be running a mile without a backward glance at the first sniff of anything that might jeopardise you keeping your DC. It doesn't matter how 'perfect' he appears he is not worth the risk of losing them if SS believe he's a danger, even if you're sure they're wrong. You are already on their radar because it's your responsibility to make sure they're never around another abusive man, any sign that you're not protecting them and you risk losing them and no man is worth that.

SophSoSo · 06/05/2022 14:19

Massive well done for requesting a disclosure under Clare’s Law.

I hope Monday goes ok for you x

ComtesseDeSpair · 06/05/2022 14:53

AlternativePerspective · 06/05/2022 14:08

Some of the comments here are uncalled for.

OP has been in an abusive relationship which has ended. She has then started a relationship with someone who according to her she has known for many years.

She has done a Clare’s law check to see if there is anything in his past which she should know about. Reality is that most women never bother to do that. And now that the police have got back to her she is understandably in shock, because finding out that someone you know is violent to the extent the police has been involved will be a shock.

And people are accusing her of not taking care of her children’s wellbeing and that SS should be involved?

There’s no need for that.

If a new boyfriend casually told me that he was always getting into fights with strangers when he goes out, I’d bin him immediately. I wouldn’t hang around to carry out a Clare’s Law check, the fact that he was violent full stop would be a dealbreaker. And I don’t have a history of abusive relationships or any DC to prioritise. OP is not making a good choice with this boyfriend and she’s not prioritising her DC. Social services don’t exist just to remove children from their parents, they can also support parents to be better parents and learn how to recognise what a potentially dangerous situation looks like, and that’s what it’s clear OP needs. It isn’t “uncalled for” to say so.