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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Clares law

34 replies

Kiivmum · 06/05/2022 12:49

Hi all.

Just wanting a bit of advice really. I was with my ex partner 15 years (abusive relationship) and he left me for someone he met at work. I was glad and said he could stay on my sofa until he got himself money for his own house. Anyway a few months past he was lodging on the sofa and seeing this woman from work and I decided to get myself out there and met the most lovely supportive man I could ever ask to meet. Ex didn't like this beat me up so I rang the police and he's now got to stay away from me and the kids and is at court in a few months. I have got increasingly closer and I'm now in a relationship with the man I met. He's amazing with the kids and always looks after me. I did a clares law check and have just got a phonecall saying the police want to speak to me. He's already told me he used to fight a lot and has been arrested before for it. Social services are involved with me anyway due to DV from past relationship and they have said they are coming out again today so I'm really scared about what has shown up. I know abusers are good at hiding things but he's so open and honest and nice. Would they disclose his fighting to me? And if it was just fghting from his past and i stayed with him would the social put me down as a bad mum? Obviously if it is anything to do with women or kids ill leave straight away but if it qas just a fight in a pub i really dont think me or the kids are at risk. I'm certain he's never been abusive or violent to women or kids. I have to go to the police station Monday I'm terrified.

OP posts:
KillSwitch · 06/05/2022 15:42

Hi OP, I've got some experience with Clare's Law through my work and it is unlikely that the meeting on Monday will be for a disclosure. The process involves making an application, as you have done, and then a decision will be made as to whether or not to progress with the application. For example, someone who has been on one date with someone and there is nothing to suggest that person may be violent could make an application but it would be unlikely to be progressed. However in your instance you've already been a victim of abuse which unfortunately can put you at risk of being a further victim. Equally, you're with a male who has already admitted a violent past, albeit "just pub fights". This would warrant further investigation so the first step would be to confirm your identity. Unless you have already done that, then that's what should be happening on Monday.

Once your ID is confirmed and they are happy that you are who you say you are and that you are the person that would require the disclosure (because other people can do it on your behalf but they wouldn't be entitled to any information) then a risk assessment is completed, including looking his history. This will not have been completed yet. Once this is done, it is referred to a multi agency forum and only then is a decision made to disclose or not.

Regardless of what the meeting is for on Monday, whether its just for confirming ID or not, please don't think this is me saying "oh it'll be fine!" This man has already told you he is violent. I have seen the phrase "when someone tells you who they are, believe them" so many times and in the last two years have learnt that lesson the hard way. Consider whether a violent man is someone you want in your life, and your children's lives.

I've attached the Clare's Law workflow from Home Office guidance, hopefully my post explains it a bit more.

Clares law
Tincat · 06/05/2022 16:19

You were right to make the request.

They want to see you face to face to disclose information they feel you need to hear to make an informed decision going forward, they do not want to disclose that near him in your family home for a reason. They also want to offer the follow up after care that may be required.

You have done the right thing and should be proud of yourself. Take the professional advice they offer and follow up - keep in touch with social work. Do not tell any of the Men in your life at the moment about going to the station on Monday.

Part of Clares law disclosure includes not telling others what they have told you except professionals - so be prepared for that.

I know this all because I used Clares Law a couple of years ago on a guy who I had just met - I could not put my finger on it but he gave me the creeps and it was very early in dating. I contacted the Police and a disclosure was made.

Tincat · 06/05/2022 16:21

It works differently in different areas of the country - so stick to where you are based X

Pollydonia · 06/05/2022 17:48

OP, as kindly as possible, please do the Freedom Programme.

DogsAndGin · 06/05/2022 17:58

Jesus Christ. You know how to pick em! Three violent men?! I think you need to stay away from men for a very long time and focus on you and your kids.

StillWeRise · 06/05/2022 18:12

the only thing I'd add to this OP is that abusive men have a knack for finding women who have previously been in abusive relationships- did he know this about you, or did you tell him? Remember also that abusers can disguise themselves very well, after all no one would start a relationship with someone who was abusive from the start. More likely they are amazing and wonderful (with the kids too) until the point where it would be hard to get rid of them.

Tincat · 06/05/2022 18:40

DogsAndGin · 06/05/2022 17:58

Jesus Christ. You know how to pick em! Three violent men?! I think you need to stay away from men for a very long time and focus on you and your kids.

Not helpful in the slightest for OP. Abusive men are around and pick their targets carefully.

SophSoSo · 06/05/2022 22:13

DogsAndGin · 06/05/2022 17:58

Jesus Christ. You know how to pick em! Three violent men?! I think you need to stay away from men for a very long time and focus on you and your kids.

Stop fucking victim blaming! What a vile thing to say.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/05/2022 01:20

The fact you're 10 weeks in and he's even met your kids let alone got a 'great' relationship with them and is 'amazing' with the kids is huge, HUGE cause for concern when it comes to your boundaries and judgment.

It would be in any circumstances let alone when you have previously been in an abusive relationship requiring police involvement.

You're making a massive mistake involving him this intensely in your life this quickly. Not even due to whether he may or may not be an abuser, but simply because he is someone you've dated for 10 weeks.

This is madness.

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