Dating ‘going to therapy’

[Lovechildp]

Have any of you guys ever expierenced this?

in the most recent few months dating - MANY of the Men I have went out with 1-3 times (very early) have told me very early on they go to therapy.

1. First date - told me he had been going to therapy for a year due to processing his last break up. Asked me if I went to therapy too - I said No.
2. Second date - told me he had therapy as he was sexually abused as a child.
3. Second date - told me he used therapy and psychic mediums to optimise his work
4. First date - went to therapy past four years to deal with childhood issues with his father and historical sexually abuse within his family. None of his family speak currently speak to him and say he is ‘delusional’.

Now, nothing more ever happened with any of these guys. But. It seems like many of them are telling me, a stranger, on a first date exceptionally personal information. I have used therapy before and I do not think even my sisters knew. My close friends have used it and not told me for years after. Not that there is anything wrong or to be ashamed of using therapy whatsoever.

Is this some sort of new trend? Or some sort of dating advice these guys get? I just seem to think it is strange I never used to encounter this and then to have so many, so close together - and to divulge so quickly.

they also never mention the pandemic being the issue - as it appears some of them used therapy before this.

part of me does feel single men in their 30s using dating apps tend towards being odd anyway - and perhaps it is a ‘shit test’ to see how much drama one is willing to put up with (also assessing needs for a free therapist). Anyway - it is a huge turn off. Anyone else expierenced this?

That's interesting! Some of the profiles I've seen on OLD have mentioned that they are in therapy. I think some are just generally upfront about it. I'm in therapy and I mentioned it briefly on my 2nd date with someone but only in passing and it was relevant to the topic we were chatting about (psychology).

I think it's good if they have self awareness but if someone is in therapy to process their past relationship then perhaps they aren't ready to be dating yet.

Nothing wrong with therapy but the cynic in me feels the information was disclosed to make you feel a kind a way about them, that probably wasn’t warranted.

They do not mention it in passing - it seems to be part of their ‘sell’

Nope. Many others socially have expierenced it recently too. My picker would be broken if I continued relationships with Men who had red flags beyond a few dates. Its impossible to tell what someone will be like until you meet them face to face from a dating app.

This is my instinct too - as they have this expectant look in their eyes. When I entirely normalise therapy and explain I think many people should access it - is seems the glitter leaves them. I think they want a huge song and dance / sympathy vote. Whereas I shrug and say cool - much to their dismay.

Some men think they are dating but they are actually recruiting for a carer or support person. Run away from these men! I'm glad you have spotted the red flags trailing behind them.

I don’t find someone being in therapy a turn off at all - the opposite, in fact. It shows they have self awareness, a willingness to confront difficult truths and hopefully change for the better (although someone still in therapy for their past relationship is probably not a good dating prospect).

I recently finished therapy because I feel in a great place, but I had it for three years. I’m very open about it. I’d say 80% of my immediate social circle are either having or have had therapy and we talk very openly about it, share therapy anecdotes in our group chat. It’s a wholly good thing that the stigma has reduced to the point people feel comfortable to do this.

I strongly believe everyone should have therapy, even if you think you don’t need it. It isn’t just for trauma, it helps you get to know yourself better. Of course that’s not realistic because that kind of therapy would have to be paid for which is not possible for many, but I do believe it is beneficial and transformative, perhaps especially for people who feel resistant to it.

This is what I feel - and when you do not immediately take on that affect you have failed the test massively.

Honestly two weekends ago date number 4) - went on a one hour monologue about issues relating to past traumas, relationships, family issues and disclosed the above. He left knowing nothing about me. He seemed disappointed when I felt uncomfortable disclosing my own traumas and that I did not currently engage in therapy.

Ah ok, this is slightly different. If they’re doing it as a tactic to try and reel you in and sympathy-fish you into bed, that’s classic softboi behaviour - using it as a ‘woe is me, please shag me better, but I’m a broken human and won’t be able to treat you with any modicum of respect’. An entirely different beast to people comfortable with therapy and willing to talk openly about it.

I 100% agree with this sentiment.

I just find personally I feel uncomfortable with sharing this so early on with someone - maybe my own issues? And I am reading too much into it?

Perhaps it is much more socially acceptable now than when I dated years ago and I have to challenge my own bias here.

Yikes! Yeah some definitely make it up as part of their personality don't they. It just sounds like such hard work! Totally agree with you and think it's really good that you expressed how therapy should be normalised etc.

Yes he was a bit like eeyore - The donkey from winnie the pooh.

Agree, there is an increase in this. Suddenly everyone’s “in therapy” to address some sort of past misdemeanour with an ex, or childhood issues. I blame Russell Brand and that cult of “hip young males” dealing with their earlier dickishness. It often carries a version of Buddhism alongside it.

I work in this field and I’ve also noticed an increase in men trying to use me as free therapy. I wonder if it also goes alongside a new type of industry, though.I guess lockdown made people bored & they took up online reiki/hypnotherapy/introduction/coaching courses. Suddenly, everyone’s a therapist!

I work in this field too.

When I discuss a bit of Alder’s principles with the’ the glitter really does leave their eyes. They all seem to love the Freudian ‘I am a victim of my circumstances’ and that is the reason I am fuckboi, player, inability to commit or respect woman ad nauseum…

I'm in a similar field and have had similar experiences - I think they try to latch on to you!

Also lol @ the Eeyore comment.

It's such a shame as therapy should be normalised but unfortunately some people, as evidenced above, utilise it in a way that isn't healthy at all. The guy on OLD who had it in his profile immediately asked me really deep questions and whilst I do enjoy those conversations, I won't have them with anyone and certainly not with someone I've just matched with.

This is what I mean. I could also talk about why I used therapy in the past (to get myself out of a romantic engagement where he had turned out to be abusive) but why in the name of God would I share that with a man I had spent 4 hours with? When my colleagues / social circle who I have know for decades do not know that?

I feel there has to be a link with Narcissism or something - they are looking for an ‘in’ or a chance for you both to be ‘in therapy’ and therefore on the same page. When you have healthy boundaries in not sharing information with a stranger and a secure attachment style - it is a big sign to them to move onto the next victim

I am also a yoga teacher and I think that makes me even more susceptible to the spirtual fuckboi types.

I met one around Christmas last year who was into ‘angel numbers’ - a man in his late 30s who played rugby. He wished to start a therapy service for divorced men in their 30s who had felt the need to cheat on their wives towards the end of the marriage. There had to be a reason other than them just being idiots obviously. (Third date)

I purposely texted him at 11.11 to finish with him just for effect.

💅🏻

In itself I don't think there's anything wrong with saying you're in therapy, as there's no shame in it.

It just depends why they're telling you. Is it because they want to show they're not a caveman and are in touch with themselves or is it to garner sympathy?

Only you can answer that one OP

'Some men think they are dating but they are actually recruiting for a carer or support person.'

God, this is SO TRUE!

I hear you OP. I'm a big fan of therapy, and spent several years in therapy myself, but it's very personal information. I think you're right that they are using it as some kind of 'poor me, I'm so very special' badge, and they're disappointed when you're not impressed. I would run a mile from anyone who had this in their dating profile or brought it up on the first few dates - shows very dodgy boundaries

I think we are heading more towards a US culture around therapy (as we do with many things) and it’s more openly spoken about which is all good (I’m a therapist).

But therapy aside, I think it’s a really bad idea to go into your sob stories on a first date. It could attract the wrong sort of dynamic.

they seem to encourage the people on the show ‘first dates’ to do it, a bit like the old X factor compulsory sob story. I think it’s really irresponsible of them!

My instinct from the ones I have met is to project something to me. It is not genuine.

‘I have been a dick but I am in therapy’ - type

I agree - and I think they are trying to garner if your boundaries are equally as dodgy and see it as a red light to STOP entertaining you being their next narcissistic supply when you are very non chalant about it.

‘Thats cool - who do you go to?’

instead of ‘Oh my god you poor thing, I cannot believe that awful ex of yours traumatised you so much into needing this - what an awful person, I will bend myself into a pretzel to be anything and everything you want me to be and put up with anything and your lack of anything from this relationship as I would never ever want you to feel the same way again’.

These men pick their victims, I am sure of it.

I never knew that! I really did wonder if it was a dating strategy honestly and this makes sense! Because it seems to be so common! Maybe that is where they are getting it from.

'I never knew that! I really did wonder if it was a dating strategy honestly and this makes sense!'

Jeez. I haven't been on a date for 17 years so I'm well out of the loop, but I thought that topics for a first date would be hobbies, interests, what sort of food you like, what you've seen on telly recently, and maybe a bit of vague stuff about family ( number of siblings, kids if you have them)