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Original poster

Friends met without me

30 replies

whitebunnies · 05/05/2022 19:15

There was a disagreement in our friendship group last summer. A month ago I messaged everyone about going for a meal to get things back on track. One person said they were busy and we will all meet soon. I got a message last week to ask to go for a meal but it was too short notice as I had booked a hotel for bank holiday. I messaged one of our friends yesterday and he said they all met for a meal without me. Is it unreasonable of me to think they could have waited for us all to go? We all waited for the one guy to be able to come but the same was not returnee. It's like someone is still playing games not wanting everyone to be friends.

OP posts:
Buzzer3555 · 05/05/2022 19:22

It really depends on how big the group is. To be fair you were asked and couldn't make it so I wouldn't take it as a deliberate act to leave you out

TonySmart · 05/05/2022 19:27

YABU. You were invited but were unable to attend.

I hate when 1 person thinks everyone should rearrange around them.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/05/2022 19:30

It takes forever to get a date that a lot of people can do. It probably wasn’t malicious.

We all waited for the one guy to be able to come

Which event was this for?

Original poster
whitebunnies · 05/05/2022 19:30

@TonySmart We all waited for the one person who couldn't attend but they wont do the same for me. I won't fall for that again.

OP posts:
AverageJoan · 05/05/2022 19:30

How old are you all?
YABU, you can still do something all together (or as many people as possible) another time

Norwolf · 05/05/2022 19:30

Childish

Honaloulou · 05/05/2022 19:32

You would sort of have a point if they hadn't invited you, but they did ask you and you can't make it! For most groups of friends, finding a date which everyone can do takes weeks of planning.

You're being ridiculous.

MarJau26 · 05/05/2022 19:33

I think yabu as it was a bank holiday weekend and perfect time to meet up with friends.

Firelogbridge · 05/05/2022 19:36

You're being ridiculous. I wouldn't expect my friends to not go out because I couldn't make it, especially if I was away enjoying myself anyway. Because they did it before is irrelevant.

AskingforaBaskin · 05/05/2022 19:37

So does them meeting now mean you are forever banished and may never join again?

Or have they gone out now and you can join the next time?

You can't expect people to pause their lives for you

ErickBroch · 05/05/2022 19:40

Personally, I hate it when trying to organise something and if 1 person can't come then everyone says 'let's leave it then'. Nobody is ever free at the same time in a big group! I would let it go, reschedule.

Original poster
whitebunnies · 05/05/2022 19:42

Thanks for all your input. I think next time I won't wait for someone who can't make it as we should not put our lives on hold.

OP posts:
A580Hojas · 05/05/2022 19:44

ErickBroch · 05/05/2022 19:40

Personally, I hate it when trying to organise something and if 1 person can't come then everyone says 'let's leave it then'. Nobody is ever free at the same time in a big group! I would let it go, reschedule.

Exactly. You can wait forever. Fix a date, those who can come come, those who can't don't have a tantrum about it.

IncompleteSenten · 05/05/2022 19:45

Who suggested you all wait for this other person?

Original poster
whitebunnies · 05/05/2022 19:48

IncompleteSenten · 05/05/2022 19:45

Who suggested you all wait for this other person?

It was the person who could not make it.

OP posts:
Dahliasandtea · 05/05/2022 19:55

I think I understand from your post that you thought you should wait for everyone to be free to come to this first meeting after a disagreement. and you obviously expected them to wait for you as you feel you all waited for this other guy. Thing is, perhaps no one else thought that?.
the reason I would say YABU is because you unless you said outright ‘i can’t come this time guys, sorry, can we please all wait til we all free to meet up’ then you can’t expect anyone to know that’s what you expect.

how old are you all? I can’t remember ever being upset that my friends went out when I wasn’t able to make it. But I might have been more concerned when I was younger than I am now. When you get to your 40s you realise that life is too short to get upset about this . Did they have fun? Great. Has the air cleared in the group? Fab. Will I see them soon? Can’t wait.

Original poster
whitebunnies · 05/05/2022 20:12

@Dahliasandtea I don't know why but whenever someone arranges a group meet they send messages to individuals, it's like they have to have control and keep it all separate while we wait for the organiser to feedback. Other friendship groups I have we all have WhatsApp groups to arrange meet ups so we can all see when we are free etc.

OP posts:
Oblomov22 · 05/05/2022 20:23

YABU. You were invited for meal bank holiday. You couldn't go. End of.

TonySmart · 05/05/2022 20:47

Who was the disagreement between?

DatingDinosaur · 05/05/2022 20:53

You were asked if you was able to come along but you couldn’t.

I don’t see anything wrong with them sticking with the date/time/place agreed and going without you. It can be like herding cats trying to find an available date/time that’s good for everyone 😀

At least they asked you/told you about it.

If they were being mean they’d have said nothing to you and gone anyway.

Is it possible you’re still feeling a bit sensitive about the previous fall-out?

AskingforaBaskin · 05/05/2022 20:55

whitebunnies · 05/05/2022 19:42

Thanks for all your input. I think next time I won't wait for someone who can't make it as we should not put our lives on hold.

You can do whatever you want
The group makes the decision. So you can go out. Whether or not they will wait Is not a decision you alone can make

Dacquoise · 05/05/2022 21:29

whitebunnies · 05/05/2022 20:12

@Dahliasandtea I don't know why but whenever someone arranges a group meet they send messages to individuals, it's like they have to have control and keep it all separate while we wait for the organiser to feedback. Other friendship groups I have we all have WhatsApp groups to arrange meet ups so we can all see when we are free etc.

That doesn't sound like a healthy dynamic. Is there a hierarchy controlled by certain people? The only way to not get sucked in is to step away and let them get on with it.

Dahliasandtea · 05/05/2022 21:50

Dacquoise · 05/05/2022 21:29

That doesn't sound like a healthy dynamic. Is there a hierarchy controlled by certain people? The only way to not get sucked in is to step away and let them get on with it.

Show quote history

So set up a WhatsApp group for that group of people and then set the precedent by inviting everyone out for a meal out in the open. You can’t stop people having conversations privately or indeed leaving you out, but if you want something to be a certain way you have to try to make it that way. You can’t get upset if people don’t know innately what you want to happen.

Notonthestairs · 05/05/2022 22:09

So a group dinner was delayed at the request of Friend A.

A further date suggested by Friend A and this time you couldn't make it.

You assumed that because Friend A would look for another date as they had done previously. Friend A arranged the dinner anyway.

I'd take that as a hint Friend A believes they are more important to the group dynamic then you - are they? Or maybe the others pressed for it to go ahead? Did you suggest alternative dates?

Set up a group WhatsApp group - it's much quicker and easier to use anyway. People will obviously still message amongst themselves.

LimeSegment · 05/05/2022 22:18

I think the difference is that it sounds like your suggestion was just that, a suggestion, whereas the friends meet up was something he already planned. I think an organised event "let's all meet at x restaurant on y day next weekend, it's perfect as it's a bank holiday" is more likely to go ahead even if a few people can't make it. "Should we all meet up soon guys? " is maybe more likely to get people fussing around with dates etc.