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Original poster

What is too much?

30 replies

Holl90 · 05/05/2022 10:19

So my DH and I seem to have quite a good relationship, however, my mum made a comment the other day that he is always out! My best friend said similar too. He plays sport twice a week (this is when me and kids are in bed) yes he is definitely doing that as I have turned up to watch him a few times, he helps with bed time and then leaves. I read a book or what TV, have a long bath etc and quite enjoy the time to myself.

This month he is away for 2 weekends, a stag do and a wedding. I’m invited to the wedding but we can’t get sitters and I don’t really know them anyway. I’m happy for him to go and I am away with the girls for one night this month too, he does allow me the free time!

when I hear people say ‘they don’t do that sort of thing’…what sort of thing do they mean? Dancing? Having fun? Am I wrong? Should we be glued to each other? I don’t know what the right way is?

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 05/05/2022 10:25

There is no one formula for how a relationship/family works.

Original poster
Holl90 · 05/05/2022 10:32

I think I just want to understand what people mean when they say ‘we do not do that kind of thing?’

OP posts:
ColdApril · 05/05/2022 10:36

For me I'd miss my husband if our life was like that.

He's out at work 8-6 then by the time dinner is done and DC bathed and in bed we only really have 2 hours together but are both pretty wiped out so just sit and watch tv etc.

If he was gone extra in the evenings and at weekends I'd just really miss him. I love his company and want to spend time with him and for us to all have time together as a family.

He was away 2 weekends back for a night away with friends. And myself for a day last weekend. But we both commented this morning how happy we are to not have any plans this weekend so we can all be together.

If it works for you then great, but in my opinion we're apart enough as it is so of course we each have time with friends etc but we also love to spend downtime with each other and DC.

IsDaveThere · 05/05/2022 10:38

I guess that they mean they don't go out without each other very often.

I have nothing against coples going out separately but tbh, I have to agree with your mum and BF that your DH does seem to be out rather a lot.

Ignoring the two nights mid-week, if he has a stag do, a wedding and 2 weekends away this month, when does he see you and his kids for family stuff/days out?

altmember · 05/05/2022 10:39

I think it's good and healthy for partners to have time to do their own thing - sports, hobbies, friendship groups etc. I've lost a few friends to 'smothering' relationships over the years, where the two of them become joined at the hip and can't do anything apart from each other.

Just how much time apart depends on you as a couple - I mean, if you never do anything together then that would seem a bit odd.

Triffid1 · 05/05/2022 10:40

This does seem like a lot. Having said that, if you are both happy with it and you feel like you get plenty of time to do your own thing, then really it's not a problem. My only concern would be whether the DC feel like he's not around for them?

Original poster
Holl90 · 05/05/2022 10:41

@ColdApril he rarely goes out to be honest at the weekend. I will miss him, but a night away once or twice a year is not too much is it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Holl90 · 05/05/2022 10:44

Sorry I worded that wrong, he is at a stag do and a wedding, not away for the other 2 weekends! He will go out maybe once a month usually or once every 2 months?

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 05/05/2022 10:45

So all these weekends are a once off? In which case, of course it's fine. DH has accepted extra work the last few weekends (to help out people by taking their shifts rather than because we're desperate for the money) and is out all day Sunday as well attending an event. It would be too much if he was doing that constantly, but he doesn't usually work 3 Saturdays in a row and then go off on a jolly so it's fine. He was asked to do a shift on monday but said no as we both felt he would have barely been around and it wasn't fair on me or the DC.

TedMullins · 05/05/2022 10:46

I think that sounds fine and healthy! It’s not just like it’s your husband going away and not you, you’re also getting time for yourself and your friends so it seems fair. I’m sure he doesn’t have a wedding and a stag do every month! Personally I’d feel smothered to do everything with a partner especially if I lived with them, time apart is essential to keeping the relationship alive. It honestly sounds a bit pathetic imo for someone to say they’d miss their husband if he went away got a couple of weekends!

Original poster
Holl90 · 05/05/2022 10:48

Yes it would be too much if it was every weekend, our other friends for instance never do anything without each other, I don’t go out much at all maybe once every 3 months but I have a bloody good time with the girls when I do. What do people mean though…what is that ‘sort of thing’ I’m not having an affair or up to no good? Surely it is healthy to do things separate on occasions?

OP posts:
Notonthestairs · 05/05/2022 10:49

Both of you are contented in your relationship - what else matters?

DH & I spend quite a bit of time apart, both happy enough with the balance we have. I've no interest in what other peoples opinions are.

IsDaveThere · 05/05/2022 10:50

Apologies, I read it as 2 weekends and a stag do and a wedding, making 4! Two weekends for a wedding/stag isn't that bad Grin

Original poster
Holl90 · 05/05/2022 10:50

My aunty says she regrets so much never doing ahh thing whilst she could?

we have so much fun on the weekends as a family usually, What is so wrong in going our with the lads/girls every once in a while?…to some people it is like committing murder!

OP posts:
Original poster
Holl90 · 05/05/2022 10:51

@IsDaveThere I can see where you got that from! 😊

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 05/05/2022 10:51

Holl90 · 05/05/2022 10:48

Yes it would be too much if it was every weekend, our other friends for instance never do anything without each other, I don’t go out much at all maybe once every 3 months but I have a bloody good time with the girls when I do. What do people mean though…what is that ‘sort of thing’ I’m not having an affair or up to no good? Surely it is healthy to do things separate on occasions?

DH tends to work evenings/weekends but doesn't go out for fun THAT much. I, on the other hand, am out for dinner/drinks/cinema/theatre with girlfriends most weeks at least once. I'd die if I had to spend all my time a) at home b) with DH.

So whatever works for you. As long as you both are happy and don't feel pressured.

MyCommentWasDeleted · 05/05/2022 10:51

I think that’s a healthy balance personally, the trust is obviously there and that’s what matters. A lot of posters on MN don’t have that trust.

thisplaceisweird · 05/05/2022 10:52

I think that level of trust and independence is essential for a healthy marriage. Sounds fine to me and similar works for us.

orangeisthenewpuce · 05/05/2022 10:56

I think what you do sounds fine. Depends on the relationship. During both of my marriages I've always had my own social life with friends apart from social life with OHs. I would hate it if I had to spend all my spare time with one person. I like being independent. If you're happy then that's great.

Iamnotamermaid · 05/05/2022 11:00

Sounds fine to me. I think it is healthy to have individual interests and social activities as long as it fits in with the family schedule and all agreed.

Keep someone on a tight lease & not able to go anywhere they would soon resent it and then problems appear.

Juniper68 · 05/05/2022 11:03

Sounds great 👍

I think it's unhealthy to be joined to OH at the hip.

Too many people are very lonely when eventually they're alone. You need other friendships and interests.

ColdApril · 05/05/2022 11:11

Holl90 · 05/05/2022 10:41

@ColdApril he rarely goes out to be honest at the weekend. I will miss him, but a night away once or twice a year is not too much is it?

Well that's different then.

You didn't make it clear in your OP that it's a rarity he's out at the weekend. You made it seem that this was a standard month for you.

Original poster
Holl90 · 05/05/2022 11:15

@ColdApril yes now I have re-read it it does appear that way. Sorry!

OP posts:
Juniper68 · 05/05/2022 11:38

Holl90 · 05/05/2022 11:15

@ColdApril yes now I have re-read it it does appear that way. Sorry!

I didn't read it as that??

ReadyToMoveIt · 05/05/2022 11:41

Holl90 · 05/05/2022 10:32

I think I just want to understand what people mean when they say ‘we do not do that kind of thing?’

That’s a different question to your OP though isn’t it?
I don’t know what people mean when they say it, no one has ever said it to me. The vast majority of couples I know how hobbies/interests away from the home, and spend time with friends etc. None of my friends are in relationships where they’re joined at the hip.

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