Another lying sex addict

[Devastated92]

I've read countless threads on this very same topic. I know what I need to, and should, do.

But I'm so sad. It's different when it's a person you think you know. I've barely slept and my heart is racing. He is working nights at the moment and isn't home yet. I threw up in the kitchen sink. My hands and feet are cold and numb.

Last night I went on my partner's PC and typed in "A" to the browser bar. Immediately adultwork came up.

I searched through his history and found he was on the site for 10 minutes, including a brief view at local premiere inn locations.

I tried and failed to log in. I have no idea if he "booked" anything.

We have a Ring doorbell and it does not show him leaving, but I think if he disconnected the WiFi he would have been able to sneak out.

I don't understand how he (and men in general, I guess?) can act like the perfect partner, doing housework, being kind and attentive to me, and then be doing this secretly.

You will not be surprised to know that this is not the first issue of this nature. It's always around the time of his night shifts that things happen.

Last year I caught him on Instagram trying to buy nudes from someone he used to know. So this escalation follows, I guess.

I just feel so sick.

He's due home in half an hour.

How long have you been together, who owns the property you live in.

Just pack his bags.

Men like this are just sad pathetic little creeps.

You'll never be able to trust him, get rid.

He's lucky you stayed with him after he tried to buy nude photos of another woman. Very lucky. You know what you have to do. You desserve better.

Thing is OP whilst it's totally devastating I know, on the positive side you aren't spending years having suspicions and trying to keep track-- you actually know he's a shit from the trust angle so can end it with a clear conscience. I don't think the guys who pick up this habit of buying sexual services ever stop- it's ingrained in them. Doesn't matter if he says he didn't follow through- the intent was there, enough to look at hotels.

12 years. We both own it.

To answer your confusion about how they can be the perfect partner but still do these things; two points. Firstly, they're all doing it (well, not 'all' but you get my sentiment?), and secondly, they compartmentalise really well.
More broadly speaking, they have no backbone and an under-developed sense of duty, care and personal morality when it comes to their primary relationship. They have a sense of entitlement and poor self-regulation. They have an inability to connect action to possible consequence (they cannot see further than the end of their dick). They are the perfect candidates for the consumer-driven misogyny which is hurtling out of control throughout the western world - set within the patriarchy and facilitated by the world wide web.
All you need to know is that men who use AW when they're supposed to be in a relationship are idiots. You can choose to be with an idiot or without an idiot. Personally, I'd want to stay around with the idiot for a while to see how much I could get out of him, before royally pissing off to a much, much better life.

@thestraitofillinois I get your sentiment entirely- there is something quite satisfying about it- but then I'm a subtle sneaky bitch if I'm crapped on -- the hard part is actually though having to be able to compartmentalise yourself.

men who use AW when they're supposed to be in a relationship are idiots.

And men that use it and don't clear their browsing history afterwards are massive idiots!

Sorry OP. He's a bastard and you deserve so much better! 💐

Well I'm wondering if this is a one off or he left it there on purpose for me to find? He was supposed to come to bed at 4am but came at 5 instead, so I wonder if he did go out after all?

He came home this morning and asked what was wrong. I couldn't talk about it so I said let's discuss it later. He's sleeping now. Another night shift tonight. And then another.

I have done no work today.

The compartmentalization point is really interesting because in the past he has expressed an interest in certain deviant sexual preferences but said he could never do that to me 🙄

It's totally devastating when you find out someone is a sleazy deceptive arse , but carries on to your face as if you were the best thing since sliced bread - It's gut wrenching I couldn't stop shaking and couldn't stand still either. All I can say OP is try and keep hydrated, maybe some soup or a banana and have a think if for you it's an absolute dealbreaker - it would be for me but everyone's different then think logically if you are able to practically end it now, need to get stuff together and need to keep it to yourself for a bit etc-- think very very logically if possible as once you confront then there's no knowing how someone will react when cornered. I kept stuff to myself for 6 weeks, so I had got an emergency fund together , if needed.

I've been there, it's sickening isn't it?

Men, in general, are just bastards and if they think they can't get away with it most of them will IMO, do it.

I wish I'd had the guts to end it back then - but was pregnant and in a v vulnerable position (no job, no family support) I think about it every day and will never entirely trust him again. I don't think he has any idea just how badly it's affected my life.

If you are in a position to do so I would just chuck him out OP. Once the trust is gone it never returns.

**can

They surely can't have a clue how much it affects the lives of those closest to them because if they did know, but still carried on anyway, that would make them psychopaths.
Without reducing in any part the pain and damaging effects inflicted on their partner, it should be remembered that there are also devastating consequences for anyone else who gets to know about their sordid and sad little second life. For any children, for example. There are profound repercussions that may last a lifetime, affecting their own future relationships with partners and even their relationship with their mother due to the violently sudden shift in family dynamics.
Also - his mother? How on earth does a man cope with the effect upon his own mother who will surely feel partly responsible?
Even worse are those men who have daughters the same age as the prostitutes they are viewing/using. What will she be thinking when she tries to square the image of her dad from her childhood with the dirty old man who fucks girls young enough to be his daughter?
Any woman affected by this and who manages to cope with the devastating effects on their mental health will - eventually - end up stronger. I think there is a price to be paid, though, as it can turn a once loving and happy woman into a cynic, or a man-hater, or someone who does not view the world as brightly as before.

@thestraitofillinois Yes I think it does harden you- not just sex worker use but affairs, emotional affairs, sexting, secretive porn use when you yourself are anti porn etc- I think all these things combine sadly to give you less of a rosy view of men in general- and certainly your partner if you remain in the relationship. There are some amazing men out there I know , but sadly a great many untrustworthy sleazeballs too , hiding under a 'family man/great boyfriend' cloak until they get caught out

Sex addict is not how I would describe it. That implies no choice, which there is.

Sex addict.

More a man who finds he is unable to be monogamous with one woman, they need variety, or is it an urge to inseminate as many females as possible.

Maybe they just get bored of sex which have emotions and love connected to it, who knows but one thing's for sure, the best way to put a stop to a commited loving relationship and intimacy is to place your dick into another female.

Most women once finding out about her man's intimacy with others, find it the biggest turn off in a man. Done, dusted it becomes crap for most women.

Op deny entry to this idiot who can't see beyond the end of his own erection and be open to the idea of finding another who deseves access.

It will not be a once off. If he has not used AW yet he will do so in the future if you stay with him.

I work in Sexual Health clinic professionally. The amount of ‘gentleman’ -
professional men, 2.4 children and lovely home lifes on instagram who would attend prior to the school run after an AW ‘golf’ trip or following a quick liason pre nightshift was astounding. They would travel to the clinic to get checked prior to picking up their kids from the elite private schools. Also, do not underestimate how many of these men are actually gay/bi.

I am so scarred for seeing the reality of life from working in these clinics - I genuinely doubt I will ever get married or fully trust someone ever. My colleague who is the same age is me is the same. There are good men - and we would never see them obviously - but it was astounding how many were chancers / cheats. And equally as astouding how many of them gave off the affect of being ‘family men’ when the weekend before they were having anal intercourse with a male brazilan prostitute in Spain somewhere.

You would ask them how they met their most current sexual partner - the answer without fail was always always. Online. I used to see married men who would turn their phone over in clinic and the apps ‘Tinder’ would be on display. I know the logo having used it before; not sure how their wife did not notice.

Sorry for the rant but the point I am trying to make is that this will be nothing to do with you and it is the rip roaring misogyony and patriarchy that online / porn / dating app culture the world has created. I would also leave him. My advice to any woman nowadays meeting men is to vet them like their life depends on it and even then, do not be surprised if something odd comes out the wood work after a few years.

Also the sex addict thing in my opinion is an utter nonsense. It gives these sleazy men an external excuse and 6/12 months of ‘therapy’ to convince the woman to stay - only for a few more years done the line to have a decompenstion of the addiction and woops! I slipped up again. My awful addiction and my slippery penis - how did the addiction get so bad again… must be my ‘mental health’.

put the violins away Robert, there is no addiction here except your own narrative you are projecting onto a woman who was far too good for you to begin with. Throw him out and let him wank into a sock.

Sorry OP, he is a shit.

Doesn't help you at all, but you don't need to turn off the wifi to stop your Ring unit activating. Turning off wifi could alert someone if they couldn't use the wifi on another device. You can disarm the Ring from the app. Pretty sure it isn't recorded in the history, either.

@Lovechildp I remember meeting a lovely lady at a meet up who was happy to discuss she was going they divorce as had discovered her extremely senior scientist H 'family man' was working his way through craigslist, Adultwork , online one to one webcamming and godknows what else. She had no idea and just happened to see a strange message come in on his phone when he nipped to the loo one day. A very quick snoop ensued. She then took his phone and locked herself in the other bathroom with it and found out all she needed to know by the odd message, the cookies etc.

I could write a book I can assure you.

and every single one of these woman would testify over her dead body that her man would never be the type to do that - and there is no data whatsoever in her 3D that would result in her coming to any conclusion otherwise.

Your perspective @Lovechildp is so interesting, perhaps you should consider writing a book?!
There certainly needs to be sociological research into this.
When I had to speak to my local sexual health clinic because of my partner's use of prostitutes I came away with the sense that the nurse really didn't think it was that big a deal - an approach which actually led to me feeling even more wretched, as I thought I had entered a world in which prostitute-use was now considered okay.
Perhaps I misinterpreted, and what is really happening is that these nurses hear it time and time again and are de-sensitised to it?

So sorry OP
It’s a sad state of affairs.
it seems it’s getting harder and harder to trust men these days.
you deserve so much better than a no good, AdultWork user, cheater.

It is because we see and hear these stories constantly.

Socially people say I am ‘underwhelmed’ during dating situations - where others would be very upset and angry - but it is just because I am desensitised and nothing surprises me.

I am sorry you felt that way during your clinic appointment; I cannot comment what she was really thinking but your observations and how you felt are entirely valid. I perhaps have this affect too and it is useful to know how it made you feel.

I frequently will tell woman, like yourself, to never blame themselves - it is hugely common and they likely will know socially another woman this has happened to without even realising it. I just have this need to normalise if for them - so the blame goes outwards from them and onto their partner / society. Would you have found that more helpful? Or would you have found that causing you to feel worse? Please let me know.