Page 2 | Another lying sex addict

Devastated92 · 2022-05-05T07:40:18+00:00

I've read countless threads on this very same topic. I know what I need to, and should, do. But I'm so sad. It's different when it's a person you think you know. I've barely slept and my heart is racing. He is working nights at the moment and isn't home yet. I threw up in the kitchen sink. My hands and feet are cold and numb. Last night I went on my partner's PC and typed in "A" to the browser bar. Immediately adultwork came up. I searched through his history and found he was on the site for 10 minutes, including a brief view at local premiere inn locations. I tried and failed to log in. I have no idea if he "booked" anything. We have a Ring doorbell and it does not show him leaving, but I think if he disconnected the WiFi he would have been able to sneak out. I don't understand how he (and men in general, I guess?) can act like the perfect partner, doing housework, being kind and attentive to me, and then be doing this secretly. You will not be surprised to know that this is not the first issue of this nature. It's always around the time of his night shifts that things happen. Last year I caught him on Instagram trying to buy nudes from someone he used to know. So this escalation follows, I guess. I just feel so sick. He's due home in half an hour.

Crikeyalmighty · 06/05/2022 10:49

@Lovechildp It certainly changed my mindset and made me far more savvy - sadly it's also made me rather more distrustful of all men in general when it comes to anything sexual

Lovechildp · 06/05/2022 10:49

Justwonderinghow · 06/05/2022 10:44

So sorry OP
It’s a sad state of affairs.
it seems it’s getting harder and harder to trust men these days.
you deserve so much better than a no good, AdultWork user, cheater.

It has always been the same. Internet made it more accessible, browser history and message threads make it easier to prove and find out.

Lovechildp · 06/05/2022 10:55

thestraitofillinois · 06/05/2022 10:41

Your perspective @Lovechildp is so interesting, perhaps you should consider writing a book?!
There certainly needs to be sociological research into this.
When I had to speak to my local sexual health clinic because of my partner's use of prostitutes I came away with the sense that the nurse really didn't think it was that big a deal - an approach which actually led to me feeling even more wretched, as I thought I had entered a world in which prostitute-use was now considered okay.
Perhaps I misinterpreted, and what is really happening is that these nurses hear it time and time again and are de-sensitised to it?

I abhor prostitute work - liberal feminism and any other narrative which Men use as ‘empowering woman’ but is actually continuing the narrative of female sexual conditioning. Do not get me started on choking, porn, BDSM, hook-up culture (All views my own before anyone challenges my views on this - These are my views based on research and being an active professional and witness in this field - everyone in this liberal society can make their own judgements and decisions and are entitled to do so)

If I could go back in time and not know what I know now - I actually think I would. The reality of it is painful.

Lovechildp · 06/05/2022 10:57

Crikeyalmighty · 06/05/2022 10:49

@Lovechildp It certainly changed my mindset and made me far more savvy - sadly it's also made me rather more distrustful of all men in general when it comes to anything sexual

Totally agree.
As you are having such intense and emotional discussions about such personal things - are you able to ‘read people’ quicker than others?

thestraitofillinois · 06/05/2022 11:17

Without wishing to derail the thread, I wanted to respond to @Lovechildp regarding the need to normalise it for women affected so that the blame goes outward - a very noble and caring goal, except that there is a problem with that.

I had a friend respond in a similar fashion by telling me it was no reflection on me that he'd used prostitutes (a comment which I was comforted by) but they later said how loads of people go through what I was going through (which I was not at all comforted by, it destabilised my understanding of reality and I felt it minimised my trauma).
For the more 'green' women you see, if you tell them prostitute-use has become widespread in society, this will add to their distress. It is a shock to find yourself in a world you previously never thought existed. For me, prostitutes were still those shop-window women in Amsterdam, street characters in gritty TV shows, and the men who visited them were the dirty-mac brigade. Sad old codgers who didn't have a woman in their lives. I really was still living in the 1970s in my head. I had no idea that sites like AW were even a thing, that's how green I was. And I was far from innocent, we'd watched porn together in the past.

It was only much later, after a period of processing the knowledge that the person I relied on most in the world was not the person I believed him to be, that I came to understand I had been living with an understanding of the world that was no longer true in fact.

Lovechildp · 06/05/2022 11:26

thestraitofillinois · 06/05/2022 11:17

Without wishing to derail the thread, I wanted to respond to @Lovechildp regarding the need to normalise it for women affected so that the blame goes outward - a very noble and caring goal, except that there is a problem with that.

I had a friend respond in a similar fashion by telling me it was no reflection on me that he'd used prostitutes (a comment which I was comforted by) but they later said how loads of people go through what I was going through (which I was not at all comforted by, it destabilised my understanding of reality and I felt it minimised my trauma).
For the more 'green' women you see, if you tell them prostitute-use has become widespread in society, this will add to their distress. It is a shock to find yourself in a world you previously never thought existed. For me, prostitutes were still those shop-window women in Amsterdam, street characters in gritty TV shows, and the men who visited them were the dirty-mac brigade. Sad old codgers who didn't have a woman in their lives. I really was still living in the 1970s in my head. I had no idea that sites like AW were even a thing, that's how green I was. And I was far from innocent, we'd watched porn together in the past.

It was only much later, after a period of processing the knowledge that the person I relied on most in the world was not the person I believed him to be, that I came to understand I had been living with an understanding of the world that was no longer true in fact.

This is brave and hugely insightful. Thank you so much for this. I will certainly take this on board. I have never been in your position and I am so sorry you had to go through that. 💐

Thank you so much for letting me know how those comments made you feel.

Lovechildp · 06/05/2022 11:30

thestraitofillinois · 06/05/2022 11:17

Without wishing to derail the thread, I wanted to respond to @Lovechildp regarding the need to normalise it for women affected so that the blame goes outward - a very noble and caring goal, except that there is a problem with that.

I had a friend respond in a similar fashion by telling me it was no reflection on me that he'd used prostitutes (a comment which I was comforted by) but they later said how loads of people go through what I was going through (which I was not at all comforted by, it destabilised my understanding of reality and I felt it minimised my trauma).
For the more 'green' women you see, if you tell them prostitute-use has become widespread in society, this will add to their distress. It is a shock to find yourself in a world you previously never thought existed. For me, prostitutes were still those shop-window women in Amsterdam, street characters in gritty TV shows, and the men who visited them were the dirty-mac brigade. Sad old codgers who didn't have a woman in their lives. I really was still living in the 1970s in my head. I had no idea that sites like AW were even a thing, that's how green I was. And I was far from innocent, we'd watched porn together in the past.

It was only much later, after a period of processing the knowledge that the person I relied on most in the world was not the person I believed him to be, that I came to understand I had been living with an understanding of the world that was no longer true in fact.

I went through a couple of years of grief when I too realised what the reality of the world was like in this regard. In many ways I wish I had never been exposed to it. I feel trying to explain it to people who have never been intimately affected by it (like yourself) or working in the field is like giving a harry potter book to a 1 year old - there is no way they can comprehend how to read it, what to make of it whatsoever.

me4real · 06/05/2022 11:38

He's not a sex addict as such; he's probably just a sleazy male keen to get as much sex as possible because he loves it.

This is not altogether uncommon with men unfortunately.

Crikeyalmighty · 06/05/2022 14:18

@Lovechildp Yes I think I can read people pretty well but have learnt there are some very naive women in particular out there sadly- the idea of 'not their Nigel' is a pretty big one and I myself I admit would have felt like this at one point , but no longer. I am still married but have learnt not to think you fully know someone or put them on a pedestal and prioritise yourself and children somewhat over any partners - and I personally don't hold with this no snooping if something's really don't seem right at all or are not adding up at all. You are usually committing time, energy and money to relationships and I for one am not at all ok for being made a fool of. At60 I now have too many friends who have been blindsided by seriously underhand or sleazy behaviour and put into a bad position.

Lovechildp · 06/05/2022 14:26

Crikeyalmighty · 06/05/2022 14:18

@Lovechildp Yes I think I can read people pretty well but have learnt there are some very naive women in particular out there sadly- the idea of 'not their Nigel' is a pretty big one and I myself I admit would have felt like this at one point , but no longer. I am still married but have learnt not to think you fully know someone or put them on a pedestal and prioritise yourself and children somewhat over any partners - and I personally don't hold with this no snooping if something's really don't seem right at all or are not adding up at all. You are usually committing time, energy and money to relationships and I for one am not at all ok for being made a fool of. At60 I now have too many friends who have been blindsided by seriously underhand or sleazy behaviour and put into a bad position.

I know of one who is my age 30s - who ‘bought a house’ - (she paid the deposit obviously) for a guy who was not even divorced yet from a dating app. After knowing him 9 months. He was in rented accomodation and she already owned property.

He was ‘taking his ex wife to the cleaners’ financially. None of this raised any alarm bells with her. He was still on the dating app a year after they met. ‘He forgot to delete it’.

At present she is hetrifying with her remarks of ‘it was so easy when I first met x’’, ‘you really have to be more trusting of men they are not all bad - look at x’. Its the cognitive dissonance for me.

I had to stop myself in my tracks when she showed me the bedroom she decorated and made (for him in the house she bought) into a ‘man cave’ and laughed. I nearly fainted. Is it me?

Lovechildp · 06/05/2022 14:27

(Sorry for derailing thread)

Onehappymam · 06/05/2022 14:36

Men, in general, are just bastards and if they think they can't get away with it most of them will IMO, do it.

This, with bells on! And I say that as someone who’s been happily married for 17 years, together 25. I’ve always followed the mantra ‘never trust a man’ and so far, I’ve always been right!

It’s shit OP. You deserve so much better than this. He won’t change, he’ll only be more careful hiding it in the future. There’s nothing wrong with him, he doesn’t have ‘issues’, he’s just a man who thought he could have his cake and eat it.