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Original poster

Is these red flags acceptable?

65 replies

proudmomofone1 · 04/05/2022 21:31

Hi , I started dating this guy 5 months ago. It's been all good until recently obviously getting to know him more I started to notice some quirky things about him. He is very loving, he holds my hand always on the street, he makes breakfast for me and cooks for me and has helped me out with different issues in my personal life but.. first he doesn't like to have sex, he said he doesn't enjoy it and it's always been an issue and it's not me he just prefers to do it himself. He just enjoys being cuddles, massages, touching. He said he can't get hard with normal sex and that's why he doesn't enjoy it. He is also very particular about money, we went on a trip together and first he said he doesn't mind paying more for certain things but today he sent me spread sheet in excel with all the things we spend money on a trip even like 2 euro coffee and asked how much I spent so he did exact calculations and he didn't ask straight but it was obvious he wanted me to pay half so I paid him. He has lots of other little quirks that is showing signs of OCD, he has made lots of complains about ac unit noise in the house opposite him, I could hardly hear anything. He complained about delivery drivers making noise delivering things. I don't know I do think he is a lovely person but I am just thinking if it might a bit too much little things in my head that I think it's bit weird. We have lots of things in common and we have laughs and I do truly enjoy spending time with him but should I stop now before things get more serious.

OP posts:
Original poster
proudmomofone1 · 04/05/2022 22:24

He does watch porn he did admit that

OP posts:
waterrat · 04/05/2022 22:27

The spreadsheet alone would be the absolute end for me. How could you consider dating someone who is like that with money.

I would consider the sex thing probably linked to porn addiction.

Attwoodsladyfriend · 04/05/2022 22:29

Some HUGE neurodivergence signs there. But that’s not the point. This one isn’t a keeper.

Original poster
proudmomofone1 · 04/05/2022 22:29

He likes doing spreadsheets but yea receiving message like hi how are you today followed by spreadsheet kind of throw me off a bit Shock

OP posts:
BreadAndWater · 04/05/2022 22:34

Does he try to sexually satisfy you in otherways or is it a straight no from him?

Original poster
proudmomofone1 · 04/05/2022 22:37

He hasn't tried anything at all just cuddling. He doesn't really even enjoy kissing.

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 04/05/2022 22:39

Jeez I couldn't cope with that sex situation. I've been with the financial situation and trust me, that only gets worse.

Don't accept less than you truly want with sex of anything else. Be honest with yourself - you are worth someone who wants to shag you senseless.

BreadAndWater · 04/05/2022 22:43

Not even kissing

It wont get better

LightSpeeds · 04/05/2022 22:44

proudmomofone1 · 04/05/2022 22:24

He does watch porn he did admit that

Jesus, not another porn wank addict. I'd expect things (him) to keep going downhill from here...

FrostedCupcakes · 04/05/2022 22:44

RUN.

Watchkeys · 04/05/2022 22:44

You're using 'he's not horrible' and 'he's clean' as reasons to be with him?

Holy moley. At this stage, you want someone to be blowing your socks off with how amazing they are.

MrsDamonSalvatore · 04/05/2022 22:46

Do you want a sexless relationship? If not, it’s non-starter surely? As for the spreadsheet itemising everything down to a cup of coffee, that would be a deal breaker for me. (I kind of agree with him about the noise as those things annoy me too!) Time to throw this frog back in the pond I think.

lisavanderpumpscloset · 04/05/2022 22:47

Are red flags ever acceptable??

Trust your gut. RUN.

ChloeHel · 04/05/2022 22:50

Summerholidayorcovidagain · 04/05/2022 21:40

Pointless fancying him if he won't shag you surely?

This exactly.

OP run a mile.

catfunk · 04/05/2022 22:51

The spreadsheet would bother me even more than the sex tbh. I'd run a mile.

JoeGoldberg · 04/05/2022 22:52

proudmomofone1 · 04/05/2022 22:37

He hasn't tried anything at all just cuddling. He doesn't really even enjoy kissing.

The question to ask yourself is, am I ok with this? If the answer is no, then that's all you need to know.

Watchkeys · 04/05/2022 22:52

lisavanderpumpscloset · 04/05/2022 22:47

Are red flags ever acceptable??

Trust your gut. RUN.

No. Red flags are what unacceptable things are called. Although we might ought to be in Pedants' Corner.

phizog · 04/05/2022 22:59

Please don't be so desperate. You can't live decades of your life with someone who doesn't want sex and has some serious neuroses about day to day life. At some point you'll have to share a bed, home, personal space and finances with him. Being single would be infinitely better.

cool4cats2020 · 04/05/2022 23:01

LightSpeeds · 04/05/2022 22:44

Jesus, not another porn wank addict. I'd expect things (him) to keep going downhill from here...

Show quote history

The porn use is a total red herring with this one. He clearly has issues with physical intimacy. Possibly he's been a victim of sexual abuse in the past. Or (especially in conjunction with the spreadsheet thing) might be an indicator of being neurodivergent?

Whatever it is, it's highly unlikely it'll get better on either front. So if you're not happy with a sexless relationship and meticulous couples accountancy then I don't think he's the one for you.

JudyGemstone · 04/05/2022 23:07

The fact that he said he can’t get hard from ‘normal’ sex makes me think he’s got some weird fetish he’s buttering you up for.

I don’t think you’re compatible.

Norwolf · 04/05/2022 23:08

YESSS RUUNNNN!!!!

Too much to just ignore.

Zerrin13 · 04/05/2022 23:10

Run for the hills

Shakeitshakeitbaby · 04/05/2022 23:11

Attwoodsladyfriend · 04/05/2022 22:29

Some HUGE neurodivergence signs there. But that’s not the point. This one isn’t a keeper.

Neurodivergent was my first thought too. I wouldn't have an issue with the quirks but I am neurodiverse. The porn would be the red flag for me.

PriestessofPing · 04/05/2022 23:48

What has happened in your life to make you even consider sticking around someone who is so obviously such a terrible bet to build a loving, intimate relationship with?

Ihatethenewlook · 04/05/2022 23:51

Omfg. Choose now. Set yourself up for a life of misery or fucking run!