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Original poster

DP in conflict with elderly mother - sad to watch

29 replies

sweetb · 04/05/2022 09:23

Not sure if this one is for here but will share anyway. my DP is in long term conflict with his elderly mother, she is ill so now I doubt she even remembers that there ever been any conflict. I encourage him to make up as time is not on their side and it is his mother. She is 86. He doesn't want to be the bigger person. They see each other once in a few years. He speaks to his father every few weeks. They live nearby. It is all sad to watch really. I keep saying that things will impact him when parents be gone and it is not worth to be like that. I am sure he wouldn't want his dcs to be like that to him. She has been horrible to me in the past but I do not hold grudges, it is not worth it. What worries me is their relationship because if he is so bitter and twisted towards an elderly mother how is he going to be towards me if we have a major disagreement? He shows no empathy towards her and almost feels like tries to punish her for something from years back. She is an old, ill person. I try not to get involved because each time I suggest he calls her or asks if she needs anything he rises his voice at me.

OP posts:
WildCoasts · 04/05/2022 09:28

You need to back off and let your partner handle his relationship with his mother. He knows she is old and not immortal. He's made up his mind. Yes, it's sad, but it's his choice.

FWIW, my DH doesn't talk to an immediate family member, they died, he feels no regrets.

Fluffycloudland77 · 04/05/2022 09:35

You need to drop it, you don’t need to be the bigger person if someone’s horrible to you.

emmakenny · 04/05/2022 09:37

It's none of your business. He obviously has his reasons.

Boiledbeetle · 04/05/2022 11:13

"She is an old, ill person" and??? So what if she is old and ill. That doesn't suddenly wipe out all past problems.

If your DP doesn't want to pretend that all is rosy and wonderful then that is his prerogative and nothing to do with you.I

He doesn't have to see or speak to his mother ever again if he doesn't want to

My suggestion to you...BACK OFF!

longtompot · 04/05/2022 11:52

It is hard to imagine someone being like that to their own parent when you have not experienced what they have. My dh was the same towards his parents, though he did help them, but he hated them. He was relieved when they died as the stress they caused when they were alive was immense.
Instead of trying to make him speak to his mum, speak to him about your worries regarding if you have a disagreement. I can't imagine he would do the same as he has had a lifetime of awful behaviour from his mum which is why he like this. Unless of course he is already ignoring you if you disagree with him, and then I think you have other issues to deal with.

Amicompletelyinsane · 04/05/2022 11:56

I suppose a lot of it depends on the reasons behind his behaviour towards her. If he has suffered over the years from her behaviour towards him then why should he just forgive and because she is old. It just doesn't work like that. I would be like him. I don't really see my mother because of my childhood. I can't even link that to my partner. If we fell out that is rather different from falling out with a parent

Shoxfordian · 04/05/2022 12:07

Stop involving yourself in his relationships

lunar1 · 04/05/2022 12:08

I'd more than likely divorce my husband if he did what you are doing regarding my dad.

Honestly how dare you make his history all about what you think he should do. What on earth is wrong with you?

SpeedofaSloth · 04/05/2022 12:09

Stay out of it, it's not your relationship to manage.

Suzi888 · 04/05/2022 12:15

lunar1 · 04/05/2022 12:08

I'd more than likely divorce my husband if he did what you are doing regarding my dad.

Honestly how dare you make his history all about what you think he should do. What on earth is wrong with you?

Bit savage^ and uncalled for.

It’s sad to watch I agree, OP. It’s a shame and he may regret it or he may not. Presumably you’ve made your thoughts clear on the subject. There’s really not much else you can do. 💐 He doesn’t seem to want to forgive and forget or reconcile before her death.
Why is he having any contact with her at all would be my question…. She sounds very ill and I think it’s cruel if he’s making contact to then be horrid to her, especially if she doesn’t understand what’s going on.

How would he be like with you? Who knows. You’ll have to cross that bridge if it happens.

AliceMcK · 04/05/2022 12:20

lunar1 · 04/05/2022 12:08

I'd more than likely divorce my husband if he did what you are doing regarding my dad.

Honestly how dare you make his history all about what you think he should do. What on earth is wrong with you?

This

if my DH tried to guilt me into making contact with my NC M just because she’s old and dosnt remember what she’s done, he would be out the door. Just because she dosnt remember dosnt change the fact she did it.

Only4You · 04/05/2022 12:37

lunar1 · 04/05/2022 12:08

I'd more than likely divorce my husband if he did what you are doing regarding my dad.

Honestly how dare you make his history all about what you think he should do. What on earth is wrong with you?

I think that’s a crap advice.

you have no idea of the reason why things are strained.
you have no idea of the DH personality (eg does he tend to hold to grudges for no reason at all? The fact the Op is also worried that he might well do that to her says a lot Imo).
really you have no idea at all as to what is going on apart from the fact the OP and her DH don’t see the situation the same way.

so to them jump and say the DH should LTB….

lunar1 · 04/05/2022 12:37

I don't agree that my post is uncalled for. Everyone is entitled to their feelings. DH knows my history, he wouldn't dream of trying to compound it further.

Other posters sadly have clearly had their own very negative pasts with parents. My experience with my dad repeatedly broke me throughout many years, he is never owed my forgiveness. There will be emotions if he dies, but they will be extremely complex.

I don't need to reflect on my husband trying to guilt me over those feeling, or have him pass judgment over how I get through it all.

ancientgran · 04/05/2022 12:41

I understand your worries. My husband had a very difficult relationship with his mother although he did see her more often than your husband does. I used to say he needed to resolve things and he'd regret it when she died. I honestly thought he'd have big regrets. He really didn't, I was more upset than him and she was horrible to me, called me "it" as in "does it want a cup of tea."

It's sad but it is what it is.

Only4You · 04/05/2022 12:43

@sweetb having said that, you can’t change other people’s reactions, only your own.

By pushing (even ever so gently) you DH to do things he doesn’t want, he is more likely to not do it (see the rebellious child and you acting like a parent/mother towards him). If this is something that has been going on for years, then it’s even less likely to change iyswim.

Leaving your DH decide what he wants to do vs his mother sounds the most logical decision. His parents, his way of handling the situation.
You CAN decide that the way he is behaving is ok for you or not. Will his insistence to not see his mother have an effect in how you see him, what you think of him?
You are mentioning your fear he will behave the same if you have a disagreement with him. Where is that fear coming from?
I wouod actually have a look at that with a counsellor. Because it sounds like his behaviour towards his mother is triggering a lot if stuff for you. Whether it’s appropriate or not would be up to you to investigate and act upon (or not!) iyswim.

Only4You · 04/05/2022 12:44

@lunar1 but you have absolutely NO IDEA of that is the case with the OP and her DH.

thats the reason why I disagree with that all or nothing approach.

Beamur · 04/05/2022 12:49

His relationship with his Mother is not necessarily a model for how he will treat you.
His Mother will not be innocent in the breakdown of this relationship.
Unless you know the whole story, I would be wary of assuming it can be fixed. Even old, sick people can be cruel and manipulative.
Support your DH. He may already be in a better place by not having much contact.
I think you do have a good point though about making sure that he's not going to have lots of unresolved issues when she dies. But I don't think you can keep pressing him to act if he doesn't want to. Respect his choices.

Only4You · 04/05/2022 12:52

Fwiw I think part if the issue is that we, as women, are raised to smooth over things, make everyone feel better (even if that’s at our detriment). So we are more likely to want ‘to forgive and forget’ than men.

The issue for me (and I’ve learnt that the hard way) is that the way we see things might not reflect reality.
And yes maybe we can sometimes have very good reasons to not want to have anything to do with someone (incl a parent, sibling etc…).
And sometimes we have made a mountain out of a molehill, forgot that people are well… people, just like we are. And people make mistakes.
And sometimes too we decide it wasn’t such a big issue when we should have hold onto our boundaries very tightly…..
I found that my emotions weren’t always a good reliable indicator.

godmum56 · 04/05/2022 12:56

Only4You · 04/05/2022 12:52

Fwiw I think part if the issue is that we, as women, are raised to smooth over things, make everyone feel better (even if that’s at our detriment). So we are more likely to want ‘to forgive and forget’ than men.

The issue for me (and I’ve learnt that the hard way) is that the way we see things might not reflect reality.
And yes maybe we can sometimes have very good reasons to not want to have anything to do with someone (incl a parent, sibling etc…).
And sometimes we have made a mountain out of a molehill, forgot that people are well… people, just like we are. And people make mistakes.
And sometimes too we decide it wasn’t such a big issue when we should have hold onto our boundaries very tightly…..
I found that my emotions weren’t always a good reliable indicator.

This exactly.....I do think it can be a woman thing.....maybe not intrinsically but because of what women are taught is right.

rustycarpet · 04/05/2022 13:00

Don't force it. If he hasn't experienced trauma because of her I wouldn't expect him to be forced to relive it just because she got old 🤷‍♀️
He may have mourned her to some extent already so may not have the regrets you fear he will when she dies.

knittingaddict · 04/05/2022 13:10

Just because people are old and ill doesn't mean they get a free pass. Behaviour in the past matters and your husband may be in the right here. I noticed that you haven't said what your mil has done. Is that deliberate?

My husband saw his mum just enough to not have any guilt when she died. Maybe saw her once a year. He had his reasons and they were very good ones. I fully supported him and he had no guilt when she did eventually die a couple of years ago.

GregBrawlsInDogJail · 04/05/2022 13:19

Stay out of it. You're projecting your own stuff all over this relationship, which is really not to do with you.

You need to trust your DP to manage his own relationship with his own mother. Maybe he will regret their current distance when she dies. Then again maybe not. Maybe he'll regret not having more distance. Maybe he'll regret putting up with you sticking your oar in. None of us gets out of life without regrets.

GreyCarpet · 04/05/2022 13:19

With respect... back off, it's nothing to do with you

I've been NC with my mother for 10 years. She's 71. One day, she will also be 86 and probably won't ever what she did. But she did it. The impact has been far reaching on our entire family. She's a thoroughly unpleasant person akd old age won't change that

You have no right at all to impose your own ideas about this on him.

mbosnz · 04/05/2022 13:38

Two of my DH's siblings have absolutely no contact with their father, and their reasons are understandable. DH does have contact with his father, albeit very reluctant and low contact, because he feels that in order to be true to himself, he wishes to maintain contact, and I fully support that. Although I too hate the bastard, and we both have very good reasons to completely severe contact if we so desired. (I have no contact with him, and neither do our daughters - their choice).

It is DH's business, and his siblings business, how they choose to conduct their relationship with their parent - and it's not for me to judge whether or not their reasons for their choices are 'worthy', nor to predict the possible consequences for themselves of their actions. They're grown adults, they can make their own choices, and foresee the possible consequences of their choices for themselves - and live with them.

I don't see any causation or correlation between DH's relationship with his father, and his relationship with me - they are very different relationships.

picklemewalnuts · 04/05/2022 13:48

When she was young and fit they couldn't manage a civil relationship. Why would they be able to now she's elderly and unwell? It's no easier!

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