DP in conflict with elderly mother - sad to watch

[sweetb]

Not sure if this one is for here but will share anyway. my DP is in long term conflict with his elderly mother, she is ill so now I doubt she even remembers that there ever been any conflict. I encourage him to make up as time is not on their side and it is his mother. She is 86. He doesn't want to be the bigger person. They see each other once in a few years. He speaks to his father every few weeks. They live nearby. It is all sad to watch really. I keep saying that things will impact him when parents be gone and it is not worth to be like that. I am sure he wouldn't want his dcs to be like that to him. She has been horrible to me in the past but I do not hold grudges, it is not worth it. What worries me is their relationship because if he is so bitter and twisted towards an elderly mother how is he going to be towards me if we have a major disagreement? He shows no empathy towards her and almost feels like tries to punish her for something from years back. She is an old, ill person. I try not to get involved because each time I suggest he calls her or asks if she needs anything he rises his voice at me.

I am sure your DH has his own reasons for not making up (that by the way is a two way process and both parties need to be engaged) and it doesn’t matter if you don’t understand or agree. This is about him and his relationship with his parent, not about what you think, or would do if you were in a similar situation.

You have already given him your thoughts and pointed out that she won’t live forever (although most adults can work that one out), it is now time for you to back off and let him manage his own relationships. By continuing to ‘encourage’ him to make up, you will also be by default brushing aside and invalidating his feelings that have led to the current situation.

His mother has been horrible to you as well yet you persist in wanting to be the so called bigger person. Being that is a waste of time and effort when it comes to toxic families.

Your man has known his mother far longer than you have and fortunately you did not grow up within such a dysfunctional family unit. He was not so lucky. You need to support your man here and present a united front not undermine him as you are doing. You are harming him by doubting him re his mother and otherwise doing your bit here not to want to rock the boat.

I would think his children would not do the same to him because he has decided not to continue meting out abuse like she did to him from childhood onwards.

Zombie thread, guys.

Word ☝🏻