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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is he having a breakdown?

38 replies

KittyKat200 · 04/05/2022 08:10

I dont think this is the right forum but I want to try anyway.
My BF recently found out that he is a father, which had been kept from him for years. Ever since I met him he had been adamant that he never wanted to be a father and for a variety of reasons.
Since he found out he has been insufferable - he is aggressive, constantly angry, and confrontational. I understand that this must have come as a shock and that it will take time for him to take this in, but I am quite worried about this.
He has psychological problems which we don't discuss properly, but he is in therapy. His therapist is on holiday and when I suggested he'd talk to someone else he almost chewed my head off. He apologised afterwards and said he was sorry for shouting at me.
When I say I'm worried I don't mean that I think he'd harm himself, but he is impulsive and can be quite difficult if he doesn't get his way. He's also had, by his own admission, a history of violence which only stopped when he eventually started accepting help.
He went to work yesterday and managed to shout a colleague down in the middle of the office floor....and we're talking about 2 people at director level in a very big company :(
I don't really know what to do...has anyone been in this situation before, or does anyone know what can be done, at least until he gets to speak to a professional? I might be overreacting but this is not the person I recognise but someone else entirely :(

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 04/05/2022 08:35

Why on earth are you with this man? He sounds absolutely fucking horrible and terrifying, too.

Original poster

KittyKat200 · 04/05/2022 08:47

That’s the thing…he isn’t usually like this. It’s like someone flipped a switch.

OP posts:

AthenaPopodopolous · 04/05/2022 08:50

How did he find out he had fathered a child?

Babdoc · 04/05/2022 08:51

I suspect that this is the real him. He has previous. His temporary good behaviour was to reel you in, but he can’t keep up the facade after the recent revelation has stressed him.

HollowTalk · 04/05/2022 08:52

I agree. You are seeing his true self now.

lassof · 04/05/2022 08:55

He should maybe take sick leave from work before he gets fired. And if I were you, I would go on a break somewhere away from him. You can't fix this and may become collateral damage

Gingernaut · 04/05/2022 08:58

Leave.

He's showing you what he's really like and you are not his therapist.

Thetoasterhasbroken · 04/05/2022 09:02

How long have you been together? Has he ever shown any behaviour similar to this during your relationship? If he has never wanted to be a father because of something from his past this may trigger something big. Unless he opens up to you then you really only have half a relationship.

Swayingpalmtrees · 04/05/2022 09:03

No one has flipped a switch, he had some news that didn't agree with him and this is how he is.

Pay attention, you are now looking at the true person, and you don't like what you see? Be glad you do not have a child with him and can walk away and never see him again (which is what the mother of his child clearly tried to do, tells you everything you need to know about this man)

PetersRabbitt · 04/05/2022 09:10

That’s quite big news!! I imagine a lot of people wouldn’t handle news like that well if I’m honest.

knowinglesseveryday · 04/05/2022 09:15

I agree with Swayingpalmtrees.

GalactatingGoddess · 04/05/2022 09:17

Agree with the other posters.
He is showing his true self now that he is facing some adversity/circumstances which have rocked him.

How did he find out about his child?

Original poster

KittyKat200 · 04/05/2022 09:21

I don’t know. He has never been like this before. We are together 3 years.
Yes I know why he never wanted to be a father and I understand his reasons and I think he is right having decided this way..
He does easily get annoyed but generally stays calm and he definitely doesn’t walk around shouting at people.
The mother contacted him to tell him and made it clear that she wishes no engagement from him but that the child is at an age where it might reach out themselves. I guess it must be both a shock and also hurtful to be getting such news, so I understand that this pulled the rug from under his feet. But he needs to do something to manage this and I don’t think he knows what to do..

OP posts:

Honeyroar · 04/05/2022 09:25

How long have you been together?
I think you need to tell him that he needs to see a dr and get signed off work and hopefully referred to someone. Tell him you are trying to be supportive because you know he’s had a shock, but he’s going to destroy his whole life if he carries on, lose his job and his relationship..

TaranThePigKeeper · 04/05/2022 09:25

A man who behaves like this, who also has ‘a history of violence’, is not the sort of person you can build a secure future with.

I am not surprised that the existence of a child has been kept from him. If he is this volatile, and also violent, who would even consider allowing him to spend time alone with a baby or child? You wouldn’t feel it was safe at all. What if a child did something to stress him, and this was his reaction?

I would cut your losses and end the relationship.

doingitforthegirls · 04/05/2022 09:25

I'm going to go against the other posters and say I don't believe these are his true colours - but you know him best. Just because he's a man who has lost his temper recently doesn't make him violent and abusive. He's dealing with a life altering situation that's been landed on him presumably out of the blue. I'd defy anyone else to carry on acting normally in this situation - I think we'd all be a bit knocked for six. All you can do is coax him back into therapy if he won't go that's another matter.

Honeyroar · 04/05/2022 09:26

Ps my mum had a breakdown and it was like a switch flipping. A different person.

Original poster

KittyKat200 · 04/05/2022 11:31

He is attending therapy but his therapist is on annual leave and he doesn’t want to deal with someone else. Maybe it’s just a perfect storm that needs to pass.
If he shouts at me again I might leave for a few days.
I have never seen him violent but he has talked about his past. Some of it was quite bad but at least he is forthcoming with this and said that it had been unacceptable. I just don’t like this situation because it’s so volatile.
Thanks everyone

OP posts:

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 04/05/2022 12:17

If he's losing his shit at work then I really would suggest seeing his GP and getting signed off temporarily until he can regulate his emotions. Getting into trouble at work is just going to make everything else worse.

When is his therapist back? If it's a couple of weeks then it makes sense to hang on. If it's more than that then potentially seeing someone else might be helpful, but I do get that it's hard once you've built up a trust with one therapist. It's not like me seeing a different hairdresser because my regular one is off. There's a huge background here clearly.

First and foremost though you do need to take care of yourself and if he continues taking it out on you then I think you're absolutely right to remove yourself from the situation.

emmakenny · 04/05/2022 13:06

Leave him before he turns on you. Hopefully he won't try to gain any access to this poor child.

emmakenny · 04/05/2022 13:08

Oh I see the child is at an age that they may reach out themselves.
One can only hope that they'll get the measure of this violent, unstable man soon. It's entirely understandable that the mother of this child kept them away from your dp. He is too much of a risk.

gannett · 04/05/2022 13:26

MN with that renowned empathy for mental health issues yet again. Well, one's own mental health issues are taken extremely seriously here; anyone else's mark them out as a dangerous and unstable person and you should get away from them.

The moment you wrote "history of violence" you'd have had the exact same comments regardless of what the current situation actually is. I can understand why, of course. Being in a relationship with a man who has that history is a risk. But I assume you made your choice when you got into the relationship. His commitment to therapy and never being violent around you are good signs. The minute the latter changes, you know you should leave.

That said, this news has understandably had a huge negative effect and he needs professional help to deal with it. How long is his therapist away for? If they're back in a week you could wait til then. If longer I'd get him to a GP. Yes, seeing/talking to someone other than his trusted therapist won't be easy, but that's a line you need to hold.

Your decision to go away for a few days if he shouts at you again is a good one.

Original poster

KittyKat200 · 04/05/2022 13:35

I don’t think he has ever been involved in domestic violence to be fair. As I said I have never seen him involved in any violent acts and I just know from him that he used to be bad. I’m just worried at this character change but maybe he just needs time.
I think he is terrified of the situation and it manifests strangely. He is normally super calm when tension is high and makes decisions, so I really think he doesn’t know how to handle this.
He knows his therapist and they will be back in a few weeks, so I’ll just leave the topic.

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 04/05/2022 14:00

KittyKat200 · 04/05/2022 08:47

That’s the thing…he isn’t usually like this. It’s like someone flipped a switch.

Have you considered that the thing might indeed be that he is like this and usually manages to hide it.

Ideally, people are not violent, physically and verbally because it's not a good thing to do, rather than because nothing has upset them recently.

Is that true for him or does he use the excuse of this news to revert to type.

emmakenny · 04/05/2022 14:09

KittyKat200 · 04/05/2022 13:35

Make a Claire's law application and find out for sure.

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