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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he having a breakdown?

38 replies

KittyKat200 · 04/05/2022 08:10

I dont think this is the right forum but I want to try anyway.
My BF recently found out that he is a father, which had been kept from him for years. Ever since I met him he had been adamant that he never wanted to be a father and for a variety of reasons.
Since he found out he has been insufferable - he is aggressive, constantly angry, and confrontational. I understand that this must have come as a shock and that it will take time for him to take this in, but I am quite worried about this.
He has psychological problems which we don't discuss properly, but he is in therapy. His therapist is on holiday and when I suggested he'd talk to someone else he almost chewed my head off. He apologised afterwards and said he was sorry for shouting at me.
When I say I'm worried I don't mean that I think he'd harm himself, but he is impulsive and can be quite difficult if he doesn't get his way. He's also had, by his own admission, a history of violence which only stopped when he eventually started accepting help.
He went to work yesterday and managed to shout a colleague down in the middle of the office floor....and we're talking about 2 people at director level in a very big company :(
I don't really know what to do...has anyone been in this situation before, or does anyone know what can be done, at least until he gets to speak to a professional? I might be overreacting but this is not the person I recognise but someone else entirely :(

OP posts:
Original poster
KittyKat200 · 04/05/2022 15:09

How long does this take until you get a response?

OP posts:
KirstenBlest · 04/05/2022 15:16

Clare's Law disclosure will not show everything.
if he has assaulted someone, it might not show, as DV is only used when bothh partners live together

LaingsAcidTab · 04/05/2022 15:44

KittyKat200 · 04/05/2022 11:31

He is attending therapy but his therapist is on annual leave and he doesn’t want to deal with someone else. Maybe it’s just a perfect storm that needs to pass.
If he shouts at me again I might leave for a few days.
I have never seen him violent but he has talked about his past. Some of it was quite bad but at least he is forthcoming with this and said that it had been unacceptable. I just don’t like this situation because it’s so volatile.
Thanks everyone

Everything else aside, it's not a good idea at all to go to another therapist while your therapist is on leave. The leave isn't just for the therapist: it's also for the patient, to see how they fare and whether they can manage themselves in the therapist's absence. He's been hit by a huge crisis (it's amazing how these seem often to time perfectly with the therapist being away), and he'll be able to work in therapy both with what's come up, and his inability to handle it well.

5128gap · 04/05/2022 16:18

doingitforthegirls · 04/05/2022 09:25

I'm going to go against the other posters and say I don't believe these are his true colours - but you know him best. Just because he's a man who has lost his temper recently doesn't make him violent and abusive. He's dealing with a life altering situation that's been landed on him presumably out of the blue. I'd defy anyone else to carry on acting normally in this situation - I think we'd all be a bit knocked for six. All you can do is coax him back into therapy if he won't go that's another matter.

Its not been landed on him out of the blue. The heavens didn't open and a teenager drop into his lap. Some time in the past he failed to take responsibility for preventing himself becoming a father, and now its caught up with him. He has no right to be angry with anyone but himself. He might not like it, but if he had a shred of decency his thoughts would be on the young person he caused to be born, and the mother who has raised that person alone. His reaction to this says all OP needs to know about the man he is.

Original poster
KittyKat200 · 04/05/2022 17:05

Thanks I didn’t know that. I will leave the topic and “just” react if he treats me inappropriately.

OP posts:
mamabeeboo · 04/05/2022 17:28

The thing is OP, it's easy to act like a good guy when everything is going swimmingly. When shit hits the fan, THAT is what defines the type of person someone is. THEN do they remain calm? Do they react? Do they turn violent?

You need to judge based on when things don't go well, not when things are fine.

My DH received some pretty horrific news earlier on this year. You could see he was absolutely fuming and RAGING. He was unable to sleep and eat, the situation was bothering him so much. But he didn't raise his voice, act out, make me feel unsafe, question who he was etc. He said himself, he is able to control and manage his emotions.

Original poster
KittyKat200 · 04/05/2022 18:37

As I said: I know to some extent why this is such a big deal to him and I can understand the reasons. I’ll give him time but will put an end to it when he oversteps a line. You are right that I cannot help him with this unfortunately.

OP posts:
emmakenny · 04/05/2022 19:02

KittyKat200 · 04/05/2022 18:37

As I said: I know to some extent why this is such a big deal to him and I can understand the reasons. I’ll give him time but will put an end to it when he oversteps a line. You are right that I cannot help him with this unfortunately.

Why are you with a thug?

FinallyHere · 04/05/2022 19:10

KittyKat200 · 04/05/2022 17:05

Thanks I didn’t know that. I will leave the topic and “just” react if he treats me inappropriately.

Perhaps put some effort into building up a fund so that you can get away quickly if you need to.

I'm not sure I would ever be able to relax having seen what he is capable of when upset. I'm with those who say that you see the real person, what sort of person someone is, when things are going badly. As PPs have pointed out, it's easy to be nice when things are going your way. What we need is someone who doesn't take out his frustrations on the people around them.

All the best

YRGAM · 04/05/2022 19:24

This is a huge shock for anyone, it's hardly outside the realms of possibility somebody would have an extreme psychological reaction to it. It's up to you if you want to support him through it

Original poster
KittyKat200 · 05/05/2022 07:47

I think he has lost it somehow. He’s calmer but still agitated and seething and insisting that this woman planned all of this to get back at him. It makes no sense..the child is a young teenager at this stage. I cannot understand his viewpoint at all and whatever way I look at it it’s unhealthy and somehow deluded.
I’ll visit my family for the weekend I think, but it leaves me with an uneasy feeling.
He is not stupid but suddenly his vision is all warped and turned upside down. I won’t get dragged into this though. Hopefully this will pass soon.

OP posts:
emmakenny · 05/05/2022 14:11

KittyKat200 · 05/05/2022 07:47

I think he has lost it somehow. He’s calmer but still agitated and seething and insisting that this woman planned all of this to get back at him. It makes no sense..the child is a young teenager at this stage. I cannot understand his viewpoint at all and whatever way I look at it it’s unhealthy and somehow deluded.
I’ll visit my family for the weekend I think, but it leaves me with an uneasy feeling.
He is not stupid but suddenly his vision is all warped and turned upside down. I won’t get dragged into this though. Hopefully this will pass soon.

You're knowingly putting yourself at risk now. You've been told and given the information to help yourself and you don't want it.

layladomino · 05/05/2022 16:38

I can understand why he would be shocked to find out he has a teenage child, but blaming the mother for doing it 'to get back at him' is just nonsense. What did he do that was so bad that he thinks she would have a child, not tell him for 15 years then tell him, just to get back at him??

This might be hard on him but he has no right to take it out on you. I think I would distance myself for a while if I were you and see what happens next. You have tried to help and it hasn't worked, and this isn't your problem to solve. We all want to support our loved ones when they're going through tough times but he's just punishing you for trying.

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