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Original poster

New boyfriend always late

46 replies

Fuzzyhippo · 03/05/2022 19:52

So I've been seeing someone for about a month, quite soon after my ex of 6 years ghosted me so I ended it.

I've never actually seen him during the day, only ever past 7:30 because he works although never actually told me what he does. Only problem is his excuses are pretty pathetic as he's late mostly every single time. Tonight we were meant to be going to the pictures at 8, and he said he'd be here before 7:30. I've just recieved a message saying sorry he fell asleep when he spoke to me about 20 minutes before saying he'll leave soon just making dinner.

I don't want to think too much into it but I don't feel very confident that it'll go very far. Been told he's been seen driving another woman around and he claims it was his 9 year old sister, but surely you can tell apart a 9 year old from a grown woman.. Another problem is for the first 2 weeks he was saying he didn't want a relationship as he wasn't ready, but then a few days later claimed he loved me so I really don't know what to feel. He's a few years younger than I am, only ever dated older so could just be down to immaturity.

Am I being reasonable to feel something isn't quite right here?

OP posts:
Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 03/05/2022 19:58

OP,
When someone is persistently late what they are telling you is "my time is more important than yours".
This guy is bad mannered, disrespectful and just downright flaky.

Don't waste any more of your time on a guy who's just half-hearted about seeing you.

You deserve better than this.

Rainbowqueeen · 03/05/2022 19:59

In your shoes I’d do the freedom programme and think about what your standards are in a partner. You do know that you are a worthy person who doesn’t need to accept any old rubbish that someone throws your way don’t you???

This guy is a walking red flag and a woman who was in the right headspace to date and who had standards would realise that. End it immediately and spend some time learning to identify red flags. One is someone who says I love you too early and whose actions don’t show love. That’s this guy.

supercali77 · 03/05/2022 20:00

Hes flaky at the very least. A month in hes supposed to be impressing/woo'ing you no? Why not just save yourself years of figuring out if he means what he says/whether he will turn up/is that really was his niece in the car and end it?

billy1966 · 03/05/2022 20:00

Why would you tolerate this rudeness?

We teach people how to treat us.

You are teaching him that you have low standards and will put up with bullshit.

Someone can be late once, but the next time, you just cancel.

You are wasting your time.

WhiskerPatrol · 03/05/2022 20:02

He's probably late because he's busy putting his kids to bed. Catch yerself on!

MrsH1983 · 03/05/2022 20:03

I dated someone like this and it got to the point where fixing his dishwasher on Christmas Day was more important than seeing me. He put himself first in every way and thought I was being too emotional or sensitive if I didn't accept his behaviour. I had to slot into his schedule. No exaggeration, he literally penned me into his diary when he had time. I would say run for the hills.

In contrast, my now husband walked 6 miles just to see me as he couldn't afford the bus fare at the time. He made huge efforts to spend time with me.

Watch behaviours because they speak far louder than words.

Watchkeys · 03/05/2022 20:03

Why do you care if it's reasonable to feel the way you do? Are you trying to follow a set of rules? Or to be normal?

MrsH1983 · 03/05/2022 20:07

The fact that he won't tell you where he works or what he does is a red flag.

DatingDinosaur · 03/05/2022 20:08

A month in and he's telling you he loves you? Bleaughh.

He's always late with flakey excuses? Bleaughh.

He's most likely lied about being seen with another woman? Bleaughh.

He's never told you what his job is (presuming that you've asked)? Bleaughh.

It's been said before on MN but I'll say it again - if something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. Don't fall into the trap of making excuses and trying to justify his odd behaviour. Trust and respect your instincts.

scoobydoo1971 · 03/05/2022 20:09

Occasional lapses in time keeping are ok. Events happen that can impact everyone. However, repeated acts tell you how much he values you as a person, and your time. It is a matter of his respect for you. Since he doesn't show you any, you have to find the respect for yourself to walk away from him. It is easy for a man to tell a woman he 'loves' her when he wants sex, attention, validation and so on...actions are louder than words, everytime.

MrsH1983 · 03/05/2022 20:10

Rainbowqueeen · 03/05/2022 19:59

In your shoes I’d do the freedom programme and think about what your standards are in a partner. You do know that you are a worthy person who doesn’t need to accept any old rubbish that someone throws your way don’t you???

This guy is a walking red flag and a woman who was in the right headspace to date and who had standards would realise that. End it immediately and spend some time learning to identify red flags. One is someone who says I love you too early and whose actions don’t show love. That’s this guy.

I disagree with the love part. My DH told me he loved me on the first date after several hours together and here we are 8 years later and happy as ever.

In the OPs case though, he went from cold to hot far too fast which tells me he is actually emotionally unavailable. He may be saying the love you part to keep you sweet and invested.

SunshineAndFizz · 03/05/2022 20:16

Lots of red flags here.

Won't tell you where he works.

Never sees you during the day (what, he works 7 days a week?)

Really lame excuses for being late.

Only a month in and not putting the effort in to impress you/happy to make you wait.

Thank you. Next.

seensome · 03/05/2022 21:17

He's very inconsiderate of your time, sure occasionally lateness can't always be avoided but every time isn't on.

You don't know basic things like where he works after knowing him a month, why isn't wanting to get to know you properly, something to hide? possibly or doesn't want to get emotionally close to you.

Someone saw another woman in his car and he says it's his 9 year old sister, that would be a hard mistake to make.

Trust yourself when it doesn't feel right, it's not. In the nicest way, don't be a mug and put up with half arsed interest. Keep looking.

Cliftontherocks · 03/05/2022 21:19

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 03/05/2022 19:58

OP,
When someone is persistently late what they are telling you is "my time is more important than yours".
This guy is bad mannered, disrespectful and just downright flaky.

Don't waste any more of your time on a guy who's just half-hearted about seeing you.

You deserve better than this.

Bin him off

Raychelle · 03/05/2022 21:23

This screams married to me I’m afraid!

badhappening · 03/05/2022 21:36

Bin him off.
Once a twat always a twat.

MatchPoint100 · 03/05/2022 21:46

Had this with a friend. ALWAYS late. Felt like he was doing it on purpose. I should have just nipped it in the bud. I even went late one time knowing he'd be late and he was even later.

Don't be afraid to assertively say it is not okay and if he continues then eject.

Like another poster said, they feel their time is more important than yours. If they need more time, then meet later. I'm never late, I hate to keep people waiting, it's rude inn my books. Sometimes I might be but I communicate this and it is very rare.

Cannot stand this and I should have assertively said something.

ValerieCupcake · 03/05/2022 21:51

I read a book yesterday. Well I started it. The author says she "kept attracting men who met me at the limits I'd placed on myself when it came to my belief of what I felt I deserved."

That rang so true with me. I was like that. I kept attracting tools like this guy. I even married one of them. Tell yourself you deserve better than him, because you do. He is a walking talking. living neon red flag with whistles, bells and sparkles on.

DaisyStPatience · 03/05/2022 21:52

This guy has more red flags than China but I have to disagree with the assertions that latecomers think their time is more important than other people's. I am chronically late despite my best efforts, I am neurodivergent and the combined effect of my symptoms means it's impossible for me to consistently be on time. Far from thinking I'm more important than anyone else, it makes me feel a complete sack of shit and deeply ashamed when I'm late. There's no arrogance or selfishness about it.

yousexybugger · 03/05/2022 21:54

Blowing hot and cold and mucks you about every time you're supposed to meet? Sod that, he's a mess.

Also, is he evasive about work or have you just never asked?

The woman in the car, I couldn't be bothered hanging around to find out the truth there if he's told a porky about it being a child, provided you believe the source. Any number of reasons he might have had a woman in the car, but that's a really stupid lie and it insults your intelligence.

I think you're right in saying he's immature. Next.

KettrickenSmiled · 03/05/2022 21:55

Am I being reasonable to feel something isn't quite right here?

Seriously?

He is constantly late, flaky, won't tell you what he does for a living, plays headgames with his "I don't want a relationship/I love you" bullshit, & other people have warned you he's womanising.

How have you managed to stick around for this loser for a whole month?

FriedTomatoe · 03/05/2022 22:00

If it feels wrong it means it is. You're not that far in. I'd finish it before it goes any further.

HollowTalk · 03/05/2022 22:09

I bet my house he's got someone else. Even if he didn't, why the hell would you want this guy?

NameGoesHere · 04/05/2022 06:08

Ditch him.

Kanaloa · 04/05/2022 06:29

MrsH1983 · 03/05/2022 20:10

I disagree with the love part. My DH told me he loved me on the first date after several hours together and here we are 8 years later and happy as ever.

In the OPs case though, he went from cold to hot far too fast which tells me he is actually emotionally unavailable. He may be saying the love you part to keep you sweet and invested.

Show quote history

But realistically there’s no way you could have a genuine and healthy love for someone you’ve been on half a date with. For me that would signify a man who was emotionally immature at best. Of course if you knew each other previously it’s a bit different.

Anyway ditch him. He won’t even tell you where he works, likely to make sure you can’t contact him and out him to his partner and kids when he ditches you.