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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this the end?

36 replies

whattodonext22 · 03/05/2022 18:19

Me and my partner have a one year old boy. Our relationship has been amazing but lately, I feel empty and alone. DH spends most of his time gaming until 10pm where he suggests we watch something on the tv which I explain it's too late and I'll be heading to bed soon. When he's NOT on his game, the rare occasion, he will fall asleep and that's our evening finito.
Our sex life is non existent. He only shows an interest in me or wants to spend time with me if he wants sex, once all said and done, then it's back to being left in the lurch waiting for him to pay me attention. We had an argument recently as I was in the house all day, DH then decided to watch porn a second after I closed the door, hadn't even pulled off the drive - he didn't even attempt to try it on with me which hurt seen as sex is so rare.
I go to bed scantily clad or even naked and he doesn't bat an eye at it. I almost feel at this point I'm invisible.
Im fed up of having the same convo, only for it to get better for a week or so and then revert to its old ways. The most frustrating thing about it is once I threaten to leave, as I cannot keep doing this to myself, his true emotions come out, he becomes very upset and tells me how much I mean to him, but why does it resort to this to get some sort of emotion from him?
He's not a big talker about problems in fact having deep meaningful conversations is pretty much a waste of time. I feel like every day I'm sitting here waiting for some attention which never comes.

OP posts:
EatingMonster · 03/05/2022 19:10

How long can you keep fighting for his attention?
He doesn't take you seriously. He doesn't respect your feelings, why be with someone like that? If he cared ultimately, then his behaviour would change.
Make a list. What do you get out of the relationship?
The conversations where his "true feelings" appear sound more like he places the guilt onto you. You carry the guilt of him not stepping up and therefore feel you can't leave.

whattodonext22 · 03/05/2022 19:33

@EatingMonster I know, I feel like I'm very much at the end of my tether with it all.
DS is an amazing man whom I love very much, but I do feel invisible. I can confidently say I'm not gullible nor naive, polar opposite in fact, so when his true emotions come out, I am positive they are sincere but it's like he becomes complacent time after time - I'm not sure whether he's having an affair or if he's genuinely not seeing any wrong doing on his part. He looks extremely worried when he thinks he has upset me, and if he knows he has upset me then I get the man I fell in love with.
He does provide a lot to the relationship, and works extremely long hours and maybe I'm being unreasonable? But this happens on weekends when he gets a lie in so the excuse doesn't wash with me on those days.
I'm just at a loss right now

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 03/05/2022 19:34

He doesn’t seem very engaged in your relationship or in love with you anymore

whattodonext22 · 03/05/2022 19:36

@Shoxfordian I agree, I've asked time and time again if he's fallen out of love with me and he reassures me every time that he is still very much in love with me and is attracted to me. But his actions argue that every single time

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 03/05/2022 20:00

Have you fallen out of love with him?

RandomMess · 03/05/2022 20:03

Is he just being lazy and selfish?

Book some couples therapy and ask him to work through it with you because if it fundamentally doesn't change then your relationship is going to die a death. Therapy is cheaper than divorce!

whattodonext22 · 03/05/2022 20:05

I'm not sure. when we have our good days, I love him to death but it just feels like every day is a day I resent him more than I love him

OP posts:
Minimalme · 03/05/2022 20:05

The 'true emotions' are rather handy for shutting you down aren't they?

His sad little face tells you he loves you and stops you talking. Presumably so he can get back to watching porn and gaming.

whattodonext22 · 03/05/2022 20:08

@RandomMess possibly, I always feel like I'm his last option. He laps it up if he is going out with his friends yet when I mention something for us to do, I feel like I'm practically forcing him.
I've suggested that he plans some things but his response is 'I don't know what to suggest, you're good at planning stuff.'
Think therapy is probably the best option but I know he won't open up. If I can't get him to open up to me in a simple conversation, what chance have I got in therapy?

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 03/05/2022 20:08

The most frustrating thing about it is once I threaten to leave, as I cannot keep doing this to myself, his true emotions come out, he becomes very upset and tells me how much I mean to him, but why does it resort to this to get some sort of emotion from him

This is manipulation. If you meant that much to him, he'd be behaving differently throughout the relationship. The fact is, he behaves in this 'true emotions' way when he needs to pull a stunt that'll stop you leaving, because he doesn't want the hassle. He'll have his 'true emotions' until he's got you back where he wants you (ie, you've stopped bothering him), and then he'll miraculously not have his 'true emotions' any more. Does that sound about right?

You need to open your eyes. If his true emotions were as he presents them, he wouldn't switch them on and off. The reason it doesn't make sense is because it's not true.

Watchkeys · 03/05/2022 20:12

I can confidently say I'm not gullible nor naive, polar opposite in fact, so when his true emotions come out, I am positive they are sincere

Not meaning to sound unkind, but what gives you such confidence? You're saying yourself that his actions don't match his words. Why do you think you know better than the tried and tested method of 'Believe a person's actions, not their words', and 'Words are cheap', etc?

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 03/05/2022 20:14

He is not in the same universe as 'amazing'. He sounds boring and selfish. What a trope, gaming and porn, yawn - loser. I would hate my child growing up with that as his role model.

Ithinktomyself · 03/05/2022 20:17

I am in a very similar situation. I'm upstairs now, laying on the bed and avoiding the living room because DH is engrossed in his stuff and barely even acknowledges me when I go in. He literally never asks me how I am or what's going on with me and it became clear at the weekend that I am little more than an irritation to him. At least yours does seem to want you around sometimes.

Sorry, no help but sympathy. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

RandomMess · 03/05/2022 20:19

He doesn't necessarily need to open he does need to hear how much his behaviour is hurting you, how you are prepared to end it and that is behaviour is selfish and actions matter.

whattodonext22 · 03/05/2022 20:21

@Watchkeys
I understand what you mean and reading it back, I've probably not worded it great.
I know I probably sound like I'm easily led, but I do honestly believe he is sincere in what he says and when he becomes upset.
I'm not the easiest to be with, I know that and DH deserves a medal for dealing with my bad and good days, and maybe that's what's pushed him away.
I just don't know how much I can keep on fighting for our relationship, when it's just constant bickering because I'm slowly starting to resent him. Aside from the above, our relationship is truly great, but I feel like I'm one move away from destroying our relationship if someone else was to provide that closeness that DH isn't clearly providing.

OP posts:
whattodonext22 · 03/05/2022 20:24

Watchkeys · 03/05/2022 20:12

I can confidently say I'm not gullible nor naive, polar opposite in fact, so when his true emotions come out, I am positive they are sincere

Not meaning to sound unkind, but what gives you such confidence? You're saying yourself that his actions don't match his words. Why do you think you know better than the tried and tested method of 'Believe a person's actions, not their words', and 'Words are cheap', etc?

I'm probably not as confident as I made out there, but I am critical and forever self doubting someone's words or actions so when I believe them then, in my eyes, it's probably true since I don't really believe peoples words.

OP posts:
whattodonext22 · 03/05/2022 20:26

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea I don't agree with you there and think that's quite uncalled for. DH is an amazing father and aside from the gaming/ lack of attention, I would be so proud of DS if he was anything like DH.

OP posts:
Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 03/05/2022 20:28

"DS is an amazing man"

Errr noooo, he isn't. He's intimacy avoidant, emotionally unavailable and probably has a gaming/porn addiction.

Ask yourself just what you are getting out of this non-relationship? After that book an appointment with a solicitor and see what your options are.

I was married to someone like this and they don't change - sorry.

whattodonext22 · 03/05/2022 20:28

@Ithinktomyself so sorry to hear that lovely, I hope you find some happiness soon.
I'm currently upstairs too, by choice and he has came up a few times to ask if I'm ok and if I want food/drink.
It's so difficult, sometimes I wish life came with some sort of manual/guide - how easy would that be eh?

OP posts:
whattodonext22 · 03/05/2022 20:30

@RandomMess I've said this all. I've tried the nice polite way, I've tried the harsh way but we end up in this vicious cycle of everything going great and suddenly we are back to square one.
His answer to the no sex is that I could do instigate but why would I do that, when I feel like I'm not wanted?

OP posts:
whattodonext22 · 03/05/2022 20:33

@Thesefeetaremadeforwalking

The gaming addiction I agree with, he agrees he could quite happily stay indoors in the summer playing his game all day every day which I've never understood.
The porn addiction - I don't think so, I've only ever had the one incident and to be honest, he just sleeps...

I do get a lot out of the relationship, he is my best friend and he makes me laugh so much but the constant waiting around for him is becoming draining.
I don't want to split up with him as I do love our relationship aside from the faults, but it is becoming a little unbearable now.

OP posts:
LuluBlakey1 · 03/05/2022 20:37

I couldn't be bothered with all that unhappiness.

whattodonext22 · 03/05/2022 20:38

@Minimalme sometimes maybe. Sometimes the tears shut me up and other times, I've lost my shit and no matter how he seems we are addressing the problem albeit for a few weeks it seems.

The gaming is definitely an addiction. He has quite an addictive personality I think, and loves a routine therefore if we plan something out of the routine, it's like I've pissed in his cornflakes.
The porn, this isn't an addiction. The incident happened once and truthfully, DH falls asleep quicker than I can say 'I'm going to bed.'

OP posts:
whattodonext22 · 03/05/2022 20:40

@LuluBlakey1 I'm not always unhappy, we do have our good days and I feel like I fall more in love with him on those days. DH is my best friend, but sometimes I just feel incredibly lonely.

OP posts:
50ShadesOfCatholic · 03/05/2022 20:42

I can never understand these posts in which women describe the appalling behaviour of their partners and then go on to describe them as “amazing” and “wonderful fathers”.

I mean, that’s just denial.

Feom your description your husband is a gigantic man baby, immature, selfish and emotionally incontinent. Hardly the gold standard.

But only you can change this, clearly he isn’t going to. Why would he? It’s working so well for him.