Is this the end?

[whattodonext22]

Me and my partner have a one year old boy. Our relationship has been amazing but lately, I feel empty and alone. DH spends most of his time gaming until 10pm where he suggests we watch something on the tv which I explain it's too late and I'll be heading to bed soon. When he's NOT on his game, the rare occasion, he will fall asleep and that's our evening finito.
Our sex life is non existent. He only shows an interest in me or wants to spend time with me if he wants sex, once all said and done, then it's back to being left in the lurch waiting for him to pay me attention. We had an argument recently as I was in the house all day, DH then decided to watch porn a second after I closed the door, hadn't even pulled off the drive - he didn't even attempt to try it on with me which hurt seen as sex is so rare.
I go to bed scantily clad or even naked and he doesn't bat an eye at it. I almost feel at this point I'm invisible.
Im fed up of having the same convo, only for it to get better for a week or so and then revert to its old ways. The most frustrating thing about it is once I threaten to leave, as I cannot keep doing this to myself, his true emotions come out, he becomes very upset and tells me how much I mean to him, but why does it resort to this to get some sort of emotion from him?
He's not a big talker about problems in fact having deep meaningful conversations is pretty much a waste of time. I feel like every day I'm sitting here waiting for some attention which never comes.

But you can't just put aside aspects of him. 'I'm so proud of my husband, except for the axe murders, and the fact he never washes...

Your DH knows you're unhappy, and carries on just the same, disregarding your feelings. This is not an amazing person, partner, or father. He's dismissing how you feel, which is rude and emotionally illiterate, and he's making you believe that it's ok, which is manipulative. That's what he's happy to model to your son as acceptable behaviour within a relationship. It's the example he's happy to set.

He's not an amazing father.

DH care for me isn't a reflection on his care for DS. Just because he's probably not in love with me doesn't immediately mean he's an awful father?

I agree, I think he's selfish, a giant child and immature.

I think he could change but maybe I'm not the right person to make him change? Truth be told, I'm scared to walk away from a man I truly love and I'm so scared of making the wrong choice with a child who is dependent and relies on me making the right choice.

But it absolutely reflects on his quality of parenting. No good parent treats the other parent poorly, parenting and partnering are not random and disjointed, they are both family in which relationships should be sacred and nurtured.

lots of people are afraid to leave bad relationships and carry on hoping something will change. It won’t. Keep doing what you’re doing and you’ll get the same outcome, that’s how it works.

@Watchkeys iswym but everyone has faults - everyone is probably proud of their loved ones aside from their faults. Granted some are worse than others.

I don't think his care for me is a reflection on how he treats DS. The days are great, but as soon as DS is asleep, that's when it becomes a problem as that's when I'm forgotten about. I don't think I could ever sit there and call DH a bad father just because i feel like I'm last priority, that's to do with mine and his relationship not the relationship he has with DS.

DH care for me isn't a reflection on his care for DS

Yes, it is. Adults recognise that parenting is about setting an example of healthy self esteem, and healthy adult relationships, for their children. Your partner hasn't recognised either of these things, and it seems that you yourself are ok with setting this poor example to your son of an adult relationship.

Pull your head out of the sand, OP. Your DH is turning on the waterworks (or something similar) to shut you up. Once you've shut up, he goes back to doing what he wants. This is neither a good partner, a good parent, nor an amazing person. Relationships can't be judged on how good they are when they're good; both partners need to be comfortable with the way the relationship handles difficulties and conflict. If the relationship fails at this, the relationship fails.

@50ShadesOfCatholic I kind of agree. I don't think I'm being treated horrifically though, I think DH is selfish, immature and acting like he's a child but again, I still stand by my comment of DH being a great father.

I think you're right, there is only one answer to all of this - just never the one anyone wants to hear.

Just because your son doesn't see him 'forget' about you, doesn't mean you don't feel the consequences 24/7. We all know, including your DH, that if a person is rejected in the evening, they'll feel crap the next day, and he knows your DS will be there when you're feeling crap. A good family man isn't just a good family man until the kids go to bed. That's just more proof that it's manipulation; he switches it on and off.

@Watchkeys - I never looked at it like that. That sheds a whole different light on it.

I'd be responsible for ripping everything from DS though if I walked away. DH would only see DS on weekends due to work and the thought of DS going that long without his dad, who he adores, honestly crushes me

I feel this post is about my ex... he was exactly like this. And I would tell him to leave, he'd be sorry and I'd bring him back, it'd be good for a week or two and then right back to gaming and not spending any time or intimacy with me. This lasted a good two years back and forth, around and around until it made me feel so so low and so lonely that enough was enough and I made him go and never come back. It was hard but it gets easier. Don't be like me and keep trying for years... he won't change.

You would also be offering your son an example of what to do in a relationship that makes you unhappy: walk away.

As adults, we do what was demonstrated to us when we were children. Your son is learning that if you're in an unhappy situation, you stay, even if you get to the stage where you're posting on forums for support, because there are things more important than feeling ok, feeling settled, feeling comfortable, feeling loved, feeling taken care of. Is that what you want him to learn?

The reason I'm so strident about this is because my mum stayed with my dad. They laughed a lot, there was lots of fun and silliness, they got on great. But their relationship had a fundamental imbalance of power, like yours with your DH, and I replicated and replicated their relationship, over and over, into my 40s, until I nearly went mad.

I wish she had left him and shown me that putting your own ease in life at the forefront is a priority. You think that struggling on is doing your son a favour, and that leaving would take everything away from him: it could be the biggest favour you ever do him, and the most valuable lesson he could ever learn... to put happiness first.

no, he is responsible for the relationship breakdown. It’s already happened. Question is do you want to raise your child on dysfunction or do you want to give him a healthy upbringing.

You wouldn’t be the first to choose dysfunction.