I can't believe I went back, now I feel trapped

[icantbelieveimhereagain]

NC for this. I left my partner during the first lockdown and lived alone with my child (not his) and he spent the whole time showing me how much he had changed, being kind and supportive, he got counselling and various other things to prove how much I meant to him and how much he wanted to be with us. So after 18 months we moved back in, and of course a few months in and I realise that he hasn't changed at all. Gaslighting, manipulative behaviour, constantly trying to prove he is right and I am wrong to the point of googling things mid conversation to prove he is right( not that it matters but he is rarely right in these situations) ED that he blames on me, subtle negging, the lot.

Now I feel trapped because all my friends and family are so happy we were back together, my child LOVES living back with him and would be devastated if we left again. I can't escape, i don't really tell people IRL because they all got so bored of hearing about it last time. I did the hard bit before and I just don't think I've got the strength to do it again.

Help :(

I should add, I am and always will be happy on my own, it's more the logistics, cost and emotional upheaval associated with leaving.

Different way of looking at it: the fact that you left once proves how capable you are and that you absolutely could leave now. You are strong and capable and know what to do to leave and live independently.

Not only that but this time you will be stronger because you will know to cut him off entirely when you leave and won't let him back in.

Your friends and family are not living your life. People who love you would want you to be living free from abuse. If they're trying to support you then it makes sense they would have supported you moving back in - because they didn't realise he was an abuser and thought YOU were happy.

Do you really think anybody who cared about you and understood abuse would want you to live like this forever? Simply because they momentarily expressed happiness for you once? I've never met you and I don't want you living like this.

Your daughter will be fine. You're projecting your own fears and emotions onto her. No child would want their parent to stay with an abuser "for them" .

You absolutely can leave.

Look to the positives here -

1. You left him before so you know you can do it
2. He's now proved to you that he isn't ever going to change. You gave him a chance and he's failed.

You know you have to leave again. Don't worry what other people think - is that more important to you than being happy and well in a good relationship? Anyone who loves you will want you to be happy. I would HATE it if a friend or family member stayed with someone who was bad for them to please me! You can explain to thsoe close to you what the truth is,... that he's let you down and is being abusive again. Anyone who thinks you're doing the wrong thing is a) not acting in your best interests and b) therefore irrelevant.

And I'm afraid you have to discount how your child feels here. They are a child. They don't have all the facts. You have to act in both yours and your child's best interests. Staying in an unhealthy relationship is bad for your child. What would you want your child to do if this was them in 20 years time? Do that.

The emotional upheaval of leaving is temporary. It will be unpleasant but it will pass.

Choosing to stay with an abuser and suffering all the emotional harm that causes is permanent. It will be unpleasant and it will last forever.

Don't inflict long term pain on yourself to avoid some short term temporary pain.

It's understandable to feel tired and daunted, but take it one step at a time and you can leave permanently this time. You already have a roadmap of how to do it - the only difference will be that this time you close the door on him completely once you leave.

You can do this.

Well now you know for absolute sure that leaving was the right thing to do. You might have always have wondered "what if?" otherwise.

Time to brace yourself again and get out OP. You can do this, you know you can!

You’ve done it once. You can do it again.

Life is too short to be unhappy. This isn’t about the lives of others and their opinions.

March along to your own band.

Of course you don't want to have to go through all that again. But you're here, posting, because in your heart you know you have to. He did all he had to do, to get you back again, but now he's proved that he is incapable of real change.
So, face the fact, in your own head, that you will be leaving again. Then you can start preparing the way. Maybe mention to a close friend that things are no longer so rosy. That he's started his old ways again. I don't think they'll dismiss you just because you've been through it before. They may well have been waiting to see just how much of a changed man he really is.
And you know your daughter needs to be away from this toxic relationship.
So sorry, but the only answer is to dig deep and find the strength to leave again. At least you know you can do it. You can.

YOU CAN DO THIS

...it's hard when your kid is happy, BUT what makes them happy in the moment, isn't always good for them. More importantly, as they get older they'll see him for what he is & wont thank you for staying with him. Plus YOU COUNT.

You've done it once, you CAN do it again!!

you NEED to do it 🌷

all the friends & family aren't living your life. Just tell them it wasn't working for YOU XX

Thanks everyone, your messages of support have made me cry.

I know I can do it, just need to save a little more money, take some deep breaths, put my big girl pants on and do it.

He outwardly portrays the sweet, kind, softly spoken, unassuming guy like they often do.

So frustrating!

You owe it to your child to create a stable, loving home and atmosphere. The fact it's a logistical nightmare to sort out shouldn't stop you.

Can you ask for help from family?

Rule No 1 - Never go back.

I know, I know. I feel so stupid

I agree with @tackling

look to the positives. Now you won’t be left wondering what if. You KNOW it’s all an act when he behaves well.

And yeah, just because your friends congratulated you doesn’t mean you have to stay.
I congratulated my mate when her then husband reconciled with her. Does mean I’ve changed my opinion that he’s a waste of skin. oddly enough he went on to shag his secretary and run off to the Cotswolds with her. So I THEN. Let my friend know my true feelings on the matter. And bought her several drinks, then several more.

You're not stupid.

Leaving is never easy. Many of us fall in love with the potential of a partner/family and cling to potential but more than likely, things will stay the same. Yes it will be stressful to leave, but stress of leaving will not last forever there is really no easy way of getting around it you have to go through it. You deserve better & something much better is out there for you.

Thank you everyone

Don't feel stupid, lovely.

We've all hoped our abusers would change the way they all promise to, and it's hard to keep walking away because of that hope, but you'll get there. You just got taken in that's all, and next time you leave he won't be able to persuade you to try again, so you will be out of there for good.

You're not stupid, you're a decent human who wanted to believe the best of someone.

Be brave. Your family and friends will understand xx

I could have written this, with some facts changed. My ex DP chucked us out of the family home (I wasn't working at the time so couldn't afford the house on my own) and started a relationship a week after we left (he'd been talking to her before me and DS were chucked out). He then dated her for 6 weeks, with me begging to go back, apologising for my MH breakdown (that he largely caused) - I was a real mess. He had a change of heart and became the dutiful partner I'd always wanted - for six months. Lovebombed me and promised never to treat me that badly again.

The negging, criticisms, drama and anger started around six months later once his honeymoon period wore off and I gained weight and my MH which was OK then became worse again, predictably. He was able to keep up a facade on furlough but once he went back to work he was back to being the person that he promised he never would be again. My final straw was when he pushed our son into the sofa to get him out of the way of the new TV and then abused our son verbally when our son accidentally broke his TV. I left in September, moved back in with my Mum, although I'm nowhere near healed from it and still question myself daily.

He of course maintains I was the abusive one, my MH problems caused the entire thing and he's now in a relationship of 3 months and is moving in with her. He continues to verbally abuse me, accuse and threaten me, and in some ways his abusive behaviour has escalated since we split, particularly since he started the new relationship.

You can absolutely do this - you've shown the strength and bravery once before, and you are showing all those things currently by admitting it hasn't worked. If you hadn't gone back you would have wondered what if - now you know it is an act and that he can't keep it up for any length of time. I was in the same position. Do I regret the decision? Sometimes. Do I want him back? Definitely not.

Also - my friends and family saw how badly he treated me when he split with me the first time and were naturally very concerned when I went back, but were there for me and didn't judge. When I split properly from him last September, they were incredibly relieved.

You were brave enough to leave once. You CAN do it again. Life is too short. Take care.

You're not alone, op.

And you're not stupid.

Overwhelmingly, most women take more than one attempt to leave an abusive partner. Don't beat yourself up it. You don't deserve it and it's not helpful to you.

You showed enormous strength in leaving during that first lockdown, which was the most restrictive one, and an incredibly difficult time to leave. One day you will look back at that time and your mind will boggle at how you achieved it.

As others have said, you've proven to yourself you can do it so you can do it again.

Your friends and family won't be delighted that you stay with this man under these circumstances. If you were my friend, I'd want you to leave again. There is absolutely no shame in being open that he has deceived you.

Don't go around thinking you got it wrong, that you made a mistake. It's not like that where abusive behaviour occurs. He lured you back to him through huge deceit and playing off your desire to do what's best for your little girl. This is all on him.

Now you've learned the truth and will be wise to it when he tries it again.

I get that prospect of leaving must feel daunting, especially so soon after last time. I get that you probably just want to sit back and have some peace before going through all that strain again. Unfortunately, you know you're not going to get it until you're free of him and the sooner the better. The longer you stay with him the more he'll drain your energy.

So. Deep breath. Straighten those shoulders. Hold your head high. You've got this.

I left my ex. For 6 months he worked on convincing me he had changed. We got back together and got married 10 weeks later. Regretted it within a fortnight.. Threw him out before we got to our first anniversary.. You found the strength first time.. Second time you will breeze it.
Your dc needs getting away from him. Clean break.

Sorry to hear you have experienced similar, glad you are free now