DH is soaring ahead, I am disappearing

[Nobody]

This is the first time I've changed my name to post as I really don't want my dh to know this is me. We have two beautiful dss ( 4 and 3) and I am a SAHM. My dh is doing very well at work and has been 'invited' to apply for a promotion which will mean a bit more money but, more importantly, regular overseas business trips.

I'm proud of him and he's a very decent man who I love very much, but I hate the thought of being left to do the parenting while he swans about (his job involves lots of conferences and him being told he is fabulous). He will get to see places and meet new people, while I'll just sit and rot here at home. We have no family nearby, so when he's away it's just me and the boys. I can't see how I'll be able to develop a work or social life for myself if he's not around to help with the children.

I know that's petty and mean minded of me, but I can't face night after night of hoping for a snatched international phone call between business dinners (and all that they entail IYKWIM) while I can't even leave the house. I'm just convinced that if he gets this promotion it means a slowly eroding relationship for us.

I know I'm sounding sorry for myself, but I wondered if any of you manage to hold together a successful marriage while one of you has a career and the other only speaks to adults on the school run. Sorry for the self-pity.

Nobody - I'm afraid I'm not much help on the advice front as I'm not in your position.

However, just wanted to say that I can understand how you feel and I don't think you should be sorry for feeling this way - I would too!

It must be very difficult because while not wanting to hold back dh's career, of course you don't want to end up doing 99% of homelife on your own. I really don't know how women do it without support from a partner.

I don't know what the answer is, I don't know what I'd do, but just wanted you to know that I understand where you are coming from.

I don't blame you for worrying, Nobody, and I do sympathise, though my experience isn't quite as extreme as yours. My dh works from home as a writer: we've made sacrifices for him to do this, which have mostly entailed him being shut away upstairs for 16 hours a day while I've brought our 3 children into the world and look after them. His career is progressing, in fact, this week he's in London delivering his second book to his publisher. Cue lunches on other people's expense accounts, lots of socialising and luvvy attention. And where am I? 200 miles away in a village where I realise I have have no real friends like those in London, or family, in every night with my children.

I often feel like a drudge: I work very hard at home, and it's my support that has helped him get to where he is now, but I don't get the recognition. Though, I must be fair, and dh is wonderful and does appreciate me hugely. But part of one's self-esteem is measured by how other people see you. And there's only so much "yes, I'm very proud of dh, he's very clever/successful etc etc" one can take.

The one big difference I have with you, is that at least (most of time!) my dh is here and does help with children when he can. I'd be a raving lunatic if he was away all the time. Have you talked to your dh about how you feel? Maybe this new job isn't the right thing for all of you? Would he understand that?

Have you tried talking to him about your concerns?

Nobody, I think you've hit the nail on the head for me! I am in a similar situation (we came to the UK for my DH to get his PhD). He's doing really well, has a wonderful job, and goes to conferences all over Europe, while I stay at home with DD and pet menagerie.... It's very hard not to feel resentful at times. But it's helped me to talk with DH about it --- not that he always "gets it" but at least then I feel like he's trying.

Thanks for not telling me to pull myself together, you two! Ponygirl, yes, that's exactly what it's like as dh is in a creative job, too. Loads of people telling me how great he is and me thinking well yes he is, but helped hugely by me doing all the practical things so that he can be free to be creative. He does appreciate this, but I worry that spending time with other exciting and creative people (ok, women) in an intense environment away from home will just highlight how boring I have become.

Gobbledigook, we have talked about it but he feels he has to go for the promotion and I don't want to heap a load of guilt on him as he does work hard and every penny goes on the family.

You could be me!!! My dh is doing really well at work and is working more and more., Since I has ds I am at home more, now I am a SAHM.

Basically dh does go abroad and does long hours, I have told him in no uncertain terms (right from the beginning of our relationship) that my priorities when I have children is a good family/work ethic and I have always wanted a partner the same. The amount he works at the moment is ok - I can stand it because he is enjoying his career, but if he was promoted and worked more then I couldnt stand it. We would be like ships that pass in the night.

It is all about balance. I think that if you are the sort of person that can deal with long periods of seperation - then cool. I just am not and my dh has always know this and through that we have an understanding!! I hope that makes sense.

I cant really advice you as I am in a similar situation to you - I can just say that you are not abnormal and I totally know where you are coming from. I think when you have a family everybody has to work towards common goals, so talk to your dh about how you see the future.

Also in reverse - if he were a SAHD and you worked how would he feel long term if you were away all the time?
((hugs)) to you

Nobody - I can really relate to this. This was pretty much my situation about 6 months ago. My dh got his promotion and is so much happier now. Yes, he works away more, but I think the promotion was long overdue and he really needed to achieve it after a few times of trying for a new work position and not getting it. Of course, him being happier means that I am, too. My life hasn't changed that much in the last 6 months, but my perception of it has as we both know we're in a new chapter and it's a good one.

Could you take a look at day classes that are on offer in your area and see if anything there interests you? Perhaps you like painting or writing or hill-walking or swimming and you could do this while the children are in school? From my experience, there are always SAHMs who like to have other SAHMs to socialise with, even if it's just a lunch time get-together once a month. If you're worried about not having any back-up child care if you were ill and he was away, what about finding out about local creches, nurseries and child minders to put your mind at rest? What do you think?

So, Nobody, what do you want to do? Do you have any ideas? It can't be long until your youngest goes to school, just enough time for you to plan what you want. Back to a previous career? Something new? Study? I'm really trying not to wish away the next few years, but I am looking forward to the time that I can start having a LIFE of my own, rather than one that's just as an adjunct to everyone else's.

Sorry, maomao posts crossed. I've mentioned my concerns but couched in a casual jokey way tbh. He knows me well enough to know what I'm getting at but I think it's a can of worms he doesn't want to open. And if I tried to stop him developing his career, we'd both stagnate, I suppose.

Actually, I feel miles better knowing that I'm not the only one in this situation. Don't want to drag you all down, though. It's just the thought of change that scares me, I suppose.

This thread has really struck a chord here. DH got a new job last year, and is soaring ahead, doing pretty in-depth technical stuff and getting involved in work I don't even understand. I've got a p/t job that seems nothing in comparison - in fact he made some 'witty' comment last week that wasn't meant at all spitefully, but still rankled because it was true. I've spoken to him, as you have to your dh, and have now decided that I need something for me, and am looking around for a hobby, or some course, maybe at the OU, that I can do from home in the evening. Don't know if that helps?

Not dragging down at all. It's nice to know that there are people to commiserate with, actually! And there's definitely some good advice here, too. So thanks very much for starting this thread!

nobody - could you suggest to your dh that some of the extra money is put to use to buy some childcare so that you get some time to yourself when he's away - whether just to have a break from the kids or to start to begin to develop whatever it is that you want to do in the long-term. I think it's only fair that you should get something out of the situation too and it might help to give you the sense that you are moving on also.

I thought that as soon as the boys were at school I'd be able to have a full time job and share the childcare/income generation with dh, but it's not working out that way at all, as dh's career is taking off in a big way. He's younger than I am and I'm envious as I remember how exciting that was for me when I was working.

I do think that some kind of study would make me feel better about myself and get back some of the confidence he found so attractive. I feel bad that being a SAHM is not as fulfilling as I'd hoped and bad that I can't see a way to change things in my favour. As if I'm failing at both aspects of my life.

Maybe I should train for a career in looking on the bleak side, at least that's something I'm good at

Phatcat, I said that to him this evening - that I hoped the extra income would be enough to buy me some space. He asked me not to be so unsupportive (but then he is filling in the promotion application as I write, so maybe I could have timed it better.

Thanks for your responses - at least I know there are people here in the same boat, I was beginning to feel pretty lonely and he hasn't even posted the form yet!

Similar situation here!

I've been a SAHM since DD1 was born 9 years ago. Have worked part-time in a nursery, and am now doing LOADS of voluntary stuff in a school alongside my OU course as I really want to get into the TA/LSA side of things.

DH, on the other hand has gone from strength to strength in his career. He commutes into London daily (almost 2hr door to door each way) working as an IT Consultant for an International Investment Bank.

His work does involve foreign travel (not that much TBH - probably every 12 weeks or so, last trip in Sept. to Singapore). In January, he's off to Prague.

He leaves the house at 5am, getting home between 6.30pm and 10pm. He was out last Thursday in London for a "do" and stayed overnight on Saturday in Surrey for his boss's 40th birthday bash. (I was invited - couldn't go as 1. my mum is away and she's my babysitter, and 2. I really didn't fancy it!).

He does a lot of work from home in the evening - BUT he does devote his WHOLE weekend to me and the kids (even though he was out overnight on Sat. - he didn't leave here until 6pm on Sat. and was back home at 9am on Sunday).

It used to bug me loads when the kids were small and caused many arguments back then. However, the main difference now is his boss is VERY understanding (has 3 kids himself) and encourages DH to take the odd day off regularly (and doesn't include it in his holiday allowance). As it happens, DH is off on Friday.

Before we had kids, we always knew one of us would stay at home with them - and as I would never in a million years, be able to earn the amount DH does it made sense for me to stay at home. The advantage being now is with the kids off at school - I am in a position to do WHATEVER I want with my life - hence my voluntary stuff/OU course.

It is hard and what Ponygirl says

"I work very hard at home, and it's my support that has helped him get to where he is now, but I don't get the recognition" is very true.

Sometimes I comment to DH that no-one will pat me on the back and say "well done". However, when people compliment us on our children, DH will always say "ah, that's down to Slinky - she's fab with the kids" (particularly when I kick him to remind him )

But the best thing in it all is when the kids say "you're the best mummy in the world, you always do nice things for me" (DS1 over the weekend), and "I'm really glad you're always there to pick us up from school" (DD1 last week) - things like that make it all worthwhile

I think you should be planning what you want for you. Maybe tackle the money-for-childcare issue when it's in the bag and he's feeling like he can afford to be generous! Start thinking how you can change things to make them better. It's what I'm trying to do. And step one: change your name to "somebody". Because you are.

Very good points from Slinky, particularly about the children. Mine are younger, but they always want me and that's lovely, if wearing sometimes! I always knew I wanted to stay at home with my children when they were young: it was the right thing for me and my children and, even though it's turned out harder than I ever expected, I wouldn't change it for the world. And whatever I end up doing later, it really does have to fit in with the school hours. I want to be there to take them to school and pick them up and be here for them when they get home. And judging from Slinky's post, it could all work out pretty well in the end!

Ponygirl - well said. We're all 'Somebodies', and the fact is that if we weren't around at home, we'd be missed far more than the dh's would be if they weren't at work. Nobody is irreplaceable - except a mummy.

Nobody - My dh works long hours in high preassure job. I look after dds. I have to keep in mind that if I wasn't a sahm it would be difficult for him to work the hours he does. We don't have any near by family or good friends (yet!!) in our new area. It's tough sometimes - everyday brings challenges. I have a cleaning service do the house once a week just to stop me feeling burdened by all the cleaning jobs. It makes a real difference to my stress levels. I also do volunteer work in my community - also keeps me in touch on dealing with adults!! Thinking what to do when dds are at school but this is some time away. Good luck with everything. Your dh should be really proud of you xxx

Hello Nobody, just wanted to add my support. My situation is very much like yours - i am a SAHM to my twins age nearly 3 - before i had them i was a higher rate taxpayer with good handbags, now i rely on dh for financial matters. He is at the Bar and earns a very good living for us all, i have a cleaner, a Mercedes, my kids go to nursery 1 day a week so i can have a day to myself, my life sounds perfect... except, dh works extremely long hours for his money, at court, then well into the night at home. he is also standing in the next general election in a winnable seat and goes to his constituency 2 nights a week, all day saturday, and most friday/saturday nights for fundraising do's. that's before you take into account drinks after work, bar social events, etc. We have recently moved and i don't know anyone in my area, plus my daughter is special needs and i can't take her to coffee mornings/playgroups etc as she just screams. I find it difficult a lot of the time with her, and crave adult company. DH realises he is away/out a lot, and says he wants me to be "fulfilled". I have resigned myself to the fact that i won't be able to have "a life" away from my kids until they are in school at age 5, and am doing my best to enjoy these years. Many many people i am sure would kill to be in my position, and if lonliness is the worst thing i have to put up with, then i am indeed lucky. The web has been my lifeline, and this site in particular. Your days of being needed by your children are so few and precious, try to enjoy them, whilst planning what you will do for yourself when you are not needed by them. Look to the future for yourself as much as for them. Good luck.

Agree with MaoMao. You need to talk to your DH and voice your concerns. I would do it on the basis that as you will spend less time together you need to plan things together to make up that time, etc. And when he comes back from these trips away, (sorry to say this, I don't mean to be patrionising) you need to welcome him with open arms, showing you are in control at home, looking after your DS's while he is out/away working so he doesn't have to worry and more importantly, he can't wait to get back to be with you.

Haven't read all the posts so apologize if I'm repeating anything. I think it would be really great for you to find something that you could do that is just for you. Maybe an online course or something? It would give you an outlet besides mothering which, as we all know, can sometimes feel as if it's sucking out every part of our being.

Me again. Dh has been away all week and was due back tonight but has just phoned to say he can't get a train til tomorrow afternoon. The boys have been very good but they're missing him and I had promised he'd be here when they wake up. Some nights I've had texts from him saying he's in a bar at 1am and then his phone's been off all morning. Other times he's called to tell me how much more travelling he'll be doing next year.

And to top it all, I was having a rant to my sister this evening and she said "be careful, you don't want to sound like a moaning wifey he doesn't want to come home to" WTF???

I can see why he would want to come home to a peaceful house with happy children and a smiling wife, who wouldn't, but I'm not some 1950's homemaker fgs - this idea that I should work my ass off to make sure he doesn't feel bad about going away really pi$$es me off. He's a grown up.The only way he is free to leave the country is if I'm not free to leave the house. I didn't sign up for this and I'm seriously considering making myself a single parent full time. At least then I wouldn't resent him for not doing his share.

Sorry for going off on one, but if even my own sister puts dh's needs before mine I'm really on my own. Thanks for reading this far, if you have!

hi nobody, just to let you know i read it and i sympathise. good luck with getting through to him before it's too late - for him i mean.

nobody, sounds like its the travelling, and being in bars until 1am that is really getting to you - it would me too.

What would YOU like to do - apart from being a mum?

Your sister married with kids herself is she? My sleek singleton sister's line in marriage guidance is a bit rich at times too, nobody.
You know, this thread has been such an eye-opener to me. My dh and I are both public sector workers in education, rewarding jobs with low status and paying buttons. We both have to work full-time just to afford the mortgage on our modest house (smaller and tattier than everyone of our friends' the same age as us now), rest of disposable income goes on childcare, we're both constantly zonked and broke, and sometimes it all gets to me and I start feeling sorry for myself. So I wonder what it would be like I had married a Provider with Potential like at least one of dh's college friends has turned out to be. Now I can see what it also brings with it and I am reminded that dh is always around in the evenings and weekends and pulls his weight reasonably willingly round the house.
Nobody and the others on here, I really feel for you all. I think what we all need in the long run is a change in business culture to enable men as well as women to opt for compressed/flexible working, so that success in the workplace is not achieved at the expense of a meaningful home life. Men are still scared to ask for flexible working. I fear that attitude change is a long time coming - maybe our own children will benefit, I really hope so.
I would be as cross as you are tonight Nobody - it really is right out of order. Agree with Serenequeen - hope Mr Nobody wakes up and realises what he's doing to his marriage before it's too late.