DH is soaring ahead, I am disappearing

[Nobody]

This is the first time I've changed my name to post as I really don't want my dh to know this is me. We have two beautiful dss ( 4 and 3) and I am a SAHM. My dh is doing very well at work and has been 'invited' to apply for a promotion which will mean a bit more money but, more importantly, regular overseas business trips.

I'm proud of him and he's a very decent man who I love very much, but I hate the thought of being left to do the parenting while he swans about (his job involves lots of conferences and him being told he is fabulous). He will get to see places and meet new people, while I'll just sit and rot here at home. We have no family nearby, so when he's away it's just me and the boys. I can't see how I'll be able to develop a work or social life for myself if he's not around to help with the children.

I know that's petty and mean minded of me, but I can't face night after night of hoping for a snatched international phone call between business dinners (and all that they entail IYKWIM) while I can't even leave the house. I'm just convinced that if he gets this promotion it means a slowly eroding relationship for us.

I know I'm sounding sorry for myself, but I wondered if any of you manage to hold together a successful marriage while one of you has a career and the other only speaks to adults on the school run. Sorry for the self-pity.

Nobody.
I think you have two problems - the fact that you are not feeling good about being "just" a SAHM and the fact that your dh doesn't really appreciate the role you play in your families success.

I can really relate to the first. Sq and Marina suggested studying as an option to me a while back and I am definately going to start in January (not sure what yet though - it changes on a daily basis). Since I made that decision I have been a lot happier with myself.

On the second problem I am very lucky, because my dh really does appreciate what I do. I am trying to think how he came to this realisation to see if there is anything that could help you to help your dh.
Dh and I both worked in a similar industry. I actually earnt more than he had at the same age until I was 27. That was when his earnings really started to take off, and I made the concious decision to not go for a big promotion because I knew I wanted to have kids and didn't want the really stressful job with lots of travelling/late nights. I say "I", but I think what made it easier from the start was that we discussed and agreed that I would let my career take a back seat to our future family. My dh is really quite traditional, and whilst he always told me that the decision to work or not was mine, I know that he really likes that fact that his children are now looked after by me at home, and that I look after him as well. Was the decision for you to stay at home yours, or is it what your dh wants? If so it might be worth reminding him - and possibly broaching the idea of returning to work and sharing childcare, and all the inconvienience that would entail for him.
I also make an effort to keep up top date with what is happening with dh's career - it's such an important part of his life that I think it is important that I share it. (I'm sounding like one of those submissive wives here but I swear I'm not). So I have a good relationship with his assistant, know where he's going and what he's doing (now I'm sounding paranoid - which I'm not either) and can, and do, help him with work related issues - usually the relationship/management side of things rather than technical stuff.
I do make it easy for dh to be away/out. But I do this because I like to have a meal ready/house tidy, and I am able to do it because his salary enables us to have my dd (2.5) in nursery 2 days a week so all I have to do on those days is look after my very easy baby ds, and clean. Tbh, if his salary isn't enough to buy you free time, then his job isn't actually as important as he obviously thinks it is.
I also take care of all the family finances. I have passwords to all dh's bank accounts and see and keep track of all his credit card statements. He has to ask me to put more money into his current account if he knows he is going to have a particularyly expensive few days. Again, this wasn't done to enable me to check up on him, but it does mean he'd find it difficult to do anything without me knowing

I've been and asked dh about your problems. He actually stopped watching football for me! When I asked why he appreciated what I do, he said "well we are a team aren't we". That is what you need to get over to your dh. My dh's suggestion was that you go away for a weekend, leave the kids with him, and accidentally "forget" to take your mobile. He'll soon appreciate how difficult your job is.

Oh and one other thing that helped me was postings on here a while back from a number of Mumsnetters who have to do lots of client entertaining saying how wearing they found it. You might think he has a wonderful ife, swaning around in restuaurants, but they said that it's not actually as enjoyable as it seems. I still think that I'd prefer a nice meal out to being vomited on by a baby though......

Thanks again, everyone - I've popped back after an evening of fuming and sniffling in front of the X Factor and Jungle. Prufrock thank your dh for me!

We did make the decision together that I should stay at home while the boys are still small. My job wasn't that well paid and it isn't a career I could easily go back to, whereas his has taken off since we had ds1. He's an academic btw, so big kudos and international respect isn't matched with cash, sadly. He does say he sees us as a team, but it sounds a bit hollow when he's shouting it down the phone from a hotel bar IYKWIM.

Thanks for your messages, they really do help me to feel less alone/unreasonable. Maybe I'll take up Prufrock's dh's suggestion - but then again I KNOW I could not be away from the boys and out of contact. Just couldn't do it, not for days at a time. I'll use the next time he's away (all next week ) to plan a life for myself and tell him that he has to find a way to acommodate that if he wants a family home to come back to. Grrr. Cheers