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Original poster

Don’t know what to do.

35 replies

Marie10101 · 01/05/2022 18:12

This is a bit of a long one. Last year my partner and I were looking forward to our wedding that was coming up this July, after three postponements. We also tried to have a baby that unfortunately ended in an early miscarriage and failed for a whole year to get pregnant again.

fast forward to the start of this year and my life and feelings have completely taken a flip. I started panicking about the wedding, Sat my partner down and told him I never want to marry (I cancelled the wedding indefinitely) I also told him that I didn’t want to have children any time soon. I think my feelings for my partner has changed and I can’t get that feeling back. No matter how much I’m trying. I’m 31 now and feel like I’m reverting back into being a teenager, I cry all the time, irritable and have lost all sense of what I want in life. I thought I wanted the marriage and kids, but lately all those feelings have gone down the drain.

Since cancelling the wedding, my partners mum has more or less shunned me (we were extremely close before) I just feel awful and hopeless. Part of me just wants to leave my partner and start life again, but as a 31 year old I feel like I’ve left it too late. I’m just so confused.

My side of the family and friends have been supportive through all this, and bless him so has my partner. I just can’t shake the feeling of wanting to live on my own. Right now I can’t see anyway out of this horrible feeling. It’s like my gut has been telling me something but can’t put a finger on it.

I was just wondering if anyone else is going through something similar? If so what did they do?

xxx

OP posts:
Butterfly944 · 01/05/2022 18:36

Hi

I’m really sorry your feeling this way about everything but I’ve got to say I’m the exact same with my partner.

we have been together for 10 years but something has changed in the past 6 months and I no longer have the same feelings. I’m pushing 30s and want to settle down eventually but just not with the man I’m with now.
I think maybe covid has something to do with it? We all had a massive eye opener to life and relationships/friendships etc. and maybe you have just outgrown your relationship?

Change is good. The hardest part I’m finding is telling my partner all of this and taking the plunge to leave our home.
if only it could be simpler..

Hope you feel better soon x

Threetulips · 01/05/2022 18:38

I think hitting 30 gives you a wake up call! Time of reflection.

if you know you don’t want him, it’s time to move forward.

Catlover1970 · 01/05/2022 18:54

I think you need to let him go. You’ll both be happier

Original poster
Marie10101 · 01/05/2022 18:59

It’s super difficult to let him go, we’ve been together 8 years and he’s a lovely caring person. It’s like one minute I’m content (but I think I’m just used to his company and it feels familiar) the next I just want to end it. I’m giving it some time to really reflect on my feelings towards him and everything at the moment. But my gut it’s certainly not letting this nagging feeling go. I’m scared that if I do end it, I’ll regret it, but if I stay I might regret that too. x

OP posts:
EarthSight · 01/05/2022 19:01

I wonder if any of this is tied to your miscarriage.

Otherwise, it just sounds like your partner isn't right for you.

Littlegreenfrogcake · 01/05/2022 19:04

Trust your gut. I didn't. 11 years later (7 years married) I have two kids and in the midst of a very bitter and difficult divorce.

Dillydollydingdong · 01/05/2022 19:06

Getting married and having DC isn't the be all and end all. Some people live happily as singletons all their lives, and some married people regret getting married at all. Maybe this is a wake up call, and you aren't destined to be married.

Original poster
Marie10101 · 01/05/2022 19:13

Potentially, but later down the year I felt a slight relief. Like I was sort of glad it didn’t work out because of the way I’m feeling towards my partner and everything in life at the moment. It’s just so confusing. x

OP posts:
Original poster
Marie10101 · 01/05/2022 19:18

I really appreciate all your replies. Has anyone separated from a really good, caring guy before?

x

OP posts:
Smooshface · 01/05/2022 19:18

31 isn't too late to start again - and what is the alternative? Marry him out obligation? Stay with him forever? You don't want that, and he deserves to have someone that wants a life with him too.

Every minute you stay is a minute of your new life gone, and you miss opportunities to meet new people.

If you find that you have regrets then might be better that you left at this point rather than had affair or things turned bitter, as could be chance in future if this is just a depressive episode.

Original poster
Marie10101 · 01/05/2022 19:25

You’re right, I just can’t face being with him and the thought of being without him if that makes sense. I feel like I do love him but not in love. He does deserve to be with someone who wants him, I wish I could force myself to be that person. x

OP posts:
Blossom12345 · 01/05/2022 19:27

Hi
Could you be going through a depressive episode since the miscarriage?
just an idea.
good luck with whatever you choose

scoobydoo1971 · 01/05/2022 19:39

I agree with Blossom, maybe you have depression? It can really change your feelings and perceptions. You can do the Goldberg test of depression and anxiety online for free. It is ok to walk away from a relationship that has run its course, and easier to do that without the legal status of marriage. Maybe you could ask your GP about therapy and speaking to someone independent of the situation?

Original poster
Marie10101 · 01/05/2022 19:43

I thought it maybe depression, but to be honest, since not having the pressure of marriage, I’ve kind of gone a bit wild. Made loads of new plans, climbed mountains, raised money for charities. I think if I was depressed I think I would do the opposite? It’s like I have a need to break free from the norm and have adventures. Probably a third life crisis. x

OP posts:
YRGAM · 01/05/2022 19:43

In the kindest possible way, trust your gut and stop wasting your partner's time

Original poster
Marie10101 · 01/05/2022 19:48

@Butterfly944 I’m glad that I’m not alone. The scariest thing I have ever done was tell my partner I didn’t want to marry him. It’s just taking the next step seems unimaginable. I wouldn’t even know how to broach the subject matter. I agree that I could be wasting his time right now, but things aren’t always that simple than to just end it. I’m really trying to work through it before I make a final decision.

OP posts:
fermin · 01/05/2022 20:04

I know exactly what you are going through. As I approached my 30's, I realised that after 8 years I just didn't want to be in a relationship with my partner anymore. We were engaged but I made no attempts to plan the wedding, I also got pregnant and that pregnancy ended and I felt relief. I loved his companionship but there was something missing and I was starting to feel more and more suffocated. I'd watch rom coms and long for that feeling of attraction and romance again. I think I'd just grown out of him. Splitting up was difficult, there was no sparing the hurt and it dragged on for several months before I finally moved out. The grief was quite intense but then I started to feel liberated. My next relationship was just completely different and I didn't have to think twice about marriage and children, it was just right. The big plus is that despite the hurt, the break up was honest and after the pain started to fade and we'd both moved on, we were able to pick up our friendship and mix with our shared social groups at the same time without any weirdness. I still have lots of affection for him.

Alcemeg · 01/05/2022 20:09

Are you bored with him? That's not going to get better as time goes on, quite the reverse. Could it be that now the excitement of marriage planning + the emotional/physical/spiritual rollercoaster ride of the miscarriage (sorry Flowers) are out of the way, you're left with just feeling a bit "meh"?

It's possible for someone to be nice and also a bit dull. You don't have to spend the rest of your life with them just because they're nice.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/05/2022 20:12

Part of me just wants to leave my partner and start life again, but as a 31 year old I feel like I’ve left it too late.

Of course you need to leave your partner, you're not in love with him, and don't be absurd about "left it too late." You're 31, FFS. Your life has barely begun.

One thing, and I'm going to be direct. You are being unforgivably unfair to your partner. You are stringing him along so cruelly, it's shocking. You know this relationship is over. Your feelings for him have changed, which given you were so young when you got with him, it's no surprise. You need to let this man go, now. He, no doubt, is under the impression that things will change for the better, and that's just not going to happen. He deserves someone who loves him and wants to be with him You need to leave him permanently, right now.

Cliftontherocks · 01/05/2022 20:18

Marie10101 · 01/05/2022 19:18

I really appreciate all your replies. Has anyone separated from a really good, caring guy before?

x

Yes but unfortunately I regret it every day. He was wonderful
and kind. I was dealing with my childhood which was abusive and wanted that. Bizarre hey! He married my friend 5 years later and I regret it and love him to this day.

can you get emergency private counselling - you sound like you have anxiety or might have

of course you could meet a wonderful new partner and have the dream but real isn’t like that. Marrying him for me would have given me the stability and love I never had had a child. The argument don’t settle - doesn’t mean being unhappy but equally don’t through away something you can come through stronger

Cantdoitallperfectly · 01/05/2022 20:21

Don’t marry him.
Trust your gut. Go out into that big world and explore! You’re still young and have lots ahead of you. This is the advice I would have given myself at 28 and I wish someone had.

Original poster
Marie10101 · 01/05/2022 20:51

@Aquamarine1029 wow, that is tough advice. I think from an outsiders perspective you’re only reading into you what I have written about how I’m feeling. However, we are all humans, and I wish I could snap my fingers, leave and suddenly everything is fine. I’ve been through a lot with my partner, he had cancer at the very beginning of our relationship and I was there for him. I could potentially be going through a breakdown and to just leave might actually be the worst decision of my life. Yea I feel like I’m not in love him now, but my feelings may change if I work on things. I do love him as a kind, loving person that he is. Maybe I don’t love myself right now so I can’t give him that love. Who knows.

OP posts:
ReadyToMoveIt · 01/05/2022 20:57

It may be harsh but @Aquamarine1029 is right. In your heart you know you don’t want to be with him anymore. It’s unfair to him to keep stringing him along. How old is he? At the moment you’re robbing him of a chance to find someone who truly loves him and wants to spend their life with him.
Yes it’s hard to end it, of course it is. But it’s not going to get any easier the longer you leave it, is it?
And yes, I have broken up with a lovely, kind, caring man before. We had been together for 7 years but I knew he wasn’t the man I wanted to spend my life with. It was hideous. But then I met my husband and he met his wife and we’re both a million times happier than we were together.

Musttryharder2021 · 02/05/2022 06:34

There's a lot of "script" type like statements going on along the lines of "I got rid of the boring, stale X year relationship and then met my husband, married and had children" like it's so simple. It sounds so convenient that the next relationship was apparently the right one, the forever together along with the never ending romance. Would anyone admit anything other than that it had to be the fairytale ending? Maybe some of the second relationships have turned into a convenience when the novelty of the newness wore off as women started to approach the critical childbearing years...

It's difficult to find a partner nevermind someone you're compatible with. There's a saying that familiarity breeds contempt so maybe that's what the issue is in your relationship rather than incompatibility?

ReadyToMoveIt · 02/05/2022 08:22

Musttryharder2021 · 02/05/2022 06:34

There's a lot of "script" type like statements going on along the lines of "I got rid of the boring, stale X year relationship and then met my husband, married and had children" like it's so simple. It sounds so convenient that the next relationship was apparently the right one, the forever together along with the never ending romance. Would anyone admit anything other than that it had to be the fairytale ending? Maybe some of the second relationships have turned into a convenience when the novelty of the newness wore off as women started to approach the critical childbearing years...

It's difficult to find a partner nevermind someone you're compatible with. There's a saying that familiarity breeds contempt so maybe that's what the issue is in your relationship rather than incompatibility?

Even if the OP doesn’t immediately find someone else, or indeed ever, it still isn’t fair to keep her partner in a relationship where she doesn’t actually want to be with him. He deserves the chance to find happiness too.
Staying in a relationship you know isn’t right because you’re 31 and might not find someone else is not a recipe for long term happiness.