Don’t know what to do.

[Marie10101]

This is a bit of a long one. Last year my partner and I were looking forward to our wedding that was coming up this July, after three postponements. We also tried to have a baby that unfortunately ended in an early miscarriage and failed for a whole year to get pregnant again.

fast forward to the start of this year and my life and feelings have completely taken a flip. I started panicking about the wedding, Sat my partner down and told him I never want to marry (I cancelled the wedding indefinitely) I also told him that I didn’t want to have children any time soon. I think my feelings for my partner has changed and I can’t get that feeling back. No matter how much I’m trying. I’m 31 now and feel like I’m reverting back into being a teenager, I cry all the time, irritable and have lost all sense of what I want in life. I thought I wanted the marriage and kids, but lately all those feelings have gone down the drain.

Since cancelling the wedding, my partners mum has more or less shunned me (we were extremely close before) I just feel awful and hopeless. Part of me just wants to leave my partner and start life again, but as a 31 year old I feel like I’ve left it too late. I’m just so confused.

My side of the family and friends have been supportive through all this, and bless him so has my partner. I just can’t shake the feeling of wanting to live on my own. Right now I can’t see anyway out of this horrible feeling. It’s like my gut has been telling me something but can’t put a finger on it.

I was just wondering if anyone else is going through something similar? If so what did they do?

xxx

Most people end up magically find the "one" ..very few end up long-term single...

I don’t believe in the idea of ‘the one’… as if there is just one person in the world who is right for you and you happened to meet him in Basingstoke?
However I’d hope ‘most’ people aren’t choosing to settle with someone they know they don’t love, just so that they’re not alone. It is not fair on the ‘unloved’ partner who could be free to find someone who actually loves them. If you do want to ‘settle’, you should be honest with your partner as to how you actually feel about them so that they are armed with all the facts and can decide if that’s the sort of relationship they actually want for the rest of their lives. If he knew how the OP actually feels about him, he might be the one to decide he deserves better and to leave.
The OP is 31. They have no children, so it’s easier to split. Imagine spending the next 50 years with someone you don’t love? Imagine from his perspective spending the next 50 years with someone who doesn’t love you?

@Musttryharder2021 actually my second relationship that felt right and resulted in marriage and children didn't last longer than 10 years due to infidelity but that's a whole different story and wasn't in "the script". In a way that was far easier to walk away from as there was a genuine reason. Throughout that relationship, however, I never felt the way I did in my first one towards the end which was waking up each day and willing myself to feel a bit differently and hoping my feelings would change.
I think, you need to be honest with yourself OP. It sounds to me that if you continue in this relationship, you could be vulnerable to having your head turned and really end up hurting your current partner.

OP the reason I’m so vocal about it is because I was you, once. In my heart I knew I didn’t want to be with him, but there was no ‘reason’ to split. He was lovely, kind, hard working etc. We got on well.
I would have constant battles in my head… telling myself my feelings would change and that in the meantime I was happy enough. Deep down the truth was that I knew it would be hard to leave, and that he would be distraught.
Then I realised I was doing him a disservice. He was lovely and deserved someone who properly loved him, not someone who had to talk themselves into staying with him.
Im not going to lie, the split was traumatic. But 14 years later I’m now married to someone who I have never questioned whether I want to be with or not.

Thank you for all of your replies. I understand that this makes me look like I’m an awful person for ‘leading’ my partner on. But that’s why I’ve come on here to ask for advice and to see if anyone else has had a similar experience. It’ a very difficult decision to make, that ultimately I don’t want to regret. I’m going to go for counselling as a first step, I’m not someone who gives up easily. There maybe something more underlying in the way I’m feeling. Also I don’t believe in just looking for another partner straight away if we do break up. It maybe that I need some time and space alone for a long time. Marriage and kids are not on my priority list. So we’ll see what happens. Honestly, I do appreciate everything people have said. X

I don’t think you’re awful, I just think you’re in denial. You don’t want to uproot your life and cause upset… understandably.

I’m 31 and single. It’s definitely not too late for me and I’m sad/p*ssed you think this age is over the hill. You can find love at any age!

Let the poor man go and set yourselves free.

You think it's fair that your partner just has to wait around until you decide to finally make up your mind? I wonder how long this will be. Three months, two years? In the meantime your partner will be grasping at straws, hoping you can go back to the way things were, which it won't, and all of this precious time has been wasted. If you need time, fine, but be respectful enough to him to let him go and live his life free from your turmoil. If you end up back together, great.

@Aquamarine1029 I don’t think it’s fair at all, it’s heartbreaking, don’t assume I think it’s fair. I didn’t just suddenly realise I think I didn’t love him. It’s all in waves, some days are good, other days aren’t so good, it’s being human. It’s also not fair to just throw in the towel too, some things are worth fighting for. @Ywnaged I have plenty of single friends in their late 30’s who are happy being single too. I’m not attacking anyone here. I certainly don’t think I’m over the hill. Unfortunately society thinks I’m over the hill but I don’t think I am at all.

@Marie10101 you’re a little contradictory, OP. You don’t think you’re over the hill at 31 but ‘society’ does? If you didn’t care what society thought you wouldn’t be posting. It’s not about being 31/it being too late it’s about your gut screaming at you to let this man go.

Do the right thing and listen to it. Your turmoil will end.