Help me!!! My lifes been a whole lie

[whymewhyme]

Right i dont even know where start.... we were happy like......genuinely happy!!!!or so i thought totaly didn't see it coming!! Cheated on me,had unprotected sex with her, in love with her but it really is a more horrible twisted mess than i can type. Threw him out and now hes cold just keeps saying the love has gone, no care no love there is nothing. Hes cutting me off emotionally he doesn't even care for me qs the motherof his child. I've had to ring him to get him to ask how his own child is. When i ask him anything he's just saying....I've told you this..the love had gone! Wtf...everyone is reeling hes had eveybody fooled. I dont understand how on earth he could act so normal and keep that lie going, we were ttc no 2. Im bereft and he isn't bothered at all, wont give me a strait answere as to how long hes not loved me for at all. Cut me off, keeps saying sorry but its sorry about not ending it sooner not sorry for breaking your heart!!! Hes no where near sorry for the devastation he's caused Theres no genuine remorse, the man i thought i knew would of come back begging for forgiveness ect but NOTHING. Everyone keeps telling me he's going to come crawling back when he realises but he won't.... he feels nothing at all. I dont want him back but everyone was the other half to at least appear genuine or to get the satisfaction of telling them to fuck off.

He's not with her, she doesn't want him either as we have talked and he started their relationship on a lie so he was basicaly it was all for nothing . She's been very forthcoming with info, he told everyone at work we were seperated and staying in the house to co parent! Wtf!!! Double life!!!!. I'm cut to my core i don't know who ive been living with, im not wearing rose tinited specs we were so so happy! I'm floored!

There is way more details but too much to type so these are the highlights.

I want to stay in the house but he's mentioned selling it! we've only been here 9 months and me and dc have no where to go!
What do i do next??

I'm sorry, that's really rough. Were you married? As that will potentially change things re: staying in the house or not depending on married or not

Do not leave the house.

You're struggling to process what's happened (of course). The feelings you are going through are completely normal part of being cheated on / breaking up.

Believe what he is saying & do what you can to catch up quick. Stop calling him. It's his responsibility to check on his DD.

I am sorry you are going through this. I was left too and I wish I would have handled it differently. I should have been stronger about not taking any crap. My DD was 3 months old.

You can and will get though this.

Shut down all your emotions for him in front of him, be aloof and stop calling him. If he's got any interest this will pique it, being all emotional will not.
Saying that, he's pooped on you from a great height so you want him back really?
Get yourself financially straight too and start thinking about what you want with your child. Good luck!

Your distress and shock is palpable,
Have you got family and friend to support you and your child?

He’s proved himself to be liar and a cheat.He cheated on you and lied to the woman he cheated with.
It’s time to get tough now op, start to protect yours and your child’s interests.
See a solicitor about protecting your interests in the house. Look online to see what benefits you may be entitled to as a single parent.
Others will be along soon with better advice . Good luck op.

Sorry OP. How old is your DC? Do you have your own income?

God what an arsehole.

You must be in absolute shock, you need to be practical too though. Are you married?

Firstly you need to regroup without him in the equation.

disengage disengage disengage.

you won’t get answers from him and he isn’t good to help you heal

if you don’t have a solicitor. Get one. A good one.

in the meanwhile communicate with him only by email. Send everything through having posted it and like

dear fred
Due to the recent shock decision you have made to leave the marriage and the home we shared I am contacting you to arrange some practical aspects.

1. All your personal items can be collected at a suitable date and time.


2. which days will you be having DD for each week? I will need to have contact details during this time - but I suggest Monday and Tuesday next week. Pick up from school / nursery and drop off. We would be building up to Sunday evening to Wednesday morning each week with you. Will be also need to divide the holidays 50/50 I suggest you have the first half of each holiday and I have the second


3. can you please redirect your post.

hopefully despite your decision we can co parent and put DD first

you will appreciate this is an emotional time having been completely blind sided by your decision but let’s put DD first right now.

thanks

me

reply and communicate by email and after this email focus solely on dd and practicals not any emotion

What do you need to do?

You need to listen to him and believe what he is telling you about the sort of man he is.
He is gone. One day you will start to feel grateful for that.

He has a script to cover his arse and to make it ok for him to look at himself in the mirror. You know he is a liar and is lying to everyone.
He is very likely a person whose only aim in life is to get away with lies, nothing more. If his lips are moving, he's lying.

Start to get a hold of yourself.
Stop calling him.

See a solicitor ASAP.

If he comes crawling back, greet him with a locked door.

Prioritise taking care of you. Self care first. You have a child and need to be able to function for them.

Sorry but you'll need STD tests.

These type of 'out of the blue' crazy making affairs do happen in happy relationships. I certainly experienced it with my husband. But there's only one way of responding to a man in this kind of state you absolutely grey rock them.

Do you beg him, do not talk to him about it, do not ask him about the affair, do not chase him, get some distance. Talk about your child and money only.

Do not leave your home and seek legal advice ASAP.

None of this is your fault. None of this was about your relationship. This is a selfish and entitled part of him which has come to the surface. He's not a safe partner for you right now, he's like a stranger, treat him like that.

I'm so so sorry you're in pain

Op, I'm so sorry as know some of the shock you are going through. Some people are able to do this because they can't authentically connect to their partner so they can walk away easily. I know he fooled you but you're not alone with this experience so don't blame yourself.

My guess is he can't live in "normal" has to have the high and thrill of a new relationship when he feels adored.
It will take a while to recover but it's possible.

For now process the shock and take one step each day to move forward the practicalities.Are you financially dependant on him?

Get angry and get advice.

Really sorry you’re going through this. But for your own dignity, as hard as this is going to be, you need to listen to and believe him. Don’t show any emotions towards him. Don’t show him you’re hurt. Certainly do not chase him, you’re better than that. Minimal contact only.

This totally.

so sorry you are going through this x

Thank you everyone for the replys, he's rang me up crying today, He appologised and said he was disgusted in himself ect.i forgot to mention on my last post that he told me he was in love with her ... more like he loved the thrill,loved the chase but he doesn't love her, he's convinced himself he does to justify his actions so i told him that and he went quiet. I've been in bits all day,im reeling but at the same time i wish i could take him back......i know i know.... pathetic. I have no intentions in getting back with him but i can't hes done too much damage and id never be able trust him, plus he still works with him! Ive started the universa credit claim and joined gov gateway, my lovely dad has given me 100quid to see a solictor. I'm scared i will lose the house we only brought it in june! We have 1 dc togther we were ttc and have been for over a year since my mc so now my chance of having another baby are over,im grieving. Im going to book a sti test on tuesday.

7pm tonight hes txt saying he cant wait to see our DC and asking if ive eaten yet..... dont get it.

Gosh....sorry...spelling mistakes everywhere. You get the jist

What a shitshow ! It’s ridiculous how men behave!?!? I don’t get it? What ever happened to honesty, consideration… taking one’s time and communicating ?!?!
i don’t understand ho it is that story after story on Mumsnet illustrate the poor thinking less and thoughtless behaviour of humans and unfortunately men in particular !!!!!

7pm tonight hes txt saying he cant wait to see our DC and asking if ive eaten yet..... dont get it.

He’s coming to the crashing realisation that he’s massively fucked up and is planning to worm his way back in.

Yeah he’s most probably been begging her to take him back so he can start their wonderful new life together then realised she’s having none of it so he thinks he will just go back to you…. Don’t let him!!!
Everything that comes out of his mouth from this point on will be lies to work his narrative!! Be strong you can do this

He's deffinently not going to coming crawling back...saw him today as he collected DC and i asked if she was worth it and he said " i fell out of love whyme" omg!!!!!!!! I dont know this man at all! He wasn't even upset leaving DC.

For clarification married 9 yrs this month, 1 dc. Mortgage....only moved in august!

plan of action this week
solictor- i want to stay in the house
Sti check

plan of action this week
solictor- i want to stay in the house
Sti check

That's a good plan. Also start divorce proceedings and register with CMS as soon as possible.

Do you have friends and family to support you in person?

Sorry this has happened to you. He's a shit. And you and your DC deserve better. You can and will get through this.

You are in shock and need time to catch up. He has been emotionally checking out over time and made his plans. You need to grieve and adjust. You are so strong to draw your line and say he isn't coming back. Hang onto that

There is no point asking questions there are no answers other than he is a selfish arse and wants his own way.

Time to get practical. Claim Benefits. CMS through them not a private arrangement. Do not give him room to divert from this. Contact is on x day at x time. You do not chase him or organise him. He is on his own now. You don't get to do the wife work for him.

Go through the bills stop all his out going from your account. Council tax reduction etc.

Start packing up his belongings put them in spare room or somewhere else. Move things around. Buy new bedding. Flowers anything just to make it feel different

It's good you are getting legal advice. Re the house are you working can you take over the mortgage. Explore all options on this front. Although it is very raw right now. A clean break and a home that is safely yours will serve you well in the long run.

Gather good people around you for support. Seek counselling if it will help and journaling help me with the outpouring of my feelings.

Grey rock hum as much as you can.

That's just what people do when they make choices that hurt other people. They twist the truth to justify their actions.

I’m so sorry. I’ve been going through something similar.

You might not want to do a 50/50 split as some have suggested as then your ex doesn’t have to pay you any child support. If you even did four nights a week and him three he’d need to pay you something. Check the child support calculator.

God i love mumsnet, thank god for you lot.

I'm raging still, he hasn't even explained to dc. Bastard!

From now on im and no contact untill he contacts me and then it will be 1 word answers. Started my clame for benifits. Im not sure if i could take over the house. Ive been silly and all the bills and mortgage come out of his bank account. Dick head or what!