NEED ADVICE Am i being emotionally abused by my Husband ??!

[ZAK3]

Hi i see so much on here about, Gas lighting , emotional abuse , narcissistic behaviour but i never really know if im over reacting by thinking maybe its happening to me!

some background info been together over 15 years , ive always tried to play role of cousellor as he had a very difficult childhood & im sure he has issues from this although he always denies it & says theres nothing wrong with him & im the one with issues

ive posted before in different topics as 2 years ago i had an abortion i didnt want as he said he would leave & we would get a divorce if i kept the baby , i would have been fucked financially & we only had a small place so i made the sacrifice for my other children

To cut a long story short my mental health took an absoloute battering & i went through hell & back and had lots of my own counselling as i wanted to talk it through rather than take medication at the time , so basically for the last two years i have been on an emotion rollercoaster & we have just been papering over the cracks

when i was making the decision about the abortion he was flucuating from he would leave the home & sleep on someones sofa for a year if need be to two days later he was going to stop paying the mortage , then when i went through it some months later i was so bad i felt suicidal i asked him to leave to give me space for a bit but he refused in the end i ended up going to stay with a friend for a few days as it had got so bad & in an argument not long after i got back he said i was mental & needed serious help & wasnt fit to parent the kids ( on day i came home he had said that he hoped the break helped & everyone wanted the best for me )

Recently the arguments have esculated ive been called

Fucking cunt
fucking retarded & thick over & over
none of my family likes me apparantly & neither do his
ive got serious issues , i need help & act like a teenager
im not this supermum like i think i am
hes not going anywhere why dont i get the fuck out
grow up & get over it ( about the abortion)
that im dealing with ptsd apparantly
why dont i call the police on him if i think hes gaslighting me etc

in between these arguments i get the , im sorry i know your going through alot i should be more mindful , im booking counselling for us, ive blocked stuff out blah blah, ive done somethings im not proud of only because i felt pushed to the limits of despair esp when theres talk of the abortion

i feel like im loosing my fucking mind, i had an ilness come on potentially caused by stress last week & currently on very strong medication he knows this & doesnt give two shits hes not talking to me after the last outburst

sorry this rambled on for so long 😢😢😢

He sounds like a twat. Why are you with him?

Just leave

Definitely not the words or actions of a loving and supportive partner.
I'd be getting my ducks in a row to kick him to the curb.

So sorry. Yes he is. What do you get out of this relationship? Do you want to stay with him? If the answer is no, get a plan together to leave - like Glassware said. Log out of Mumsnet too when not in use, so he cannot see this thread.

He is emotionally and verbally abusing you. He sounds like a horrible man! I recommend you get some support from Women's Aid.

I'm so sorry you've been through all of this.

It sounds as he’s the root of all your problems! Think logically, what does he bring to your life, cash each week - is that all? You sound so unbelievably unhappy. He sounds unbelievably nasty. Good luck as you weigh up the pros and cons of your current arrangement, and I really do wish you good luck, cause if nothing changes, nothing changes.

To everyone else hes this lovely cheery, happy go lucky bloke , even my own parents would probably make excuses for him

I cant leave exactly we cant downsize as we are are already overcrowded & he wont go , after everything ive been through im not dragging my kids away from everything they know & ending up in some b&b or hostel miles away waiting to get housed because that is the reality from people i know locally

You will never be happy with this person. Know that.

Yes he's abusive. So you can't leave, what happens now then ? Because this situation is quite literally making you sick, both physically and mentally. Something has to change right ? You have to leave, somehow, surely. How old are your children ?

Take a moment to picture your life without him in it. Seriously how would that be? If your daughter came to you and told you her husband treated her that way what advice would you give?
I came here years ago in similar circumstances. I'm now free it wasn't easy initially but it was bloody well worth it.

With regards to your parents, don't worry they will be there for you. Mine only appeared to like my DH for my sake when we split I was amazed by the amount of family and friends who knew what was going on or sensed it.

Divorce him. He is emotionally abusive. The abortion was coercive control. I mean ok if he didn't want another child and wanted a divorce if you kept it, that's information, but making threats so you get rid is control. He should have left you to decide after giving his viewpoint, not hassled you.

Your mistake was staying with him after that. Being fucked financially is better than having your MH destroyed. What's best for DC is having a healthy parent. But we all make mistakes and you didn't have a crystal ball, plus you can rectify both situations. And yes you are fit to parent your DC that's just lies he tells to prevent you feeling you can leave.

Your MH will improve if you leave him. Your DC are being damaged by him, they can't not be when he's abusing their mother, even if they never hear any of it (unlikely, the probably do and will also pick up on the general atmosphere).

You could call the police on him if you wanted. And might help with childcare arrangements, if you think he's a unfit parent (he definitely is, but it's proving it) and want to protect the DC (sadly may not be possible, but at least they'd have a normal home life with you even if they had a fucked up one with him, it's better than them not having any normal home life).

Contact Women's Aid because if he's this bad now he could get worse when you end the relationship. You may have to be the one to leave for your and DC safety, they can help with that and also with advice how to get him removed from the home (coercive control is a crime) if that's the best option.

Sorry you're experiencing this awfulness. Your husband is a Grade-A bastard. 💐

I get what you're saying, but long run he's going to destroy your mental health and that's not good for your children either. Talk to women's aid when he's not around, maybe they'll have something helpful either on how you can get out or how you can get him out of your head. Another option could be going grey rock and not responding to him when he's yelling, not engaging except in the most superficial way and not telling him anything meaningful about yourself and how you're doing. You could focus on building some financial security so you have a way out when you absolutely can't take it anymore. There's nothing you can do to get him to behave like a good husband and a good father, what you can do is work on mentally seperating from him and finding a way you can get out in the time.

Thank you everyone i will reply properly tommorow my eyes are stinging

In one of the arguments when he called me those vile things & made the abortion comment im ashamed to say i lost it ( terminating affected me down to my soul so it massively triggers me) and i threw a drink over him & kicked him & pulled his hair so now he has that nugget to hold over me & tell people 😩

It's not all or nothing.

• he could be made to leave.
• you could get temporarily rehoused, improve your MH by being away from him, increase your earning power, then move back to the area you're in now.
• you could come up with a long term plan where you work on your MH and earnings/savings whilst living with him, then leave.

You have options. You need help to investigate which one is best and come up with a plan of action. What you don't have to do is stay.

Just to add I didn't leave my home, however I did have to sleep on a sofa for two years though before he moved out. My mother moved both me and my brother into a hostel to get away from my father. Do whatever it takes don't give two flying figs what anyone else thinks.

i threw a drink over him & kicked him & pulled his hair so now he has that nugget to hold over me & tell people

You need to get out of there sooner rather than later. This is the kind of thing that has the potential to really harm your future. Living in a grotty bedsit is paradise in comparison to being arrested for assault and possibly losing custody of your DC. Provoking you could be part of his plan. Not because he wants to solo parent DC but because he wants to harm you.

You need to start the process of separating. He is extremely abusive.

Sounds like 99 percent of your problems are down to this vile man. Leave him. Go to a refuge with your kids. Block him on your phone. Don't tell him where you are. Escape whilst you can and see your MH improve. Must be dreadful for kids living with this man verbally abusing you all the time.

That you lost your temper after abuse isn't evidence that you should stay, it's another reason to end it. He wants you to see that as evidence that you are all the things he says you are so that you carry on putting up with being his punching bag. It's just proof that this needs to end asap.

If you have been in counselling for years - have you not talked with the counsellor about your relationship? It seems as that is a primary stressor that you would talk about that and they could give you perspective. Much better than from one post on a message board from strangers. Counsellors are there to hel you think through and work through and understand your own life and thoughts. Your relationship is mutually abusive at this point and you know that.

Yes I did talk to the counsellor about it but it was mainly about the abortion & everything surrounding it & they don’t tell you what you should do , he was paying for it & telling me what a good job I was doing with it , the plan was to have couple counselling & for him to have his separate counselling ( which he has booked) but there’s no point as he fundamentally thinks his behaviour is normal

After that particular argument he did have a free consultation with a solicitor & also got the property valued but he said the solicitor suggested mediation as we don’t have a lot of funds but how can I go to mediation when his behaviour is that of constantly changing the goal posts & manipulating the situation

my solution was for me to stay here with the kids & get Uc etc which would mean he wouldn’t have to contribute anything mortage /bills wise & he rent somewhere & have it that legally it’s 50/50 equity when the time comes to sell whenever that may be but of course that wasn’t an option to him, he wanted to sell or take his name of the mortgage so he can buy somewhere ( knowing I can’t afford to stay on mortage on my own)

one thing I get time & time again is if I’m that bad ( him) then why are you still with me then no1 is forcing you to stay!

yes I know to some I probably seem pathetic accepting this to keep happening

You're essentially insisting that you and your kids stay in a house that's on fire, rather than leave for lesser accommodation. It doesn't matter if it's a mansion. It's damaging for you and your children to be around his behaviour. It will ruin your future, and their abilities to form healthy relationships, into their adulthood.

Leaving is better than staying, even if leaving will be hard.

Are you actually married? If the children are young, you may be entitled to more of the equity in the house, and he will need to pay you maintenance. Dont get caught up in stupid ideas of not wanting his money - I have seen women do this and MASSIVELY harm themselves financially.

Mediation is terrifying. I have done it twice (exH failed to turn up the first time), and even though its meant to be a safe way to discuss things, with another person there to stop it getting aggressive, I still felt intimidated by my exH. I found it helped to write down what I wanted - 75% of equity, no pension split, etc... it just helped me to keep my focus. But it was nerve-wracking, I have to admit.

If you can't agree in mediation, the next step is court. The judge will decide and his /her decision is binding. A lot of men think the judge will always take their side, and see the woman as unreasonable as they do.... a lot of those men are horrified and disappointed in court.

Basically, don't stiff yourself. You are responsible for the children, you will have to put a roof over their heads and food on their table, so don't sell yourself short just to try and appease an angry unpleasant man.

Mediation doesn't mean you need to face him directly. You could look for somewhere that does shuttle mediation. This is where you and STBX are in different rooms and the mediator moves between you both and tells you what your Ex said, wants and so on, trying to achieve a consensus. The downside is it tends to be more expensive. Still cheaper than going to court with legal representation.