NEED ADVICE Am i being emotionally abused by my Husband ??!

[ZAK3]

Hi i see so much on here about, Gas lighting , emotional abuse , narcissistic behaviour but i never really know if im over reacting by thinking maybe its happening to me!

some background info been together over 15 years , ive always tried to play role of cousellor as he had a very difficult childhood & im sure he has issues from this although he always denies it & says theres nothing wrong with him & im the one with issues

ive posted before in different topics as 2 years ago i had an abortion i didnt want as he said he would leave & we would get a divorce if i kept the baby , i would have been fucked financially & we only had a small place so i made the sacrifice for my other children

To cut a long story short my mental health took an absoloute battering & i went through hell & back and had lots of my own counselling as i wanted to talk it through rather than take medication at the time , so basically for the last two years i have been on an emotion rollercoaster & we have just been papering over the cracks

when i was making the decision about the abortion he was flucuating from he would leave the home & sleep on someones sofa for a year if need be to two days later he was going to stop paying the mortage , then when i went through it some months later i was so bad i felt suicidal i asked him to leave to give me space for a bit but he refused in the end i ended up going to stay with a friend for a few days as it had got so bad & in an argument not long after i got back he said i was mental & needed serious help & wasnt fit to parent the kids ( on day i came home he had said that he hoped the break helped & everyone wanted the best for me )

Recently the arguments have esculated ive been called

Fucking cunt
fucking retarded & thick over & over
none of my family likes me apparantly & neither do his
ive got serious issues , i need help & act like a teenager
im not this supermum like i think i am
hes not going anywhere why dont i get the fuck out
grow up & get over it ( about the abortion)
that im dealing with ptsd apparantly
why dont i call the police on him if i think hes gaslighting me etc

in between these arguments i get the , im sorry i know your going through alot i should be more mindful , im booking counselling for us, ive blocked stuff out blah blah, ive done somethings im not proud of only because i felt pushed to the limits of despair esp when theres talk of the abortion

i feel like im loosing my fucking mind, i had an ilness come on potentially caused by stress last week & currently on very strong medication he knows this & doesnt give two shits hes not talking to me after the last outburst

sorry this rambled on for so long 😢😢😢

Thank you for all the info & advice it really is appreciated 💕

Of course I’m not expecting a mansion like I said in previous posts we are already in a very small space but it’s ours with a low mortgage and although it’s cramped I feel happy & safe here, would a judge order a sale that i don’t want & turf the children out of their childhood home ( youngest is 3) to go renting & leave myself vulnerable financially as rental would way more money , these are all the things I’m scared of , if he would just leave the home i could probably start rebuilding my life but all these threats of I want this , then that , one min he says he would never force us out of the home by going to court, next argument he says it will end up in court & let the judge decide it’s so mentally wearing

Also he’s a very hands on dad & my work requires that so he knows it would be more like 50/50 childcare , so I wouldn’t be expecting much maintenance & he’s also SE so can manipulate earnings

yes we are married

but it’s ours with a low mortgage and although it’s cramped I feel happy & safe here

Really? Because the post I've quoted says you feel differently.

When I say Happy I mean as in area we live in , our neighbours , friends around me & the kids etc lovely schools

And whilst I’m bogged down mentally I do feel safe I’m not scared of him from a physical point of view

If the DC are going to be 50:50 you could rent somewhere and still claim UC I believe? You retain 50% ownership still.

Just a thought. Certainly worth looking into.

You had me at fucking cunt.

He coerced you into an abortion. Your marriage can’t survive that. And now he’s verbally abusing you. You need to plan to get out.

I phoned womens Aid like someone suggested , she said it was emotional/physiological abuse

Are Women's Aid going to offer you some support, OP?

@ZAK3 how do you feel now having them confirm that? You can get out of this it's going to be a tough time but not nearly as tough as a lifetime of abuse will be.

yes shes given me some numbers for local area xx

God do you know its a hard one, i feel like im glad i trusted my instincts but cant help thinking what about all the people that think the sun shines out of his arse, what about some of the comments ive made to him ( few and far between ) but just things getting turned on me

Its hard to get the image of an abuser being some big huge bloke beating his partner up out of your head rather than some cheery smiley dad at the school gates or kids clubs etc!

That's how coercive abuse works. They are manipulative. I felt the same my ex was, on the outside was the best dad husband but he wasn't. Other people see this but don't want to say anything. So many people have approached me and said they are glad I left and that they could see or felt the dynamics of our relationship but didn't want to say or get involved.

Feel like im loosing perspective here, what about all the things ive said & done. I said a couple of things about his physique in the last argument thats bound to be used against me, replaying his reaction over in my mind if i tell him what womens Aid said, do i even tell him? i will have to tell family at somepoint they are asking things because they know im not right

barely slept last night , hes blocked me on social media & being very blunt with me

Geez No don't tell him you have spoken to WA stop engaging with him. Stop arguments etc.

Bare minimum of communication.

Don't tell him that you're talking to women's aid. You need to gather information, start confiding in people and building a plan before he knows anything about it. There is no benefit at all to him knowing what you're thinking. Knowledge is power, and the more he knows the more he will try to use it against you, or to stop you trying to get support from others.

He is abusive. There is no question whatsoever. So on some occasions you have retaliated in anger. That's a perfectly human response. Noone will judge you for getting angry and upset when under a constant barrage of abuse.

And stop worrying about what other people will think. What matters more to you - yours and your children's wellbeing or what other people think?

And this is about your children's wellbeing. They are currently seeing a bad relationship played out, and that will inform their own adult relationships. They are also seeing their mum reduced to being a shadow of her real self. They need to see a strong mum who knows her own value and won't be treated like rubbish in her own home.

Please keep talking on her, and start to confide in one or two people IRL. If you can get some counselling on your own that would be great, and keep talking to women's aid. But don't tell him what you're thinking. He will only try to tear down any progress you make. And he will increase his control and manipulation if he thinks he's losing control of you.

Stay strong. You can do this. A much better life awaits on the other side of it.

No you do NOT tell him. That would only put you at risk.

Abuse is about control not the individual incidents or nasty words - it is a pattern of behaviour to control you, he won't stop because you point it out. It's deliberate behaviour.

Focus on a safe exit plan with professional support.

There is nothing you could have done to justify him abusing you. Nothing. You don't have to be a perfect human being to deserve a life free from abuse. There are no perfect humans.

breakthesilencedv.org/reactive-abuse-what-it-is-and-why-abusers-rely-on-it/?cn-reloaded=1

Read this.

Thank you once again for all the replies I will keep re reading them to hope it sinks in, one thing I’m struggling with is he has always shut down with any kind of talking about emotions or how I’m feeling so it’s always me instigating these talks which end with me foolishly thinking I’ve got somewhere or in a huge showdown

He always wants me to go away in these situations, like he would say stop talking to me and try & go in another room but because I want answers etc I keep going even if it backfires in my face

we went away recently & one min he said we will definitely come back here again I’m really enjoying it etc & then next min saying I spoke to him like shit the whole time we were there , I can never work anything out

I can never work anything out

That's the point of his behaviour - it keeps you confused and on the back foot which stops you seeing he's controlling you and distracts you from focusing on how to leave.

Puzzling over his behaviour isn't a good use of your energy.

Have you heard of the grey rock method? If not look into it.

UPDATE :

Hi thought I would update as its coming up for a year and also to remind myself why this is all happening

Firstly he moved out about 9 months ago, it's been an absolute shit show of a year , how I haven't had a mental breakdown i really don't know, I wouldn't even know where to start but all I can say is even though we aren't together he is still emotionally abusing me

I have a case worker and still he belittles everything I say, apparantly I am everything I've accused him off , basically said everything is made up & all I have is a ref number and unfounded allegations

He is absolutely obsessed with the divorce and the fact that he filed for it , so much so I believe he's going to apply for the final order without the financial order being done which obviously is not advised legally but he's just desperate for that bit of paper so can tell people he divorced me

I feel sick writing this almost a year on and still stuck in this awful cycle with innocent children stuck in the middle

Any words of advice / wisdom??

I hope you find the support you need. I'm sorry you're having to go through this. With the right support, there will be much better days ahead.

Thank you 💗