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Original poster

How do you cope?

35 replies

herhm · 30/04/2022 11:23

Being with a "fearful avoidant" in a relationship? Just that really.

Personally I'm veering between being a "secure" type but finding I'm constantly anxious, not knowing where I stand. I've tried walking away but was miserable because when things are good they are very good. As long as it's all kept at a very high level. Nothing deep.

I'm finding that we get close, I feel like we make progress and then he totally withdraws again. How do others cope with this??

OP posts:
gonnascreamsoon · 30/04/2022 11:36

You don't. You end the 'relationship' and move on.

What's the point of a 'relationship' that never goes beyond 'superficial' ?

You can't make plans, because that would be a 'commitment' to something.

You can't know if you agree on basic principles like parenting/money/marriage, because those subjects are too 'deep'.

You never get beyond the 'superficial' with these men, so why bother ?

Regularsizedrudy · 30/04/2022 11:40

I find slapping an attachment style on a romantic relationship (which is not what attachment styles are intended to describe) is never going to be helpful. You’re just pathologising* *why something doesn’t work. The fact remains that it doesn’t work. Don’t waste your time.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/04/2022 11:41

Why are you with someone like this?. This is a question you should be asking yourself. Are you someone with rescuer and or saving tendencies because if so these need to be reined in urgently. Counselling for your own self could be helpful too. I would also suggest you read "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood.

He is not your project or fixer upper; this is who he is and he is not going to change. You can and should walk away from him permanently.

Itwasntmeright · 30/04/2022 11:47

The question you should be asking yourself OP, is, is this relationship worth the amount of hurt it causes? And keep in mind that the longer it goes on and the deeper you get, the more the bad bits will hurt.

to answer your question, I’d walk away. It would make me miserable in the short term, but being miserable in the short term is better than the damage constant worry and upset would do in the long term. That’s a hard one bit of wisdom though, and maybe something I wouldn’t have listened to before I found out the hard way.

Itwasntmeright · 30/04/2022 11:48

Hard won*

Wombat98 · 30/04/2022 11:49

Be with someone enthusiastic to be with you.

Much easier. Less drama, fuss or bother.

Work out if you're trying to change or fix him. If you are, you're wasting your time.

Original poster
herhm · 30/04/2022 13:48

I guess I'm trying to figure out if he could change. By the responses it seems not 😏. He is very aware of the way that he is and acknowledges how difficult he is. I suppose I hoped that because of that awareness, overtime he might be more comfortable being open.

I certainly haven't tried to "fix him". Just tried to be patient really.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 30/04/2022 13:59

Why would you think 5jays something you should 'cope' with. Honey, thats something you should bin.

All this attachment style bs has a lot to answer for if you ask me. People who are not capable of healthy relationship commitment, should not be in a relationship. And people who are, need to learn to date emotionally available people and walk away from people who fanny them about.

It's not rocket science. They have your back, want to be with you and tell you and the other ppl in your life what you are to them and what you mean to them. Or, you ditch the fake bastards and be single until you find someone who doesn't have issues up the wazoo and the you with love, respect and decency.

Itwasntmeright · 30/04/2022 14:04

Well, in that case the pertinent question is, has he shown any signs of making an effort to change? And I mean shown, because talk is cheap. Acknowledging something about yourself and trying to change it are two very different things, so it depends where you think he’s at and whether his efforts to change, if there are any, are promising enough.

Original poster
herhm · 30/04/2022 14:17

It's a tough one. I hear what you are all saying and walking away definitely sounds the easier option. I struggle so much to do that when I really like the person though. But my head tells me to do exactly that.

As for showing signs of changing, yes he has. He has opened up and talked about some significant events in his life that has shaped who he is now, and explain a bit why he acts the way he does. I think the problem is that he desperately wants a relationship (with me, he says) but the reality is that as soon as he starts getting close to me, allowing feelings to develop, his behaviour definitely shifts and he reverts to being introverted and isolated.

OP posts:
Catupatree123 · 30/04/2022 16:46

Sounds like be would benefit from counseling.

Itwasntmeright · 30/04/2022 16:54

But what has he actually done to try and change his behaviour? He’s talked about it, yes, he’s told you, yes, but has he taken responsibility for it bye identifying how he needs to change, and what he needs to do to make that happen? and have you seen any evidence of the changes he intends to make? These are the things you need to judge him by, not his words, because words are just noise.

Frogium · 30/04/2022 17:30

Others would walk away from this headfuck situation and trying to change a person.

You say you are "secure" and if for a second we believe in the pop phych that is attachment theory, a secure person would walk away and find someone who can have a deep relationship with rather than posting on MN about how to cope. You would do well to see that sometimes a person is ambivalent about you and is not fully sold on the relationship, he is trying to slow it down maybe and keep options open, so puts distance between you two and that comes across as avoidant.

Life is precious @herhm. Don't waste it on him. It will be an uphill battle every step of the way and will erode your confidence

Fireflygal · 30/04/2022 17:56

@Itwasntmeright Spot on!

Read this again Op. You are trying to fix him. You believe that being with you will change him. If he is over 30, the chances are extremely unlikely, even with counselling.

If he wants a relationship with you then he would be changing...believe this. Maybe he likes being introverted and isolated.

His pitch on why he's like he is is just a story that he hopes will make you stick with him. I bet he has told other women the same story (but he will pretend you are different).

Back to your question - you don't cope..you remain anxious and drained

Walkingalot · 01/05/2022 00:34

I can acknowledge that I'm a lot of things and let people in, a bit, sometimes. That's it. Don't go there. Walk away.

Moser85 · 01/05/2022 02:46

Unless he is actively working on these issues in therapy etc. then I would call it a day.

I have a lot of issues in this area due to complex PTSD. Lots of valid reasons for me to avoid relationships, have trust issues, not want to be close to people, to fear committment etc.

Opening up about them doesn't really mean progress I'm afraid. Obviously it's good that he opened up to you so you know what you're working with, but it doesn't suggest any progress in getting past his issues.

Telling you helps him to keep you there because you understand more...but doesn't mean he is working on his issues, kind of like a get out of jail free card. I'm not saying that it's intentionally manipulative, because it's probably not at all, but just that opening up isn't really an indication of him changing.

I think it's selfish for people to date without sorting out those issues, they inevitably cause a lot of hurt to others.

ShandaLear · 01/05/2022 02:59

He doesn’t have an ‘attachment style’. He’s just not that into you and he’s not treating you very well. We can dress this up in whatever psychobabble we want, but when a man wants to be with you, or thinks you’re special to him, you know it..

Milomonster · 01/05/2022 06:37

Walk away. I’ve dealt with a man just like this. Feels like you make some progress and then he vanishes. I’ve blocked the fucker. Not my problem to heal or change him when he’s made it abundantly clear he can’t.

NoSquirrels · 01/05/2022 08:51

He is very aware of the way that he is and acknowledges how difficult he is. I suppose I hoped that because of that awareness, overtime he might be more comfortable being open.

It’s his problem to fix. And he won’t because now he’s hooked you in by ‘opening up’ he can treat you badly and it’s ‘not his fault…’

Double3xposure · 01/05/2022 08:56

gonnascreamsoon · 30/04/2022 11:36

You don't. You end the 'relationship' and move on.

What's the point of a 'relationship' that never goes beyond 'superficial' ?

You can't make plans, because that would be a 'commitment' to something.

You can't know if you agree on basic principles like parenting/money/marriage, because those subjects are too 'deep'.

You never get beyond the 'superficial' with these men, so why bother ?

This is excellent advice.

Walking away will not be the easier option, as you will have to give up on your hopes that you / time / the love of a good woman can change him.

But it is the smarter option.

PriestessofPing · 01/05/2022 09:37

Fireflygal · 30/04/2022 17:56

@Itwasntmeright Spot on!

Read this again Op. You are trying to fix him. You believe that being with you will change him. If he is over 30, the chances are extremely unlikely, even with counselling.

If he wants a relationship with you then he would be changing...believe this. Maybe he likes being introverted and isolated.

His pitch on why he's like he is is just a story that he hopes will make you stick with him. I bet he has told other women the same story (but he will pretend you are different).

Back to your question - you don't cope..you remain anxious and drained

I don’t disagree that change is hard but why do you think if someone is over 30 change is even more unlikely even with something like counselling?

JangolinaPitt · 25/09/2022 03:45

What did you decide to do, OP?
I am just over a year in with a man like this. He has immeasurably enhanced my life in numerous ways and we are making progress. And the ratio/ balance between the steps forwards and the falls back is improving because vI have a very insightful friend who spotted this at the outset and has given me excellent advice and support through the low times.

Watchkeys · 25/09/2022 06:20

You're not 'veering' between attachment styles. Anxious attachment styles stay, and try to puzzle their way out of bad relationships. Secure styles simply leave as soon as any other style starts to be triggered in them. If you were veering into 'secure', you'd have left him as soon as it happened. Everything you display, including this post, is screaming 'anxious'. Leave the relationship, or continue to feel like you're veering around emotional states. Secure types know that attachment styles aren't often triggered in a good relationship, and certainly not often enough to feel the need to post on forums about it.

Mumofnarnia · 25/09/2022 07:53

herhm · 30/04/2022 11:23

Being with a "fearful avoidant" in a relationship? Just that really.

Personally I'm veering between being a "secure" type but finding I'm constantly anxious, not knowing where I stand. I've tried walking away but was miserable because when things are good they are very good. As long as it's all kept at a very high level. Nothing deep.

I'm finding that we get close, I feel like we make progress and then he totally withdraws again. How do others cope with this??

I am fearful avoidant. It really is awful. This attachment style forms due to past trauma. For me I’ve suffered a lot of abuse in the past over a lifetime ranging from not being brought up in a normal environment as a child to being severely bullied at school to being in abusive relationships.

I’m now in a non abusive relationship but I cannot let him get too close to me and I overthink things a lot when there’s no reason to. I switch between being hot and cold and one minute I want to be with him, the next minute I feel he’s getting too close or that I cannot trust him and then try to push him away. My mind is constantly battling with itself but he seems to understand me and is extremely calm and patient and understands that I have experienced a lot of trauma in my past.

This is not a person I choose to be and I can see how much it can be upsetting and confusing for the other person but unfortunately I cannot help being like this. A fearful avoidant person craves closeness and intimacy but for some reason feel they don’t deserve it or feel like the other person is going to hurt you or let you down so you cannot let them in so they end up flitting between being anxious and avoidant.
I’ve done a lot of research over the last few weeks and it seems that being a patient and understanding partner to someone who has a fearful avoidant attachment style seems to work and maybe also considering therapy as it can be reversed and people can go on to lead happy, normal relationships.

daisychain01 · 25/09/2022 09:17

herhm · 30/04/2022 13:48

I guess I'm trying to figure out if he could change. By the responses it seems not 😏. He is very aware of the way that he is and acknowledges how difficult he is. I suppose I hoped that because of that awareness, overtime he might be more comfortable being open.

I certainly haven't tried to "fix him". Just tried to be patient really.

You aren't right for him.

if he was with someone who was right for him, he wouldn't be fearful or avoidant. These are words that explain someone's behaviour when they're with the wrong person.

A bit like someone who swears blind they don't want children, they go on to meet someone else and within a year they have their first child. That's no coincidence.

Be with someone who gives you all the signs they want to be with you. If it's hard work and an uphill struggle the whole time, take that as a sign. That's no coincidence either.