How do you cope?

[herhm]

Being with a "fearful avoidant" in a relationship? Just that really.

Personally I'm veering between being a "secure" type but finding I'm constantly anxious, not knowing where I stand. I've tried walking away but was miserable because when things are good they are very good. As long as it's all kept at a very high level. Nothing deep.

I'm finding that we get close, I feel like we make progress and then he totally withdraws again. How do others cope with this??

This is not a person I choose to be and I can see how much it can be upsetting and confusing for the other person but unfortunately I cannot help being like this.

You can actively work on yourself, focus on areas you see issues coming up most frequently and address those in therapy, you can recognise when you’re feeling anxious and use a variety of tools to help manage that part of yourself. You may not be able to help the feelings but there’s a lot you can do to stop them impacting on your partner or relationship.

Patience and understanding only go so far if the other isn’t taking responsibility for their stuff and actively working on themselves.

I’d cope by leaving and finding a consistent partner who doesn’t tie you in knots Xx

Totally this!

I've been in relationships like this, and frankly I'm done with trying to be a horse whisperer. It has become boring to me

Same experience. Mercifully I'm old enough to step back. It is painful though when you can see the beauty in the individual and you know they like/love you but you might as well bang your head off a wall

@JangolinaPitt 5 months on from this post I'm now walking away. I tried. I really did. I tried to be patient, to be understanding, not demanding but I'm finally recognising that wanting to be loved myself is not a bad thing and this man is never going to love me or want the same relationship that I do. It's just too much like hard work. So despite the good times it really is time to walk away 😒

Very timely post! After this weekend when I have done all the heavy lifting to reassure him etc I’ve come to Dane conclusion although in my case it is now over a year. I think I’ve given it a good innings and done my best but I’ve lost patience too.

Thank you for the update @herhm . Sounds like you are pretty clear about what you want to do.

cannot let him get too close to me and I overthink things a lot when there’s no reason to. I switch between being hot and cold and one minute I want to be with him, the next minute I feel he’s getting too close or that I cannot trust him and then try to push him away. My mind is constantly battling with itself but he seems to understand me and is extremely calm and patient and understands that I have experienced a lot of trauma in my past.

@Mumofnarnia wow this describes exactly what it is like being with him.. The getting closer, I think we are making progress, then boom.... he pulls away again and I'm left confused and hurt.

@JangolinaPitt I've given it the best part of 18 months but this weekend I've had a sort of revelation and realised that I actually feel done. I'm sad because I genuinely could have loved this man. Maybe I do love the "good side" of him but when he withdraws and acts like I don't exist or I come so low down his list of priorities, I certainly don't love that feeling.

**You can actively work on yourself, focus on areas you see issues coming up most frequently and address those in therapy, you can recognise when you’re feeling anxious and use a variety of tools to help manage that part of yourself. You may not be able to help the feelings but there’s a lot you can do to stop them impacting on your partner or relationship.

Patience and understanding only go so far if the other isn’t taking responsibility for their stuff and actively working on themselves.**

@Jellycatspyjamas thank you for this. This post has really made me realise that yes, he could do things to stop impacting on me so much. He doesn't. Or not that I am aware of and I really do believe I deserve more. I feel sad and a bit sick this morning but time to pull up my big girl pants and begin getting over him. I'm never going to have the relationship I want with him and its about time I recognised that and walk away.