When you’re alone, who do you turn to?

[Fieldsodgold21]

I’ve been with my husband for over 30 years. There is no affection left and I feel we should separate (he disagrees saying we should ‘Stick it out as that’s what people do.’ I have no family at all except an adult DC who lives thousands of miles away. I have very few friends. I think ‘emotionally’ I’d be ok on my own (my husband doesn’t really do emotions), but I worry about the practical and supportive side of things. EG my husband is v good legally and professionally, so if I’m bricking it about something - have had a few issues recently to do with my office, with someone threatening me - I can trust him to ‘be there’ for me with sensible advice and reassurance. Someone to talk things over with when I’m desperately worried, sometimes over and over. Same when I had an issue with a former colleague - it all got v nasty with this person making allegations and again it was DH I turned to when I was frightened of ending up in court. I don’t know what I’d have done without him. I was in bits both times.

I believe he’s just doing his ‘duty’ as a husband (not sure he actually likes me but he’s very dutiful) and if I leave him that will end. Which is absolutely understandable. It would be me leaving him as he refuses to engage in conversation about the way forward. Counselling didn’t help.

So that was a long-winded build up to my question! What do people do who have no-one to turn to for sound, confidential advice and support? I know the simple answer may be - a professional. A lawyer. A financial advisor etc. But, even putting aside the costs and the waiting for an appointment, it’s just not the same is it? Sometimes you just need to talk things over with someone when you’re scared and the wheels are falling off - but for me I always look for knowledgeable advice too so I can figure out a way forward. So what I’m saying is not just texting a friend who will say ‘That sounds really hard!’ and then leave me to it. And not having to, say, make an appoint with a lawyer or other professional (who you don’t know) who, as I’ve found, will give professional advice with the clock ticking ££ but that is not always entirely helpful as they are acting in a ‘cold’ professional way, then when you want to run over a few things you have to go through the appointment process again.

Even having to buy a property by myself - terrifies me. With no/one to share the process with. I’ve always done that with my husband - we kind of had our own areas of expertise in the marriage and I completely trusted him.

Sorry this is a long one - is there any service I could subscribe to or anything where thee is a hub of friendly, professional support or does that sound laughable!?

Thanks if you’ve got this far. Please be kind as I’m not in a good place. Thank you!

Does your workplace have an EAP? They often give advice on lots of different topics which impact our lives. Many also offer counselling

Maybe spend some time building up a new network of friends while you're preparing to leave. Also, I'm sure your DC would make themselves more available to chat if they knew you were struggling with a problem and you weren't with your DH any more

Thank you @Fairycake2 Unfortunately, I don’t have a workplace, so no support there. I am self-employed and work alone. My DC is sadly not in a position to help - not really interested in my life - would just say something like do what you want. Don’t sweat it type of thing. You’re right about expanding my circle of friends. I find many now are so absorbed with their own families, husbands, grandkids etc it’s harder to get a deeper friendship, especially when you’re seen as one half of a couple yourself.

I don't think that type of advice service exists unfortunately. Ironically your husband seems to be best placed to play that role in your life.
Are hoping to find a new romantic relationship or are you dreaming of living alone?
Otherwise could you kind of re-frame the marriage in your mind (temporarily or longer term) and meanwhile start doing additional pursuits by yourself - eg solo weekends away (there are various organisations that offer solo holidays); volunteer once a week for a charity; develop a new hobby and meet people through it; basically build up a different life for yourself and see how it goes?

You do what you feel is right for you, don't let him or other people tell you what you should do.

I'm divorced. It's actually quite empowering to achieve things on your own - moving house, booking holidays, making decisions, that in the past you didn't do. Moving house doesn't require any knowledge that you can't glean from websites like this.

It sounds as though you've deferred to your H, but actually I'm sure you can make your own way in life. It's usually possible to find out technical stuff from the internet or Mumsnet! I use different forums to tell me information. I have only paid for a solicitor to get me through the divorce (and that's money really well spent, particularly if your H has some legal knowledge). Otherwise, I've just armed myself with as much knowledge as possible and done it alone.

For emotional support, I use my female friends or my colleagues - they're great.

Can I ask why you want to separate from him ?
I ask because I nearly did, yet when it came to it I couldn’t. There’s no one I want to leave for, and I know I would never get myself tangled up in a relationship again. We sleep in separate rooms, there’s no affection at all, yet he is company and I know he’d look after me if I was ill. Also, I’d never go on holiday in my own.
I thought about the pro’s and con’s of leaving, and decided to stay for company and security.

Hello - thank you for thoughts. To answer @KangarooKennyin particular - one if the issues is that he (due to refusing to engage/discuss) doesn’t understand or accept that any physical contact is over. He has done things that have really hurt me, which finally extinguished this side of our marriage, but he honestly can’t understand why. Months of counselling didn’t help. I suspect he is on the autistic spectrum as there are lots of indicators (counsellor agreed). So ‘it is what it is’, as they say - he still hopes things will magically come good and his resentment that it doesn’t spills over sometimes. Can’t imagine going on holiday together for instance as he’d be thinking why can’t we cuddle/share a bed and it’s a no way from me. He’s hurt me so much and stands by everything. So I’m 🤔when it comes to physics affection! Just can’t! I did broach the subject of a sort of open marriage (discreetly and probably more the type of solo weekends away etc) where we could both support each other in life, but he’s not going for that. I get it. So I am faced with the rest of my life with no physical affection ever, and living a lie - he doesn’t want us to tel people we’re ‘not together’ (again I get it) and so it’s really awkward when folk ask what we’re doing for holidays etc. I could carry on - aware alternative could be worse and he’s all I’ve got - it but it seems a small life and quite a sad one. Thank you again.

He comes across as abusive rather than being on any autistic spectrum. ASD does not equal abuse. It shows a very poor understanding of what ASD actually is (and your counsellor is not qualified to make such a pronouncement either) which is not what you are describing re him. Please educate yourself properly as to what autism is and is not. ASD should not be the default excuse here for his behaviours towards you.

He has done this because he can. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Were your parents also emotionally distant and or authoritarian?. Your adult child moved far away from you both; there is a reason also for that happening too. Your marriage has been about what your H wants which is to maintain his image at your overall expense. It seems too that any self confidence has been systematically taken away from you (by your H and others) hence you being terrified at doing anything without him. I don't think you know who you are because you've always been in his shadow or someone else's. Time for a sea change here.

It's actually quite empowering to achieve things on your own - moving house, booking holidays, making decisions, that in the past you didn't do.

I totally concur with this. ExDH always did a lot of the practical stuff (repairs and the like) and paid the bills and I was worried about that sort of thing but actually it was so so valuable taking it on and learning to do these things for myself. The boiler had a wobble a few days after I moved into my now house, only a little thing (needed repressurising) but previously I’d have just left it for ex to deal with. It was Sunday night, no one to call so I figured I’d better get my big girl pants on and give it a go and with the help of google and YouTube I got it sorted and honestly I’ve never felt like such a badass. I plumbed my washing machine in myself, have removed and reattached plug sockets, have my shit together over bills and organisation. It’s really empowering to realise that it’s not some big secret that only the big strong man knows - I’m just as capable of doing anything I want to and I can handle my shit all by myself. It’s actually been one of the best things about divorcing - I feel like I’ve grown up massively knowing that no one else is there as backup and I just have to get on and sort things out myself (I got with exDH when I was 21 and had always lived in shared houses before that so I’ve never had to do things completely independently as an adult before). I love it OP and it’s all much less scary than you think it’s going to be.

I divorced last year after 30 years. I totally get what you are saying.
im not like other posters above who’ve discovered they can manage and are empowered. Maybe because I’m post menopausal and consumed it’s anxiety 😦
but, I have managed. I have managed perfectly well in picking up domestic chores my ex had done - in fact I’m a lot less stressed about me doing the DIY task than I was when he did it as he was crap at it and would get so angry it stressed me out.I do keep telling myself that there was nothing he did that was so difficult I could not do it given I was intelligent and reasonable practical and could look up things on internet if stuck. I had to buy a property, and sell our joint home by myself for first time in my life and the thought scared me too …yes it was very stressful..but not because it was a difficult process to understand but because solicitors were shit- and everyone married or not is finding issues with solicitors just now. You’ll be stressed not because you can’t do it or your on your own but because it is very stressful. In fact I found it a hundred times more stressful than the divorce process. But there was nothing about buying and selling I wasn’t capable of doing with the help of the internet to explain and me mapping it all out

the bit I do miss is that sharing you talk about. Bouncing issues off another person. But really when I thought about it, he never did anything to actual resolve my issues, and it never really changed my mind over what I thought should happen. It was venting really. If you have always relied on your husband for that support then you really don’t know how you’d cope- you may think you’d go to pieces like you did before ..but you could do that precisely because you knew your husband would stop up to “parent” the “child” in you (which is how it should be in a good relationship). You can learn another way to deal with your issues though if you no longer can lean on him.

ultimately, whether you decide to divorce after 30 years has to come down to whether you think the benefits outweigh the downsides. It seems this is being driven by the lack of physical intimacy. Be careful what you wish for…you can find passion and lust with another person, but not find that 30 years of emotional and practical intimacy you’ve built up. Make sure you’re really looking at all the benefits and downsides f your relationship and that you believe overall you’ll find more peace, contentment and less stress by divorcing.

just because you feel you can’t deal with the practicalities in life now, doesn’t mean you can’t. It just means you’ve not had to up till now and never learnt how to.

It is hard. But ime support will appear from all sorts of places once people know you need it.

Other women have carried me a lot lately as I've split from ex. Different friends for different problems, practical, emotional, financial, legal, parenting, etc.

At one point I was really overwhelmed and a friend came over and unpacked my shopping as I just couldn't do it. Other times I can conquer the world.

It is scary but you can do it. I shudder to think about still living with x. It wasn't a life worth living, full of dull boredom interspersed with misery. Exhausting. Now I can be myself and its like there is colour back in the world.

Having to make sure my children are cared for and feel secure has been the hardest challenge. You know how mothers generally keep going despite it all.

Good luck OP.

@AttilaTheMeerkat
He comes across as abusive rather than being on any autistic spectrum. ASD does not equal abuse. It shows a very poor understanding of what ASD actually is (and your counsellor is not qualified to make such a pronouncement either) which is not what you are describing re him. Please educate yourself properly as to what autism is and is not. ASD should not be the default excuse here for his behaviours towards you.

I just wanted to say I would never just label someone as on the spectrum and neither would our counsellor. She met him scores of times during couple’s therapy and when he finally refused any more (we hadn’t got anywhere), I carried on. Therapist v experienced and highly qualified and it was more me saying I now think there are lots of indicators that he could be on the spectrum and her saying something along the lines of that may well be a reasonable assumption to make, based on all the conversations they’d had, but that she couldn’t diagnose, and I didn’t want/expect her to! I don’t want to make this about autism but just wanted to say I have huge respect for the complexities, have read a great deal, and volunteer with an organisation that works with people on the spectrum. I only mentioned it as it, for me, possibly helps explain why he just can’t understand or read certain situations and I have to accept that. It’s sometimes driven me quite mad, trying to get him to understand. He can’t. But I’m sorry if I’ve got that wrong,
please forgive me, and would never want to hurt or offend anyone. I’m no expert.

It may be different for me OP, as I've always been on my own, always.

At times, especially with chronic health issues and a sensitive nature (!), this has made me vulnerable and I've seen the worst of human nature. Fight and flight survival mode I have experienced many times. People say "ask for help", well I have and its rarely been forthcoming!!!

Yet, I've always coped somehow I guess. You do! I am nearly 60 now but am very independent and can sort nearly every thing out (google is your friend!). I pay tradesmen etc when I have to. I feel I could be a legal, personal, spiritual oracle (almost!) because of everything I have experienced and all the hard lessons I've had. A few times I've asked for advice from one or two friends, but very rarely, as they usually know less than me !

Emotionally, it would be nice to share the small joys and petty frustrations of life with someone else at times, as well as the sheer hard graft of "keeping the show on the road", but practically I survive, and you would too.

Once you go it alone l think you have to be really committed to making it work. Don' t overthink it, just do it, the more you accomplish the more confident you will grow. Its ok to feel out of your depth and to not know, its all part of the process.
The problem with staying in a relationship for security is that it comes at a cost. You pay a high price for that. I didn't feel secure when l first started out on my own, but thats because l had never been in that situation, theres a saying " You don' t just land on the mountain top", it takes time to get used to this newer version of yourself. But once you do, you won' t ever look back.

Perhaps you should explore the option of communal living.

www.communityledhomes.org.uk/what-cohousing

I don't know what he's done to hurt you OP, but it does sound really miserable. Honestly, it isn't bad not being married anymore. In fact, I love it. It's much better being alone than in a not-good marriage. I would only live with someone again if it was amazing. (I'm not sure I want to live with anyone again at all).

And I don't know why you're resigned to being alone. People do meet other people in their 40s, 50s and 60s! And it can be enlightening what a good relationship is like. Good luck! But I think, the best thing is to learn to be alone first. To enjoy being single. It's pretty good.

Couples therapy was always going to be a non starter here because of how he treats you. He is never going to respond to any therapy and joint therapy was a mistake. Does your counsellor know anything at all about abusive relationships, it would seem not, He knows what he is doing here and he does not care for you at all. He just wants to maintain his image of he being a married man along with you cooking and cleaning up after him.

I've lived on my own most of my life but I do have family I could go to. But I don't. I mull things over myself and make my own decisions. Sometimes I ask others their opinion but only because I think they like to be asked and included. It never overrules what I think. It's just a matter of developing confidence in yourself and your own judgement.

I've lived in my own for pretty much all of my adult life so I can't relate to your feelings of being terrified to do things. Honestly, it's so much easier doing things in your own. No one else to please but yourself. If you get it wrong, so what? Just learn from it and move on. Your marriage sounds awful OP. Don't stay because you're frightened to be on your own. Make the break and I'm sure you'll never look back (and wonder why you didn't do it sooner).

Thank you everyone. I ended up having to work today, but have now read every reply, and I’m SO grateful. Lots of sound advice - I really appreciate your time, insight and honesty. I’m going to have another read tomorrow.

You learn
I’m the same but with things like
plumbing , Diy, car , IKEA
I basically learnt some and pay people
for the rest

you will amaze yourself

I've lived alone for years, and it's amazing what you can do if you have to work it out for yourself - and it's a good feeling. Like the pp, anything I don't know about I pay someone to do.

Forgot to say, bascially I don't like organising things and left it all to my exDH - he even organised most of our wedding. However, when it's just me I have to get on and do it. Honestly OP, if you have to manage by yourself you will be able to do so.

You just figure out how to do it by having no choice but to do it. Loads of us live alone and don't have someone we really trust with legal matters. I suspect this is less a genuine practical issue than a psychological blocker to leaving the relationship.

It is scary to leave and be alone. Especially after a very long time together, no matter how loveless and difficult the history. But, once you decide its kind of amazing what happens. People in your life start to help. I say people, i mean women. They offer a spare bed, or they carve out the space to talk and meet for coffee, they offer practical and emotional advice. You sort of have to take a leap of faith with it.

I would urge you to leave. Youre right, what you have sounds limited and dismal as a future together. Do yourself a giant favour

You just have to get on with everything yourself & make decisions for yourself

Personally, I have a diary & I write things that need doing now & dates for next year like insurances, MOT, birthdays etc

I agree that it is empowering to live on your own

I always stick to my budget