When you’re alone, who do you turn to?

[Fieldsodgold21]

I’ve been with my husband for over 30 years. There is no affection left and I feel we should separate (he disagrees saying we should ‘Stick it out as that’s what people do.’ I have no family at all except an adult DC who lives thousands of miles away. I have very few friends. I think ‘emotionally’ I’d be ok on my own (my husband doesn’t really do emotions), but I worry about the practical and supportive side of things. EG my husband is v good legally and professionally, so if I’m bricking it about something - have had a few issues recently to do with my office, with someone threatening me - I can trust him to ‘be there’ for me with sensible advice and reassurance. Someone to talk things over with when I’m desperately worried, sometimes over and over. Same when I had an issue with a former colleague - it all got v nasty with this person making allegations and again it was DH I turned to when I was frightened of ending up in court. I don’t know what I’d have done without him. I was in bits both times.

I believe he’s just doing his ‘duty’ as a husband (not sure he actually likes me but he’s very dutiful) and if I leave him that will end. Which is absolutely understandable. It would be me leaving him as he refuses to engage in conversation about the way forward. Counselling didn’t help.

So that was a long-winded build up to my question! What do people do who have no-one to turn to for sound, confidential advice and support? I know the simple answer may be - a professional. A lawyer. A financial advisor etc. But, even putting aside the costs and the waiting for an appointment, it’s just not the same is it? Sometimes you just need to talk things over with someone when you’re scared and the wheels are falling off - but for me I always look for knowledgeable advice too so I can figure out a way forward. So what I’m saying is not just texting a friend who will say ‘That sounds really hard!’ and then leave me to it. And not having to, say, make an appoint with a lawyer or other professional (who you don’t know) who, as I’ve found, will give professional advice with the clock ticking ££ but that is not always entirely helpful as they are acting in a ‘cold’ professional way, then when you want to run over a few things you have to go through the appointment process again.

Even having to buy a property by myself - terrifies me. With no/one to share the process with. I’ve always done that with my husband - we kind of had our own areas of expertise in the marriage and I completely trusted him.

Sorry this is a long one - is there any service I could subscribe to or anything where thee is a hub of friendly, professional support or does that sound laughable!?

Thanks if you’ve got this far. Please be kind as I’m not in a good place. Thank you!

Id work on building up your social life. You say you have very few friends. Do you think you could start putting more effort into building connections up with others. Maybe your lack of social life is meaning you feel like you need to go elsewhere and start from scratch, but if you have no friends, surely that will make you feel even more alone?

You dont need his or anyone elses permission to leave though if thats what you do want, but I do think its worth building yourself up first

I am going to add

Even if you talk to friends, family or a professional about a small or large problem. It still boils down to the fact, that the decision is ultimately yours alone to take.

Sometimes decisions take time

Sometimes, it's best to jump into something new & make the best of a new opportunity

Life goes on

Me. I turn to me.

It's scary to think of being alone at first. I knew my marriage was bad. I had never lived alone before I left - I'd moved out of my mums and into a boyfriends place at 16 and then had gone from man to man. (Not recommended!)

When I wanted to leave my H I kept thinking "but what will I do if my PC stops working? What if the washing machine starts leaking? OMG WHAT ABOUT SPIDERS???"

In reality I found that I could fix most things myself, and that if I couldn't, help was readily available free from friends or paid via the likes of Facebook marketplace, my builder.com, etc.

As for spiders... I bought a pair of kittens 😂

A "spider catcher" is good I find. £10 from Amazon!

p.s. re. Atilla's comment re. ASD - lots of people with ASD are lovely and genuine people (I have someone with ASD in my family). But its an umbrella diagnosis, not even a spectrum. Some people with ASD can be difficult and intransigent and have a B&W view of the world, even if good heart at the centre. Can be very difficult to live with . Just saying. Don't let Atilla's attack put you on the backfoot with your genuine observation, OP, it may well be a factor in terms of understanding. However, it doesn't make it easier to live with if that is one way it manifests, I am sorry to say. Good luck

Autism is known as a spectrum disorder .

Neither the OP nor her counsellor are at all qualified to make any such pronouncement re her husband. He is like this because he can be and I am tired of autism being raised as some sort of reason for such behaviours. He is more like her dominator in this relationship and it’s about what he wants. Op has no say at all in this marriage.

Thanks @CanterburyTrot He’s not a bad person at all but he can’t connect emotionally, doesn’t seem to understand emotions and can’t cope if I get upset for instance, and empathy seems to be an issue. He just won’t have a proper discussion about the marriage (can’t understand what’s wrong and hopes it will come good somehow - the eternal optimist) and gets very defensive if I try to raise anything, so after years of trying to communicate on that front I’ve kind of admitted defeat. It was driving me mad with frustration. Mad! But it does mean the decision about what to do rests with me.

Thank you again to everyone else - really interesting comments.