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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Concerns about my partner and his ex

56 replies

Worriedpartner1 · 29/04/2022 21:28

My partner and I have been together for 2 and a half years. He has a 3 and a half year old who lives with us full time and has limited access with his mother. So I play quite a big role in his sons life.

When we first started talking and going on dates, he was still sleeping with his ex (mother of his son) which I didn't find out about until we officially got into a relationship. Once we were in a relationship, he used to go round to see his son through the week but didn't tell me that's where he was going (at the time, his son lived with the mother and he had him weekends) and if she called or text asking him to pick her up or take her somewhere he would, but again, didn't tell me about this. She then used to message me saying they were sleeping together while he's with me which he denied and I didn't believe he did. However at the time, a lot of conversations between them were over the phone.

Since then, things have been a nightmare with his sons mother and he was removed from her care and put into my partners. All conversations were over texts for about a year. But recently, he's started ringing her or she rings him instead to have the conversations aboit their son. But he takes or makes the phone calls in the back garden. I don't know if I'm just being paranoid because of everything at the start or whether it is a bit odd that he takes the calls as far away from me earshot as he can.

I have a son, there have never been any issues between myself and his father, yet we still keep most our conversations over text and if we do talk on the phone, I certainly don't take it outside or in another room. I'll sit right there in front of my partner on the phone to my child's father.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 29/04/2022 21:35

The whole thing sounds messy and dysfunctional. Why was his daughter removed from her mother?

You don’t trust him. You’re right not to trust him. He’s a proven liar and cheat.

Don’t you think life would be better without him in it? I’m sure you’re attached to his daughter but you’re destined to living in a drama with both of them if you tolerate this.

GrazingSheep · 29/04/2022 21:35

Have you asked him why he does this?

Worriedpartner1 · 29/04/2022 21:41

I haven't asked him about why he does it yet because I don't want to cause an unnecessary argument or friction if its just me over thinking it because of the past.

I have nothing other than his ex saying they slept together while wer were in a relationship to go off. He has however admitted that he was sleeping with her while going on dates with me at the very start. Which I would never do, once I start going on dates with someone, I only see them. I just assumed he would do the same but clearly didn't. So I don't know if that counts as cheating or not 😩 but in my head, it feels like it was. So now I'm worried that because he takes the phone calls in private, that it's going to become a thing again!

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 29/04/2022 21:45

He must be having a conversation that he doesn’t want you to hear. You already know he’s devious, so why stay ?

CorvusPurpureus · 29/04/2022 21:50

It sounds that it wasn't so much that he was sleeping with his ex, so much as that he was still in a relationship with his child's mother & sleeping with you, tbh.

He clearly can't be trusted. Throw him back & be done.

IsThePopeCatholic · 29/04/2022 21:50

It sounds very suspicious. He’s not trustworthy.

5128gap · 29/04/2022 22:01

Whether he was cheating on you in the early days when dating you and sleeping with her pales into insignificance against the fact he was cheating on the mother of his child by dating you in the first place. If he can do that with you, he can do that to you.

Itsbackagain · 29/04/2022 22:05

Sorry it would seem hes taking you for a fool. As soon as I found out he was sleeping with anyone else at the start I would have ended it. Not what you want to hear I guess.

Worriedpartner1 · 30/04/2022 07:06

Just to clarify for the people who seem to think he was cheating on his ex with me. Him and his ex had been split up for a few months when I first started speaking to him. They split up not long after their son was born. He had moved out of the home he had lived with her in 4 years and had moved into his own place. They definitely were not in a relationship with him cheating on her with me. But she was messaging him trying to get him back as soon as she realised he was starting to see other people and he wasn't interested in being back in a relationship with her. Was clearly interested in sleeping wit her though.

OP posts:
Overthewine · 30/04/2022 07:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

CrystalCoco · 30/04/2022 07:33

I might be in a minority here but DH and I always take our calls out of the room - we can't be bothered listening to half a conversation interrupting whatever it was I / we were doing before the call came in.

Having said that, neither of us have any 'history' of sleeping with our ex's whilst involved in any way with each other.

You could ask him pleasantly why he takes the call in the garden, maybe you'll be able to gauge from his reaction if it's innocent enough.

LoveSpringDaffs · 30/04/2022 07:43

Life would be so much easier if we could only see our relationships from the outside.

I know you've been together a while & that you probably love him & his child, but this relationship is only going to bring you misery.

id put hood money on him telling her things like ' let's try again' 'we need space to work on it'. He was happy to have his isn place (away from a crying baby/responsibility & have sex with her. If she wanted them. Ack together that's just cruel)

He lied to you (repeatedly) now he's cloak & dagger with phone calls.

he's taking you for a mug & you're letting him.

sad I know, but you need to leave /kick him out.

honestly, you'll regret not doing it if you don't!!

Worriedpartner1 · 30/04/2022 07:46

If it was normal for him to leave the room for phone calls, I wouldn't be as bothered that he left the room to speak to his ex I don't think. But he always rings people or answers the phone right in front of me with his family, friends or if a number he doesn't know calls him. He will occasionally leave the room if its a really important call job related. But not in relation to his son and he doesn't usually do phone calls with his ex at all.

OP posts:
TheMadGardener · 30/04/2022 07:50

He's cheating on you. Probably has been throughout your relationship. Sorry.

Please don't have a child with him, unless you want things to get even more messy.

Do you do most of the childcare for his child who lives with you?

Worriedpartner1 · 30/04/2022 07:52

LoveSpringDaffs · 30/04/2022 07:43

Life would be so much easier if we could only see our relationships from the outside.

I know you've been together a while & that you probably love him & his child, but this relationship is only going to bring you misery.

id put hood money on him telling her things like ' let's try again' 'we need space to work on it'. He was happy to have his isn place (away from a crying baby/responsibility & have sex with her. If she wanted them. Ack together that's just cruel)

He lied to you (repeatedly) now he's cloak & dagger with phone calls.

he's taking you for a mug & you're letting him.

sad I know, but you need to leave /kick him out.

honestly, you'll regret not doing it if you don't!!

This is what I keep thinking. It could have been a completely innocent conversation literally just about their son. But all I can think is that if he wanted to make sure I was completely out of earshot to take or make the call, he must have known there was a chance that I'd over hear something he didn't want me to hear.

His son lives with us for 6 days and goes to his mam for one 24 hour period a week. I take his son to the doctors, school, look after him when he's poorly etc. So surely there was nothing about him that I shouldn't hear?

He has gone away for the weekend, I've put into a message about the calls and he's just totally ignored it and asked about something unrelated. 😩

OP posts:
DrMorbius · 30/04/2022 07:54

Just to clarify for the people who seem to think he was cheating on his ex with me. Him and his ex had been split up for a few months when I first started speaking to him

But he was still having sex with her.

clippety clop · 30/04/2022 07:57

Has he go e away for the weekend or is he with his ex. You need to walk away from this man. He can't be trusted and you deserve better. Please don't settle for the love you think you deserve.

Dumblebum · 30/04/2022 07:57

I feel so bad for you. You know the answer to this and you just don’t want to accept it because it means you either need to act or feel the shame of staying and knowing.

he was absolutely sleeping with you both when she said he was and he takes the calls away from you because he is saying stuff to her he doesn’t want you to hear. There is no other reason he’d move away to take the call.

so I assume he’s shagging her again. Or trying to. I’m sorry op, it’s her he wants.it’s always been her.

NoviceNetwork · 30/04/2022 08:06

Even if he isn't currently sleeping with her, I couldn't stand to be in a relationship with someone who had clearly used a vulnerable woman, because he held the power and could get his leg over.

I say vulnerable, because I'm assuming there has to be some mental health issues or some kind of substance abuse to have had her daughter taken off her.

And your bf was dangling the hope that she'd get her partner and daughter back, so that he can use her for sex. Maybe he is doing so again.

What a disgusting human being. How can you not be repulsed by him?

Cliftontherocks · 30/04/2022 08:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

This

Dumblebum · 30/04/2022 08:10

Who has the child now op and where is he this weekend?

ProfessionalTeaDrinker · 30/04/2022 08:12

I can't get my head round you staying this long if I'm honest. If you are staying now to prove everyone wrong and that you didn't make a mistake, don't do it. This is your life. Your one shot. Please don't waste it on him. It's okay to realise you've made a mistake. Own it. Learn from it. But please, walk away from this mess with your head held high, never speak to him again and never let anyone treat you like this again. You are worth more than this. Know that and never ever settle for less.

Worriedpartner1 · 30/04/2022 08:31

Dumblebum · 30/04/2022 08:10

Who has the child now op and where is he this weekend?

Their son is with the mam. She gets 1 weekend out of every 4 additional to her 1 night a week. My partner is on a golf weekend away with his friends, and he's definitely going there because I helped him book it for them all. Unless he's just wasted £250 on the weekend as a cover up but I doubt that. So I do believe he's gone golfing for the weekend with his friends

OP posts:
Worriedpartner1 · 30/04/2022 08:36

NoviceNetwork · 30/04/2022 08:06

Even if he isn't currently sleeping with her, I couldn't stand to be in a relationship with someone who had clearly used a vulnerable woman, because he held the power and could get his leg over.

I say vulnerable, because I'm assuming there has to be some mental health issues or some kind of substance abuse to have had her daughter taken off her.

And your bf was dangling the hope that she'd get her partner and daughter back, so that he can use her for sex. Maybe he is doing so again.

What a disgusting human being. How can you not be repulsed by him?

She was a decent mother with no substance abuse or mental health issues when they split and when they were sleeping together.

Nearly a year on from myself and my partner being in a relationship, she started drinking all the time, taking drugs and passing their son off to anyone who would have him throigh the week so that she could do drugs and drink. She got into a relationship with someone else and they were both domestically violent with each other. So he was removed from her care as social services tried to work with her, support her and get her help she needed but now there is a court order in place until he's 16 now.

So at the time they were originally sleeping together, she wasn't particularly vulnerable. Things didn't start going downhill until 12 months on from that.

OP posts:
Fireflygal · 30/04/2022 08:42

Op, please see what all of us see.

He cheated on you and his Ex. He left the Ex with a tiny baby. He has his son but you do most of the work. You even book his weekends away.

If he didn't have you how would he manage?

I'm sure he is charming, lovely, funny and he says he loves you but he is not a man you can rely on. Your instincts are telling you something is wrong but he causes an argument to avoid you getting to the truth.

If you get angry and demand to hear the calls I bet he is will call you controlling or "crazy".

How old are you? Can you manage financially on your own or have you become dependant on him?