Concerns about my partner and his ex

[Worriedpartner1]

My partner and I have been together for 2 and a half years. He has a 3 and a half year old who lives with us full time and has limited access with his mother. So I play quite a big role in his sons life.

When we first started talking and going on dates, he was still sleeping with his ex (mother of his son) which I didn't find out about until we officially got into a relationship. Once we were in a relationship, he used to go round to see his son through the week but didn't tell me that's where he was going (at the time, his son lived with the mother and he had him weekends) and if she called or text asking him to pick her up or take her somewhere he would, but again, didn't tell me about this. She then used to message me saying they were sleeping together while he's with me which he denied and I didn't believe he did. However at the time, a lot of conversations between them were over the phone.

Since then, things have been a nightmare with his sons mother and he was removed from her care and put into my partners. All conversations were over texts for about a year. But recently, he's started ringing her or she rings him instead to have the conversations aboit their son. But he takes or makes the phone calls in the back garden. I don't know if I'm just being paranoid because of everything at the start or whether it is a bit odd that he takes the calls as far away from me earshot as he can.

I have a son, there have never been any issues between myself and his father, yet we still keep most our conversations over text and if we do talk on the phone, I certainly don't take it outside or in another room. I'll sit right there in front of my partner on the phone to my child's father.

Oh op.

You won't see it will you?

I think even if he does eventually admit to sleeping with her now, you will come up with some excuse as to why it is not really terrible.

And a woman desperately trying to keep her family together is vulnerable in my eyes, particularly to having hopes of reconciliation dangled in front of them.

The fact he is starting to repeat suspicious behaviour now, when she is by your account even more vulnerable, isn't a great sign is it?

Christ, in 2.5 years you have met, dated, dealt with him sleeping with his Ex, moved in, had social services, court for his son. Was this really your dream for a good relationship? Are you sure you are getting enough from this relationship, as trust isn't there (as he isn't trustworthy).

Throw him back out there, he’s not worthy of your time.

Concerns about my partner and his ex

so exactly what advice do you want Op? So far it has been pretty unanimous and yet you seem to be ignoring it.

so crack on everything is fine.

His ex kicked him out because she often cheated on him and she moved some other man in pretty much the same day she kicked my partner out. Originally I wasnt sure if that was true, but ive seen messages where she was apoligising to him for that situation happening how it did.

I'm 27, and I'm a teacher so have a good income of my own. I'm not dependent on him financially as we each pay half the bills and then keep the rest of our money separate, so can manage in that respect on my own.

However I'm 26 weeks pregnant. So the idea of being a single mum of 2, 1 being a newborn baby, scares me.

OP,

No one here can really say if he's cheating / being disrespectful or not.

However - you are reluctant to have a frank conversation with your partner, something as innocuous as 'how come you don't speak to "Stacey" in front of me, why do you need to take the calls in the garden'?

That's a concern because you should be able to bring that up without worrying about the outcome.

I only read the OP but im baffled that you didn't believe his ex when she told you she was sleeping with him!? Why?? He'd already been sleeping with her when you began seeing him so....surely its quite likely he carried on? He has every reason to lie about that. Im amazed that you describe this as an irrational fear of yours when there's every indication that he has done it before and is capable of lying about it

I raised my issue this morning and he totally ignored it. I raised it via messages though because he's away for the weekend.

When he's back, I'll have to try again but in person so that he can't ignore as easily

However I'm 26 weeks pregnant. So the idea of being a single mum of 2, 1 being a newborn baby, scares me.

Oh.

He left his ex with a new baby. He shagged her while with you. He’s got you pregnant and is now potentially fucking about with her again. They have a child together. You have a child of your own. And now you have one with him.

What a mess, OP. He sounds like a lying twat. I’m very sorry you, and all these children, are in this mess. I’m not really sure what to advise, other than ‘run’.

You know it’s over.

He treated her horribly after they split, that could have contributed to why she ended up in the situation she did. As a mum of a baby, whose partner moved out but still used her for sex, she definitely was vulnerable. There has been multiple threads on women in similar situations on here over the years and that situation absolutely plays havoc with their mental health.

How is she now? If she has started to get her life back on track then perhaps she wants more time with her son or to start down the road to share custody. If that is possible then perhaps your partner is open to that idea but feels you might object so he hasn't discussed it with you yet?

He has ignored your message as he doesn't respect you. If he did he'd have replied and put your mind at ease. If I was a gambler, I'd bet he has been cheating on you but has assumed you'll roll over and blindly accept it because you're pregnant and will not leave. Sadly in light of your responses to posters thus far, he may be right. As others have said you deserve better.

@Worriedpartner1, you ended things in November after you found your Partner’s messages to a drug dealer making arrangements to buy cocaine to take on a day/night out. There was also a message to his friend whom he planned to share with. When you confronted him, he said he wouldn’t buy the cocaine, and later said that he didn’t. At some point you obviously reunited with him.

You said he was a regular drug user during his previous relationship and that his Ex also used frequently when they were together. Was that the relationship being discussed here?

To recap: He slept with both you and Ex, and after you were officially together he lied by omission about going to her home and about driving her around. Five months ago you caught him contacting a drug dealer, and he is once again displaying more secretive behavior with the Ex. You’ve now questioned him about the dodgy phone behavior, but he is avoiding a discussion.

OP, this man is a very bad bet. Even after you took him back after the cocaine episode, instead of working to restore your trust, he is again blocking transparency re his interaction with Ex. He is not a safe partner.

Meant to add: He is also disrespecting you by constantly searching for, looking at, and ‘liking’ SM videos and pictures of other women. You are unsettled because these are larger ladies (like his Exes) and you are slim. Posters pointed out that regardless of the body type of these women, his constant drooling over them is highly disrespectful to you.

@Worriedpartner1, are you actually going to sentence yourself to a life of anxiety and uncertainty with this untrustworthy man? Don’t you and your children deserve better?

Yeah all these other situations are constantly going through my head. Especially seeing as his ex fits the mould of the women he has looked at online too and I do not.

I've been here before, been cheated on throughout a relationship and while pregnant with my ex who is the father of my 8 year old. I stayed for 7 years with him.

I don't understand what I'm doing so wrong for these things to keep happening. I'm far from perfect. But I literally will do anything for my partner and his son. I treat his son like my own. I get along with all his family, even go out for lunch and shopping and things with just his mam sometimes. I don't stop him doing anything within reason, obviously I made a fuss about the drugs, the porn etc.

Him and his family have all said that no one else has ever treated him as well as I do etc. I don't cheat, do drugs or anything. I'm not aggressive or shouty. Like it should just be a nice relationship but all these things that keep happening on his side are messing with my head and I'm scared to leave him and end up on my own.

Ditch the loser
Have the baby
Seek out really good therapy to try to get to the root of your issues

@Worriedpartner1 I don't think you can see that you're already alone.

You don't have a connected partner, you just have a shady unsafe man who lives alongside you.

If one of your friends came to you and told you all this, what would you say to them? Why are you not being that friend to yourself? Why are you not showing that same level of care to the person who matters, you?

I honestly think some counselling may help you figure out why you're accepting this treatment from him.

It's cruel to ignore your message about that woman, it's cruel to leave his pregnant girlfriend worried and fretting. This alone tells me everything I need to know about this man.

Please put your safety first.

Do not let "the fear of something" play any part in any decision you make in life.

You know this clown is using you and is not good for you or your mental health. Get rid, and build a new better life. Work on yourself and your boundaries. Whatever fear you have of being alone is most probably exaggerated, incorrect or even irrational. You will survive and thrive without him.

You are going to have to pin him down and have the conversation. Having theories thrown around is pointless.

I've been here before, been cheated on throughout a relationship and while pregnant with my ex who is the father of my 8 year old

I mean this gently but is having a child a joint decision with both these men or were they surprise pregnancies? It does read like neither man was or is committed to the relationship.

also how much you do for someone isn’t what keeps a relationship going. Relationships should be equal, one shouldn’t do signficantly more for the other like this. Your relationship sounds heavily unequal with only you making an effort. Are you doing all these things to try to keep him?

Op, you're only 26 yet have had a 7 year and 2.5 year relationship.

You're not doing anything wrong but perhaps are naive and maybe afraid of being alone so tolerate red flags that others would walk away from.

Someone who uses drugs and cheats on you, during the honeymoon phase, will only get worse not better.

You have commited to him way too soon so now trying to make it work despite a lack of trust. He will never may you happy as he isn't capable of a "normal" non drama filled life.

Btw, you have done well to go to Uni and qualify as a teacher whilst being a young mum. Do you have family support? Can you manage being a single parent as I think you will end up solo parenting.

@Worriedpartner1 'I literally will do anything for him and his son'

That is a serious error and a sign of codependency. Nobody should be doing literally anything and everything for someone else, particularly not if they are behaving like this. Relationships are reciprocal. If you pour something in and what comes back is lying and abuse you stop pouring stuff in, you don't keep doing it hoping that the person will magically change and see how great you are.

It sounds like you aren't going to leave him. You're chasing him for replies when you have all the information you need to leave. Please get counselling if you can afford it

You are a couple. You make decisions as a family unit. You look after HIS sim as part of that family unit. So he should be able to have conversations pertinent to his son in front of you on the phone so that you feel included in this.

he’s excluding you from a large portion of this situation yet happy for you to do the grunt work and ferry his son around…

he doesn’t get to do both.

either he becomes 💯 responsible for every aspect of his son living with you both. Does all the school runs and dentists etc. Or he includes you in those calls etc.

He sounds like an absolute arsehole.
If he is up to something with the ex then he clearly is a shit dad. The child has been removed from his mothers care so needs stability. He should not be risking causing any drama or doing anything that could negatively impact the child.

I understand from your point of view your main concern will be if he's cheating or not, but if you can try to look at it from an outsiders perspective and really look at his behaviour and see what it means about him as a person.

Good god woman what are you getting out of this relationship other than stress and anxiety?
Have you seen any social services paperwork?
I've had dealings with social services about domestic abuse and my own drinking which was out of control.
I was never anywhere near at-risk of him being given to somebody else until 16, what are you not being told?

This is not a long-term relationship it's 2 years run for the hills.