Sex life

[Mumofaboy07]

I am in my 30s with a 4 year old and have fully lost my sex drive.

I work full time, come home and cook, wash and clean and am too tired for anything.

I wish I wasn't like this but I have no idea how to change. Is anyone else in the same position or coming out the other side and have any advice?

I have bought a book on sex and read articles on how to bring my sex life back but all the suggestions are inappropriate for a couple with a small child and no child care.

Could you try a 'once a month' date night (at home) so once little one is in bed you know 'this is the night' it's happening, there's a build up to it and you can both look forward to it (assuming you both still fancy each other, otherwise I have no clue)

You say you come home and do all the chores. What does your oh do?

Do you and your DH have equal leisure time and both get enough sleep?

We take putting our son to bed in turns so we both have time off when the other puts him to bed. I don't really have down time. I try to see my friends but I am always tired. I speak to him about how we might have sex more if he helped more as I'd have energy and that might mean I'm in the mood more but he takes it as offensive and says I am calling him useless. I go to work before him so he does get our son ready for school and get him but I'm not having a great time while he does that, I'm at work. I used to be so tired and have sex so I don't know if it is energy related and my friends seem to think it's not energy and just me needing to push myself but even though I love and find my husband attractive I just can't push myself out there.

There you go- he doesn’t do enough and he’s not listening to you. No wonder you are so tired and fed up

Pay a cleaner to do some of the drudge that neither you nor your husband want to do. Your weekend time is more valuable than the amount you'll spend on a cleaner and the cleaner spend is really valuable if it stops a relationship breakdown.

Make weekend afternoons snooze-time for 'snoozing'. Plonk kid in front of the tv for a movie.

Don't get into blame or power struggles over housework. Life is too short. You don't want to do housework, neither does he, so outsource it. Arguing over it is a waste of everyone's energy.

No one gave a shit about a "sex life" a few decades ago. I'm never sure if we're chasing a better life or swallowing a marketing line hook, line and sinker.

That’s a ridiculous comment

A clinical psychologist once told me one reason women often struggle with parenting and sex is because they are often parenting their spouses as well (as in the man takes on more of a child role in the family than a parenting partner) and women are hardwired not to have sexual feelings about people they are parenting.

And if that isn’t a reason for men stepping up, I don’t know what is! I don’t think she even necessarily meant doing stuff, more in terms of taking the role proactively and responsibility, rather than be managed.

This is Nature laughing at us - the desire to partner up, the desire to have children then it all goes tits up 😂 . It's preservation of the species.

How old are you op?

Could it be peri menopause? It could be hormonal. If you're concerned ask your GP for a hormones blood test.

If you're on Instagram, look up The Sex Doctor - Dr Karen Gurney. She posts lots of content about sexual desire and the challenges of having a sex life with young children. I think she has a workshop on this too. Her book is very good - Mind The Gap.
She talks about sexual currency which are the everyday moments where we connect with our partners. Kissing & touching & talking about what we might want to do later. Its the build up & anticipation that keeps the interest alive. This prevents sex being an on or off situation, which many of us experience with busy lives.
I hope things soon improve for you OP.

Hi @Mumofaboy07 you mention tiredness a lot in your post. Could you ask your GP run some blood tests. I was dead on my feet for years - had bloods run for something unrelated and they called me in for the max dose of iron supplements as i was severely anaemic. I had no idea - just thought it was normal to feel shattered all the time with young DC.

Made a huge difference to my energy levels. Good luck.

Why is it ridiculous? OP is knackered and doesn't feel like it. Why is she fretting that there's something wrong?

It's a bit of everything.

You need to find yourselves a babysitter so you can have a child free night out once in a while.
If you're working FT you shouldnt be coming home to all of the cooking, washing and cleaning, he needs to be pulling his weight here and doing his share or you outsource it. If he really is being hopeless then unfortunately you need to say so and set out your expectations. There's still far too many men out there that are not into being team players at home.

Firstly how do you know no one gave a shit about their sex life decades ago? You don’t know that.
secondly the chances are the op feels like she does because she is doing too much drudge work and her husband isn’t pulling his weight.

Do you want your sex life back because you feel like you should or are you being pressured to?

it’s very hard to flick a button to just revert back to how you were. Do you feel connected to your husband because if not then it isn’t likely to improve. Rebuilding connection is very important before getting back in the saddle so to speak

eh?

Because I'm in my 60s and remember what life was like decades ago. There wasn't this overwhelming pressure to have a "healthy sex life" (as defined, of course, by the media). There wasn't this emphasis on staying sexy for ever, no matter what. Porn mags were bought in a shop, there was no online world full of it. Lack of desire was not necessarily considered some kind of sickness or personal failing. I'm all for women having fun, but sex seems to be one more stick we get to beat ourselves with. You might be right that OP's husband is not pulling his weight, but even if he is, why should she feel obliged to have a wild sex life? Why not just relax and get on with motherhood without fretting that she is not currently feeling like a fucking sex goddess?

ALCEMEG

Your not much older than I am and in the 4+ decades I have been sexually active, I can assure you I very much did "give a shit" about my sex life and the demand has always come from me, it has fuck all to do with pressure from the media or a partner. I like sex and for me it's a vital part of any relationship, so you are talking crap when you say decades ago no one cared 🙄

I don't want to be in a relationship where my partner doesn't want to have sex with me. After my children were born I didn't want to "relax and get on with motherhood" without an active sex life because being a mother and having great sex aren't not mutually exclusive.

If the OP's partner is an idle asshole she's not going to want to have sex but she needs to tell him why and what he needs to do to try and improve their sex life or she needs to be honest and tell him she doesn't want to have sex with him so he can choose if he wants to stay or not.

Well, good for you. But why worry about improving your sex life if you really don't feel like it??? I mean WTF?! isn't this just another version of the 1950s "Make sure you wear lipstick and have his dinner ready when he gets home"?! Fine if the wife is horny as fuck, but what about when she isn't?

@Alcemeg and if your partner still has a libido? Would you accept they find it elsewhere or do you expect them to just suck it up? Forced celibacy. Route to a miserable union. I'm maybe a decade younger than you so not a young person by any means and I still have a happily active sex life with my husband.

@Alcemeg I am in my mid 50s and have always enjoyed sex. I have never felt the need to dress up and be a sex kitten though.
I think the OP is questioning WHY she doesn’t want to have sex when presumably she once did.
that is a valid and healthy question. I would be questioning why I no longer felt like having sex with my husband.
perhaps she is over worked, an unappreciated drudge, she is tired, he is a selfish man baby who doesn’t make her feel good. Perhaps he is crap in bed and a selfish lover.

@BigButtons Yes, I understand that, but I suppose I'm just wondering out loud why you'd be worried about losing your sex drive when you have so many obvious reasons for losing it, like tiredness and too much on plate.

I realize I'm starting to sound like Mary Whitehouse! I get it, that a sex life is worth having, etc. I just worry sometimes that the world is going mad when it comes to sex, thanks to marketing and the media. We place so much weight on it nowadays, and it's all wrapped up with our self-esteem in potentially damaging ways.

It's as though we're supposed to have our foot pressed hard on that accelerator pedal ALL THE TIME instead of accepting that there are times, or even whole seasons, when we will feel up for it but at other times other things will take precedence.